ANESTHESIA WE WILL PLEASE YA

I have anesthesia often, it isn’t good for my brain or my heart, but I enjoy it. If possible I would stay under forever. The Doctors worry that I eventually will. I have thought of making this happen on my own but I can’t leave my Dad.

When I’m under it’s the same each time.

The sun is shining. It’s warm and breezy. I see butterflies, ladybugs, and four leaf clovers.

I see my beautiful dogs I’ve lost over the years running and playing with each other.

I see her standing there with her arms held out waiting for me.

I go to her and she hugs me tight. She whispers in my ear “My beautiful baby girl, I love you so much!” and I smell her perfume. She’s laughing and happy and I’m happy because I get to be with my Mom. The person who always listened and gave hugs.

If I wake up it all goes away. I feel empty, like something has been ripped out of me.

The Hospital I have my surgeries at knows I will wake up crying, asking for my mom and confused. Some of the staff handle it well and others not so much. Some get frustrated with me and there is no compassion. On those occasions it makes it all much worse. I wish they knew that.

It’s hard enough knowing that you have to have surgery every 4 to 5 months because you have Chronic Kidney Disease and the one kidney you have left is getting worse. They don’t have to make it more difficult by treating me like I’m invisible or a basket case.

Anyway, I got a long text from my sister last night saying she missed me and how she wanted to talk to me. Then at the end she asked if I had any pain pills.

She called this morning to “chat” and I was waiting to see how long she would put up with me. She said “So did you find anything for me? Dad is coming over to see the boys. I thought you could give it to him to bring.” I was pissed. She hasn’t talked to our Dad in 5 months. All of sudden he’s invited over, she’s acting nice to me, because she thinks I have pain pills.

I let her think that. She got nothing. She never will from me again.

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ROUND AND ROUND

My brain works as if it’s on Hamster Wheel and there is no stopping the thought pattern. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember. There are days when I can’t let go of something from the past.

It can be something that was said or something that happened. I will go over it a thousand times. Sometimes I think of things I could’ve said or done differently. There’s so much in the past that I can’t let go of. Some of the events are small and some would be enough to break any normal person. I sometimes wonder how I’m still here. I wonder why I’m still here.

I’m a big fan of the Marvel franchise. My favorite is The Punisher and I wonder what that says about me. I do carry a lot of anger inside that I’m only now realizing.

I’ll probably have people worried after they read what I just wrote. If it was 15 years ago I would say they should be worried. But right now going up my front steps (there are 4 of them) makes my legs shake and I get dizzy. I’ve lost all of my muscle mass and can’t even lift a gallon of milk. I’m literally half the person I used to be.

My Dad has the TV on the news stations all day long. It isn’t the best thing for me but I don’t say anything because it calms him down.

All of the sexual harassment stories bother me. I have to be careful what I read on Social Media.

There’s a misconception that only attractive women or young girls are sexually harassed/assaulted. If one comes forward that doesn’t fit this criteria she isn’t believed and is crucified on Social Media. It makes me sick.

Most of my life was spent at 200 pounds or more. People always told me I had a “pretty face”, “beautiful eyes”, “beautiful skin”, “good teeth”, “great legs”, of course all of this ended with “For a fat person” or “For someone your size.”

When I went out I obsessed over what I wore, my make up, and my hair, because if I couldn’t lose the weight then I focused the attention to the positive areas. I also was a 38DD but I had a waist and carried my weight in the front and back. So I was curvy but still considered morbidly obese by Doctors.

I tell you this so you understand that sexual harassment/assault doesn’t really have to do with how a person looks. I had no self esteem, I was insecure and shy, I wanted everyone to like me. I was a prime target. It didn’t help that I was drunk all the time.

There was an incident on a tour bus where I was talking to someone for about an hour. I got up to use the bathroom and when I was coming out someone was blocking my way. He only had his bikini underwear on. I smelled booze, body odor, and something I couldn’t name. I knew who he was, I just didn’t care. I was in a cocky mood. I asked him to move nicely the first time. He pushed his hips towards me and tried to kiss me. I was disgusted because I could see crusted blood where he had been shooting up on one arm.

