Category Archives: Addiction and Mental Health

WIDE AWAKE ROTTING

I don’t know why I blacked out. If it was the stress of dealing with my dad, the heat, me not feeling well, all I know is that I woke up on the floor.

When I woke up on the floor of my bedroom it was like I was somewhere else. I didn’t recognize this disgusting place filled with bags and bags of empty water bottles, paper towels, cigarette butts and ashes that had taken over the room. But it was my room. I had let it GET THAT BAD. I kept ignoring it or I didn’t want to see it. The shame of finally seeing what I let happen was too much. I had to leave it a little longer and remember what had triggered me in the first place.

I know I’ve been allowing people, places, and things said, get to me when I shouldn’t. I exist with every nerve ending exposed, my heart on my sleeve, and no protection. I always have, I also replay conversations and events in my mind that I feel were hurtful or that I deserved. (the key words are “I” and “I” am not a good judge because I am so sensitive) It’s probably one of the worst parts about it all, the constant film running in the background of my mind. It’s been the hardest thing for me to control or find coping skills that actually work.

Music, coloring, and research, work depending on the day. With an autoimmune disease, kidney disease, and medical disorders having to do with my blood that can’t be explained, my medications work at different levels in different ways.

One of my doctors believes part of my Conversion Disorder comes from watching my Mom die. Not just the horrible way she died in the hospital but the way she slowly killed herself at home.

She knew everything she had to avoid to stay alive, she knew everything she had to do to stay alive. I knew when she gave up. When she started staying in her room all the time, stockpiling food she wasn’t allowed to eat and not talking to anyone.

At the time I was working 60 hours a week and trying to maintain my alcoholism.

My mom was never thin but started to gain weight rapidly. This made it harder for her to breathe and put stress on her heart. Her bones were brittle and weak from chemo and radiation she had 7 years before. We were so lucky she even survived, most people don’t. I don’t know what it was that made her give up after fighting so hard previously.

When she fractured her back it was the beginning of the end. She would lose control of her bladder and bowels. She cried, moaned and screamed in pain all night long. Nothing we or the doctors did gave her any relief. They decided to do surgery even though she wasn’t healthy enough for it.

She made it through the surgery but the weight gain and immobility made it so hard for her to breathe she felt like she was suffocating. It was her biggest fear.

I now see some of the same behavior in my Dad and it scares me. It’s the opposite with him, he’s lost a lot of weight and does too much. He has old fractures in his back that he chose to ignore over the years. This time his sciatic nerve is being compressed so he can’t ignore it. He’s fallen down numerous times and doesn’t tell me unless I see blood and bruises. Yesterday he was stuck on the pavement of our driveway for over an hour bleeding from a large wound on his arm. He fell out of his truck coming back from dialysis.

He refuses to go to the hospital.

I called my twin sister to let her know what was going on and I might be taking him to the ER. She never called or texted back. Once again I’m left to deal with watching a parent die. Only this time I don’t think I’ll handle it at all.

My Dad and I are close. I told my Mom everything but my Dad and I have a lot in common. When I quit drinking for the last time he watched movies I know he had no interest in, same with TV shows, just to keep me company. He’s never given up on me. It’s only been these last 2 years that we’ve really argued and that’s due to both of our illnesses.

I want to live my own life.

I’m just not sure if I deserve to.

I destroy everything around me or they leave.

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LITTLE DEATHS AND SUICIDE SHAMING

The remarks made by an actor on Twitter recently about a friend’s suicide made me more than angry.

He thought his friend was “selfish” for taking his own life. After all that is what his spirit guide told him. I think he’s mistaken about what a spirit guide actually is. A guide doesn’t tell you what to think or do, they guide you along your journey.

If he was such good friends with this person why didn’t he see the signs of his friends struggle? I didn’t know the man but I noticed he was different. Maybe because I’ve been there.

