My twin sister returned Sunday from a short vacation to a place I had begged her to go with me. As usual I would’ve paid but she still said no. She had not contacted me or my father since we had to put our dog down. Today was a bad day for me. I was home alone with nothing to distract me from my thoughts. I had been crying when my sister decided to call.
Right from the start she was annoyed. She said “For once can I call and talk to you without all the drama?”. I tried to calm myself down so I could talk. My stutter was acting up so it was hard. She asked how our dad was doing and I told her that he’s really depressed. She said I was making him depressed. She said my constant negativity, crying, and drama was too much for him and I needed to get my “shit” together. She said I need therapy or to go into the hospital and that she wasn’t going to participate in my “emotional cutting” anymore.
For someone who never returns phone calls I don’t see how she participates that much. She says we talk more than normal sisters do. I must be imagining things because I know sisters that talk everyday. We talk once or twice a week and it always ends with her telling me all my faults and me upset.
For the first time ever my dad said “Let her spend a day in your shoes then see what she has to say”. I was surprised because he usually stays out of it but he had had enough. When I mentioned signing up for housing he wanted to know who was putting that idea into my head. I didn’t say anything. He said “Let me guess, your sister?” Then he told me he needed me and loved me. He said he would be lonely and have nothing to look forward to if I wasn’t there. I know him better than anyone. He means it. It’s one of the many reasons why I love him.
I have written about some of these topics before but they have come up again and I need to get them out somehow. My family has a hard time understanding any of it and are part of the problem.
Most of my life I have felt the need to prove I am “good enough”, “that I belong”, and I am not “worthless”. I have always felt this way and those feelings were reinforced by kids at school and sometimes family. I’ve mentioned before my twin sister and even though we are not identical aunts and uncles would get us confused. Their way of telling us apart was by me being the fat one and my sister the thin one. Even my mom would say things without thinking. Introducing my sister as the one in college with a boyfriend and turning to me and saying “oh and that’s her sister”. I never said anything, not even when I was laughed at in school and called names.
In high school I would go to parties with my best friend. My sister-in-law’s brother went to school with us and went to the same parties. He was cute and popular and so were his friends. I remember one of them mooing at me one night, my sister-in-law’s brother said nothing. I just drank more. This happened a few times until I was drunk enough to tell them off. It made things worse. I started showing up with a few guys from a new crowd that were older and bigger, they left me alone then. Problem was the new crowd was way worse.
When I went to bars I always tried to look my best even at 250 pounds. If a guy I liked was ignoring me I would drink more and act like an ass. Proving points my friend Christian called it. He also said I was proving points to people who weren’t worth it and I was hurting myself. He was right. I had been proving points my whole life.
My niece’s graduation party is soon and there will be people there I haven’t seen in a long time. They don’t know I have lost over 120 pounds and now have red hair. I mentioned wearing something nice to my sister and she got mad. She said it wasn’t my day or about me. She doesn’t understand how it feels to be at family functions constantly tugging on your clothes because you feel fat and ugly. I’m also thinner than her now it makes her mad. Where was she when I was being spit on and being called “a fat f**king pig”? She was having fun at college. She knows the humiliation I went through she just worries about herself. So I was told not to dress up or anything. My sister-in-law’s brother will be there. Did I mention he would flirt with me if we were alone? Funny. I will look my best no matter what anyone says. I’m not going to wear an evening gown or anything but I’ll try to look nice because I always did anyway. Shame on anyone that wants to take that away from me. To finally be ok with myself at 42 I think I deserve it.