I pushed him as hard as I could and said “What the F*CK?!.” One of the other guys came to see what was going on. He of course called me a “Fat c*nt” and told them to get me off the bus. I was already halfway gone.

I’ve never done anything with any of the musicians I’ve met. It’s a rule I always had. It ruins how you view their music and I wasn’t a groupie. I’ve had similar encounters with other band members and men I’ve worked with. Sometimes I think they think they’re doing the “poor fat girl a favor” or something. Needless to say I did fine on my own and that’s one of the reasons I’ve been celibate for 9 years. I did too fine on my own to make up for the emptiness I felt, or the sadness, or to prove my worth.

Now that I feel better about myself I don’t leave the house. lol

I have too much going round and round my head.

I also just told the story I said I wasn’t going to tell. Oh well. He’ll get over it.anxiety_symptoms_management-1296x728-header

 


You Stopped Trying Goes Both Ways

I am told often to “Stop living in the past”. Why people assume that I can click these emotions and memories on and off whenever I want I don’t know. The truth is I can’t.

I’m told by my Dad and my twin sister that I’m trying. There must be something more I can do. My one friend has said this also but she understands a lot more than my family. Maybe because she was there for most of it or because when I drank I didn’t hide anything.

I do feel an extreme amount of guilt and grief. The death of my Mom was harder on me than anyone knew. No one understands what I had to see and do when she died. They don’t understand what it was like in the years before her death. They don’t know what I was going through because I never said anything.

I always joked that my twin stole my backbone in the womb. She’s always had twice the backbone while I had none. I had liquid courage. That doesn’t really count.

My entire life I’ve felt invisible, mute, or ignored. I would try to say something and people would talk over me. I have a quiet voice almost like a child.

One employer told me that I should practice changing my voice if I wanted to be taken more seriously. It was a woman who said this. How do you change your voice at 30?

A few years into my alcoholism anyone around me when I was drinking knew when to take me seriously. I admit I liked it for a little while. In the end I didn’t want to be that person and it only caused me great pain.

In the present I have no joy, no pain, nothing. I don’t have friends to talk to or family to talk to. I probably live in the past because it’s when I had the most joy and pain.

It only takes a song, a scent, or a story on the news to trigger the past then I’m snowballing all the emotions at once. It isn’t exactly fun.

When I do go out in public I find myself talking too much and too loud to strangers. I’m over stimulated by the lights and sounds. I feel foolish after and stay home for longer periods of time.

No one takes me seriously either.

My dad had 20 of his birds killed by a weasel recently and was upset. I looked up everything I could about weasels and wrote down what was important. It took a few hours and 3 pages. I tried to show my Dad but he wouldn’t read it. I tried to tell him some of the important things like when he sets the trap he can’t handle it with his bare hands. He brushed me off.

This morning 5 more birds were killed and nothing was in the trap. I asked him if he wore gloves when he handled the trap. He said “No”. I told him he was supposed to and he then became angry at me.

My twin is upset because she has PED related to Chronic Fatigue so I researched all the new information on it, wrote it up and sent it to her in an e-mail. She never responded. I forgot to mention that she asked me to do this.

I don’t want to bother anymore. I want to disappear and see how long it takes for them to wonder where I am or care.

My sister also said she’s glad we were separated in kindergarten because she never wanted to be a twin. She said I have separation anxiety when it comes to her and she can’t handle it. I never asked her to. I only wanted her to be my sister and love me. She said I watch too many movies.

I wish it had been her at the Hospital that night watching our Mother die. Bubbles of blood coming out of her mouth as her empty beautiful blue eyes stared at the ceiling. The nurses laughing and drinking coffee, my father falling to the floor making a noise not quite human more of howl. I couldn’t move in that moment. I stood there recording the scene in my brain to be processed later. Only I’ve never really processed it.

Comments at the wake made to me were “You’re taking this well”. I was. Because to me it didn’t happen. I had to take care of my Dad, make sure my brother wasn’t too wasted, and my sister was over medicated with an infant. What was I supposed to do? The last funeral with my brother at it ended with the casket tipped over and him punching my Dad in the face. My Mom kept everything together.

Right now I can barely make myself a bowl of cereal.

