HALLOWEEN AND RECENT EVENTS BRING BACK UNWANTED MEMORIES

Halloween is hard for me because I love it so much. I love the smell in the air, the leaves on the ground, and Horror movies. I do have a difficult time with Haunted Attractions and I always have. I can watch Faces of Death with no problem but get me within 50 feet of a Haunted Hayride and I will start to sweat and feel sick.

Halloween also reminds me of drinking. It reminds me of when I would try to put a costume together but because I was 270 pounds everything they sold made me look bigger. I couldn’t be a “Sexy Cop”, “Sexy Devil” or “Sexy” anything. I would just end up wearing extra make-up, some hair extensions, and maybe my top would be a little more revealing. Even though I was 270 pounds I had a waist, good legs, and large breasts. I was 5′ 7 1/2″ at the time also so people told me I “carried it well” whatever that’s supposed to mean. It never stopped anyone from being cruel but as I grew into my early twenties I learned how to carry myself a little better.

This is leading to what’s been in the news lately.

For the majority of my life when I walked anywhere I looked at the ground. I tried to never make eye contact and hid my face with my hair. If I was public by myself I shuffled along hoping I was invisible. I wore oversized shirts that usually went to my mid thigh or knees. This only made me look bigger and sad. I never said boo to anyone. I never argued with anyone even if I knew I was right. I never defended myself to anyone not even my family.

Does anyone know what this made me? Care to guess? The answer is a perfect victim.

Even in the animal world when a predator looks for prey it doesn’t go after the one that will give it the most fight, it goes for the weakest in the group or the one that has fallen behind, alone.

Predators instinctively sense a lack of self confidence just by the way a person walks. If a person lacks a flowing motion or organized movement while walking they’re viewed as being less self confident. They also assess posture and how aware the person is of their environment. This was proven by researchers Grayson and Stein when they asked convicted criminals to view a video of pedestrians walking down a busy New York City street, unaware they were being taped. The convicts crimes ranged from armed robbery, rape, and murder. They were asked separately to identify who they would’ve chosen as targets.

They all chose the same people. What was surprising was that they didn’t choose people who appeared physically weaker. The researchers wanted to know why. They studied the tapes and the people chosen. All of them had similar body language but were of different race, gender and age. There was no mistake that all of them watched the ground as they walked, seemed unsure of themselves, and were distracted.

Another problem the researchers found is that most people have trouble interpreting nonverbal facial cues. If you can’t tell what a person is thinking by their facial expression you are more likely to enter or stay in a situation that could be dangerous.

We all know that predators are good at hiding their true nature and making a person feel “special” at first. It isn’t easy to identify what they’re thinking when they’re wearing a mask and not showing their true selves. They are also excellent liars and can easily talk their way out of most situations.

They pick people they know will have a hard time saying anything against them. A girl with a history of alcoholism, someone who is already perceived as “unstable” by others, a shy young woman with a “pure” reputation who has parents in the same business. I think you can see where this going. The first one is me.

Unfortunately when my situation came to it’s final bloody conclusion he was right. No one really believed me. My own parent’s doubted me. In that one instant all I wanted was for 1 person to show anger or indignation on my behalf. My father at first told him to “Get the Hell out of his house” then after J “explained” everything my Dad said “Thanks” and closed the door. The entire time I was on the floor, covered in blood, trying to say that J was lying, but my face was too swollen and I was having trouble breathing. I finally passed out. They didn’t take me to a Hospital. Even though I had a heavy oak chair broken over my head and had lost consciousness more than once. They didn’t want the police involved.

It took a month for everything to heal physically and mentally I don’t think I’ll ever heal. It wasn’t just what he did it was what my family did also. They blamed me for being there, for drinking, for putting myself in that position. It was years later that they found out I was telling the truth. Still no one wanted to talk about it. No one wanted to think about how it must have felt for me to be pinned on that dirty floor, unable to move, drowning in my own blood. All I could think of in that moment was “I’m sorry I did this to them”. Even I blamed myself. I don’t anymore.

Now for happier things. Because I am a Horror Movie fan I’m going to be making a list of my favorites. Some you may have heard of and some are not as well known. At one time I had a collection that would’ve rivaled the best but had to sell it when I could no longer work. So I’m working on it now but as some may know I’m not good at making decisions. lol

35

 

 

Advertisements

Authority, Incarceration, Brutality and Celebrity

I am a Sober Bipolar Woman who happens to love movies. I also happen to have been arrested on several occasions in my drinking days. I was in my 20’s. I am also Caucasian. I live in a town where there are few African American families. There are not many in the surrounding towns either.

I have in my lifetime known quite a few men that have been in prison for long periods of time. They were all white. Their crimes were usually B & E or drug related. Some said it was illegal fishing but I fell for that only so many times.

I can honestly say that I have not met a police officer that I have found helpful or one that diffused a situation I was in. I was taught to respect an Officer of The Law no matter what and do what they tell you. My mother also said never run because it makes you look guilty. It was hard to stick to what I was told growing up.

I was always taken in for Drunken Disorderly. This happened in several towns. I can honestly tell you that each time the officers thought it was a joke, would watch me urinate, and leave me with nothing to cover myself or toilet paper. I was always dressed up to go out so they would leave me in my tank top and jeans and that was it. Then they would laugh. When I was beaten by one man the same officers did nothing except laugh again. They knew his father.

When my older brother was younger he was arrested all the time. He was 16 but looked 30. He stuck out in a crowd. He was 6’3″ and 220 pounds. When the police would break up a party who do you think they saw first? Who do you think ran first? My brother with the high IQ was always the first to run and the first to get caught. He had a court ordered curfew that a few on the local force would make him late for on purpose. Jaywalking was their favorite. He was hated by them. They would say his name like Seinfeld would say Newman. When he first got back from the Army and they found out, he was stopped and handcuffed because he looked like a “robbery suspect” they were in pursuit of. He was in uniform. His wife and newborn baby in the car with him. I admit a lot of it he brought on himself but some was over the line.

The point I’m trying to make is that not all people in a position of power are GOOD PEOPLE. Just because you passed the exam and you now have a badge doesn’t mean you are a good person doing the right thing. It isn’t an automatic and just doesn’t happen with different races, it happens with different economic classes also. Sometimes people abuse their power BECAUSE THEY CAN. So who has done more for me in the long run?

Now Quentin Tarantino has spoken out about Brutality involving some Police Forces. Not all. I heard him say it originally. Only the guilty, not ALL Officers of the Law. But Politicians and the Media would like to make a big deal out of it instead of looking in their own backyards and cleaning up the shit that’s there already. What does boycotting a movie do? Nothing. He’s still going to get paid and the movie is still going to be genius as always because he’s Quentin Tarantino.

Why do I write about this? One time when I quit drinking I did one thing. I watched movies. I watched so many movies they offered me a job. A job that lasted 13 years where I managed 2 stores at the same time for awhile. A job where I could watch all the movies I wanted and escape the pain of my life. Movies helped me with my Alcoholism, the death of my mother, and any other hard time I had. Without that escapism I wouldn’t be here. But I am not stupid. I do not let Hollywood influence my political or legal decisions.

I have not had any run ins with the law in many years. But if I have to drive by a place where I was incarcerated for the night it makes me feel sick and relieved at the same time. Relieved because I no longer live that life. Sick because I once did and it’s very easy to fall backwards.