Selfish

I think I’m being selfish or self-absorbed lately. All I can focus on is the lack of response I’ve gotten concerning my health. Yes my sister was there for me while I was in the hospital, my best friend visited me in the hospital and so did my sister-in-law. Since then there really hasn’t been much contact from anyone. My brother never called, my Aunt who I am close to never called, no other family has called. Forget Facebook friends, there was no response there either. My hair dresser never contacted me and we are supposedly close. We’ve gone to dinner, exchanged gifts, I was invited to her baby shower and nothing.

I know I feel things at a deeper level. When my feelings are hurt they are hurt twice as bad as someone without Bipolar. I will overthink everything until I’m literally sick. So in my head it’s “no one cares”, “I annoy everyone so they don’t want to hear it”, “I don’t deserve anyone’s sympathy or understanding”, “who cares if I die I deserve to”. This goes round and round. My meds are probably not being metabolized correctly because of my kidneys. This makes things worse. I’m actually scared for once.

The seriousness of my situation is being downplayed. My family doesn’t realize how bad it is. My dad does but it frightens him so he won’t talk about it. My sister refuses to accept that there is anything seriously wrong. I would think my going into Acute Renal Failure for no reason and being asked about a DNR about ten times would indicate otherwise. Also the fact I’m being sent to an Oncologist and having a biopsy done because there are only a few reasons why what happened to me did. None of them are good. I’m stressed beyond my capacity. I just want answers so I can plan what to do. I can’t make people care or respond in ways they are not capable of doing. I won’t beg.

Advertisements