Category Archives: Mental Health, Suicide and Responsibility

WORLD SUICIDE PREVENTION DAY (The Problem With Known Spokespeople)

We need to talk about suicide and suicide prevention but I believe it has to be done in a responsible way and with great care.

It’s good when a person who is well known can admit they have a mental health issue and try to help others.

What isn’t helpful is when they imply or give the illusion that they are “all better” because they ate the right foods, exercised, meditated, and have God helping them.

A large percentage of people with Bipolar Disorder or Schizophrenia have a tendency to develop Body Dysmorphic Disorder and focus strongly on Religion. I have seen this in my own family and it might be one of the many reasons it bothers me the way it does.

My Auntie Donna wouldn’t eat for days and would let expensive food rot in her refrigerator until there were maggots that were so bad they escaped the fridge and were on the ceiling. It was my Mom who had paid for the food and the both of us that had gone to check up on her. It wasn’t the best experience I’ve ever had, the smell would’ve knocked you over but my Aunt was used to it. She was skin and bones and obsessed with “getting fat”. She never hesitated to say something hurtful and meanĀ about my weight every time she saw me. This would alternate with Religion and her obsession with thinking her Doctors were trying to kill her to this day. My Mom only got a break from this when she passed away.

I’ve met more than my share of mentally ill religious people who remind me of the Alcoholic who replaces one addiction with another.

When a person has 100,000 followers or moreĀ and isn’t truthful about recently having a Manic/Depressive Episode that was pretty bad but instead publicly states “positivity, positive people, the right diet, exercise and Faith/God” is what saves him it’s irresponsible.

How many people who are looking for any way to feel better will go off medications, won’t go to a professional for help, and follow this thinking instead? What happens if they are severely ill with hallucinations or hear voices but think if they eat right, exercise and go to Church everything will be fine? I can tell you nothing good will happen.

You can’t have an event with celebrities who are not willing to be honest or give correct information because we will lose more people.

Isn’t it bad enough that on average we will die 20 years younger than everyone else because Primary Care Doctors are biased against us and don’t take our physical symptoms seriously? We are not having our medications monitored on a regular enough basis so severe side effects are not being caught in time. The staff in physical health services judge us as soon as our mental illness is disclosed right on down to the secretary. This is all fact. More needs to be done about Integrated Care but if we keep fooling ourselves, listening to false information, refusing to advocate for ourselves or research or own diagnosis than nothing will change.

On another note I want to talk about Chris Cornell. His writing was brilliant and so was his voice. He had beautiful eyes with a smile to match. But you can’t tell me I was the only one to notice the times his eyes were manic, his smile fake, his lyrics telling a story of depression and anxiety just like his body language did. He would often tap his foot or bounce his leg, he paced back and forth, when he would sit he would rock back and forth sometimes holding his head in his hand. Then there were times where he was still, quietly staring at nothing with a blank expression on his face. I recognize all of this I’ve seen it often because they are all things I’ve been told that I do and have done since a young age.

He was pulled out of rehab to make the video for “Cochise” and if you watch it you can see it wasn’t a good time. The scream he does in that song is visceral and cuts right through me. I don’t know about conspiracy theories but I do know he was someone who struggled immensely and suffered greatly all you have to do is understand the lyrics to see that and feel that. The people around him failed him in many ways, I do believe that 1 or 2 were trying to intervene towards the end but maybe it was too late or they didn’t realize how serious the situation had become. He wasn’t a coward, he was a human being with a lot of pain that most people will never understand unless you have been there. I still think about him everyday and listen to a song, I’m trying to do it less and less because it isn’t healthy for me. It’s difficult when there was someone who understood so much about you without even knowing you. When your own family is tired of trying to understand and have lost their sympathy/empathy and you no longer have friends to confide in.

Yes, I’m still here. I love my Dad he has been there for me in the past when no one else was. I wouldn’t have over 9 years of sobriety without him. I won’t put him through the kind of grief a suicide brings. He already blames himself for my illnesses and believes if he had gotten me the help I needed when he and my mom first suspected something wasn’t right I would be okay. The truth is back then they didn’t know much and it probably wouldn’t have made a difference. He was afraid they would institutionalize me and I was only 8/9 years old. My Mom had already seen what that does to a person with her brother and sister and refused to take me to a doctor. I don’t blame either one of them. Both of them loved me and that’s enough.

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I TOLD THE TRUTH TODAY. I DIED. (World Suicide Prevention Day)

I have had symptoms of Bipolar Disorder since the age of 10 but wasn’t diagnosed until I was close to 35 years old. That is a lot of suffering. If you are Bipolar or have Major Depression you understand what I mean. The constant empty ache in your chest like something horrible has happened but you don’t know what. Feelings of being worthless, like you never should’ve been born or guilt. Being bullied throughout school did nothing to help. Alcohol did.

The first time I hurt myself I don’t remember much of it. I know it was my 17th Birthday and I was at my own party at J’s house. Someone must have said or done something because that’s usually how it happened then. My extreme low self-esteem got me every single time.

I do remember my best friend W. screaming at J. and people wrapping my wrists as we went to the Hospital and I got stitches.

Another time I cut so deep on the left side but refused to go to the Hospital that I caused nerve damage going to me left pinkie and ring finger. They both still go numb and the scar isn’t pretty because I never went for stitches. I have a total of 4 scars.

