Are You An Empath, Psychic, or Just Crazy?

As a child I preferred to sit with the adults, watching their body language and listening to what they said. My mom comes from a large, loud, Irish family that more often than not didn’t tell the truth. When they did it was usually to my mom. I picked up early on when a person was lying or being evasive. I could spot people who were a little “different” right away. Some would ask why did I keep the company I kept if I could do this. The answer to that is I thought I deserved what I got from them. I knew who and what they were as soon as I met them but had no self esteem or confidence. I thought very little of myself and didn’t care what happened to me.

EMPATHS

The qualities of empaths are similar to those of a bipolar person or at least to me. Some say empaths are more of a mystical thing not a scientific one. I’m not sure about that.

People often confide in me even people I’ve just met. I’m deeply affected by the emotions of those around me. I put other’s needs and happiness first. I always support the outcasts and underdogs. I have a deep love of animals and feel more comfortable with them than people. I become overwhelmed in crowds of people and then feel anxious, irritable, and impatient (unless I drank). I’m somewhat creative and feel tragedy/loss deeply and for a longer time than most. I can easily read people whether it’s by their writing, eyes, mannerisms, there’s always a tell. I’m often yelled at because I “know” things but can’t explain how and people think I found out in a malicious way. I’ve also proven this to be false many times.

These traits describe many people. I do feel everything 100 times more than most people. That is the most difficult part because I wish I didn’t. Alcohol helped with that. I don’t grieve like everyone else does. I still have days where I cry uncontrollably over my dog GiGi who was hit by car at the end of our driveway. I think I can still see her white fur gently moving in the breeze as she lay there so still. The same when her brother died years later from a heart condition. His death was not a pretty one. Even though she was hit by a car there was no visible injury to her. Her brother was different and I’m the one who found him when I woke up in a puddle of blood. My dad was at dialysis so I lost control of my emotions. I still see my Mom as I ran into her hospital room. Nurses laughing, drinking coffee, one man doing chest compressions, bloody foam running down her chin, a howling sound that I’m not sure if it’s me or my Dad who’s on his knees. I’m the lucky one in the family who gets to witness the death of everyone or everything I love. I get to remember and feel all of it continuously.

It’s something my twin sister won’t have to go through. I’ll be the one to deal with my Dad too when the time comes. The worst part is my sister distancing herself from me when I’m the one taking the blows to protect her and my nephews. She would never see it that way. All of the grief and pain has shaped me into who I am today. I have kept things from her because I know it would hurt her and when she holds a grudge it isn’t pretty. She already hasn’t talked to our Dad since Christmas and I’m not sure why. I refuse to give her anymore reasons to stay away from us and only consider her husbands family as her real family. I have to say this hurts more than I thought it ever would.

Sometimes I think watching all those movies was a bad thing. I always had an idea of how life was supposed to be, how sisters were supposed to be, none of it worked out that way.

WAIT WHILE MY LAZY ASS TRIES NOT TO GET THROUGH THIS MANIC DEPRESSION

Manic Depression isn’t as fun as it sounds. I’m more irritable, short tempered, thoughts spin at a rapid pace and none of them are good. I also talk more and cry more, and I’m impulsive. My stutter will come and go as it pleases set off by the tiniest thing. I’m more aware of what’s going on and feel guilty about it. I also feel I’ve let everyone down once again because I can’t/won’t control myself/behavior.

When my family reads or watches something about mental illness that discusses how we benefit from exercise, breathing techniques, and CBT tools they then look at me and wonder why I’m still the same.

No one takes into account that I have more than one mental illness and autoimmune problems. I also have Chronic Kidney Disease and only 1 remaining kidney. I went into menopause way too early at 36/37 and this messes with so much of your bodies hormones and chemicals in your brain. By the way NONE of my doctors have ever questioned it which I find odd. They haven’t questioned the fact that I’ve gone from 5′ 7″ to 5′ 5″ in less than 2 years either. Or that my new body temperature is between 93-94 degrees. I find all of this odd but none of them do. Before anyone tells me to try new doctors I’ve been to so many including the best in Boston only to here “You’re definitely sick we just don’t know the exact cause”. Thanks for nothing.

