I have had people ask me recently how I didn’t realize I was sick. I was starting to get frustrated with the questions. The problem is I NEVER feel well. I haven’t for years. It becomes hard to differentiate what’s normal and what isn’t. I was sick of being poked and prodded all the time. I’ve had back pain since I was about 16. I got used to it. When a doctor asks about it it’s hard for me to explain because I’ve lived with it for so long.
So many of my symptoms crossover into each illness. Side effects from meds can be the same as Celiac. Celiac is linked to depression and stuttering. Conversion Disorder for me causes stuttering and tremors. Kidney problems have been associated with Celiac and some medications. My cognitive function has been linked to Bipolar, Celiac, and medications.
Being blamed for not knowing how ill I am makes me feel more alone and depressed. When I think back maybe there were signs I should’ve noticed. I didn’t. I had been glutened by accident. When this happens it can cause constipation or the opposite, fatigue, headaches, pain in my abdomen or gallbladder, an entire 2 page list of symptoms. It also takes months to recover. So that’s why I didn’t really notice anything until my feet swelled 4 times their size.
Now I have to have a biopsy of my urethral wall. It’s risky. The doctor doing it is the best and even he is concerned about the risk. They have one chance to get a piece of the area they need. The area is a small place to work in so if he doesn’t get it right I have to have a different kind of biopsy. The other problem is if he causes a “stricture” because then they have to rebuild the ureter and replace it causing more kidney damage.
None of this sounds good to me. But 4 doctors agree I need the biopsy because they are stumped. They don’t want me to go into kidney failure again.
I’m scared. It’s a lot of anesthesia. A lot of stress. Medicare is giving me a hard time so I’m worried about money. My Bipolar meds are not working to their full potential, leaving me a mess.
I know I am venting but there is no one to talk to. I have to get it out of my head or it will spin out of control.
My father had always had the mentality that you never discussed certain subjects around a group of people. When it came to Religion it was up to us to decide what we wanted to believe in. The same with politics. He never pushed us in any one direction. I love him more for that. He might not agree with our choices but he let us make them. I learned a long time ago to keep my mouth shut about most things. There are too many right fighters out there. I refuse to take the bait. They don’t want to have an intelligent conversation where both sides listen, they just want to argue until they are blue in the face and you give in. My mind can’t handle it. Or maybe I’m the right fighter and just don’t want to admit it. Who knows?
I have been sober for 6 years now. I did it without help. My brother-in-law has been sober maybe almost a year with the help of AA. He loves AA. A lot of people do. It just wasn’t for me. I get questioned about it frequently. Why I even feel the need to answer I don’t know. I am tired of lying to people about why it wasn’t for me. So I’ll tell you. I didn’t like the fact that they would say they were not a Religious organization then force you to say the Lord’s prayer at the end of the meeting. This may have been in my geographical location only I don’t know. If you didn’t say it you were given dirty looks and told that you would “fail” in your sobriety. This I did not like. I was told to get on my knees every night and ask for help. If I didn’t I was doomed to fail. I was doomed to fail because I wasn’t ready to get sober yet. Plain and simple. I also have a lot of issues with Religion. I believe in the Earth, the Sky, the Ocean, Wildlife, things of that nature anything else I’m not sure of. As for Politics we’ll leave that for another day.
On my way to my sister’s house today a very expensive sports car flew by me. It was orange and had religious sayings painted all over it. My first thought was “jackass”. My second was if I did that with my beliefs on my car I’d be pulled over every 10 minutes. So what gives some people the right to do this and not others? How come some people can tell me I should be sterilized but if I respond I’m the one to get flagged or called names? So I continue to stay silent like I always have except here. Because the real world doesn’t listen to someone like me and it never did. I am invisible in the real world.
A Family member said to me recently ” you must get asked out a lot now that you’re thin, I mean you were always pretty but fat”. What do you say to that? I wanted to shock her and say ” actually I got more men when I was a fat drunk” but I didn’t. It’s true but I kept it to myself. I have not interacted with the opposite sex in about 6 and half years. I have to figure myself out first. There’s still so much to do but I can’t force it. I do have to find my voice, stutter or not. Swallowing all this negativity will eventually kill me.
So the next time someone tries to lecture me on AA or asks an inappropriate question I am going to answer them. If they don’t like my answer they shouldn’t have asked.
I use music to help me deal with Depression, Anxiety, Alcoholism, and everyday life. It has been a huge part of my life since I was born. These Ceremonies don’t mean much to some people and that’s fine. I find it disrespectful to the people already inducted. It’s like saying “it doesn’t matter you got inducted because it’s all a joke”. THAT is what I find disrespectful. Should they change the way people are picked to be inducted? Absolutely.
Without Joan Jett we wouldn’t have the female rockers that we’ve had through the years. And even that hasn’t been many. I don’t know that many women that can pull off rock like she can. She can do it all without giving up her sexuality or selling it. Her voice is still incredible.
The problem was having Miley Cyrus on stage with her trying to outsing everyone on the stage. Sticking her tongue out and at one point having a breast fall out with a pastie on it. Miley then proceeds to tell a story about Joan Jett and it is at this point I change the channel. She’s lucky I was no where near the venue or her vicinity it was that bad.
Step 1- Take the gum out of your mouth when publicly speaking.
Step 2- When honoring someone at an event speak about their accomplishments.
Step 3- Keep your tongue in your mouth it’s in there for a reason and none of us want to see it.
Step 4- You can tell a joke or two but unless you’re Lemmy from Motorhead keep it normal and clean.
Step 5- Keep Dave Grohl with you at all times.
These are my suggestions for a successful speech! Good luck next time.