Monthly Archives: September 2017

YOU WANTED SOMETHING POSITIVE

I’m positive I’ve sat in a room filled with people thinking “How do they do it?”. 

I’m positive I’ve faked more smiles than given real ones.

I’m positive no one really wants to know your truth because it’s too hard.

I’m positive I’ve sat alone with my headphones on, my head in my hands, rocking back and forth, trying to drown out the painful static in my head.

I’m positive I don’t need anyone asking me “Have you tried…?” because I’m pretty sure I have.

I’m positive I’ve stood outside a crowded bar and wondered if I’ll ever be able to be my true self. Or is the drunk me actually my true self?

I’m positive I am alone in the real world.

I’m positive I am barely hanging on and question why everyday.

I’m positive more could be done for people like me but isn’t.

I’m positive I’ll be here tomorrow.

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BUCKET LIST (DIDN’T THINK I WOULD NEED ONE)

For someone who wanted to die for so many years to now feel like there isn’t enough time is strange. I haven’t done a lot of the things I’ve wanted to do. I don’t have insurance so there is no money to bury me. I don’t want my Dad to have to worry about it.

My kidney function has decreased and is one of the reasons I’m having so many problems with my medications. Scans of my brain from years ago were looked at by the team of Doctors I have now. They weren’t able to get them previously. The results were less than good. This was from 8 years ago so I have to have another scan as soon as possible. The previous one worries them because of the swelling in one area, the pressure behind my eyes, the lightning bolt in one area, the extreme loss of grey matter and some white matter. Plus the fact that I did have an infection in my brain at one time.

They were appalled that no one had done more scans. At least I felt better that I wasn’t the only one who thought it was odd.

The mental health part is worse than anything. I go from feeling okay to that 12 foot hole of darkness with a hollow ache in my chest. The feeling of complete hopelessness and that I am insignificant in this World is so overwhelming the only way to get through it is to get in the fetal position in the dark while screaming and sobbing into a towel.

BUCKET LIST

  • Work with Exotic Wildlife at a rescue or rehabilitation center.
  • Spend a day with Wolves.
  • Meet Dave Navarro so I can ask him questions about addiction, mental health, relationships, art, movies, TV, watches, eyebrows, etc.
  • Spend a full day with just my dad and my sister talking about our best memories.

That’s pretty much it. I have an estimated 8 to 10 years if I’m lucky. Somehow I don’t think any of my bucket list will happen. Right now I’m tired and my relationship with my Dad and sister isn’t great. I haven’t kept them informed about the Doctor’s insights. It wouldn’t do any good. I can try to achieve some small things when I can.

Today it’s dark and rainy so I’m not feeling great and just want to sleep. I will try not to because I don’t want to waste any time.


UNDERSTANDING THE BULLY, THE VICTIM OF BULLYING AND THE BYSTANDER.

BULLIES are made up of 50% Nature (a predisposition) and 50% Nurture (environmental influence).

BULLYING is the conscious desire to hurt another and put them under distress. This is usually done to someone a bully sees as less powerful.

50% of the population has experienced adult bullying. 60% of physical male bullies will be arrested by age 24.

BULLYING TRAITS

Over the years research has shown that bullies all seem to have similar traits. The following are some of them:

  • Dominates others
  • Uses others to get what they want
  • Unwilling to negotiate
  • Difficulty seeing others point of view
  • Concerned with only their wants/needs
  • Unwilling to accept other’s ideas
  • Will hurt others when adults aren’t around
  • Targets those they see as weaker in some way
  • Do not accept responsibility for their actions
  • Blame and false allegations are used to project their inadequacies onto their target

DOMINATE EMOTIONS OF BULLIES

  • Suspicious
  • Frustrated
  • Disgusted
  • Confident
  • Jealous
  • Insecure
  • Lonely

Bullies often feel contempt towards their targets. They also have an intolerance for anyone perceived as different/not worthy of respect and believe they should be isolated.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TEASING AND TAUNTING

Teasing~ Is not intended to harm anyone, it’s innocent in motive and is stopped when one person involved objects or asks it to stop.

