The majority of people in the World can have something negative said to them and let it slide right off their backs. I’m not one of those people and I can’t remember a time when I was. Sometimes I question my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder when I read more about Borderline Personality Disorder.

I appear to have symptoms of both but most Psychiatrists will say that you can’t have both.

The recent criteria for separating the two is to assess the emotional episodes from the person’s normal behavior. With Bipolar there are extreme emotional states uncharacteristic of the person during an asymptomatic time. Borderline Personality Disorder is an ever constant emotional state that’s present because it’s part of the person’s baseline personality.

If you understood all of that than we’re doing well. I’m still confused. I’m constantly in an emotional state of some kind. I never have an “ordinary” day. I haven’t for a very long time.


To meet the criteria for a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder a person must have at least one manic episode with high energy, self-confidence, impulsiveness, fast speech, and high risk behavior. When not manic impulse is not a problem. Emotional/mood swings can last a day or weeks. They are likely to occur without any trigger.

There are different types of Bipolar Disorder but most people spend much more time in a depressive episode rather than a manic one.

Depressive episodes leave the person feeling isolated, worthless, sad and empty.

When I was younger I had episodes of self-confidence, impulsiveness, fast speech and risky behavior. As I got older something changed and I began to only feel the isolation, emptiness, sadness and being worthless everyday.


In BPD sadness, irritability, anxiety, and emptiness are chronic states of being. Controlling behavior is an ongoing struggle. Overreacting on a regular basis, anxiety, anger and depression is your life.

Stress can cause intense emotional pain. Perception and memory become impaired and a sensitivity to separation or rejection.

  • Intense fear of abandonment (real or not)
  • Feeling empty like having a black hole inside you that can never be filled
  • Feeling non-existent
  • Episodes of numbness or zoning out
  • Spending Sprees
  • Promiscuous Sex
  • Substance Abuse
  • Suicide Attempts
  • Self Harm


  • I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I’m worthless
  • Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them so I always lose everyone I care about despite the desperate things I try to do to stop them from leaving me.
  • When I am alone I become nobody and nothing.

I went into more detail with BPD because I’ve covered Bipolar Disorder many times. I could check off pretty much everything listed.

EXCEPT some traits I think I definitely don’t have.

  • See people as either all good or all bad
  • There are no gray areas
  • Have no empathy for other people
  • A large percentage have Narcissistic Personality Disorder

My niece was diagnose with Borderline Personality Disorder and I have definitely seen these traits in her. People with BPD can also be aggressive and she is. She is exactly like her father, my brother. He would never go to a Psychiatrist or admit there’s anything wrong. Several people in family have been diagnosed as Bipolar and fit the criteria but me? I’m an enigma in all things. I always blamed my fear of abandonment on my Grandfather because he forgot me at the car wash when I was around 5. It took him about an hour to figure it out. The place was on a busy street and I just stood there hugging a telephone pole and crying.

I am constantly berated for only remembering the negative events in my life. I’m not sure why I can’t remember the happier times. I’m pretty sure that there were some. I remember a few specific times but they were about making someone else happy like my mom.

Does it matter what my diagnosis is? I’ve been this way for the majority of my life, it’s only since a name has been attached that the people around me expect to see a metamorphosis. It isn’t going to happen. I’ve quit drinking for 9 years (I think), I don’t leave the house, I spend too much money, I’m not sleeping with random men or any for that matter, I’m doing the best I can for right now.

I do know that my attachment to my twin sister is unhealthy. I look for her approval too much. I think it’s because she was the most vocal about her disapproval and disgust with the way I was living my life. She really had no room to judge and never offered support only put downs. I’m at the point where I’m getting ready to do something drastic with our relationship. I love her but I can’t keep hitting my head on that same brick wall.

WARNING: Do Not Leave Alone Or Feed After Midnight

13626476_10210547133301435_6524932080955258860_nHello! For those of you that have not read my blog before I am a 43 year old woman, diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at 36/37, diagnosed with Conversion Disorder, and an alcoholic in remission for over 7 years. I also have Chronic Kidney Disease which has left me with one functioning kidney and Celiac Disease. I have always lived at home with my parents and my mom passed away 8 and 1/2 years ago. I took care of her while she was ill. My father is on dialysis and I now take care of him.

