The Last Drunken Halloween

I wanted to start by saying that I have not celebrated a Halloween in years. When I woke up this morning and went on Facebook  (my first mistake) to see if my Hair Stylist answered my question about her flat iron I burst into tears.

I saw my best friend dressed up hanging out with another couple having fun. It was at a local place. I could’ve handled being there and not drinking. After 6 and half years and after just going through kidney failure. The want is gone, the need is gone. The only things left are hurt and anger at being left out.

The last Halloween we were all together I admit wasn’t exactly pleasant. It was my best friend with her boyfriend, her boyfriend’s best friend and his girlfriend, then me. So I was odd man out. I was also 250 pounds with bleach blond curly long hair and blue eyes. My best friend- 5’8″ thin with a nice figure, long strawberry blond straight hair with some blond in it. The other girl- 5’6″ thin with a nice figure, shoulder length dark straight hair and a tan. Why am I describing everyone? You’ll see.

Everyone was laughing and joking at first. My friend was dressed as a “sexy pirate” and the other girl was a “sexy cop”. I really didn’t do costumes. There were never any at the store and felt like it was putting lipstick on a pig.

The other guy says “let’s get the 2 SEXY GIRLS TOGETHER for a picture”. That meant NOT ME. Ok I’m sensitive. But there were only 4 of us in the room. Him and us 3 girls. So it was obvious. I know that he wasn’t thinking and didn’t say it to be rude. He just thought of me as one of the guys as usual. To feel better I drank more that night. I had to drink way more than usual, I just couldn’t get it out of my head. This caused me to be sarcastic and a bitch. I think I was thrown out. Instead of saying “Hey you know I’m sitting right here. You’re being a d*ck.” I just drank it all down.

The problem was I would’ve done anything to be able to wear a “sexy” costume over those years. You know how many concerts I went to in jeans and a “nice” top because I couldn’t wear what the other girls were wearing? In the long run this worked for me. But that’s beside the point.

When I used to pray I would tell God he could have 10 years of my life if I could just be pretty and normal.

I’m 130 pounds, 5’6″ with long red hair and a very pretty shade of blue eyes, like the ocean. I am now called “pretty”. The man at that Halloween Party didn’t know who I was recently and called me “hot”. I ignore all of it. It wasn’t done through exercise or eating right. It happened because of Sobriety, Celiac Disease, Bipolar Medications and whatever other illnesses I have. It’s no victory. Except the Sobriety part.

So even though some might say I’m pretty, I’m still 42 and definitely not “normal”. Sometimes I’m ok with this and sometimes I’m not. It’s only when I see my “bestfriend” out having fun when she tells me she never does anything that I’m hurt. I need to start using something other than best friend. Maybe an old acquaintance.

How To Tell If Someone Really Cares

I left the house today. It had been awhile and my sister invited me over. She really invited me so I could color her hair and she said she would help me with mine. None of that happened. Her husband was home and sleeping in his man cave in the finished basement. I was there for about 5 minutes when he yelled something up the stairs. It startled me. I thought he was mad. I had boots on and they have hardwood floors, I thought I was being too loud. I got a little teary eyed. My sister got annoyed and said she knew I was “off” the minute I got there. I tried to explain but she went into a tirade about my needing to see a therapist and needing to try harder to control myself. She used herself as an example.

When she was done I didn’t feel like doing her hair or anything else. I was tired of trying to explain myself over and over. Trying to explain how my brain works, how it’s different than her’s.

Last year she was having these seizures where she would just get a blank stare. She went to several doctors who all diagnosed her with a form of Conversion Disorder that was due to stress. Once she started therapy and found out that there was nothing wrong with her the seizures stopped.

My type of Conversion Disorder is different and continues. I also have some problems with my brain. There is swelling on one side and what they call a T2 Hyperintensity. I also have a loss of white matter unusual for someone my age. The swelling was supposed to be monitored. It never was. This was in 2008. Also a diagnosis of Bipolar with Conversion Disorder makes it harder to treat. My sister doesn’t listen to this.

While I was there my friend texted me and wanted me to call my kidney doctor and tell him I’m in pain to get pain pills so she could buy them off of me. She said her knee hurt. She does have problems with her knee but she’s asked me for Adderall and other meds before. First she will ask how I am and act concerned. An hour later she’ll ask for money or meds. She is the only one who ever returns my phone calls or checks to see how I’m doing. I just don’t like this other stuff and I don’t do it. At first I gave her a few Adderrall or whatever but when it became a habit I stopped. She’s always paid me back any money she’s borrowed. Still I don’t like it.

I made an appointment with my hair dresser. I’m not depending on anyone and I can’t do it myself anymore. My arms burn when I hold them up for any length of time. Plus I get to be around people and just listen and watch.

I’m going to get used to being by myself and doing things alone. I’m tired of saying sorry all the time or explaining myself when I shouldn’t have to. I don’t need to be judged or reprimanded. I do these things to myself everyday.