Monthly Archives: October 2017

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS OF ADDICTION

No one wants to be an addict or an alcoholic. There’s always an underlying reason for the choice we make to keep using or drinking. I had several reasons. They are in no way excuses but explanations.

Lately there have been an overwhelming amount of people coming forward to tell their stories of sexual harassment, assault, rape, and physical abuse by people that are either famous or somewhat known. This is a good start.

There’s an element to one of these cases that isn’t discussed.

The fact that the two people involved were addicts in a relationship.

I’m not condoning anything or taking sides. I want that understood.

What I am saying is based on my own experience.

When I was drunk I was aggressive at times and I would start fights with men. Mostly because I knew they didn’t find me attractive. This wasn’t their fault it was my extremely low self esteem and possibly my undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder.

Your average woman doesn’t punch a guy in the face because he refuses her advances.

I also think I had sex with men that were too drunk to consent. This is hard to admit but I know I did this once. The person was someone I was close to and it ruined our friendship for awhile then worse things happened and we were close again.

I’ve been beaten badly while drunk. I’ve had sex during a blackout on several occasions so that would be I guess without my consent.

The person I have hated for years who did the most damage is an alcoholic/drug user who I drank with daily. I never wanted to forgive him.

The problem is I was just as bad as he was. The only difference is I stopped drinking over 9 years ago. I admitted the damage I had done to other people and myself. He still thinks he did nothing wrong. He thinks this way because he still drinks.

Drinking and drug abuse stunts you emotionally and your maturity. You don’t grow up when you’re using or drinking. You stay the same age you were when you started. If you started at 16 then you have a 16 year old boy’s mentality. I’m not making this up.

I never grew up. There were so many “adult” things I didn’t know how to do when I stopped drinking. I never had to do them.

When two addicts/alcoholics are in a relationship I can tell you from experience horrible things are going to be said and done. At the time you don’t think it’s that bad. It’s only years later when you’ve stopped using and have some clarity that you realize how wrong everything was.

I’m still working on forgiveness and I’m sure there are a few people who can’t forgive me. Not the people I drank with because they all still drink or they’re dead but my family.

I do understand the places alcohol took me. Physically and emotionally. These are places I never want to visit again. I have to accept my part in the things that went on then. I’ve made my amends to those I needed to but all of it still haunts me.

I know this because I have “drunk dreams” once in awhile to remind me. I hate those nights but they serve a purpose.

I hope I’m making sense and not offending people.6-addiction-emotions-3

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TOP 50 HORROR MOVIES 19-15

The count continues with a film I could talk about for hours.

  • 19) Bram Stoker’s Dracula~ 1992 Director: Francis Ford Coppola Cast: Gary Oldman Keanu Reeves~ Despite some of the acting by specific actors the opening scene more than makes up for it. Filled with love, grief and fury it shows the reasoning behind Dracula’s transformation, his renouncement of God. Tom Waits as Renfield is genius.
  • 18) You’re Next~ 2011 A somewhat more original story that was needed at the time. A woman goes with her boyfriend to his parent’s wedding anniversary at their vacation home. Strangers attack the home but as guests die the girlfriend starts to piece it together. No one knew her background and they’re in for a surprise.
  • 17) Frailty~ 2001 Director: Bill Paxton Cast: Bill Paxton Matthew McConaughey~ I love this movie because you’re not sure if the religiously fanatic father is losing his mind and mistreating his children or if there’s any truth to what he believes. In the end you find out for sure. Rare for a film.
  • 16) The Devil’s Backbone~ 2001 Guillermo del Toro~ It’s easy to over think a film and with this one many have. Some believe the film to be a metaphor for the rise of Fascism in Spain. I saw an orphaned boy, traumatized and uncomfortable in his own skin in an orphanage haunted by a boy who died there previously. Guillermo always does haunting, beautiful films that I usually find myself shedding at least one tear at.
  • 15) The Thing~ 1982 Director: John Carpenter Cast: Kurt Russell~ A research station in Antarctica goes to check on a nearby station where they find all of them missing or dead. They do find the remains of something the station tried to destroy. I’m not a fan of Sci-Fi Horror but I love this one. It has a lot of jump factors and the tension between the characters as they begin to distrust one another keeps you watching.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


THE BIGGER PICTURE~ ADDICTION

Is addiction a problem? Yes, it is. But the bigger problem being ignored is why are people turning to drugs and alcohol?

