I find myself in a place that I try not to be in often. A state of anger, rage, and the past. I fought with my father today about today about the past. He screamed at me “How could we believe you when you were drunk out of your mind?”. I asked him if he really thought all that blood was from a simple fall? He asked me if I wanted him to kill the person because he’s dying anyway. I told him it didn’t matter now.
He thought I was over it. I asked him if he ever thought of why I startle so easily, why I don’t like loud men’s voices, why I cringe into myself when he starts slamming things around. He got up and went outside.
I wanted to dress up and drive by my friend’s house just to see who was there. I was frightened of what I might do if I saw she had company and again I wasn’t invited. I was afraid he would be there and I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from screaming or throwing something at him. I can’t get these demons out of my head.
It isn’t just that one person. There are a few that treated me like I was nothing, useless, garbage. The things humans do and say to one another are what hurt the most. What I can’t forgive are the ones that pretend to understand and act nice but secretly have ulterior motives. I am a human being. I am not a marketing tool, punching bag, ego booster, or doormat. I feel things deeper and for a longer period of time than other people.
I an often used as a sounding board for some people. It doesn’t happen as much as it used to and now it’s mostly my sister. Pretty much the only time she talks to me. Personally I think she knows she won’t get much of an argument from me. My stutter prevents this and I don’t want her to stop calling me. I pretty much go along with what she says while in my head I am saying what I really want to say.
I find this behavior pathetic on my part. She’s a right fighter and there is no use in arguing.
Her husband has been sober for about 8 months now. She thought he asked her out on a date to a concert. It turns out his sponsor is going and he’s been asked to lead the AA meeting backstage. It’s a closed meeting. He’s also flying out to L.A. to spend time with a somewhat newly sober singer to talk and go to some meetings there. My sister isn’t happy. She can’t understand why he has to do these things. Why can’t they be a normal family? Why can’t they have alone time? Blah blah blah.
I’ll tell you why. He was close to making it in the music business. He’s incredibly social. He was bullied to the extreme in his childhood and had other things happen. He also had problems with food as did my sister. He has a need to fit in and be recognized. He’s only been sober 8 months. Alcoholism is a selfish disease. We do not think about other people while we are drinking or when we are first getting sober. All I ever saw was my own pain and guilt.
My sister has always looked at how everything would effect her. She’ll try for a little while but it never lasts long. Even when it comes to me. As soon as I was out of the hospital it was right back to not hearing from her. I know I’m needy but the doctor even said to her “you don’t know how close you came to not having your sister anymore”. It didn’t change anything. So I pretend to sympathise with her when I want to scream. I want to tell her “you have a husband that loves you, 2 beautiful children, a house, your health and friends, why are you complaining?” But I don’t. She would hang up and I wouldn’t be able to see the kids. So I keep pretending.
I had a wonderful day yesterday with my sister and nephews. We went to the RISD museum. I hadn’t been before but they had many times. My nephews are so great. One is 7 the other is 5. They know not to touch anything or even put their hands on the glass. I was so impressed. You don’t even have to tell them. My sister took 2 beautiful pictures of me with my nephews. There are not a lot of photos of me. I loved these with me and my boys. I really did.
Well I accidentally erased them. I’m heartbroken. I’ve been so sick lately and the first day I feel well to do something with family and get it on film I erase it.
The people I know that are supposed to be my “friends” I let know through Facebook because it’s easier and they all have busy lives and some are family in different states that I was seeing the Nephrologist, Hematologist/Oncologist, and then going back to the Urologist to schedule a biopsy. I received absolutely NO RESPONSE from anyone. Not aunts, uncles, my brother, cousins, nothing. No one gives a crap. My father and sister do and I’m grateful for that. But they have a lot going on themselves, I don’t want to be a burden. I would talk to my best friend but I’m having trouble with that because of the following.
At my best friend’s 4th of July party I learned her other friend was supposed to drop over with her boyfriend. It’s a good thing she didn’t. Her boyfriend happens to be the man I use to drink with for 7 years until he beat me up one night to the point I was choking on my own blood and couldn’t breathe. After that he threw me down a flight of stairs, there were about 20 of them.
I was hurt and appalled that my friend was going to allow him in her house or on her property. I asked her about it and she said ” he’s her boyfriend what am I supposed to do?”. She has been friends with this other girl since they were little but not like we are friends. I asked her if her boyfriend was ok with it because he’s protective of me and knew the situation. “He’s not ok with it but there isn’t anything he can do either, he won’t go out of his way to be friendly but he won’t be mean”. Way to go guys! Thanks for having my back!
It’s a good possibility the Conversion Disorder diagnosis comes from that incident. I startle easily, specifically with loud men, I’m worse when aggressive men are around me, when my father is upset it effects me, if my father knocks too loudly on the door of the bathroom while I’m in it, I start crying and stuttering. I wasn’t like this before. A few weeks ago my dad was joking around and came in from the kitchen and threw a potholder towards me. I jumped so high and started shaking it was ridiculous. My poor dad had tears in eyes. He used to joke like that all the time no problem. I used to laugh and throw it back. Now there’s no laughter.
A true diagnosis of Conversion Disorder is kind of rare. You have to meet certain criteria to be correctly diagnosed. Unfortunately too many doctors will diagnose a patient with Conversion Disorder when they just don’t know what’s going on. I’ll be doing a post on the subject soon with more information.
When I get angry I have to leave the situation. My anger mostly comes out in tears and stuttering these days. Once in awhile I can feel it bubbling into something else. Like right now. It’s been a bad day and to read about kids cutting themselves over a member of One Direction is too much for me today. I want to tell them “I’ll give you something real to cut over idiots” and you should all have a lobotomy. But that would be mean and wrong. But if that’s the only thing that is getting you down count yourself lucky. It is so frustrating to try to identify with this kind of behavior but it’s common. I think about my depression and what happened today and I want to disappear. What makes me different from them? I want to say a lot but everyone has a right to their feelings. I’m kind of tired of the political correctness of it all. It sickens me. Makes me tired. So I am done today.