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UNDONE~ WHAT TOO MANY OF US DON’T KNOW

I recently wanted to find statistics on missing women in the U.S. for 2016. I had watched Wind River and was disturbed that there are no statistics kept on Native American Women.

I couldn’t find anything. What I did find angered me.

Each year the FBI releases a report tracking crime statistics in the U.S. The first report under the Trump administration has 70% fewer data tables than 2015.

Some of the missing data concerns information on arrests, circumstances on homicides (relationships between victims and perpetrators) and the only national estimate of annual gang murders.

Statistics on age, sex, race or ethnicity are no longer part of the report. I find all of this scary.

WHAT TRUMP HAS UNDONE WHILE IN OFFICE

  • Reversed a rule that would mandate oil and gas companies report payments to foreign governments. The Securities and Exchange Commission will no longer receive this information either.
  • Repealed a bill that mandated employers maintain records of workplace injuries.
  • Removed information about worker injuries from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration Website.
  • Killed a rule mandating that government contractors disclose past violations of labor laws.
  • Reversed an interpretation of the Civil Rights Act that provided protection to transgender workers.
  • Revoked an executive order that mandated compliance by contractors with laws protecting women in the workplace. (Before 2014 a report found companies with federal contracts had numerous violations of labor and civil rights laws)
  • Reversed a policy instituted by the Obama administration to expand punishment for College Campus sexual assaults.
  • Withdrew federal protections for transgender students in schools.
  • Cancelled a rule mandating that financial advisors act in the best interests of their clients.
  • Cancelled the phase out of private prisons even with evidence of abuse and neglect of prisoners, specifically mentally ill inmates.
  • Reversed an Obama ban on drilling for oil in the Arctic.
  • Withdrew from the Paris climate agreement.
  • Rescinded a limit on the number of sea animals that can be trapped or killed in fishing nets.
  • Ended a rule banning dumping waste from mining into streams.
  • Reversed a rule banning hunting bears and wolves. (The ban applied to federal refuges in Alaska and prohibited using specific hunting methods)
  • Ended a State Department Office that oversaw international sanctions.
  • Stopped funding some UN relief efforts and instead backed efforts by faith based groups and private organizations.
  • Repealed a rule mandating that Internet service providers seek permission before selling personal information.

I don’t know about anyone else but too much of this makes me question so much my head hurts. How can any women still support this person? How can any human being with a moral compass support this person? Or is it me?

The real voyage ofdiscovery consists not inseeking new landscapes, butin having new eyes.


USELESS

Everyone says to reach out when you’re feeling like the depression is getting to be too much. What if you reach out to 5 different people and get nothing but silence in return?

You feel useless and humiliated. I know I can be difficult to be around I over compensate by talking about movies and current events so I don’t talk about myself. Then I get in trouble because I didn’t ask the other person any questions about how they are doing.

I can’t keep all the social norms straight, keep my mask from slipping. It’s hard work.

I talked to Disability recently to see if I was up for Review and the woman laughed. She said “No Doctor will ever clear you to work again with your recent diagnoses”. THANKS! I didn’t think it was amusing I just felt even more useless.

Now our lovely President is all over the TV spewing on and on about Mental Health while my neighbors are probably forming a watch to make sure I don’t have any weapons to hurt them and their loved ones. I live in a small town, a police officer lives a few streets over, he likes to tell everyone my business.

When I had to call 911 for my Dad because he was bleeding out on the bathroom floor the EMT was worried about me because I was shaking and stuttering. The police officer who lives near me HAD to be there. He said “Don’t worry about her, she’s just crazy”. I wanted to show him just how crazy I can be by punching him in the face with his own nightstick but I didn’t think it would go over so well.

Yes, I have had run ins with the law in the past when I was drinking. I was never disrespectful. My mother said it makes you look guilty if you run or act like a jerk. There were times where they deserved to be disrespected but I kept it all to myself. Even when two officers made me sleep in a cell with just a silk see through tank top and my underwear on. They also put the AC on high so I would freeze. It was common knowledge that they did this to many women. At the time I thought I deserved it.

I think I deserve many things but not to be treated like a non-human.