Like in poker, we all have tells. Staring off while the people around us laugh and talk. Not really paying attention or adding to the conversation. Nervous habits like bouncing your leg up and down, tapping your fingers, constantly looking around a room. The smile that never reaches your eyes. Sleeping more or less than usual. Drinking more or using drugs more.

The man was an addict. I’m not sure why he thought it was okay to drink as long he wasn’t doing heroin. It doesn’t really work that way. You’re still self-medicating.

As far as reaching out to a friend or loved one goes when you have a serious mental illness that you are self-medicating with drugs or alcohol it’s almost impossible to do.

Each time I attempted suicide I was drunk. All I could think of was the pain, the guilt, the hopelessness. Every bad thing said to me played on a loop in my brain. “You’re a waste of space, no one likes you, no one will ever love a fat c*nt like you, you should just kill yourself, we can’t believe you anymore because you’re a drunk, etc”. There was no room in my head for the idea to reach out to someone. I didn’t even know I was Bipolar and had been for quite some time. I automatically thought I was worthless. I had thought this since I was 8 or 9.

The human mind can only take so much abuse. I could take a lot of physical abuse and I did. But it was the constant psychological damage and trauma that I couldn’t handle. I doubt most people could. My own family could only handle knowing a small fraction of what I went through and what I thought. They refused to hear anymore from my doctors. I still have to find a way to live with it all.

After 5 suicide attempts before the age of 27 something inside me stopped trying and just drank more. I finally stopped drinking 10 years ago and was correctly diagnosed as Bipolar with Social Phobia, Anxiety, PTSD and Conversion Disorder. Knowing about the mental illness helped me stay sober. Getting to the cause of my drinking went a long way.

I would like to say that I don’t think about suicide but I still do. It’s in a different way now. It’s more like I just want to run away or disappear. It’s harder without family or friends. It’s even worse when you have a chronic physical illness that is life threatening.

My twin sister has stopped speaking to me. It hurts. But she can be extremely toxic. Everything is black and white in her world. She didn’t call our dad to wish him a Happy Birthday on the 5th because she said “He never called me on my Birthday in January”.

First he’s 75 and your FATHER. Second, you never answer your phone and I know he tried to call and it went directly to voicemail which she never checks either.

Long story short I lost my temper for the first time in a long time. I even dropped the F bomb in front of my Dad. That’s how mad I was.

I’ve been left to take care of him and his other 2 children could care less. My Dad is stubborn and cranky. He’s now taking vicodin like candy because he herniated several discs in his back and refuses to stop lifting heavy objects.

I need a little vacation.0d806ffdc1b7a4766b4b545aeb74354b


FINDING MYSELF

I’m not a religious person. I believe in what I can see and feel. This makes it hard for me to find any real spirituality that fits in with what I believe.

I’ve researched Buddhism, which is okay but I would have to fake a lot of the positive thinking they have going on. I’m not sure my body can do Yoga right now either. Most of their concepts are hard for me to wrap my brain around.

I’ve researched Hinduism which is similar to Buddhism but not.

Paganism which can get a little dicey. My Celtic/Norse heritage which can also be a tough one. Shamanism sounded good so did Wicca but I have too many questions and I’ve never been someone who could “just believe” in anything.

I tend to lean toward the darker side of things. I know it’s unhealthy.

I do believe in animals and love to watch them and their behaviors. My favorite has always been the Wolf.

I also think there is something to the metaphysical properties in gemstones. I can’t dispute the research that’s been done the last 50 years or what’s been found that’s the same across many cultures and beliefs. Amber is has the same meaning and properties to Native Americans as it does to Buddhists. I enjoy working with real gemstones. I’m not talking diamonds. I’m talking amethyst, black onyx, agates, the less expensive ones.

I’m still lost and have no idea what I’m doing. I need purpose. I’m also tired of modern medicine telling me they can’t help me anymore.