When I stopped drinking for the first year I didn’t go many places. I was trying to deal with why I felt the way I did and going to various Doctors. Years later when I found myself in a stable place I realized how many people no longer wanted to BE in my life. They didn’t want to put in the effort they thought it would take to deal with a “crazy” person. Some of them still drank and didn’t want to put me in an awkward situation. Maybe my erratic behavior was just too much. It wasn’t just friends but family too. It didn’t bother me so much when it was cousins or relatives I hadn’t talked to in long time. What did hurt was when it was a relative I was very close to and loved like my mom. In fact, my mother’s sister. My own twin sister slowly started backing away from me. I have not seen my nephews in a long time when I used to see them at least twice a week.

The isolation can get to me. When you combine that with my medication it can be embarrassing. When I do leave the house I find myself talking too much and too fast to strangers in stores or employees. When I leave the store I sit in my car and cry. I feel humiliated because I was so excited to be talking to another human that I babbled their ear off.

I did this two times already today. A woman called to ask about my dad’s pigeons. I talked to her for 45 minutes. A politician came to the door and I talked to her about everything that’s wrong with our state for a half hour.

I remember when I worked in retail and we had customers that we knew were “talkers”. We all tried to avoid them even me. We would roll our eyes when we would see them coming because we knew it would be a big chunk out of our day. I didn’t mind some of them and actually looked forward to a few of them. Then there were a few with problems that no matter what you said or did wouldn’t understand that they were crossing a boundary. They would stand too close, follow you around the store, try to come behind the counter, or expect special favors. These were the only people that bothered me.

I’ll never forget the day I went to my local drug store. As I approached the counter I saw all three pharmacists roll their eyes. There was no one else around. I left immediately to cry in my car. I know I talk too much sometimes. It’s ironic really.

For most of my life I didn’t talk at all. I looked at the ground while walking, never made eye contact, and tried to hide behind my hair. I only talked when I drank. That was it. Sober I never really did. In school I always tried to sit in the back of the class and go unnoticed. I wore clothes that were too big for me and dark colors. I didn’t even use the bathrooms. Maybe that contributed to my kidney problems. The girl’s bathroom is the last place an awkward obese girl wants to be caught alone. So I never went.

Now I can’t shut up and there isn’t anyone to talk to. I can’t win. I thought I was making progress with my sister. I’ve been trying to be cheery on the phone with her. The second day of this she sounded weird. I found out it was because we were not discussing her. As long as we talk about her problems she’s happy. She also took off on another vacation and said she told me about it but she didn’t. She won’t have phone service so if anything happens to my dad I can’t reach her. This from someone who just gave me shit about taking some time for myself at the end of August. My Doctors suggested it. My kidney function has gotten worse and the stress I’m under is taking a huge toll on my health.

I’m going to book my vacation and let the cards fall where they may. You never know what’s around the corner so I’ve learned not to put things off.

If you feed me after midnight I’ll have a gallbladder attack and I wanted it to sound like Gremlins. lol

I Do Not Like Green Eggs

I can not tell you how much I loathe this new format. I dislike it more than seeing my father’s stubs for toes after his lawnmower accident. I detest it more than sitting through a Kate Hudson movie. My disdain for it knows no bounds.

Seriously. I just don’t like change. When I went to the help section and talked to someone online, she told me what to do in order to keep the old format. HaHa! Red flashing lights, a warning sign and a voice came on saying I was in violation, and porn! Thanks whoever that was! Like I don’t have enough problems being monitored. Actually, I doubt I’m that important but the FBI has been to my house for my dad. They had the wrong guy but still. And he did show up on the Irish terrorist watch list years ago when we went to Vegas. My luck they WILL show up again and take him away for illegal porn. I might let him stay there for a night just for ruining Thanksgiving.

Also, my feet and calves are swollen, I feel kind of sick, and I don’t want to tell anyone. I have a temp but it’s around 100, the hospital said not to worry unless it was above 100.4 so I have .4 points to go. I really hate the Hospital too. I’m very tired I know that. I still have to change the sheets on my bed and I don’t feel like it. Maybe I’ll sleep on the floor. The puppy threw up on me last night while I was sleeping. My favorite pajamas too. It was my fault. I gave him an all natural bone made of peanut butter and I don’t know what else, but it was too much for his belly. Not the best way to wake up.

Enough of my complaining. Here’s my THANKS!

Thank you blahpolar you inspire me and keep me here.

Thank you Wendy you’re the sister I need and I’ll always love you and no one else.

Thanks Dad for giving me life and saving my life more times than I care to count. And for giving me your wittiness. Yes, I know it rhymes with sh*ttiness. lol

Thanks Britt for letting me be me and look good doing it.