I have also had the pleasure of having my stomach pumped and having charcoal forced down my throat on several different occasions.

Because of all this I was constantly court ordered to see Psychiatrists and Therapists who didn’t help.

I also jumped off the roof of a building but luckily I was so drunk that I didn’t realize how close to the ground it actually was. I chipped a bone in my ankle and had some scrapes and bruises.

I stopped doing this in my thirties for some reason. The feeling was still there but I didn’t act on it.

When I went into Kidney Failure and didn’t realize what was going on or that it was as serious as it was the Doctor had asked if I wanted a DNR and he also said I needed to get my family there immediately. That’s when it hit me that things were bad. By this time I had been diagnosed Bipolar with Conversion Disorder. I couldn’t reach my Dad because he was at Dialysis! My sister wasn’t answering her phone as usual. I was angry so I signed the DNR. I thought that my family didn’t care about me so it didn’t matter anyway.

I found out recently that the Doctor knew I wasn’t stable enough to make that decision so when they lost all my vital signs he ignored the DNR, I flatlined. Lifesaving measures were taken. It wasn’t too bad they only lost me for less than a minute and I’m glad he ignored the DNR because I have something I didn’t have when I was younger.

I have a sliver of hope that I might be happy one day. I’m finally kind of okay with the outside of myself after 44 years now I have to try to forgive the inside. I have to stop punishing myself for everything I’ve said and done in my life that may or may not have caused people to not like me. If that means I’m alone than I have to learn to be comfortable with that. Alone isn’t that bad. I can go where I want and be with the animals I love so much. I could even live with a pack of wolves. (Okay that might be a bit much but I would if I could)

What I’m trying to say is that when it came down to it, when death was right there, I was scared as Hell and so happy to wake up and see my sister’s face.


SUICIDE, FREEDOM OF SPEECH, AND HOW MUCH CAN WE HOLD ANOTHER PERSON RESPONSIBLE?

There’s a story in the local news right now that has been bothering me for a long time. It has to do with a young girl that had a mostly online/texting “romantic” relationship with a young boy. She knew he had tried to kill himself previously and that he was feeling suicidal again.

Instead of suggesting that he talk to his parents or a professional, she encouraged him to kill himself and even gave him suggestions. When he was in his truck inhaling carbon monoxide, she was on the phone with him. At one point he changed his mind and got out of the truck. She talked him into getting back in. They found his body the next morning.

Her defense attorney first tried say her texts were not admissible in court because they were protected by Freedom of Speech. I almost threw up when I heard that. When I read the transcripts of all of their interaction I was sickened at how manipulative she was. She reminded me of someone I knew.

MY STORY

I attended Middle School and High School with a girl who somehow was able to get people to do anything she wanted. She never got in trouble because her mother worked for the State as a Psychiatrist in the Juvenile Court System. Her mother knew many people. Her mother also turned a blind eye to what her daughter did.

The first time I had a problem with her was because of my sister. For some reason she saw my sister as a threat to her popularity. This was in Middle School. She told the biggest, baddest, scariest girl at the High School that my sister was talking about her. My sister didn’t even know who she was. I’ve said it before, talk all you want about me but don’t you dare do anything to hurt my family. So we were receiving phone calls from this older girl threatening to beat my sister up. I stepped in and told the girl to name the place and the time, but she wouldn’t be dealing with my sister she would be dealing with me.

I was known to be quiet but I was a lot bigger than the other girls and some people had seen me react to anyone who threatened my sister or best friend. The older girl asked around and the matter was dropped. It wasn’t for me because I knew who started it.

In High School my sister became friends with the trouble maker. She disguised herself well. Until she had falling out with a girl on the cheer leading team. After a party one night the cheerleader went back to her car to find a pig’s head left sitting on the roof. Another night my sister and some of her friends said something the little sociopath didn’t like so she took a rope, tampons, and maxi pads and connected all of the door handles together so they couldn’t get into the car. Then she hung tampons all over the car and stuck maxi pads everywhere.

She didn’t like her roommate in college so she dunked her toothbrush in urine, put urine in her mouth wash, shampoo, and put urine in a spray bottle and sprayed her sheets with it.

None of this compares to what she did to my ex sister in law’s brother. He dated her for a few years. I told him to get out of the relationship. She did things on purpose to make him jealous then tell him he wasn’t really a man. He had some depression problems and drank. Towards the end of their relationship he called her and said he was going to kill himself. Her response was “I don’t believe you. You’re a pussy. Why don’t you come down here and do it in front me? Or are you too chicken?”

He took a razor and a shotgun and went to her dorm room. She let him in. She said “I still don’t think you have the guts to do it.” He slit his wrists in front of her. During this time someone called campus security. She stood there laughing. When he heard that security was coming he took the shotgun and ran into the woods. They found him with the barrel in his mouth put he was almost passed out from blood loss.

Personally I wanted to beat the living crap out of her. But people like her don’t change. He stayed away from her but the damage was done. We’re in our forties and he has never had a successful relationship. I find that sad. He’s kind, extremely handsome, generous, loyal to his family, and loved my mom like his own.

Sometimes I think someone needs to be held accountable for their actions in situations like these. If you are aware that a person is unstable and encourage them to hurt themselves and they do some of that is on you. If you manipulate a person with your so called “love” then there should be consequences.

All of this really hits a sore spot with me. It angers me and makes me incredibly sad at the same time.

 


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