My GFR is at 40 and my recent surgery didn’t go well when they changed they my ureteral stents. One became embedded which caused more scar tissue which I can’t afford to have. This means having my stents changed more frequently under anesthesia and having a breathing tube. Of course they couldn’t wake me for 2 hours after the surgery because my twin drove me to the hospital and decided to tell me exactly what she thought of me before I went under the anesthesia. When you have Conversion Disorder that can’t happen. The anesthesiologist was not happy with my sister. He had seen her talking to me before the surgery and he had seen me crying.

It’s been a difficult couple of months. I’m more tired than usual, my neck and hips are killing me and my social anxiety has been at an all time high. I’m used to physical pain so my neck and hips have to be bad for me to complain. I kept working while I had 2 herniated discs in my back with 2 bulging discs above and below each one. The only thing that finally stopped me was when I got stuck on the pavement getting out of my car. They thought I wasn’t showing up until I finally reached my cell phone and told them I was outside on the ground. lol

My Dad is having sciatic nerve pain right now and is the biggest baby I’ve ever seen. He won’t listen to a thing I say even though I’ve been through it all. I had 3 Epidurals, water therapy, a 2 hour IV drip of some cocktail to release the muscle spasms because I was shaped like the letter L and they refused to do surgery because it would cause a domino effect. But he listens to one of his friends who says he was kidnapped by aliens! It’s frustrating.

Other than all of this everything is okay.group-wolves-called_9ee7f18bde1c5374


WHAT MAKES YOU AN EXPERT ON MENTAL HEALTH AND ADDICTION? *Sensitive Subject Matter

I am my father’s daughter. Like my father, when I find a subject I relate to or a hobby I enjoy, I learn everything I can about it. I don’t mean this in a normal way. My father never made it past the 8th grade but taught himself everything one needed to know about most animals specifically birds.

He taught himself how to breed Exotic Birds on The Endangered Species List and obtained a Federal Permit to do so. He was 1 of 11 people in the United States to successfully breed one species. He knew about diseases, diet, flight patterns, temperatures, everything.

I was born into a family filled with addicts and people with mental illness. I spent a lot time around all of them. Both my parents come from big families but mom’s side was a very close bunch and also very dysfunctional. My mom was the oldest and did her best to help her brothers and sisters no matter what. My sister and I always went with her even if that meant visits to the State Mental Hospital or a Group Home.

My sister and I always talked about one of us becoming “crazy” like it would be the worst thing in the world. It kind of was. I already knew it was me, my parents already knew it was me. The only one who didn’t see it was my twin sister. It would take her 20 years to admit I was sick.

I know all the ins and outs of being hospitalized against your will. I know what happens when you swallow a bottle of prescription sleeping pills after drinking a case of beer and a pint of Fire Water. If someone gets you to the Hospital early enough you get charcoal, which I did the first time. If you get there a little later they pump your stomach, which they did the 2nd time. If you fight them they also restrain you.

I know if you cut your wrists a certain way you can do permanent nerve damage. Which I did on one occasion so my pinkie is numb most of the time.

I know after so many visits to the ER for attempted suicides they can keep you and they did. No one came to talk to me or give me any tests, I sat and watched TV with all the other people who were either detoxing or had mental health issues.

I know after about 4 or 5 visits to the ER for attempted suicide a judge can court order you to undergo therapy and see a psychiatrist. I was court ordered several times but no one ever diagnosed me or asked many questions they just handed me a bucket of pills. This is common for State run facilities.

Every single time I tried to take my life I was drunk. I never tried sober. I thought about it sober but never acted on it.

People say “Why didn’t you ask for help?” I say “Because I was drunk, confused, couldn’t get out of my own head, all I could think was what a waste of space I am, how no one loved me, how could anyone love me?” When did I have time to stop and think “Gee I should probably call my sister who is sick of hearing me cry all the time”.

It doesn’t work that way. When you’re in the middle of a tornado you can’t think rationally and that’s the point.

I don’t know why people expect this.

We need to reach people before they get to the tornado.