I can’t exercise when every single joint hurts, I have arthritis throughout my entire body but it’s worse in my hips and spine. My neck constantly feels like it’s broken and my head feels swollen all the time. That could be the 2 cysts that way up inside my sinus cavity close to my brain that no one has bothered to check since 2008. Or the swelling in my brain that no one has bothered to check since 2008. One Doctor said I was looking at hip replacement soon and that was 8 years ago. But let me jog this depression off so you can feel better around me.

I had 2 good days that I knew wouldn’t last when I woke up this morning crying. I had dream that was really a memory. The same one I always have. The chair hits me over the head, I’m pinned to the floor, punched in the face over and over, I feel like I’m drowning in my own blood, I fly down a flight of stairs, and then I’m standing there soaked in blood and no one helps me. My blond hair is stained red and I will have a scar under my chin from a skull ring.

What made me cry this morning was thinking about how my best friend allowed this person into her home recently for a cook out. I’m not invited to cook outs. To be fair he wasn’t invited either but he wasn’t asked to leave. How could she sit there looking at him knowing how much he had hurt me? Seeing the clothes I had to throw away? Her boyfriend loves me like a sister and I can’t believe if he knew who the guy was he would’ve let him stay. I’m hurt and angry. I’m really angry. If I had known he was there I probably would’ve showed up and tried to grille his face. Sorry I shouldn’t say that. I wouldn’t have the strength anyway. I’m just hurt.

Letting go is hard and forgiving is sometimes not possible.

I’ll try to think of my two good days and hope for more.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO FORGIVE AND FORGET?

Forgiveness might actually be a little easier for me than forgetting what was said or done in the first place. Some things I can’t forgive or forget and it’s probably why I sometimes have outbursts of anger. There are also the things I can’t remember.

When it comes to other people like my family I’m lost. My sister can hold a grudge for a very long time. She married a man exactly like her. My Dad is somewhere in between or he would rather bury his head in the sand.

There are times I think up scenarios where I go back to where I used to drink. This time I’m not a fat naïve girl who thinks it’s okay to be treated like garbage. This time I’m a confident attractive woman with her shit together and maybe a hot guy on her arm (I know how petty it sounds believe me). This is because I was repeatedly told that no one would ever want me and I was lucky they let me hang around. I was lucky to be mooed at in public, slapped for not cleaning a place I didn’t live, not buying enough beer, told “I love you” then beaten, but you start to believe what your told after awhile. When you add alcohol to the mix and an undiagnosed mental illness there was no way the situation was going to end well. By the time I left them for good I was drinking a case of Black Label and a pint of Joaquin’s Ginger Flavored Brandy a day. Sorry, Black Label Kingers.

I was bloated, my liver enlarged, I didn’t care about anything or anyone.

I am capable of forgiving more than most people because I fear abandonment and conflict but at the same time I have a strong desire to punch some people in the face. I want to hurt them like they hurt me. The problem is they would have to care for me to hurt them and they don’t. I have to remember that. But there’s still that young girl inside who always wanted to be pretty and popular. Who for once wanted a cute, funny, guy to like her as much as she liked him.

There was a handsome, funny, tall, muscular, blue eyed guy that I liked and got along with not long before I stopped drinking. We would all hang out at W’s beach house. He mentioned one night that he “wouldn’t be good for me” and “he wasn’t a good person” kind of making excuses. I told W it was because of my weight but she disagreed because she never saw me as anything but her beautiful friend that’s why I love her.

A week later the guy is dating a girl I went to High School with who actually drank more than me but was thin and attractive. They fought constantly. He honestly didn’t see me as woman or attractive I know this because of Halloween one year. He was taking pictures and said “Okay let’s get a picture of the sexy girls! A and W!” Yup, I was sitting right there and my name wasn’t mentioned.