I’m cranky, sad, lonely, tired, bored, I just don’t know anymore. I have no motivation. I stay in my pajamas all the time. I don’t brush my hair or teeth for that matter. I just don’t care. No one else does either. I’m beginning to not care that no one cares. I want to swear at everyone too. Not like me at all.


WHEN I CAN’T SAY IT MYSELF

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This is how it should be but often times it isn’t. It’s one of the most painful things to reach out to the people who love you only to be ignored. I called 5 people yesterday because I knew something wasn’t right. I felt dizzy and was having trouble remembering words. When I did try to talk it was nonsense and stuttering. My thoughts jumped all over the place and at one point I think I was talking to my Mom.

Not one of those 5 people called me back. One of them of course was my twin sister. I am tired. It’s the same thing every single day. There is no happiness. I can’t even fake it anymore. This just angers the people around me.


DIAGNOSES~ MAKING PUZZLE PIECES FIT

Time has always been fuzzy for me. I’m never really sure when I was first diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder or the exact date I stopped drinking. I do know my Mom passed away in 2008 and after that I spiraled faster and faster towards self-destruction.

It didn’t take long before I had a DUI, my one best friend feared for my safety, and although I’d done worse this was different.

In less than 6 months my Primary Care Doctor suggested I see a Psychiatrist. She had been prescribing me antidepressants but thought something else was going on.

I was drinking almost the entire time I was taking antidepressants. I gave them a month and when nothing changed I couldn’t handle it. Alcohol was mostly a stimulant for me.

The Psychiatrist looked at my file and asked me a few questions. He diagnosed me as Bipolar I and we started trying different combos.

WHAT SHOULD’VE BEEN DONE

  • I was never given a Mental Status Exam.
  • I was never given a Neurologic Exam.
  • I was never given a CT, MRI, or EEG.
  • A full family history was never taken.

The biggest thing that should’ve been done is a family history.

I would always tell every Doctor I met with that my family has a history of mental illness. None of them wanted details.

Even the psychiatrist I have now has never asked for a detailed family history. He should have. It’s possible he has a few things wrong.

MY FAMILY HISTORY

I love most of my family very much but some of them I could do without. I don’t know my father’s side very well. They’re like him, not sociable or outgoing. They don’t show emotions or give hugs.

My Mom’s side is the opposite. They’re loud, affectionate, emotional, and all have some kind of issue.

There were 8 children total on my Mom’s side, one was given up for adoption before the others were born.

My Grandmother was never diagnosed with anything but I can give examples of behavior that point to something. She did drink occasionally. When she did she was like a sailor, playing cards and knife games. She could be cruel, deliberately pitting one child against another for her affection. She left them for awhile when they were all very young. My Mom quit school very early to help take care of her brothers and sisters.

Like many mothers, her sons were her favorites unless they were damaged. My Uncle Jimmy was in a car accident which left him in a coma for a short time. When he woke up he was different. It didn’t help that some friends slipped LSD into his drink in too large of a quantity. He became a different person and was left for the State to deal with. Drug induced Schizophrenia that became worse over the years with hallucinations. He was homeless and used Heroin to self medicate. He passed away from complications of pneumonia AIDS related.

My Aunt D was diagnosed as Paranoid Schizophrenic at a young age also. She had just had a baby. She left the baby with my Mom and was Institutionalized. She has been in and out of places for as long as I can remember. She was recently in the Hospital for Lithium toxicity. Her daughter disappeared a few years ago. She started hearing things and believing people were following her. She was living in a tent in the woods somewhere in Florida. No one has heard from her in 3 years.

My Uncle B is an alcoholic and as far as I know that’s it. His daughter has recently had problems with her mental health. I haven’t been told what the diagnosis is. I was told some of the situations she had been in and they sounded familiar. His son is an alcoholic.

My Auntie J is an alcoholic in remission for a few years now. I’m sure there are other things going on but I don’t ask. Her daughters have both had issues with alcohol.

My Mom had a virus while pregnant with my sister and I, women infected with the influenza virus during their pregnancy are more likely to give birth to children who will develop Schizophrenia.