It’s the only way this will work. If you know someone with a mental illness call them, invite them for coffee, tell them you love them, give them purpose, stop them before the snowball starts going downhill picking up those negative thoughts growing larger and larger.

I want to know I matter. I want to know I’m still loved even though I’ve f*cked up so many times. I want someone to hug me and tell me it’s ok even if it isn’t.

This is why I am more qualified to speak about mental health and addiction than any Doctor or Talk Show Host because I live it and I’m still here.quotes-about-strength-robin-williams-depression-quote-all-it-takes-is-a-beautiful-fake-smile-to-hide


I SEE YOU

I watched you on YouTube the other day. I was shocked but not surprised. I was more angry than anything. Seeing the blue lips, bloated face, under eye bags, and the bloated stomach made me want to cry or punch you in the face.

You’ve continuously lied about your sobriety throughout the years. I knew you probably lasted a month or two, something wouldn’t go your way and you would be back to where you started.

I also know that you believe drinking wine instead of Jack Daniels means you’re doing better or you’re not “that bad”. I also know that your drinking has cost you career opportunities, lost friendships, and drastically changed your appearance. In your business appearance is part of the job.

You use juvenile behavior and humor to cover up the pain you don’t want to deal with. I noticed this in the 90s when you first started to get into trouble.

No one wakes up and says “I love wine so much, it tastes so good that I think I’ll drink it all day until my lips and teeth are permanently stained blue, I lose my looks, my career, friends and family”.

We drink because there’s a pain or something missing that we don’t know how to explain or deal with. Whether it’s grief, abuse, mental illness, etc. it’s there and instead of recognizing it we self medicate. Sometimes we aren’t capable of recognizing it. We something isn’t right, we different than other people, but we don’t know why and are afraid to find out. It’s easier to self medicate than deal with the real issues.

In the back of my mind I knew from young age I was different. Who wants to admit that they aren’t “normal”? No one. You do whatever you can to fit in no matter the damage it causes.

You will never get better if you don’t ask WHY you started drinking or using drugs in the first place. What were you feeling that first time? I know what I was feeling at that exact moment. I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t pretty, I couldn’t talk, I didn’t look like other girls, I was too quiet, no one was going to like me, I was fat, everyone was going to laugh at me, I could go on and on. After my first few drinks all of those thoughts and feelings vanished.

It’s difficult watching people going down that same self destructive road. I can’t exactly contact them and tell them what I think. First they would think I was insane and it doesn’t work that way.

For some people there is no “rock bottom”. They will drink themselves to death. I would’ve. I had plenty of moments that for anyone else would have been “rock bottoms” yet I continued drinking.

The one thing that helped me to stop was learning why I was drinking.

Once I was diagnosed as Bipolar w/Social Anxiety Disorder and PTSD I finally understood why I felt the way I did from such a young age. I had stopped drinking before my diagnosis but it was extremely difficult. I was staying sober by locking myself in the house. It was no way to live. Finding out there was an underlying reason made a huge difference.

I won’t say I’m in a great place now because I’m not. But it has more to do with my physical health interfering with my mental health. At least I know what the problem is and know how to deal with it.

 


SOCIAL MEDIA AND MENTAL HEALTH

Social Media has become toxic for me. I’m an emotional person or someone who doesn’t have great control of their emotions. I often respond to comments or what I see immediately without thinking. Later I over think about how I responded.

Was my response too much? Did I sound crazy? Am I now Blocked or Muted? I then worry so much my daily headache becomes a sledgehammer and my stomach is in knots. All of this over responses on social media that half the time most people don’t read.

Then I get upset thinking that no one is reading my comments or cares what I have to say. I don’t matter.

Then I have the other problem of when someone responds to what I’ve written and it happens to be a known musician. I can’t be happy about it because I know the trolls are coming. And sure enough I’ll have a message in my DM box supposedly from the musician who liked something I wrote except it’s not really them!!