Rebecca Farley David Vice President for policy and advocacy at the National Council for Behavioral Health says more than half of people with Substance Abuse disorders also suffer from depression, anxiety, or another mental illness. Treatment should address both issues.

Rarely does this happen. I know firsthand that this rarely happens. Because of this I went undiagnosed for 27 years. No one should have to wait that long for help or be treated like they don’t matter.

The top leading causes of Death in the U.S. as of May 5, 2017 were the following:

  • Heart Disease- 616,067
  • Cancer- 562,875
  • Stroke- 135,952
  • Chronic Lower Respiratory Disease- 127,924
  • Accident- 123,706
  • Alzheimer’s- 74,632
  • Influenza or Pneumonia- 52,717
  • Kidney Disease- 46,448
  • Suicide- 44,193

What’s missing from this list?

Drug overdoses.

We have a bigger Mental Health problem that leads to self-medicating and addiction. This is what needs to be addressed.

I’ve attempted suicide several times, I’m an alcoholic in remission for over 9 years, I have Bipolar Disorder, Conversion Disorder and Social Phobia. I also have Kidney Disease. All of this is scary but it makes me realize I have to try harder to live life.

2016-02-05 18_52_26-FastStats - Leading Causes of Death

This is last years list I couldn’t find an image to download of the May 2017 list.


DARKENED ROOM

I find myself going to my room earlier each day. I sit in my dimly lit bathroom, smoking cigarettes and watching TV and movies. There’s an exhaust fan in the ceiling that sucks the smoke out. I don’t smoke during the day or if I go away. When I went to Salem and the other Hotel for 4 days I didn’t smoke at all. Whenever I visit my Aunt in Florida I don’t feel the need to smoke. Only when I’m home.

I already know it’s unhealthy, my mom passed away from complications from Lung Cancer. I’ve seen what it does and horrible it is. I’ve given up drinking, sex, socializing, most food, and my health isn’t looking promising anyway.

I feel relaxed and almost happy when I make it to my room. I don’t have to hear my Dad growling “GODDAMN, GODDAMN!” while I start to sweat and feel sick. Yesterday he knocked over the kitchen utensil holder. Instead of picking everything up he decided to start smashing dishes everywhere. I was frozen in my chair in the living room with tears rolling down my face.

It’s a horrible feeling not being able to move when all you want to do is run. When he came in to where I was he became angrier that I was crying. When I was able to move I went to my room.

I’m having trouble finishing anything I start. Jewelry, coloring, my horror list, posts, research, finding a doctor etc.

Hopefully things will change soon. It usually does eventually. I just never know when. It could be weeks, months, or days.

I don’t think having a fever is helping or that my tongue is kind of green and white. I know how to fix that but it might be too late. The virus may have gone to my stomach or other organs. I hate doctors. I hate finding new doctors just to get antibiotics I’m really not supposed to take because I take too many at the highest dose as it is because of my Kidney Stents. At some point they will stop working.

Okay, I’m going to try to be nice to my dad and go to my room.


TOO MUCH THERAPY CAN RUIN RELATIONSHIPS

Therapy is beneficial to many people in many ways. When it isn’t beneficial is when it’s used to justify hurtful things you say to people.

My twin sister has a habit of doing this often.

She has told me recently that my Dad never really wanted to spend the time with me that he did, he felt he had to because he was afraid I would hurt myself or drink. She also said he never liked the movies or TV shows that I forced him to watch.

I felt sick, sad, guilty, angry, lost, and alone. Most of this is probably true. Which leaves me feeling how I used to years ago. Worthless and unwanted.

Physically something is going on that I don’t really want to deal with. I’m tired of all of it.

I don’t want to be growled at anymore for speaking. I don’t want to repeat myself 5 times when I have trouble talking. I don’t want to beg people to talk to me or like me, it hurts too much.

I need my stents changed but I’m afraid I won’t come out of the anesthesia. I’m worse than I’ve ever been and the doctors have already been concerned about this happening.