My older brother is an alcoholic and addicted to gambling. I’m told he was polite and quiet as a child. I remember him always getting into fights at school and eventually he was expelled. He’s done many things that rational people don’t do. He was stationed in Germany while in the Army and decided one day he hated it and hopped on a plane and came home. He caused a 2 hour car chase in the middle of the night going the wrong way on a highway. He was married with children at this point. He’s impulsive, too smart, can’t hold a job and it’s never his fault. Both of his daughters are drug addicts. One has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD. The other I don’t know about because no one talks to me about her. 

The brains of Schizophrenics also contain larger fluid filled areas than other people. I happen to have this in one area of my brain.

There’s also the problem of reduced brain volume (Gray Matter) which on my last scan 10 years ago it said “significant loss of gray matter for patient’s age”. There was also loss of white matter which is connected also.

SCHIZOAFFECTIVE DISORDER

Schizoaffective Disorder is a hybrid of Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder. There is a chemical imbalance in the brain. There are usually different types of the disorder.

Similar to Bipolar Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder can have a Manic Type and a Depressive Type.

Manic Type: Elevation of mood, not sleeping much, concentration is affected, talking too fast, unrealistic ideas. In later stages speech can be incomprehensible. You become irritable and neglect your health.

Depressive Type: Sad all the time, lose interest in what you once loved, loss of motivation/energy, taking care of your personal appearance or hygiene. Irrational anger or fearful response to loved ones. Increasing withdrawal from society.

There is a third type mentioned where you have both. It’s considered Bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder. This doesn’t make sense to me but what do I know?

For some reason more women than men are affected and with women it’s usually the Depressive Type.

Early onset or having a family member with Schizophrenia usually leads to a poor prognosis.

Now I wonder if Doctors have it wrong once again. Looking at my history and seeing that Schizophrenia shows up often and I had a virus in my brain while my mother was still pregnant with me, it would make more sense. I don’t think I’ve heard voices. I have had a hallucination or two brought on by medications, alcohol and I think nearly dying when my kidneys failed. Do those count?

What I know is that I’m not getting better. I’m going backwards. I was better a few years ago.

Now, I don’t leave the house, no one talks to me, I’m isolated, I do get crazy ideas but it’s ok because I’m too afraid to act on them. I want to get dressed up and go to a concert but I can’t. I want to fly to Vegas, L.A., N.Y., but I can’t. It would mean leaving the house. Expending energy to pack and do my hair and make up. Judas Priest is coming to the Casino and I usually go. I’ve never been as a thin person. I could wear whatever I want. Even that isn’t enough to get me going. The lead singer for Buckcherry is coming to Providence and I love him. He’s a mash up of Denis Leary and Steven Tyler. It’s a small place and the tickets would be free. Guess what? I don’t feel like it.

RIDICULOUS!schizophrenia-5-638


WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS OF ADDICTION

No one wants to be an addict or an alcoholic. There’s always an underlying reason for the choice we make to keep using or drinking. I had several reasons. They are in no way excuses but explanations.

Lately there have been an overwhelming amount of people coming forward to tell their stories of sexual harassment, assault, rape, and physical abuse by people that are either famous or somewhat known. This is a good start.

There’s an element to one of these cases that isn’t discussed.

The fact that the two people involved were addicts in a relationship.

I’m not condoning anything or taking sides. I want that understood.

What I am saying is based on my own experience.

When I was drunk I was aggressive at times and I would start fights with men. Mostly because I knew they didn’t find me attractive. This wasn’t their fault it was my extremely low self esteem and possibly my undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder.

Your average woman doesn’t punch a guy in the face because he refuses her advances.

I also think I had sex with men that were too drunk to consent. This is hard to admit but I know I did this once. The person was someone I was close to and it ruined our friendship for awhile then worse things happened and we were close again.

I’ve been beaten badly while drunk. I’ve had sex during a blackout on several occasions so that would be I guess without my consent.

The person I have hated for years who did the most damage is an alcoholic/drug user who I drank with daily. I never wanted to forgive him.

The problem is I was just as bad as he was. The only difference is I stopped drinking over 9 years ago. I admitted the damage I had done to other people and myself. He still thinks he did nothing wrong. He thinks this way because he still drinks.

