BACK ON MY KNEES AGAIN

Dealing with other Mental Health Advocates is not always pleasant. Everyone has their own opinions and agendas. Some people just want attention or to feel better by making other people feel worse. Mental Illness isn’t one size fits all. No two brains are the same and no two people are the same (my twin can tell you that if she decides to take your phone call).

I tried to show kindness to someone and it came back to bite me. The subject was “Hope”. The man was clearly upset and frustrated by the over use of the word because he still does not feel better. He was being attacked by other people who had found “Recovery” and “Hope”. I found myself defending him because I understand how it feels when you see only positive sites and Tweets. You feel like a failure and ask yourself why can’t you be like everyone else once again.

I’ve already spent most of my life feeling like I didn’t fit in I don’t need to feel that way at 44 years of age. I refuse and I won’t be bullied into it either.

Do your research. Some people will never find relief from their illness for various reasons. A late diagnosis, wrong medications given to them before the right diagnosis, autoimmune diseases, kidney disease, brain issues, co occurring mental illnesses, the list goes on. Educate yourself before you decide someone is lazy and doesn’t want to do the work to get better.

I’m losing patience fast and Serotonin is building up in my system so it go either way. My organs will fail or my head will explode from the injustice I see everyday. I’m okay with either at this point I’ve actually done more than most in my life.

Not many can say they went to a wedding with a member of Green Day and actually know one of them or the fun I had in L.A. and the people I met. The crazy situations I’ve been in and the weirdest people I’ve known. Who robs a bank and only takes the change? With no car? Walks home in the middle of the night with bags of change? People I know. Or the guy Manson I knew for years, turns out that wasn’t even his name! everyone called him that because he looked like Charles Manson! Poor Ricky who wore women’s Daisy Duke shorts with nothing else underneath (he could get away with it because he was bulked up from prison and tan from working on boats) but he had 10 kids with 10 different girls and went back to prison every winter. Last time I saw him he had lost his charm from heroin.

Anyway I’ve been able to travel and meet a few of my favorite bands. At one time I had too many friends and went out every night so it’s okay I’m good with whatever happens.

SAYING YOU’RE BIPOLAR AND HOW YOU GIVE INFORMATION ON SOCIAL MEDIA

I’ll be the first to admit that I get annoyed/irritated/frustrated easily. Most of the time I keep it to myself. I also get hurt easily and keep this to myself too. It’s easier to keep feeling hurt hidden. But eventually all those feelings I keep swallowing down are going to come out somehow, someway.

When it comes to my own personal story I try to be as honest as I can. The only thing I get wrong are dates and years because I can’t remember them.

I was on Twitter recently and a person I follow replied to someone that they are bi-polar. That’s how he spelled it. I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not. He is someone who is well known and does have a right to some privacy. I had seen it mentioned in a few different places but never directly from him. I decided to take a chance and reply to his Tweet. I replied “Were you being serious about being Bipolar? You don’t have to answer. You have a right to privacy but as someone who is diagnosed as Bipolar I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.” I was hoping he would understand that if he was joking he shouldn’t be and if he wasn’t joking I understood. He rarely replies to people unless he knows them. I have no problem with that. He will block you in heartbeat if you say anything he doesn’t like or agree with. So far he hasn’t blocked me.

However, I did want to scream when I read one young woman’s reply to mine. It said “I’m curious myself. I was diagnosed as a teen but I’ve learned to control it. DISCIPLINE X 1000” Ummm…. So she can control her Bipolar Disorder with extra, extra, discipline? Well I must not be trying hard enough then. My dad and sister are right I just want to be alone and depressed all the time because if I didn’t wouldn’t I try harder to control it?

I must like to try new medications that give me vertigo, nausea, diarrhea, headaches and don’t work. I must have loved ECT and being held against my will for longer than I should have been while crying for anyone to come and get me. I even contemplated jumping through the big glass window not caring that there were bars on the other side.

This is what happens when I read shit like this. When I read how people have “recovered” from their mental illness by “discipline” or “colored candles” or “chanting in a circle to The Moon Goddess”. I get angry. It lessens my struggle that I go through to wake up every single Goddamn day and stay alive. And lately I keep asking myself “For what? FOR WHAT?!” A father who can’t hear me and doesn’t talk to me. A sister who is annoyed or ashamed by me so she doesn’t talk to me. I do get to clean up after my father because his vision is bad and he can’t see where the toilet is. That’s something, right? That makes me useful.