The reason anesthesia is a safe place for me is because it’s the same each time. It’s a sunny, happy place with loved ones I can’t be with.

I tired of feeling this way but it’s difficult when the physical is connected to the mental and vice versa. I keep going but it isn’t living.

I have to say I enjoy when my brother in law comes home from therapy and says “My therapist told me…..” and will be the opposite of what my sister believes or wants him to do. She get’s so pissed she actually calls me directly to complain.

Family, what can you do?


TOP 50 HORRO FILMS~ #29-20

Stating off this portion of the count is a film I watched recently.

  • 29) Let Us Prey~ 2014 Cast: Liam Cunningham~ A cop assigned to new station in a small town where a few locals and one stranger all end up at the station where secrets are revealed and punishment may or may not fit the crime.
  • 28) The Omen~ 1976 An American ambassador questions if he’s raising the Antichrist. The best of the “Evil Child” or “Bad Seed” movies ever made where you never forget the name Damien.
  • 27) Friday the 13th~ 1980 Camp Counselors are murdered one by one at camp where a child’s death was the fault of camp counselors years before.
  • 26) Brawl in Cell Block 99~ 2017 Cast: Vince Vaughn Don Johnson~ I haven’t Vince Vaughn this good in a long time. He owned this part where the tension and violence builds as the film goes on. Vaughn’s physical appearance was even surprising. His arms were like two swinging sledgehammers destroying everything in his path. There’s also an underlying message about privatized prisons that’s hard to ignore.
  • 25) Near Dark~ 1987 Director: Kathryn Bigelow Cast: Bill Paxton Lance Henriksen~ The fact that Kathryn Bigelow directed this film is reason enough to watch it. The actors are good but the plot is a little spotty. For some reason this film stays with me so there has to be something there.
  • 24) Nightbreed~ 1990 Director: Clive Barker Cast: Craig Sheffer David Cronenberg~ It’s rare that the autor of a novel can write the screenplay and direct the movie successfully. But we are talking about Clive Barker who makes you wish a place like Midian actually existed.
  • 23) The Amityville Horror~ 1979 Cast: James Brolin Margot Kidder~ When you have anything even loosely based on a true story it’s a little more disturbing for me. If you aware of what happened in the house originally it makes you yell at the screen and ask “Why the Hell don’t you LEAVE?!”
  • 22) The Bad Batch~ 2016 Director: Ana Lily Amirpour Cast: Jason Momoa Keanu Reeves Suki Waterhouse~ People considered “undesirable” or “bad” in society are exiled to a Texas wasteland. One young woman is dropped off in the middle of this wasteland to fend for herself and decide what really defines a person as “bad”?
  • 21) The Strangers~ 2008 Cast: Liv Tyler Scott Speedman~ What makes this movie terrifying is the possible reality of  it. A couple at an isolated vacation home have the home invaded by a group of masked strangers. The worse part is they do it because they’re bored and they can. A group of teenagers with no empathy or remorse. The story supposedly came from an event in the direcor’s childhood but a similar event happened in 1981 at the Keddie Resort. There’s also a French film “Them” that is based on a true story that’s almost exactly the same.
  • 20) Texas Chainsaw Massacre~ 1974 Director: Tobe Hooper~ Considered controversial at the time 5 youths on a weekend getaway in Texas run into a sadistic family one which wears a mask made of human skin. Some of this movie is taken from real events. Mostly Ed Gein.

TOP 50 HORROR MOVIES~ 39-30

I know it’s taken me awhile but it isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. lol It’s harder when you can’t make decisions. I also know that I’m doing this mostly for myself as a distraction. I think that’s okay.