This pisses me off to no end. It took 2 months to get rid of fake Steven Tyler. Not one person from Mr. Tyler’s team could take a second to say “Yes we know about this guy and we’re handling it”. If John 5 can do it I think Steven Tyler has enough people to do it also.

I shouldn’t have to teach myself hacking and private investigating skills to take care of the situation myself. This person got my cell number, I was receiving 10 texts a night. I would block them and he would get around it, all the while insisting he was Steven Tyler.

The person was relentless. He didn’t want money, a bank account number, social security number, or anything else he just kept saying he wanted “true love”. He’s more delusional than I am if he thought that was the way to go about it.

What was making me angry was watching all the women that honestly believed he was Steven Tyler. I’m suspicious by nature and have major trust issues so I wasn’t going to fall for it unless he showed up in a private jet at walked out of it as the real Steven Tyler. I’m not an idiot. Unfortunately when you’re honest about mental illness and addiction people assume you are.

All of a sudden they talk louder and slower like I’m hard of hearing and 5 years old. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I feel an itch in my right palm because I want to punch them. It’s worse when doctors do it.

I was on Twitter looking up Antique Clock Dealers when for some reason James Woods showed up. I’ve seen him at auctions but not for clocks so I clicked on his Twitter account to see if he changed hobbies. Bad idea.

I should’ve known I would be subjected to Mr. Woods political opinions. The big one was how many “Millions of children have been murdered by abortion in the last 40 years”. Now I’m pretty sure he hasn’t adopted any children, I’m also sure he can’t even take his mother’s dog to PetSmart without being rude and condescending to woman at the counter. I’ve also seen him literally push an elderly man out of his way during an auction. He messed with the wrong old guy because he got sharp elbow in the ribs for his bad behavior. I laughed. (It was my Dad doing the elbowing) I was going to comment on his Twitter account but I was able to control myself. Yay!

Last week I listened to Dark Matter Radio with Dave Navarro except Dave wasn’t there. The group was discussing homeless people and how they probably make more money than they do by panhandling. Some other comments were made. I admit it hit a nerve.

I wrote to them discreetly a story about a man with Schizophrenia who never panhandled. He did odd jobs for an old man that owned a gas station. He chose to be homeless because being forced to take the medications that made him grind his teeth, drool, and shake uncontrollably was too much. Yes, he self-medicated with Heroin for years and contracted HIV. He lived many years with HIV until 2 years ago when he passed away from AIDS related pneumonia. I explained that this man was kind, generous, and funny. His favorite joke was “What’s black and white, black and white, black and white?” I would say “What?” already knowing the answer “A nun falling down the stairs!” He would laugh like a little kid and hug me goodbye. He was my Uncle. I loved him.

I wanted them to see homeless people in different way. I received a response of “Thanks for sharinf” Yup, it was spelled wrong. Who knows who read it but I doubt it was the people who needed to.

As a side note, my Dad told me yesterday he didn’t think he was ever really capable of loving another person. I asked him “Not anyone? Your mother? Sisters or brothers?”. He said “Maybe my mother but that’s it”. No mention of my mother, or his children. How am I supposed to deal with that? My sister said it was my own fault for talking to him. I don’t get it. So I’m on my own. I can’t really enjoy anything lately. Even music makes things worse or I feel let down somehow. Feelin’ broke can’t get fixed.steven-tyler-womens-shelter-920x584dave-navarro


THE BEAST INSIDE

Sometimes I want to rage at everyone, all the liars, the manipulators, the insensitive ones, the ones who can’t look me in the eye or make time for me.

It was easy when I drank to release the beast inside. I screamed, threw things, swung my fists at the nearest offender.

The problem is there will always be a bigger, badder, beast than you. When that day comes it changes you.

You swallow any anger, rage, resentment, fear, sadness, for as long as you can. You are too afraid to release any of it because of that one moment you were crushed, broken into a million pieces.

