The Sound Of Silence And Reaching Out

One of the first songs I ever heard that for some reason I found myself relating to was Metallica’s “The Unforgiven”. The lyrics touched something in me that at the time I couldn’t describe. I was drinking daily at that time in my life to make myself feel numb to the pain inside and to act normal on the outside. The chorus itself struck me pretty hard.

“What I’ve felt, what I’ve known, never shined through in what I’ve shown. Never Be. Never See. Won’t see what might have been”

Other parts of the song resonated with me also. This will just be random lines from the song that have meaning to me.

“Through constant pained disgrace, the young boy learns their rules. With time the child draws in. Deprived of all his thoughts, the young man struggles on and on he’s known.”

“He tries to please them all. This bitter man he is. Throughout his life the same. He’s battled constantly, this fight he cannot win, a tired man they see no longer cares”

When I was younger I never showed anyone who I was. I tried to never stand out in any way. I was a mediocre student who hid in the back of every class. While drinking I wasn’t the “real” me either. I could’ve done more with my life if it had been possible.

Today I left a message for myempathyblindness best friend telling her I loved her and not to worry, I also said she didn’t have to call me back. I also left a message for my sister saying the same.

My best friend called me back and her first words were “I’m worried. I don’t like how you sounded in your message. What’s going on?”. I didn’t lie this time. I told her that mentally and physically I am not doing well and I’m afraid. She’s known me for 30 years and has seen me after I have tried to hurt myself several times. So even though we don’t talk all the time she has seen first hand more than anyone what I’ve been through. She has been the only one at times to show any empathy or compassion at all. Sometimes I don’t know how she managed to stay with me for so long. I know we had a lot of fun times but the bad times where I scared her would have been enough to drive anyone away.

My sister didn’t respond at all.