  • 39) The Believers~ 1987 Director: John Schlesinger Cast: Martin Sheen Helen Shaver~ A psychiatrist discovers a satanic cult is after his son for a sacrificial ceremony. Anytime there are bugs, spiders, worms, or snacks, hatching out of a person’s face I’m watching it.
  • 38) Graveyard Shift~ 1990 Director: Ralph S. Singleton Cast: Stephen Macht Kelly Wolf~ Who doesn’t love giant rats?
  • 37) Session 9~ 2001 Director: Brad Anderson Cast: David Caruso Josh Lucas~ An asbestos removal crew are sent to work in an abandoned insane asylum. (A real asylum that was in Danvers, MA but has since been torn down) The crew’s personal baggage is complicated by tapes found from one of the patients.
  • 36) Pet Sematary~ 1989 Director: Mary Lambert Cast: Fred Gwynne~ A pet cemetery has the ability to bring the dead back to life but they’re not your same loved ones. Love the soundtrack and there are a few scenes that make you jump.
  • 35) A Nightmare On Elm Street~ 1984 Director: Wes Craven Cast: Robert Englund~ A killer with razor like fingers is haunting the dreams of a group of teenagers. Freddie has always been a scary but witty character I wish they had gone into his back story a little more in the first one.
  • 34) Brotherhood of The Wolf~ 2001 Director: Christopher Gans Cast: Vincent Cassel Mark Dacascos Monica Bellucci~ Based on the French myth the “Beast of Gevaudan” which has some truth in it a beast type animal kills over 100 people and the King of France send his envoys to investigate. Vincent Cassel is a favorite French actor of mine who plays his part well. Monica Bellucci is hypnotic as usual. The real surprise here is Mark Dacascos he steals every scene he’s in.
  • 33) The Serpent and The Rainbow~ 1988 Director: Wes Craven Cast: Bill Pullman~ A scientist travels to Haiti to research a “Voodoo drug” that renders a person into a death like state. The effect doesn’t start to diminish until after 12 to 24 hours. This is partly based on an actual powder used in ceremonies.
  • 32) Event Horizon~ 1997 Director: Paul W.S. Anderson Cast: Laurence Fishburne Sam Neill~ A 7 person rescue crew is sent to salvage a spacecraft that’s been missing for 7 years. This movie was more complex than people realized. It’s more like Hellraiser than Aliens and you probably have to watch it more than once.
  • 31) Halloween~ 1978 Director: John Carpenter Cast: Jamie Lee Curtis~ Michael Myers murdered his sister on Halloween night 1963. Fifteen years later he escapes from a mental hospital to return to his hometown to kill again. The reality of the movie is what makes it true horror.
  • 30) The Hills Have Eyes~ 1977 Director: Wes Craven~ A family is stranded in the desert in an area closed to the public. Here a group of people live that are primitive, cannibalistic, inbred, and looking for new family members. You will never forget Michael Berryman.

STUPID QUESTIONS EX: WHAT’S THE NUT HOUSE REALLY LIKE?

I don’t know why I’m still shocked by the things people say or the questions they ask when they find out something from my past. I try to keep a low profile in the town I live in but I’ve been arrested a few times and I did go out every night for many years.

I also live in the smallest state so it isn’t hard for gossip to spread to people you don’t even know.

What I have a problem with are the idiotic questions from people who should know better. These are not teenagers, these are adults.

Here are some questions I’ve been asked.

“Do you get really good drugs?”

“Can I buy some from you?”

“Is that like One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest?”

“You must have felt like Frankenstein, did you?” (ECT)

“Did you meet any real crazy people where you were?”

“You’re not that bad are you? Like dangerous?”

“Aren’t there bugs and people writing on the walls with their own feces? That must have been awful”

“You’re okay now though, right?”

“Are you cured?”

“Oh, so you’re like the guy in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest?” (If I hear it one more time I’ll scream)

“So what kind of drugs are you on? Anything good?” (this is asked often)

I’m not sure why people have this specific image of the mentally ill but they do. It hasn’t gotten better if anything it may have gotten a little worse with violent acts being blamed immediately on the mentally ill in the media. I notice that people are more weary around me at times. I don’t feel comfortable with this. I don’t to frighten people.

I admit that I also feel anger at the entire situation. The lack of empathy and basic humanity is appalling to me. MV5BMTc5ODUyMDI5Ml5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNzM5OTQyNw@@._V1_SY1000_CR0,0,1480,1000_AL_MV5BNDc2NjMwNTUwOF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwOTUzNTIwNA@@._V1_SY1000_CR0,0,1499,1000_AL_MV5BMTA3MTE1ODE0NDReQTJeQWpwZ15BbWU3MDQ2OTQ5NzM@._V1_SY1000_CR0,0,1494,1000_AL_


RANTS & RAGE AGAIN

When you’re a person that has always been afraid conflict you have a tendency to push down any anger of your own. You don’t defend yourself often and stay quiet. Eventually this catches up to you.