There was nothing left of you after that. Your smile never quite reached your eyes again, your laughter sounded forced, fake, at least to your own ears. No one else noticed you just going through the motions. No one noticed how jumpy you became when a door slammed or voices were raised. How you had to have your back to a wall so you could see every person coming and going. NO ONE NOTICED.

They now notice a sliver of the beast creeping out here and there. Eventually you get full, you can only swallow so much.

What happens when the beast is set completely free? Self-destruction is the only hand I have left to play.

Everyone has gone. I stayed silent too long or not long enough depending on who you ask.

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NO COMMUNICATION

I went into Kidney Failure again, I should’ve recognized the signs but didn’t. All they could do is get rid of the excess fluid backed up in my one good kidney. They couldn’t do much else because I’m too sick to operate on right now. They sent me home late yesterday.

My white blood cell count and red blood cell count are both down, my blood pressure is would suggest I’m already dead, my temperature was 100 degrees but is now staying at 94 degrees. I have a headache that would make a Super Hero cry, I can’t even tell you about my sinuses and phlegm problem because I still hope to have at least 1 date before I die.

As usual I couldn’t reach my twin sister to tell her I was in the ICU. My Dad is also sick right now so he couldn’t be with me. She did text me back eventually. After I got out of the Hospital.

I haven’t talked out loud to anyone very much in the last year. My Dad is usually miserable and I’m afraid I’ll set him off. My twin sister doesn’t answer her phone but will sometimes send me a text. I told her today that I’m having trouble with the loneliness, I’m talking to myself, Dad’s yelling at me constantly and it would be nice to just talk about current events or TV shows we both watch because it’s bad.

She sent me a text 3 hours later that she “had” to nap a lot today but she “might” give me a call later.

I’m really feeling done.

When I mentioned I might spend 6 months to a year in Florida with my Aunt all of a sudden my Dad says he has no money and needs more money from me for bills. I’ve given him $2,000 in the last month and a half. There went the money I was going to use towards my lease/rental. I know it’s on purpose and he has money.

No one wants to be around me, no one wants to talk to me, but they don’t want me to leave.

My entire life they never had a problem leaving me behind. In many different ways. Physically and emotionally.

I’m always watching from behind trying to catch up, trying to belong, jumping up and down whispering “pick me, pick me”, they never have and after this long I don’t think they ever will. loneliness-wide


ABOVE GROUND CHARITY EVENT MENTAL HEALTH AND ADDICTION INFORMATION

The Above Ground Charity Event is being presented by Dave Navarro and Billy Morrison in partnership with Revolver Gallery. The event is to raise awareness and funds for the treatment of mental health. Two iconic albums will be played in their entirety with an all star band and special guests. The event takes place at The Belasco Theater 1050 S. Hill St. Los Angeles, CA, Monday April 16th. Tickets are on sale now from ticketmaster and livenation. Proceeds donated to MusiCares.

This is an event I would love to attend. I’m just not sure it’s a good idea. My physical health isn’t the greatest but I could also feel worse because of my environment. I have flown to California alone before but I’ve never spent time alone there. It’s a decision making time and I’m not good at decisions. lol

MENTAL HEALTH AND ADDICTION INFORMATION AND STATISTICS (things you thought you knew but didn’t)

Roughly 50% of people with a severe mental illness are also affected by substance abuse.

What is considered “severe mental illness”?

  • Bipolar Disorder
  • Schizophrenia
  • Major Depressive Disorder
  • Borderline Personality Disorder
  • Social Anxiety Disorder
  • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Mental Illness is caused by a combination of genetics (your family history), your environment, and other outside factors.

37% of alcohol abusers and 53% of drug abusers also have at least one serious mental illness.

Alcohol and drug abuse are often used to self-medicate the symptoms of mental health problems that have gone undiagnosed. In the long term this worsens symptoms.

Evidence shows that people who abuse opioid painkillers are at greater risk of depression and marijuana users have an increased risk of psychosis.

Alcohol abuse increases the symptoms of mental illness or even triggers new symptoms, it also makes antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, and mood stabilizers less effective.

