I think my sister and I are fighting. I think I can’t remember. She hasn’t talked to me since September 28th. In your world that wouldn’t seem like a long time. In twin world and my Bipolar, Conversion Disorder, Separation Anxiety world, it is. It’s like a year. I really can’t remember if we had a fight or not and this part of life is getting worse. I sat in the driveway with the car running and my hand hovering over the gear shift trying to remember what to do. Then my hand would go to the windshield wipers. Things like this are happening frequently. I stumble like I am drunk sometimes. The word finding and remembering peoples names is embarrassing. My family and people I know will tell me ” Oh it’s probably your meds, don’t worry.” or ” You just went through a major health scare, relax”. These problems started slowly before my kidneys failed. My doctor had me checked for Parkinson’s and MS about 8 years ago. And I know Celiac Disease causes cognitive issues and sometimes short term memory problems. I mean who do you know that has Vitamin D resistant Rickets??!! But it’s scary sometimes. Now on to better things.
I was in a fun mood. STOP LAUGHING!! When I say fun I mean dark fun! So I made these earrings in the spirit of Halloween, but also to pay homage to movies where masks like these were worn. Of course I can’t remember a single one right now but could remember the word homage. That bothers me because movies are a big part of my life along with music and books.
I find myself in a place that I try not to be in often. A state of anger, rage, and the past. I fought with my father today about today about the past. He screamed at me “How could we believe you when you were drunk out of your mind?”. I asked him if he really thought all that blood was from a simple fall? He asked me if I wanted him to kill the person because he’s dying anyway. I told him it didn’t matter now.
He thought I was over it. I asked him if he ever thought of why I startle so easily, why I don’t like loud men’s voices, why I cringe into myself when he starts slamming things around. He got up and went outside.
I wanted to dress up and drive by my friend’s house just to see who was there. I was frightened of what I might do if I saw she had company and again I wasn’t invited. I was afraid he would be there and I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from screaming or throwing something at him. I can’t get these demons out of my head.
It isn’t just that one person. There are a few that treated me like I was nothing, useless, garbage. The things humans do and say to one another are what hurt the most. What I can’t forgive are the ones that pretend to understand and act nice but secretly have ulterior motives. I am a human being. I am not a marketing tool, punching bag, ego booster, or doormat. I feel things deeper and for a longer period of time than other people.
Today wasn’t so bad. I only cried a little and that was because I was stuck on the bathroom floor. I ate too much and one of the things I ate was Alfredo sauce. Dairy is no longer my friend. My stomach isn’t used to large quantities of food so I was very nauseous. After being sick all my energy was spent. So that’s how I wound up on the floor.
The doctor’s appointment yesterday was a waste of time. There are still no answers as to why my kidneys failed but one good thing is that it isn’t cancer of my kidneys, bladder or ureters. I have to see another doctor though. I expected as much. My dad went with me even though he couldn’t hear half of what was being said. It was still good to have him there.
I have decided to cut my sister some slack. This is the only way we can have a relationship. I have come to realize that she has a lot to deal with herself and I certainly don’t make things easier. This doesn’t excuse some of the things she says but I know she loves me. She called last night to apologize for some of what she has said and told me what she has been dealing with. Finally a two sided conversation. Baby steps.
I’m still sad, worried and anxious. Those feelings will always be there. I’m trying to tame them down as best as I can. Some days I won’t be able to and I need to accept that. I also need to stop and think that it’s just one day and hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Today I left the house for the first time since I had to euthanize my dog. I wouldn’t have left the house today if my dad hadn’t refuse to go to the store for me again. He said I had to go outside. I don’t know why. If I didn’t need food I wouldn’t have.
My sister hasn’t called or texted since we lost Pookie. She’s always there for me. Lol My mother was never an animal person either. Neither of them could ever understand my father and me getting upset over an animal or taking such an interest in all animals. How they survive, breed, their environment, all of it. Veterinarians would call my dad and ask him questions about birds. He had to go to one Vets house to separate his male and female pheasants for him because he didn’t know. I’m proud of him for that. For a man with only an 8th grade education and an alcoholic who has been sober for 32 years.
My dad is as depressed as I am. He doesn’t want to do dialysis anymore. They hurt him every time he goes. He has to stay a half hour extra with a clamp on his fistula because it won’t stop bleeding. I told him it’s because they’re doing it wrong and possibly infiltrating him every time. He doesn’t say anything. We are bringing each other down. I don’t want this. I want him to live. I love him so much for sticking by me when everyone else told him not to. He never gave up on me. Since my mom passed away he’s given up on a lot. It’s been 7 years and he still hasn’t found any peace. Deep down I think he wants to be with her. I can’t blame him. I’m being selfish because I don’t want to be left alone.