Taunting~ This is a one sided power imbalance intended to harm, humiliate, or demean another person. It increases with objections and is not innocent in motive. (All of the new texts use the wore “sinister” I really didn’t feel comfortable using that term)

PERSONALITY CHARACTERISTICS OF BULLYING VICTIMS

  • Quiet and shy
  • Have difficulty relating
  • Not assertive
  • Lack friends or social support
  • Low self-esteem
  • Their social behaviors are found odd or irritating by others

PSYCHOSOCIAL EFFECTS ON BULLYING VICTIMS

  • Fear
  • Anxiety
  • Low self-esteem
  • Insecurity
  • Isolation
  • Avoidance of school and social events
  • Emotional Impairment
  • Social Impairment

SIGNS OF A BULLIED CHILD

  • Increase in fighting
  • Avoiding lunch or recess areas
  • Attendance problems
  • Suspicious bruises
  • Taking different routes to walk home
  • Mood swings
  • Sudden or ongoing illness
  • Problems with concentration
  • Argumentative

EFFECTS OF BYSTANDERS ON THE BULLY

If a bystanders does nothing it amplifies the effects of the situation by increasing the humiliation and social effects. It also encourages the behavior to continue because there is no accountability. When a bystander acts on behalf of the person being bullied it decreases the effect of the incident immensely.

Depending on where you live, the school system and social status, bystander intervention is viewed in different ways. I’ve witnessed adults do nothing while a child was being physically hurt by a much larger child. When I intervened I was told that it “wasn’t my place and I didn’t know how things worked”. The third time I intervened in a bullying incident it was “suggested” that I not come back to the school’s playground.

Every parent there was more worried about fitting in with the “PTA” group than the well being of their children. When my sister told me of a recent event where her child was surrounded by 20 kids calling him a “Killer” and one adult poking her finger at him and saying he “You monster! You killed the butterfly!” I was livid. When I realized that my sister didn’t run to her child and protect him with all she had I was disgusted.

Our mother would’ve been there in a second and that woman would never point a finger again. My mom protected her children when we told her something was wrong. I kept a lot from her because she took on everyone’s problems.

If you see bullying say or do something. It causes a lifetime of problems. I’m proof of that. I believed everything that was said to me after awhile. How can you not when it’s said so much? You just give in and accept it when it starts at a young age and never stops. Maybe I’m weak, I don’t know. I do know that at some point during my drinking I became a bully for awhile. It didn’t make me feel any better. 29eca8a91a94e4c7d29ccb246e469e5f

 


I WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE GOVERNMENT FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Today I have received four phone calls informing me that my Social Security Number is once again suspended. If you read my previous post you know this has happened before and I reported it to three different agencies. The man threatened to send prostitutes to my house using my name online, open false bank accounts and buy weapons, and open credit cards. I admit I didn’t take it well when he got to the weapons part. I informed him he wouldn’t get far buying weapons with my Social Security number because I’m Mentally Ill and have bad credit. What I do have is a certificate in crazy and a brother who works in the Government and would be happy to track his ass down in India so I can visit. I also have a close friend who lived with a specific religious sect that would gladly help also. I admit I felt threatened and backed into a corner.

When I feel like this I either lash out or crawl so far into myself it takes days or weeks to come out. This time I lashed out.

Needless to say the Government did nothing. I’m not really surprised. I gave them the phone number, the names used, everything that was said and they didn’t ask for any of it!

So now I start getting the phone calls again only this time I just don’t care. I feel kind of done. I’m tired of being yelled at or ignored. I’m tired of apologizing for my existence, what I’ve said, didn’t say, what I’ve done or didn’t do. It’s constant, this need to say “I’m sorry” all the time.

It makes me feel weak and pathetic. Feelings I dislike immensely.

Everything has an effect on me, from movies, TV, music, social media, small conversations and other people’s moods. I literally jump when my Dad enters the room and says my name now. I can feel his anxiety and irritability like a fog around me. I start to feel the same and it never ends well.

I’m practically begging people to talk to me or like me. When I was drinking I could’ve cared less who liked me for many years. Now I feel loneliness like a thousand paper cuts healed and done again the next day.


