A Disturbing Episode

My father casually told me he has a tumor in his chest this morning. He doesn’t know if he will get a scan to see if it is cancerous. He says it’s because of the copay. He already pays 20% three times a week for his dialysis. He then went outside to try to catch a baby bird that got loose. But not before slamming cupboards and complaining about the shopping.

I had just started to make a Smores pie (Gluten Free). Everything overwhelmed me at once. I don’t quite remember all of it. I know I was crying and stuttering while talking to myself. I don’t know what I was saying. When my dad came back in the house I had a knife in my hand and was walking in a circle while crying, stuttering, and talking to myself. He couldn’t get my attention. I just kept going in a circle.

He said all he could make out was that I wanted my mom, that everything was my fault, and I asked where Pookie was. We had to euthanize him recently. I also kept saying I wanted to go home.

My dad took the knife from me and got a towel with cold water and wiped my face. It calmed me down. I was exhausted and left the kitchen a mess to lie down on the couch. It took an hour to feel somewhat normal. I apologized to my dad and asked if he still loved me. He said he always will no matter what.

Something has to give. The doctors need to figure out what’s wrong with my kidneys and the problems I’m having with my blood. If it’s interfering with my meds. I can’t take much more of this. I don’t think my dad can either. I’m thinking of bypassing the R.I. doctors and going to Boston. If 4 of the best in R.I. are stumped why am I still wasting my time with more of them? Maybe I’m just too scared.

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