Just Another Thursday Breakdown

I am at my worst in the morning. I cry, I’m irritable, over sensitive, and have trouble talking. I had sent my sister a text the night before telling her I bought color for her hair thinking we had plans the next day and she would text me back. She didn’t. When I woke up there was still no text. So in my head I was thinking “I guess she doesn’t want me to come over”. So of course I start crying. Then I get mad and call her. Of course she doesn’t answer.

She does call me back a half hour later. When I answer she can tell I’m upset. She says right away “Jesus Christ I’m not going to talk to you when you’re like this”. So I asked her if she got my text. She said yes and that she was waiting for me to call her when I got up. Why didn’t she just respond to my text? Why didn’t she just say come over when you get up? She said she thought the plan was for me to call her. So we’re arguing. She says I always have to make everything harder than it has to be.

I asked her if I was still coming over. She replied “Come over or don’t, I don’t care”. I hung up.

I know I’m too sensitive. What I wanted her to say was “I want you to come over”. Not “I don’t care”. Is this too much to ask? I talk to 3 people. My dad, my sister, and an old friend from middle school who constantly asks me for Adderall or money. I just want to know that my sister loves me and wants to be around me. She never says or does anything to express this.

These are things I DON’T want said to me:

1. Why do you have to be so dramatic all the time?

2. I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.

3. Shouldn’t you be better by now?

4. You’re making everyone around you depressed.

5. You’re snowballing.

These are things I want people to KNOW:

1. Not every Bipolar person has the same symptoms so don’t compare me.

2. I can’t just “calm down”.

3. Stop asking if I took my meds. They’re not really working right because of my kidneys anyways.

4. I hate apologizing all the time, but feel I have to.

5. I’m tired and confused all the time and just want to know my family loves me.

6. Medication doesn’t fix everything.

7. I’m trying.

I feel over the last few days that I am a burden to everyone. That my family finds me annoying and a hindrance. For some reason I’ve been thinking about my mom a lot. Not to mention my dog. It doesn’t help that the parrot mimics his name. I here him call out “Pookie” the way my dad called for him a few times a day. The parrot also makes breathing noises like my mom. She was on oxygen and the parrot imitates her breathing and the machine. I doubt any of this is good for me or my dad.