One trip to the grocery store and I am in pain for days. No one listens. No one cares. Men have literally watched me struggle to lift a case out of my carriage and done nothing to help. Just watched. I know I look better than I did at 250 pounds but you can’t tell me they are excited by watching me trying to lift water. Maybe they are. I’ve stopped caring. At least the young guys working there run to help me. If it wasn’t for one of them I would’ve passed out last week. This low blood pressure/low heart rate thing sucks.

I’m off topic and out of things to say. Go discipline yourselves!

WHY WE REACH OUT TO CELEBRITIES IN A TIME OF CRISIS

There are times when you hear a song, an interview, or a radio show and hear a celebrity say something that resonates with how you feel. There’s a reason for that. There’s a reason that people who are depressed or suicidal feel the need to make contact with a famous person they’ve heard.

I’ve found myself feeling the same way at the times. You listen to them and you think “Finally someone who understands me. Someone who knows my pain, emptiness, the all consuming darkness that encompasses me at times”. I get it. I do. When you hear lyrics that describe to a T an actual moment in your life, how can you not feel that way? When you watch an interview of a person describing the same trauma and pain you’ve been through you think you have a connection.

Unfortunately, you don’t. I strongly advise you not to contact them when you are depressed or suicidal. You are opening yourself up to a world that doesn’t understand and most likely doesn’t care to understand. The person you contact is put on the spot and under the pressure of someone else’s mental health. This isn’t fair to them. Some do not react appropriately because they either don’t know how or because they have their own shit to deal with. They may make jokes or become irritated with the person contacting them. Then how does that make the depressed person feel? Not better.

This isn’t going to make me popular but at this point I don’t really care. I’m tired of everything I see and hear. I’m tired of the lack of humanity. I’m tired of the narcissism. I am tired of being dismissed and witnessing people with mental health problems actually being told to kill themselves on Social Media. I’m tired of this vile activity being viewed as acceptable. I’m tired of the lack of compassion for anyone on this planet that isn’t like you.

Dave Navarro has a radio podcast called Dark Matter. On a recent episode there was a caller who was depressed. I’m not sure anyone in the studio knew how to handle it. A person with a background in Mental Health/Depression/Suicide on hand might be a good thing when a call goes south or to help screen calls. Mr. Navarro’s documentary has opened him up to a new audience. His work with Domestic Abuse Victims has also. The documentary deals with trauma, addiction, and pain. These are all the criteria for people with mental health issues.

People also see him on TV every week making them feel as if they know him more. The unfortunate thing is the followers on the Dark Matter chat site. Some encouraged the caller to kill himself. They were also discussing previous “crazy” people that had been callers. *so you know I’m pretty sure if you added Uncle Creepy’s IQ with Renticles mine would still be higher. I hate to stoop to that level but the point needs to be made that we are not idiots*

What anyone with a Mental Health problem has to understand is that they are people like us but not. They don’t have to talk to you. You can’t guilt someone into giving you what you need. You know how badly I wanted to call in and discuss Judas Priest and Kip Winger? I was so excited because I’ve seen Priest in concert at least 6 times and I’ve seen Rob Halford when he was in the band Fight. I didn’t hear them mention that and I had met Rob Halford at that time. The band Voivod was with them and a member of the band “Piggy” liked my cousin. So glad it wasn’t me. lol I’ve also met Kip Winger and thought he was a nice guy. But the nicest guy I’ve ever met is Mike Tramp from White Lion. I was on his bus for about 4 hours discussing the movie Gladiator and Stephen King’s Dark Tower series. We even talked about how we would see it as a movie. His English isn’t perfect so that’s why it was 4 hours. I feel a connection with Mr. Navarro for the same reasons as other people. We have the same interests, we’ve met or know a lot of the same people, our sense of humor is similar, but I had to realize that it doesn’t mean anything.

This doesn’t make me worthless, ugly, or unwanted. No one else can make your problems go away no matter who they are. That’s something only you can do. I understand the need to connect and feel visible. But you won’t get it this way. What you will get is groups of ignorant people who only feel good about themselves by destroying others. Or they are trying to impress the celebrity they are following. Most of the time it isn’t appreciated but the can’t monitor everything.

I was happy to see Dark Matter issue a statement on their Facebook page. It won’t stop anything but it can’t hurt either.

Then next time anyone is feeling depressed/suicidal come here instead of contacting an actor/actress/musician. You might just find what you’re looking for.

DISCLAIMER~ I am not a Doctor I just play one online. I have lived through pretty much everything there is that life can throw at you. Including my own death from kidney failure, death of loved ones, suicide attempts, alcoholism, violence, arrests, Mental Health diagnoses, stigma, hatred, memory loss, and more. I sound awesome!national-suicide-prevention-hotline