I have had people ask me recently how I didn’t realize I was sick. I was starting to get frustrated with the questions. The problem is I NEVER feel well. I haven’t for years. It becomes hard to differentiate what’s normal and what isn’t. I was sick of being poked and prodded all the time. I’ve had back pain since I was about 16. I got used to it. When a doctor asks about it it’s hard for me to explain because I’ve lived with it for so long.
So many of my symptoms crossover into each illness. Side effects from meds can be the same as Celiac. Celiac is linked to depression and stuttering. Conversion Disorder for me causes stuttering and tremors. Kidney problems have been associated with Celiac and some medications. My cognitive function has been linked to Bipolar, Celiac, and medications.
Being blamed for not knowing how ill I am makes me feel more alone and depressed. When I think back maybe there were signs I should’ve noticed. I didn’t. I had been glutened by accident. When this happens it can cause constipation or the opposite, fatigue, headaches, pain in my abdomen or gallbladder, an entire 2 page list of symptoms. It also takes months to recover. So that’s why I didn’t really notice anything until my feet swelled 4 times their size.
Now I have to have a biopsy of my urethral wall. It’s risky. The doctor doing it is the best and even he is concerned about the risk. They have one chance to get a piece of the area they need. The area is a small place to work in so if he doesn’t get it right I have to have a different kind of biopsy. The other problem is if he causes a “stricture” because then they have to rebuild the ureter and replace it causing more kidney damage.
None of this sounds good to me. But 4 doctors agree I need the biopsy because they are stumped. They don’t want me to go into kidney failure again.
I’m scared. It’s a lot of anesthesia. A lot of stress. Medicare is giving me a hard time so I’m worried about money. My Bipolar meds are not working to their full potential, leaving me a mess.
I know I am venting but there is no one to talk to. I have to get it out of my head or it will spin out of control.
One of my many problems is letting things go. If something is bothering me it will fill my head, spinning and spinning until I’m exhausted. I also make myself angry, frustrated and feel helpless to do anything about the situation. I have never liked confrontation unless I was drinking. Sober it’s extremely hard.
People or family will tell me to get over it. For them it’s easy. They have no problem speaking up. When you have Conversion Disorder like I do it’s almost impossible. My mind goes blank, I can’t find words, when I do find them my stuttering starts. It’s not a regular stutter. The only way to explain it, and I don’t want to offend anyone is how a deaf person sounds when they speak but add a stutter. It’s why when it happens my family gets so upset. Then the tremors start. The tremors are not only in my hands but in my vocal chords too. That’s why it sounds so bad. I have no control over any of it.
While in the hospital for my kidneys i was getting upset at how many times a person would come in to ask about a DNR. Do Not Resuscitate. I’m Bipolar, I was scared, my family wasn’t with me, I didn’t know what I wanted. I knew I wanted them to stop asking.
Along with the DNR question they continuously asked me what my Faith was/is. I didn’t want to tell them. My beliefs are not popular and they are my own. But they wouldn’t leave me alone about it. The pushing was becoming too much and I was afraid I would burst out with something sarcastic under the influence of the meds they were giving me. And sure enough I did. Certain medications effect me like alcohol but I was going in for surgery and wasn’t having it done without them. I lean towards Atheism and it isn’t a popular view. Sure enough after surgery they asked if I wanted to speak to one of their Spiritual Advisors. The meds were gone so I pretended to be too weak and tired.
I shouldn’t have to go through all of that when I’m already under stress and scared. There are still no answers and I have to have a biopsy done to find out what caused my kidneys to fail. The few reasons they gave me are not good ones. The outcome of all of them is bad. I’ve been keeping some of this from my dad so he doesn’t worry. But I guess I do have to make a decision about the DNR. I’m just scared.
I may be a little manic. I went to bed at 4:00 a.m. after speed reading a book, smoking a few cigarettes, drinking plenty of fluids, and being released from the hospital 3 days ago from Kidney Failure.
I haven’t read a book in almost a year, I was and still am obsessed with the fact that I’m not drinking enough water which I hate. My father thinks it’s a contest on who’s sicker, the town is doing construction at the end of my driveway, I saw myself completely naked for the first time, everything is spinning in my head and I never went back on my antidepressants because they don’t know if they contributed to the kidney failure. They haven’t been on the market long enough to know long term side effects.
Safe to say I’m a little manic.
To top it all off today I started sobbing right before my brother-in-law dropped my car off. The door was open so he walked in. He asked if I was ok. I couldn’t even lie. He hugged me and said “Hang in there.” Asked if I needed anything then said “I got my buddy waiting in the street so gotta go, ok?”. What was I going to say? “No, I’m actually thinking of taking one of the jackhammers to the town hall and seeing how they like it and I don’t give a rat’s ass if I get arrested and cry until my kidneys shrivel up.” See not such a great mood. I’ve heard that about kidneys.
My sister keeps asking why I’m making everything so difficult when I only have 2 things to do. Rest and keep hydrated. She forgets I live with the man that didn’t like us staying home sick from school unless blood, a high fever or a trip to the ER was involved. That went for work too. You didn’t take a day because you had a head cold. Never. Bad work ethic. She forgets. Then says “move out” like it’s the easiest thing to do when the man has stood by YOU when he was healthier and could. And she thinks you have money hidden somewhere. Ugh! Sorry! I’m going to read the end of the book from last night again. Delicious Foods I think the title is. I know it’s good but I was speed reading so I didn’t maintain much.