So I go into Kidney Failure lose 140 pounds and stop by W’s house one 4th of July to surprise her. I see the guy who is now engaged to the girl A. They had all been drinking so they were a little loud. Everyone was happy to see me but the guy says “WTF! If I had known you were going to turn out like this I would’ve chose differently!” His fiancé standing right next to him. He kept going on and on about how I looked until W’s boyfriend noticed and pulled him away. W’s boyfriend is the most observant person I know and the most caring. At least to me. He always makes sure I don’t feel uncomfortable or eat anything that will give me a gallbladder attack. lol

Anyway that proved my point that it was about my weight. I’ve totally forgotten my point but that’s okay it’s that time of day where I get a bad headache and my vision goes a little blurry. My toes also turn dark red and my feet swell so do my sinuses. Every joint in my neck aches and my teeth/jaw. It’s always something. 9acfcce7f82986b7bc05862f558ba192

WE’RE THE SAME YOU AND I

 

Empty Eyes

Head In Hands

Nervous Rocking

Toe Tapping

Crooked Smile

Desperate Laughter

Eyes Now Filled

Pain and Panic

Keep Performing

Before They See

You’re Not You

And I’m Not Me

For Chris and all of us that know these signs all too well. There 

is no cure sometimes yet there’s tremendous pressure for us

to get “better” that becomes too much. That has to end.

I AM UNIQUE, QUIRKY, LOYAL, SENSITIVE AND MENTALLY ILL

I know if I don’t take some type of medication I will at some point find another way to ease my anxiety, pain, racing thoughts, fatigue, delusional thinking, compulsive behavior, and suicidal thoughts. The last one won’t be a thought anymore if I start drinking again.

I’m only getting the benefit of a small amount of my medications and I know this. Even when I was getting the full benefit I still wasn’t close to “normal”. Chances are I never will be.

I get frustrated at people who advocate for Breathing Therapy and Exercise as a cure/tool for depression but it WILL NOT WORK FOR ME.

I get pissed when I listen to Dr. Drew try to talk about a subject he obviously knows nothing about, treating mental illness with addiction. Everything he said to me was wrong. Most research and scientists have found that the undiagnosed underlying mental illness causes a person to seek relief from alcohol and drugs. The majority of mental health professionals do not know how to treat both and the person gets bounced back and forth or isn’t treated at all.

Then I read a blogger who doesn’t believe in Treatment Resistant Bipolar Disorder. I read the Blog expecting to see evidence, statistics, quotes from researchers, but it’s just their opinion. That’s fine everyone is allowed to have an opinion. The problem is when you have thousands of followers and your a supposed Bipolar Guru.

I also don’t appreciate someone repeatedly trying to tell me I’m wrong and why when I’ve already conceded. I dislike confrontation of any kind so I’ll eventually tell you what you want to hear to avoid conflict that will trigger stuttering and tremors. It isn’t worth it. I don’t know you and I have enough problems with my own family thinking I don’t try hard enough to get better and that I’m just lazy.

I think I’ll have my medical file tattooed on me to make it easier. When I mentioned “Life saving measures were taken” when I went into Kidney Failure both my Dad and twin sister didn’t believe me. Do they think you lose 100% of one kidney and 39% of the other because you have a cold? Or I had to stay in the hospital for over a week because they liked my company? I’m tired of having to prove that I’m sick it’s ridiculous.

They think because I lied when I was drinking that I’m a liar. That’s fair and I don’t blame them up to a point. I’m over 9 years sober and they now know why I was drinking and what I went through when I drank. I have not lied since I’ve been sober (except if someone asks me if they look like they’ve gained weight you can’t win with that one)

I’m not a bad person, I’m a little odd at times. My sense of humor is strange and I find things fascinating that most people don’t. I love to research a topic but I become obsessed sometimes if I can’t figure something out. Sometimes I’m quick to anger but I’m also the first to admit I’m wrong and I’ll feel guilty and cry for days until I make things right.

If I love you you’re lucky because you’ll get the shirt off my back and I’ll take a bullet for you (just ask W. about that one) my mom was the same way she protected those she loved.