Thanks Dutch, even though you blew chunks on me, you’re just what I needed.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Honesty and Confusion

Ok, some of you reading this might already know most of what I’m going to say then again I can’t remember if I’ve written about some of it before. Off subject- I really need to brush up on my grammatical skills. Dangling participles, where to put commas, and run on sentences. Although I received an A in English Literature at a college level the other stuff I was never good at.

My day starts at around 10:15 or 10:30 a.m. I get up have a bowl of Rice Chex and take my meds. I will then watch TV for a little while or go on the computer. There is probably crying in between there somewhere. When my Chihuahua was alive he would meet me at the bottom of the stairs first thing every morning wagging his tail. If I was having a really bad day I curl into  a ball on my side, on the couch. Pookie would curl into my stomach and try to lick my tears but I would start laughing because his breath was so bad from eating poop. We did get him to stop eating his own but then he moved on to the Pomeranian’s. This is a learned behavior sometimes when they are born. It wasn’t a lack of nutrition or anything medical. The mother does it when they are first born and some pups pick up on it and it stays with them. Anyway he would do anything to make me happy.

Sometimes I leave the house for a few hours to go to the store or my sister’s house. It isn’t often. Most of the time I’m sitting at home in my pajamas. My father would cook for all 3 of the dogs and feed them. All 3 slept with him. My bedroom is too cluttered to have them sleep with me. I go upstairs to my room around 4 p.m. or 5 p.m. because around this time of day I start to get low and tired. I sit in my bathroom and smoke cigarettes, drink water, Ginger Ale mixed with Orange soda over crushed ice, and watch TV or Movies on my computer. Sometimes I Blog. I take my night meds and around 12:30 or 1:00 I go to bed. This is my life. I usually do not speak to any people all day.

On October 15th I go to another Specialist to find out why I went into Kidney Failure. They want me to have a 5th biopsy. This time it will be riskier and there is a good chance it will destroy my ureter. The ureter is one of 2 tubes that goes from your bladder to your kidneys. I would have to have a fake one made and put in if they damage the one they want to biopsy. I’m told this is the only way to find out what is wrong with me and that it wasn’t a fluke thing. What happened to me mostly only happens to elderly men with prostate cancer. So I am one big mystery. I have stents in now keeping my kidneys functioning. They hurt like hell.

My father finally agreed this morning to let me try to adopt 2 Chihuahua brothers I met at a Rescue. It was love at first sight. They had Pookie’s soul. But now I’m thinking is it fair? Will I change my habits? Will I be healthy enough to take care of them? Will I let it fall to my father who has enough to deal with? Or will this be what makes me finally take that step to change my ways? I did start to clean out my room when I first saw them and thought my dad wouldn’t have a problem with it. I gave up and went deeper into depression when he said no. The 2 of them together do not even equal my 1 Papillon. One is short haired and the other is long haired. Their names are Ham and Eggs. For the hour I was with them I thought everything could be ok. Sometimes I look into the eyes of an animal and I just know. They were both like that. I don’t know what to do.

About my other 2 dogs. I love them but they are not mine. Neither one has ever really paid attention to me. They are my dad’s. Even though Pookie slept in my dad’s room it was me he came to and me he bonded with. I want to do the right thing for the animals. I don’t want to be selfish. They have been at the rescue for a long time because the rescue won’t separate them. They are trained to go on a leash and to go outside they are also crate trained but I’m not fond of keeping dogs in crates. We’ve never done it. I know some dogs feel safe in their crate. Who knows? I’ll wait and see.

Some Updates and Important Info You Should Know!

Some of you may not know that the Dr. you see is hooked up to a community of doctors all in different specialties and fields. Say you go to your Allergy doctor and you disagree on your course of treatment. He in turn puts in your chart (electronically) that you are a difficult patient or a “problem” patient. Now you need to see a Gynecologist. A few are referred to you but you do not hear back from them. You wonder why. It may be because when they looked up your insurance or name your visit with the Allergy doctor popped up. They in turn do not want to deal with a “problem” patient. You have just been “blackballed”. Some of the Doctors in that network probably won’t see you. You rocked the boat, you questioned what they were doing. The doctors who are open minded and want you to ask questions will take you on. The others won’t.

You might be thinking that I’m a Conspiracy Theorist. I never have been until now. It started when I questioned a Urologist about why my future procedures HAD to be done at a specific hospital when he had privileges at other hospitals in the area. It was in my chart that I am diagnosed as Bipolar. When he read this his attitude changed dramatically.

I tried to explain why I didn’t feel comfortable at that hospital. He cut me off. He told me if I wanted to live and have him as my doctor that is where it would be done. His berating me went on for 10 minutes. In that time I felt like I had done something wrong. I felt I was being punished for something but I didn’t know what. At the end of the appointment I humiliated myself by crying and begging for his forgiveness. His attitude changed again to one of almost cockiness. Of course I would see things his way.