MISINTERPRETATIONS, DISTORTION, DEPENDENT PERSONALITY AND EXPRESSED EMOTION

I do have a habit of overthinking many comments and conversations. This always leads to trouble. I also will ask a question I already know the answer to just to try to fit in and engage in conversation. Recently this backfired on me and I lost my temper.

I should’ve known I would get negative responses I was on Twitter. They were having a hashtag ask a question day and I asked about cutting my dog’s nails because he panics so much I was afraid he would hurt himself.

This set off a firestorm of people telling me that I was “torturing my poor animal” and other similar not as nice things. At first I was going to let it go but then on organization kept sending me Tweets saying “STOP HURTING YOUR ANIMALS!” and I lost it.

I know how to cut his nails and that he has to be sedated. I also know the correct medications and dosages for every size dog. I know how to do CPR on animals and have done so on several dogs. I have used a tiny hypodermic needle to inoculate up to 200 birds from disease. The injection has to go into a specific area or they bleed too much and won’t be inoculated. I helped hand raise Endangered Bird Species feeding them with an eye dropper every half hour so they could later go to a special program at the Bronx Zoo. But I played dumb because I have no one to talk to, it was a bad day and I wasn’t thinking clearly.

On Instagram I commented on something where I thought the person was making fun of someone for stuttering. They were not and I completely misread the entire situation and became defensive. Now I feel embarrassment and shame. Two feelings I hate to feel the most.

I need more help than the Professionals in R.I., MA, and CT have been able to give me. When they have all decided there is nothing left to be done I’m not sure how long I can live with that. How long could you live with knowing the people you love can’t be around you? How long could you go on with nothing but your own voice to listen to, no human contact for many years, nothing to look forward to, no purpose?

I had to leave the house the other day for food. Unfortunately someone from High School recognized me. First Question: “How are you, are you married?” Second Question: “Do you have any kids?” Third Question: “What are you doing for work, where do you live?” yes they were jumbled in like that. How can you tell someone that you’ve never even been on an actual date or been alone with a man in 9 years? How do you tell them that for some unknown reason you stopped getting your period at 36 and will never have children? How do you tell them that you don’t work because you have several mental illnesses but please don’t be afraid? And the last on, I never left home and I still live with my Dad.

I went home and went to bed. Sometimes it’s too much.

DISTORTION: Altering perception of upsetting reality to be more acceptable.

DEPENDENT PERSONALITY DISORDER: Helplessness, excessive need to be taken care of, submissive and clingy behavior, difficulty in making decisions.

EXPRESSED EMOTION: Hostility, criticism demonstrated by some families toward a family member with a Psychological Disorder.30194987565ee667cf813de17cc6c667      Most of the time I find things like this that explain what I feel or want to say better than I can.


TALKING TO MYSELF

I hate repeating myself. I have a hard enough time getting a complete sentence out as it is. When I have to repeat myself three or four times it isn’t only difficult in a cognitive way but thoughts of unworthiness start creeping into my head. Of course this will snow ball to the point where I’m convinced the people left in my life are tired of dealing with me so they pretend I’m not here. I’m invisible so I talk to myself. Sometimes I forget I’m in public when I do it. It isn’t often I’m in public, only 2 to 3 times a month but it’s still embarrassing.

I felt okay yesterday and this morning but now I’m overwhelmed by sadness. I miss my Mom. I miss her hugs, I rarely get hugs since she passed away. I miss watching her graceful hands as she did jewelry, knit, cooked, or held my hand. I miss how she would tell my Dad off and he would listen. He’s angry all the time now so I walk on eggshells all the time. It’s more like landmines. He’s always been intimidating.

Knowing how people see and think of you is the hardest part. One of the biggest problems is the misconception that the labels that have been put on me equate me with a lower IQ. It’s the exact opposite. I’m too observant, intuitive, I love to research and learn about specific subjects, I pick up on social queues, I just keep it to myself.

I know my sister doesn’t want to be around me. My Dad feels guilty and like he’s stuck with me. I used to get 10-20 phone calls a day from different people to see what I was doing. In the last 9 years I’ve had about 10 total calls from my 1 best friend to check if I’m still alive.