That’s it for today. I’ve been binge eating for some weird reason. Not really weird it’s because CVS changed the Generic version of one of my medications. Instead of drinking I’m eating Gluten Free Frozen Yogurt, Gluten Free Cupcakes, Boar’s Head Dill Pickle Spears (I drink the juice too for my gallbladder), Rice Chex w/ Cinnamon & Sugar, Jax Cheese Puffs, I think there was more but I can’t remember lol

BACK ON MY KNEES AGAIN

Dealing with other Mental Health Advocates is not always pleasant. Everyone has their own opinions and agendas. Some people just want attention or to feel better by making other people feel worse. Mental Illness isn’t one size fits all. No two brains are the same and no two people are the same (my twin can tell you that if she decides to take your phone call).

I tried to show kindness to someone and it came back to bite me. The subject was “Hope”. The man was clearly upset and frustrated by the over use of the word because he still does not feel better. He was being attacked by other people who had found “Recovery” and “Hope”. I found myself defending him because I understand how it feels when you see only positive sites and Tweets. You feel like a failure and ask yourself why can’t you be like everyone else once again.

I’ve already spent most of my life feeling like I didn’t fit in I don’t need to feel that way at 44 years of age. I refuse and I won’t be bullied into it either.

Do your research. Some people will never find relief from their illness for various reasons. A late diagnosis, wrong medications given to them before the right diagnosis, autoimmune diseases, kidney disease, brain issues, co occurring mental illnesses, the list goes on. Educate yourself before you decide someone is lazy and doesn’t want to do the work to get better.

I’m losing patience fast and Serotonin is building up in my system so it go either way. My organs will fail or my head will explode from the injustice I see everyday. I’m okay with either at this point I’ve actually done more than most in my life.

Not many can say they went to a wedding with a member of Green Day and actually know one of them or the fun I had in L.A. and the people I met. The crazy situations I’ve been in and the weirdest people I’ve known. Who robs a bank and only takes the change? With no car? Walks home in the middle of the night with bags of change? People I know. Or the guy Manson I knew for years, turns out that wasn’t even his name! everyone called him that because he looked like Charles Manson! Poor Ricky who wore women’s Daisy Duke shorts with nothing else underneath (he could get away with it because he was bulked up from prison and tan from working on boats) but he had 10 kids with 10 different girls and went back to prison every winter. Last time I saw him he had lost his charm from heroin.

Anyway I’ve been able to travel and meet a few of my favorite bands. At one time I had too many friends and went out every night so it’s okay I’m good with whatever happens.

I’D BE LYING IF I SAID I WAS OKAY

Something is very wrong and I don’t know what it is. I’m a different person from day to day, hour to hour and I never know when the change will come. My joints hurt, I have severe headaches, one minute I’m with my Dad at the mechanic’s and the next I’m screaming at him and I start to walk home. I only made it to the shopping mall up the street before my legs gave out and I sat there crying. This isn’t normal.

What part of it is Bipolar or Conversion Disorder? What part of it is my medications? What part of it is actually me? Because I don’t know anymore and the only two people I have are giving up on me.

I’m tired of Doctors not being able to give me a real answer. The Psychiatrist wants to change medications again when I think it’s stupid to do if no one can tell me how my 1 kidney is processing the medications. If it’s building up in my system than why would you want to just give me a different pill? And he keeps saying there isn’t a way to tell when I know they can do blood work. The Kidney Doctors are no better they give me the same answer so does the Gastrologist. I’m tired of it. How many states do I have to go to? How many times do I have to hear “We really don’t know”. I’m not going to pay you anymore then if you really don’t know. What’s the point?

I can’t function. I can’t talk half the time. My dog now is sensitive to what triggers episodes. Today my Dad started to get into a topic that upsets me and the dog jumped in his lap and started growling then howling at him until he stopped talking. He also knows when I’m more than down he’ll press the side of face into mine until it hurts, smushing our cheekbones together. It does make me laugh. That’s one good thing.