I used to have a problem once in awhile, usually while drinking, but it tapered off as I got older. Except I find in the last year I’m having more periods of rage. Times where I want to throw something, punch a wall, and scream until I lose my voice. I can’t always tell the difference between rage and pain.

My sister has refused to have contact with me since Saturday which is unusual for us. We usually don’t go more than 3 days without at least a text because I stalk her with texts. This time I’m not. I’m not begging for my twin sister to like me.

My Dad’s hearing has either gotten extremely worse or he’s pretending it is because when I talk to him he acts like he can’t hear me until I throw something at him.

I hate repeating myself because my voice isn’t strong it never has been. I’ve had a sore throat for months now and I have trouble remembering words most times. If I start to get stressed then I start to stutter which makes it all worse. So I don’t bother anymore. I sit by myself everyday, I only talk out loud to the dogs sometimes.

The bad thing about this is when I have to go out in public and talk to someone. I feel like I’ve lost the ability for conversation. My throat feels rusty. I worry I’m making a fool of myself. Then I stay home more and more.

I just tried talking to my Dad about something on the news. One minute in I notice he isn’t looking at me and his eyes are blank. It’s like I’m not there, I’m invisible, what I was told by other people in that one moment is all true. I don’t matter, no one will ever love me, I’m a waste of space, ugly, nothing, I don’t deserve to live. The hamster wheel starts with all of these thoughts and the voices that went with them.

You can heal physically, for the most part I did. Emotionally I have never healed from my past. When I think of when I was locked in a bathroom not allowed out until I cut my wrist while they stood on the other side of the door taunting me I want to vomit. I allowed that and maybe I deserved it. If my own family can’t be around me than maybe I am that bad.

I feel like I want my Mom and I want to go home but I’m already home. So I’ll wait it out because I know it’s temporary or at least I hope it is.Klimt-Crying-Woman

 


RISK AND SIGNS OF SUICIDE

This subject isn’t a pleasant one to write about but it’s an important one. There have been too many talented, beautiful people in pain lost this year. There have also been many that we never hear about or were almost lost to us. When I hear of a person younger than me who dies by suicide that I know, it breaks something inside me.

The recent event of the son of the lead singer in my brother in law’s band angers me. I offered to help several times and each time I was brushed off like I have no idea what I’m talking about. Now I think if I had tried harder I could’ve prevented what happened. I know this isn’t true but self loathing and punishment is my thing.

INFORMATON

Women attempt suicide more often than men but men succeed in suicide more than women.

The most common method used by women is pills.

25% of suicides are by people over 65 years of age.

25% of suicides are alcohol related.

80% of people had seen a physician in the past 6 months.

50% of people had seen a physician in the last month.

RISK FACTORS

Previous attempts increases the risk of suicide greatly.

Family history of suicide or abuse.

History of psychiatric disorders.

History of alcohol/substance abuse.

Feelings of hopelessness or helplessness.

Impulsive or aggressive tendencies.

Isolation

Social losses, financial losses, death of a loved one.

People discharged from Mental Health facilities are 34 more times likely to commit suicide.

60% of the depressed population have suicidal ideations.

15% of alcoholic patients are more likely to commit suicide.

This is just a list of facts when dealing with real people it’s much more difficult. But there is truth here.

There is a history of suicide in my family. There is a history of severe mental illness and alcoholism.

I had seen physicians within 6 months of at least 2 of my suicide attempts. I was drunk during all of them and felt like I had a gaping hole in my chest that could never be filled. A lonely ache that never went away. It’s still here but I deal with it. When manic I was impulsive or aggressive and I chose pills and razors. One time a roof that turned out to not really be a roof.

It kind of blows my mind that I slipped through the cracks for so long. That I waited so long for a diagnosis or to receive any kind of help that was right. I honestly should be dead but for some reason I’m still here. Between the suicide attempts and the emergency Kidney Failure where I flat lined I figure I’m here for a reason. What that is I don’t know yet.

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