I might be alive but this isn’t living.

I can’t motivate myself to get out the door. The last time I did it was because I was going to a concert out of state and had backstage passes. Stuff like that doesn’t happen anymore. I thought of going to Salem, MA because I used to love it there but I would rather go to New Orleans. I’m not sure how safe a trip there would be for me.

So today I’m kind of stuck in the middle of nowhere.


TAKE IT OUT ON ME

I suppose many people still blame me for the things I’ve done in the past and for the views I have now.

I am stubborn about specific topics like Religion and 12 Step Programs. This is most likely due to personal experiences that I can’t get past. It’s also partly because of the extensive research I’ve done. I try not to blindly judge without looking at all sides. There are times when I fail and I’ll be the first to admit it.

I honestly believe that we wouldn’t be losing so many people to addiction and suicide if there was more of a correlation between the Mental Health Community and Alcohol-Addiction treatment. 

I don’t remember anyone asking me WHY I first started drinking or what feelings I was trying to avoid. Was I afraid at the time or did I feel like I didn’t belong anywhere?

All of these questions would’ve been important clues. No one drinks a case of beer because they like the taste, especially not if it’s Black Label Kingers. 

But what do I know? I only spent over 20 years in Hell and now have over 9 years of sobriety without a program but with a DIAGNOSIS which helped more than anything else did.


WHEN MY OWN WORDS FAIL ME

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ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL

I don’t miss alcohol, I miss the atmosphere of alcohol and sometimes the attitude that came with it.

I was usually surrounded by older attractive men that took me to bars before I was allowed to be in them and concerts I probably never would’ve went to. When I was drunk I was usually sarcastic and funny but eventually I would cross that line into cruelty. It happened more often towards the end of my drinking. How I behaved also depended on who I was around. If I was with happy people I was okay. If I was with my old friends it was a different story.

I can’t sugar coat it too much. These men shouldn’t have been giving large amounts of alcohol to a 16 year old girl when they were all around 25/26 years old. Some were a little older. There were only a few that did not have prison records.

In the beginning they would tell my I was pretty and flirt with me. No one had ever shown me any attention like that before. I should’ve known better. I wanted people to like me so badly I didn’t care what it cost me.

What I didn’t realize was my alcoholism and decisions would ultimately cost me everyone and everything.

I feel like I’m at the beginning and trying hard not to beg for love and attention.

There were events that occurred while I was drinking early on that I don’t remember and some I wish I could forget. This is where my Conversion Disorder comes in. I never know when it will be triggered and what happened yesterday scared me.

What I remember is a man’s deep angry voice, blood and fear. From what my Dad said I was sitting in my chair rocking back and forth saying “It’s okay, Mom said we have to throw them out there’s too much blood. Too much blood. Too much blood. Too much blood.” I was staring at a tissue in my hand that was filled with blood.

What happened was my Dad yelled at the dog, then he yelled at me, I was crying and my nose started to bleed. All of this triggered one of the worst episodes I’ve had. I had to talk to my Doctor and go over what might have led up to it. This meant I had to ask my Dad and I didn’t want to upset him again. Always on eggshells.

It’s scary when you don’t remember an hour of a day where you think your Mom is alive in it’s a completely different year. My Dad’s anxiety and anger is triggering me more and more. He’s on dialysis and his Doctor said he has about 3 and half years left. You can’t give my Dad any kind of time limit, he’s obsessed with time as it is. I don’t want to leave him alone, I refuse to. My sister won’t check on him and my brother won’t either.

I’ll give up what’s left of my sanity if it means he isn’t alone in his final years because no one should be. I care too much to do that. I don’t understand how his other children don’t.


12 STEP PROGRAMS AND A LINK TO PTSD/TRAUMA

I recently read an article written by Dr. Marc Lewis. Don’t worry I did a thorough check on his credentials and if there were any complaints against him. Dr. Lewis is a Developmental Neuroscientist who did research at the University of Toronto from 1989 to 2010. He was also a Professor of Developmental Psychology there. He’s now at Radboud University in the Netherlands. He’s had 50 journal publications in Psychology and Neuroscience. His book Memoirs of an Addicted Brain garnered high praise from top experts in the Mental Health and Addiction community including Gabar Mate.

