I think my sister and I are fighting. I think I can’t remember. She hasn’t talked to me since September 28th. In your world that wouldn’t seem like a long time. In twin world and my Bipolar, Conversion Disorder, Separation Anxiety world, it is. It’s like a year. I really can’t remember if we had a fight or not and this part of life is getting worse. I sat in the driveway with the car running and my hand hovering over the gear shift trying to remember what to do. Then my hand would go to the windshield wipers. Things like this are happening frequently. I stumble like I am drunk sometimes. The word finding and remembering peoples names is embarrassing. My family and people I know will tell me ” Oh it’s probably your meds, don’t worry.” or ” You just went through a major health scare, relax”. These problems started slowly before my kidneys failed. My doctor had me checked for Parkinson’s and MS about 8 years ago. And I know Celiac Disease causes cognitive issues and sometimes short term memory problems. I mean who do you know that has Vitamin D resistant Rickets??!! But it’s scary sometimes. Now on to better things.
I was in a fun mood. STOP LAUGHING!! When I say fun I mean dark fun! So I made these earrings in the spirit of Halloween, but also to pay homage to movies where masks like these were worn. Of course I can’t remember a single one right now but could remember the word homage. That bothers me because movies are a big part of my life along with music and books.
I find myself in a place that I try not to be in often. A state of anger, rage, and the past. I fought with my father today about today about the past. He screamed at me “How could we believe you when you were drunk out of your mind?”. I asked him if he really thought all that blood was from a simple fall? He asked me if I wanted him to kill the person because he’s dying anyway. I told him it didn’t matter now.
He thought I was over it. I asked him if he ever thought of why I startle so easily, why I don’t like loud men’s voices, why I cringe into myself when he starts slamming things around. He got up and went outside.
I wanted to dress up and drive by my friend’s house just to see who was there. I was frightened of what I might do if I saw she had company and again I wasn’t invited. I was afraid he would be there and I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from screaming or throwing something at him. I can’t get these demons out of my head.
It isn’t just that one person. There are a few that treated me like I was nothing, useless, garbage. The things humans do and say to one another are what hurt the most. What I can’t forgive are the ones that pretend to understand and act nice but secretly have ulterior motives. I am a human being. I am not a marketing tool, punching bag, ego booster, or doormat. I feel things deeper and for a longer period of time than other people.
Today I left the house for the first time since I had to euthanize my dog. I wouldn’t have left the house today if my dad hadn’t refuse to go to the store for me again. He said I had to go outside. I don’t know why. If I didn’t need food I wouldn’t have.
My sister hasn’t called or texted since we lost Pookie. She’s always there for me. Lol My mother was never an animal person either. Neither of them could ever understand my father and me getting upset over an animal or taking such an interest in all animals. How they survive, breed, their environment, all of it. Veterinarians would call my dad and ask him questions about birds. He had to go to one Vets house to separate his male and female pheasants for him because he didn’t know. I’m proud of him for that. For a man with only an 8th grade education and an alcoholic who has been sober for 32 years.
My dad is as depressed as I am. He doesn’t want to do dialysis anymore. They hurt him every time he goes. He has to stay a half hour extra with a clamp on his fistula because it won’t stop bleeding. I told him it’s because they’re doing it wrong and possibly infiltrating him every time. He doesn’t say anything. We are bringing each other down. I don’t want this. I want him to live. I love him so much for sticking by me when everyone else told him not to. He never gave up on me. Since my mom passed away he’s given up on a lot. It’s been 7 years and he still hasn’t found any peace. Deep down I think he wants to be with her. I can’t blame him. I’m being selfish because I don’t want to be left alone.
My sister finally calls this afternoon about our father. I started trying to reach her June 13 at 11:00 a.m. by calling, texting, facebook, and texting again. I refuse to call her husband to get in touch with her. I made it very clear that there was a situation going bad. She talks to him today and he makes everything sound normal. He doesn’t mention pushing me into the wall in his frazzled state and running around until he collapses. This is the last straw. I’ve had enough.
It isn’t just his treatment of me, his personality has changed due to the dialysis and he’s scared. I have seen him crying after he has been mean to me. I understand. I live with him and have always spent the most time with him. I told him today he needs to do his will. He doesn’t understand what my sister and brother will do. I told him straight out. They think they can just release the birds. As for his clocks they know nothing about them and don’t care. If the dogs are still alive they will have to be given to a shelter because I doubt they will be letting me stay long enough to find a place to live with all three of them. He didn’t think this would happen. I told him this is what was said to me. My sister and brother are not animal people so it wouldn’t bother them. They also don’t know that the birds won’t fly “away”. These types of birds will stay where they are. They have no clue about the clocks and the beauty of the workmanship that went into them. My sister mentioned selling the birds to restaurants, something my father would never do and has refused to do in the past.
About the neighbor. I personally inoculated these birds from disease by injecting them in the neck with the proper medicine just like a vet would do. She had seen something on tv. These birds are healthier than any you would find in a breeding program to increase the population of endangered species, which my father has a license to do. With only a 7th grade education. I’m proud as hell that he’s accomplished that. My sister and brother do not get this.
My brother (my father’s stepson) has not called or come over in about 6 months because my father doesn’t allow alcohol in the house and hates talking to someone that has been drinking. My father worries himself sick about what to do about him.
My sister never calls him or comes over. Her excuse is the dogs and that he knows how to use the phone too. He has called her many, many times with no response until I get involved. This makes me the bad guy.
So what I’m saying is they deserve nothing. I took care of my mother while she was dying in this house. They never came. I am now taking care of my father in the last stage of kidney failure on dialysis. I am the only one that offered a kidney. Mine are damaged. I didn’t know. I would give him the world if I could. He used to joke and smile with me all the time. Not anymore. He feels like I do. A burden. He isn’t, I just don’t want to lose him but at the same time he scares me.
My mom got pregnant on purpose. He was scared and left for awhile. When he came back that was it he was committed. He changed diapers, brushed our hair, fed us, my mom had one he had the other. He didn’t have to come back. But he did and chose to be the best father he knew how to be. He never really had one, there were no hugs in his family and no expressions of emotion. No one told each other “I love you”. He made sure that changed with us. How hard that had to have been for him. He said it was all because of my mom. I believe it.
These are some of the things that make me happy. Animals, photography, and making jewelry. Don’t let anyone tell you that what makes you happy is stupid or a waste of time. If you enjoy it, do it. If you want to give praise to someone or a group of people that have inspired you or helped in some way, DO IT.
Yes they have handlers and security that monitor whenever their names are mentioned. Guess what? I don’t care. I don’t want anything from anyone. I learned a long time ago to never expect anything from anyone. What I do expect is respect as a human being, which I am. At least that’s what my birth certificate says. I will continue to name the names of songs and people who have in some way touched me or made me see things in a different way. If they don’t like it they can tell me. I’ve never really been too negative to anyone. Freedom of Speech, I think you’ve heard of it.