The day of my multiple biopsies I was scared and had no one with me. He announced to everyone who would be in the room that I was “A demanding one! Whoee! You’ve never seen someone SO demanding!”. The head of Anesthesia replied “She won’t be doing that in MY HOSPITAL!” And they took me away. So began my label as a “problem patient”.

What he never took the time to find out is that my mother died there. She died a horrific death in that hospital. My last stay there was filled with neglect and bullying. Nurses who made fun of my Bipolar Disorder and said it would be a “great way to lose weight and maybe they should pretend to have it”. This was said in front of me, like I didn’t exist. My sister heard it and was ready to punch someone out. They also with held my Bipolar medications. For no reason except their pharmacy didn’t carry it.

So the doctors under this network won’t take me as a patient. Luckily I have 1 well respected doctor who’s reputation is well known. He has told me from the beginning to advocate for myself. He also says if any Doctor tells you different, RUN! I have taken that advice seriously. I am a human being, I deserve respect, I am scared. What are you going to do about it?

Can’t Remember and Some New Earrings

I think my sister and I are fighting. I think I can’t remember. She hasn’t talked to me since September 28th. In your world that wouldn’t seem like a long time. In twin world and my Bipolar, Conversion Disorder, Separation Anxiety world, it is. It’s like a year. I really can’t remember if we had a fight or not and this part of life is getting worse. I sat in the driveway with the car running and my hand hovering over the gear shift trying to remember what to do. Then my hand would go to the windshield wipers. Things like this are happening frequently. I stumble like I am drunk sometimes. The word finding and remembering peoples names is embarrassing. My family and people I know will tell me ” Oh it’s probably your meds, don’t worry.” or ” You just went through a major health scare, relax”. These problems started slowly before my kidneys failed. My doctor had me checked for Parkinson’s and MS about 8 years ago. And I know Celiac Disease causes cognitive issues and sometimes short term memory problems. I mean who do you know that has Vitamin D resistant Rickets??!! But it’s scary sometimes. Now on to better things.

I was in a fun mood. STOP LAUGHING!! When I say fun I mean dark fun! So I made these earrings in the spirit of Halloween, but also to pay homage to movies where masks like these were worn. Of course I can’t remember a single one right now but could remember the word homage. That bothers me because movies are a big part of my life along with music and books. DSC01188DSC01183 (2)

You Know You’re Manic When……

I can tell when I’m manic. The problem with Bipolar Disorder for me is that I’m aware of everything surrounding me most of the time. I might not know what day it is but I’m tuned into people’s emotions around me. It’s a bad thing because I let them effect me. When I’m manic I feel like crawling out of my skin. I want to go somewhere but there’s nowhere to go. I’m kind of irritable and can’t make decisions. I’m like a cat around shiny things. I talk too much but there’s no one to hear me. I get really bad ideas.

One example of this would be asking my father if they keep the blueprints for public buildings available to the public. I also asked him if it would show if the place had alarms. He looked at me a little worried but he wasn’t really paying attention. My idea was to wait until dark, dress all in black, paint my face, and go to the animal rescue place. The one that wants $280 a piece for these 2 Chihuahua brothers I fell in love with. They also want to do a home inspection, have you bring your dogs to the shelter to meet the ones you want to adopt, prove you own your own home, and provide current vet records for any animals in your house. This is too difficult. So I thought I could just go there with some bolt cutters and get my dogs. They loved me when we met. Problem solved. It isn’t the money, or the vet records. It’s bringing my dogs to their shelter and getting my father to agree to show he owns the house. My father is secretive and weird like that. My dogs are both older, one with a heart murmur and the other with Epilepsy. I’m not putting them through that. They’re easy going and spend most of their time sleeping now that Pookie the Chihuahua is gone. They are both depressed. He was the clown and made them play and interact with each other. The change in both of them breaks my heart. These brothers are almost 3 years old and have the perfect personalities. And yes I need them too. They have been at the rescue for awhile now. Can’t they cut me some slack? I have references they can call. It’s killing me. I know my dad. He won’t agree until they are there and then he’ll love them. They’ll never replace Pookie but they will bring some much needed light into this house. And they will be loved. Rambling more than usual is another sign. Plus not wanting to go to sleep. I hold on to these days because I know the others are coming. When you spend most of your time in the darkness and pain sometimes you don’t even want to feel the manic side because it’s a tease of what life could almost be like.