Too Much Everything

It isn’t easy when you are too much of everything or feel too much. It is the most difficult part of Bipolar for me. What makes it worse is when you can’t say or do anything about how you feel or what you observe.

I’M TOO QUIET: At times I’m ridiculed for being quiet and shy. I listen to what’s being said around me. I suppose some people would call it eavesdropping but it was never done in a malicious way. I would simply zone out and pick up on conversations.

I’M TOO LOUD: At times I was told to take it down a notch because I would talk too loud and fast. There were people who thought it was funny when I talked loud and fast because they assumed it was due to my caffeine level. Other people became annoyed.

I’M TOO SENSITIVE: I am sensitive in every way. I admit this. I’m sensitive to how other people are feeling, the energy in a room when I enter, a person’s emotions when I’m in the same room with them, and the eyes really are the window to a person’s soul. I’m a sponge that soaks up every positive/negative energy around them while trying to deal with my own feelings.

I’M TOO EMPATHETIC: When I see a person talk about an issue important to me that’s also important to them and that person breaks down I break down. If I see someone in a home video on Instagram and I know they’re not themselves I get a sick feeling in my stomach. The hardest part is being unable to say or do anything about it. If I comment I look like a “crazy” fan or like

I want something. The fact is I worry too much.

I WORRY TOO MUCH: I worry all the time. It’s a horrible feeling. You always feel disaster is just around the corner. In my own personal life a lot of the time it has been.

I can and do see when a person is heading towards a depressive episode or they’re in a bad place. I may not always be aware of it in myself but in others I’m pretty spot on.

My twin sister doesn’t give me credit for much but for this she has been amazed at how I pick up on things. At one time she accused me of somehow reading her text messages or her husband’s. They always have their phones on them and I NEVER SEE THEM IN PERSON ENOUGH! I asked her when she thought I could’ve possibly had access to either of their phones? Her husband’s is always physically on him and I never get that close to him! lol

After it happened a few times she admitted that I was intuitive about certain issues. Which is true it does only apply to specific areas. My guess is because I deal with these things myself. I don’t always know when I’m Manic or in a dangerously deep depression. There have been times when I’ve been triggered, setting off the Conversion Disorder, that I only remember pieces of. This scares me more than anything. Being completely out of control of not only your mind but your body too is frightening. When it’s a small trigger I know I’ll stutter a bit and it will pass. When it’s a big trigger I might not be aware of, all bets are off. It’s embarrassing, shame inducing, confusing, exhausting, scary, and sometimes I don’t know the trigger.

I have “too much” areas that aren’t necessarily a negative. I’m too kind, I’m too loyal, I’m too curious, there are many more I just can’t think of them right now.

I’m not saying I’m a Prophet, Psychic, or anything similar, we all have the ability to be more aware of facial expressions, mannerisms, tone of voice, change in behavior, a person’s eyes, we just don’t tap into that part of out brains. When we don’t we miss a lot that could potentially save lives.

The Sound Of Silence And Reaching Out

One of the first songs I ever heard that for some reason I found myself relating to was Metallica’s “The Unforgiven”. The lyrics touched something in me that at the time I couldn’t describe. I was drinking daily at that time in my life to make myself feel numb to the pain inside and to act normal on the outside. The chorus itself struck me pretty hard.

“What I’ve felt, what I’ve known, never shined through in what I’ve shown. Never Be. Never See. Won’t see what might have been”

Other parts of the song resonated with me also. This will just be random lines from the song that have meaning to me.

“Through constant pained disgrace, the young boy learns their rules. With time the child draws in. Deprived of all his thoughts, the young man struggles on and on he’s known.”

“He tries to please them all. This bitter man he is. Throughout his life the same. He’s battled constantly, this fight he cannot win, a tired man they see no longer cares”

When I was younger I never showed anyone who I was. I tried to never stand out in any way. I was a mediocre student who hid in the back of every class. While drinking I wasn’t the “real” me either. I could’ve done more with my life if it had been possible.

Today I left a message for myempathyblindness best friend telling her I loved her and not to worry, I also said she didn’t have to call me back. I also left a message for my sister saying the same.

My best friend called me back and her first words were “I’m worried. I don’t like how you sounded in your message. What’s going on?”. I didn’t lie this time. I told her that mentally and physically I am not doing well and I’m afraid. She’s known me for 30 years and has seen me after I have tried to hurt myself several times. So even though we don’t talk all the time she has seen first hand more than anyone what I’ve been through. She has been the only one at times to show any empathy or compassion at all. Sometimes I don’t know how she managed to stay with me for so long. I know we had a lot of fun times but the bad times where I scared her would have been enough to drive anyone away.

My sister didn’t respond at all.