CO-OCCURRING DISORDERS QUESTIONS TO ASK

  • Do you use alcohol or drugs to cope with unpleasant memories or feelings, to control pain or the intensity of your moods, to face situations that frighten you, or to stay focused on tasks?
  • Have you noticed a relationship between your substance abuse and your mental health? EX: Do you get depressed when you drink?
  • Has someone in your family struggled with either a mental illness or alcohol/drug abuse?
  • Do you feel depressed or anxious even when you’re sober?
  • Do you have unresolved trauma or a history of abuse?
  • Do you ever feel guilty or ashamed about your alcohol/drug use?
  • Have you ever blacked out?
  • Has your alcohol/drug use gotten you into trouble with the law?
  • Has your alcohol/drug use caused problems with your friends/family?

TREATMENT

When looking for treatment make sure the program is licensed,  accredited and has  experience with your particular mental health issue.

The treatment addresses both substance abuse and mental health.

You share in the decision making process and are actively involved in the strategies used to help you cope with challenges and stress. It’s a waste of everyone’s time if you’re not going to do what’s suggested because you have trouble concentrating or memory issues. These things have to be shared and talked about so a program can be tailored to your specific needs.

I realize when I look at something in chart form or statistics I think it looks simple. Nothing is simple when it comes to mental health and addiction. If it was simple we wouldn’t have so many people dying.

Society is worried about gun violence when Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among 15-34 year olds. It’s 3rd among 10-14 year olds and the 10th leading cause of death overall.

There were 47,193 Suicides last year compared to 17,793 Homicides. I think the focus is on the wrong subject.

 


“SICKO”

When I hear people use words like “sicko”, “deranged”, “nut job” or other hurtful slang words to describe a person with a mental illness I cringe inside.

When I hear or read those words coming from the President of The United States I wonder if realizes or cares about the harm he’s doing and the added stigma he’s creating.

People who are diagnosed with a mental illness are not “monsters” to be feared or taken off the streets and institutionalized.

This is a fact, people with mental illness have more violence done to them than any other group in the United States.

40% of women with a mental illness have been raped or sexually assaulted in their lifetime. 

Our answer to this is to make them feel worse about themselves? More ostracized? More frightened by society than they already are?

I find it disgusting.

If you’ve never had the chance to see the inside of a State run institution I suggest you check yourself in for a few days and let me know what you think. That is if they release you. If you lived in Rhode Island from 1950-1997 chances are you were put in an over crowded facility where you slept in a chair, on a table, or a floor. Look up just how many Pauper’s graves were found on the grounds of this lovely institution. Hundreds of thousands of unidentified human beings that were treated like animals.

You might ask how I know this for sure. My Grandmother was a Nurse there. She should’ve been a patient. My Uncle, her son, actually was a patient for a few years. How anyone could do that to their own child I’ll never know. I’m not too surprised because she later abandoned all 7 of them without a place to live. They lived in a chicken coop for some time.

You can look it up. It was called the Howard Center and the IMH in Cranston, Rhode Island. The newer facilities are not much better.

It’s difficult enough when people find out you’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar or Schizophrenia without the Government making it sound like we all want to kill or mame everyone we come into contact with.

I am part of that 40%. I have also been slapped, spit on, kicked, punched, thrown down stairs, had concussions, and other violence done against me. I thought I deserved it. I DON’T ANYMORE.

I’m not a doormat or a punching bag. I am a human being who is more sensitive than other people. I startle easily and I stutter when frightened or under stress. I love animals, my nephews, my dad, my twin sister, my brother, and I miss my mom more than anything in the world.

Am I capable of violence? I think the question should be who isn’t? Everyone has their breaking points. If someone was to hurt your child would you protect them with violence? I think most people would. Does this make you a “sicko”? No. It makes you human. Try to remember your humanity when you listen to or read whatever vile crap is being spewed by people in positions of power who don’t know when to be quiet.


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