Dr. Lewis also knows firsthand what the struggle of addiction feels like. Addicted to opiates in his youth, it cost him his family, trouble with the police and almost his life. At 30 he was finally able to stay off drugs for good and reentered grad school where he received his Ph.D.

12 Step Programs appear to put a freeze on emotional development (active drinking/drug abuse does also). Groups are known for convincing members that even if they’ve been clean for awhile their addiction is like a bogeyman you thought was under your bed as a child. Keeping you in one place no matter how much you had to pee or how thirsty you were, you were frozen. This bogeyman is patient and will wait forever for that one slip up, 1 drink, 1 pill, that will lead to a full relapse. So to avoid this you need to “Keep coming back” and define yourself as an alcoholic/addict for life.

The way you live your life and your self image is frozen in place. If you change anything, don’t follow the steps, you’re warned that you’ll be back to where you started and out of control.

Many or most 12 step groups intentionally reinforce the terror of relapse. They keep the anxiety alive in order to embed traumatic memories of addiction by telling and retelling anecdotes about how bad it was when they were at their worst or the repercussions of their last relapse.

12 step practice is the opposite of trauma treatment. To plug yourself into a static state of PTSD where you’re with people who intentionally try to get you to relive emotions that have already done damage, it’s no surprise why so many leave the program or never enter one at all. The other issue is defining yourself as a lifetime addict/alcoholic because it sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy.

MY EXPERIENCE AND PERSONAL OPINION

I tortured myself recently by listening to a Dr. Drew podcast where he said there has never been an addict/alcoholic who has successfully maintained sobriety without a 12 step program. Of course this made me a little upset. This is a person who isn’t a licensed Psychiatrist/Psychologist or Neurologist, he’s a licensed Internist. Your everyday General Practitioner who thinks he knows about PTSD, Mental Illness and Addiction. He doesn’t. What he also doesn’t realize is the damage he’s doing by promoting these false beliefs.

I had been in AA for 2 years. They were the worst 2 years of my life. I had not been diagnosed yet but a Doctor had me on Prozac and Buspar (an anxiety medication that has to be in your system for 3-4 weeks before it starts to work, the level has to be maintained). The State I live in is an odd one. The group I went to had many old timers and a few younger people. They would go to different meetings around the state to speak to large groups. When they did this members were picked to tell their stories in front of up to 100 people. If you were picked you didn’t have a choice, you had to do it. When I was chosen it was a nightmare come true. All I remember is the sound of blood rushing in my ears. I have no idea what I said but I remember a guy my age taking my hand and helping me off the stage.

This didn’t go well with the group I was part of. I was told that I would never make it, I would be a drunk again if I didn’t get on my knees and ask God for guidance.

When people found out I was on medication it was suggested I go off it because it was a “crutch” and the same as alcohol.

I am not religious and didn’t appreciate being forced to say the Lord’s prayer after every meeting. If I refused comments were made and I was told that I would fail and be in the gutter drinking again. When I missed a meeting because I had Bronchitis someone told me I better “get on my knees and ask God to forgive me” or I would never make it. Me failing was a reoccurring theme. I went to meetings all around the state and they were all the same. I heard the same stories over and over. But if you tried to be too honest someone would stop you and say “Save that for your sponsor” because they thought it was too personal. I wanted to hear it! I wanted to hear that someone had done something as bad as I did but they stopped him.

There isn’t anyone in these programs equipped to deal with those of us who have a mental illness and began drinking to self medicate. The 12 steps are life saving for some people, a replacement for alcohol/drugs for a few and damaging for others.

My Dad has been sober over 36 years without a program. My mom was sober was 29 years at the time of her death without a program. I have been sober over 9 years without a program the longest I’ve ever been able to maintain sobriety.

12 step programs are not for everyone and they are not the only option. Depending on your location your experience can differ, some areas do rely on the older version which mentions God more often. There are some that don’t. Just remember it’s your choice and there are more options now than ever so do your research and choose wisely.

 

 


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