Drinking and drug abuse stunts you emotionally and your maturity. You don’t grow up when you’re using or drinking. You stay the same age you were when you started. If you started at 16 then you have a 16 year old boy’s mentality. I’m not making this up.

I never grew up. There were so many “adult” things I didn’t know how to do when I stopped drinking. I never had to do them.

When two addicts/alcoholics are in a relationship I can tell you from experience horrible things are going to be said and done. At the time you don’t think it’s that bad. It’s only years later when you’ve stopped using and have some clarity that you realize how wrong everything was.

I’m still working on forgiveness and I’m sure there are a few people who can’t forgive me. Not the people I drank with because they all still drink or they’re dead but my family.

I do understand the places alcohol took me. Physically and emotionally. These are places I never want to visit again. I have to accept my part in the things that went on then. I’ve made my amends to those I needed to but all of it still haunts me.

I know this because I have “drunk dreams” once in awhile to remind me. I hate those nights but they serve a purpose.

I hope I’m making sense and not offending people.6-addiction-emotions-3


TOP 50 HORROR MOVIES 19-15

The count continues with a film I could talk about for hours.

  • 19) Bram Stoker’s Dracula~ 1992 Director: Francis Ford Coppola Cast: Gary Oldman Keanu Reeves~ Despite some of the acting by specific actors the opening scene more than makes up for it. Filled with love, grief and fury it shows the reasoning behind Dracula’s transformation, his renouncement of God. Tom Waits as Renfield is genius.
  • 18) You’re Next~ 2011 A somewhat more original story that was needed at the time. A woman goes with her boyfriend to his parent’s wedding anniversary at their vacation home. Strangers attack the home but as guests die the girlfriend starts to piece it together. No one knew her background and they’re in for a surprise.
  • 17) Frailty~ 2001 Director: Bill Paxton Cast: Bill Paxton Matthew McConaughey~ I love this movie because you’re not sure if the religiously fanatic father is losing his mind and mistreating his children or if there’s any truth to what he believes. In the end you find out for sure. Rare for a film.
  • 16) The Devil’s Backbone~ 2001 Guillermo del Toro~ It’s easy to over think a film and with this one many have. Some believe the film to be a metaphor for the rise of Fascism in Spain. I saw an orphaned boy, traumatized and uncomfortable in his own skin in an orphanage haunted by a boy who died there previously. Guillermo always does haunting, beautiful films that I usually find myself shedding at least one tear at.
  • 15) The Thing~ 1982 Director: John Carpenter Cast: Kurt Russell~ A research station in Antarctica goes to check on a nearby station where they find all of them missing or dead. They do find the remains of something the station tried to destroy. I’m not a fan of Sci-Fi Horror but I love this one. It has a lot of jump factors and the tension between the characters as they begin to distrust one another keeps you watching.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


THE BIGGER PICTURE~ ADDICTION

Is addiction a problem? Yes, it is. But the bigger problem being ignored is why are people turning to drugs and alcohol?

Rebecca Farley David Vice President for policy and advocacy at the National Council for Behavioral Health says more than half of people with Substance Abuse disorders also suffer from depression, anxiety, or another mental illness. Treatment should address both issues.

Rarely does this happen. I know firsthand that this rarely happens. Because of this I went undiagnosed for 27 years. No one should have to wait that long for help or be treated like they don’t matter.

The top leading causes of Death in the U.S. as of May 5, 2017 were the following:

  • Heart Disease- 616,067
  • Cancer- 562,875
  • Stroke- 135,952
  • Chronic Lower Respiratory Disease- 127,924
  • Accident- 123,706
  • Alzheimer’s- 74,632
  • Influenza or Pneumonia- 52,717
  • Kidney Disease- 46,448
  • Suicide- 44,193

What’s missing from this list?

Drug overdoses.

We have a bigger Mental Health problem that leads to self-medicating and addiction. This is what needs to be addressed.

I’ve attempted suicide several times, I’m an alcoholic in remission for over 9 years, I have Bipolar Disorder, Conversion Disorder and Social Phobia. I also have Kidney Disease. All of this is scary but it makes me realize I have to try harder to live life.

2016-02-05 18_52_26-FastStats - Leading Causes of Death

This is last years list I couldn’t find an image to download of the May 2017 list.


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