Category Archives: Accountability

Trouble

I responded to a post about the A.A. organization. The person writing the post went over the regulations for A.A. The problem is it contradicted itself. The writer’s response to A.A. being a religious organization was that it might have been that particular meeting. If you didn’t like it you can “start your own meeting down the street”.

It was also pointed out that A.A. does not make medical or psychological diagnoses or prognoses. There’s no leader or religious affiliation. Then there was a list of what A.A. DOES DO.

A.A. has helped many people and I realize meetings are different across the country. The problem is the naivete that everyone will follow these dos and don’ts on their own without regulation. It just doesn’t happen.

In my State, and yes I went to many different meetings across my State, almost all meetings are held in a church or on church property. At the end of the meeting they say a prayer. I received many a dirty look for not holding hands and reciting along.

I was strongly encouraged to go off of my Depression medication because it was a “crutch” and my Anxiety wasn’t Anxiety it was probably my gallbladder.

When I first tried A.A. I was young and damaged. I have a hard time thinking I could have started my own meeting when I couldn’t even write my name.

So who makes sure A.A. does what it was set up to do and not what it isn’t suppose to do? Are you just suppose to go from meeting to meeting until you find one that fits? Most people attending meetings were getting rides from other people or walking due to D.U.I charges or financial situations. It’s absurd. It’s offensive for me to see someone write “If you don’t like the meeting you can go down the street and start your own”. It’s flippant.

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Lies, Honesty, Self-Preservation

This post will be brutally honest. It might be too honest for some so I’m warning you now.

I am Pro Choice and always have been. When I was young I always pictured myself married with a house and children. That was not to be.

I didn’t know the path my life was to take. One of self destruction. I couldn’t have known.

Some of you know that I started drinking heavily at the age of 17 to self-medicate an illness I didn’t know I had. I continued to do so for 20 years.

What no one really talks about with Bipolar Disorder and Addiction is the promiscuity that sometimes goes with it. The need to prove that you are human, that you exist, that you’re alive, that someone wants you. Even if it’s for a night. Also a need to feel like you’re not garbage. This is a Catch 22. You wind up feeling like garbage anyway.

I never had a boyfriend, I just had people I drank with that I slept with or guys I met in bars to prove my self worth. I can say there were a few I thought I loved but was so overwhelmingly hurt by them it made me worse.

At the age of 19 I became pregnant. I was pressured by my family to terminate the pregnancy. Considering I wasn’t sure who the father was and I was drinking at the time it was for the best. The father would have been an alcoholic or drug addict. I was selfish and not willing to stop drinking. I would’ve been on public assistance in an apartment with just me and a baby. This would not have been a good idea at the time.

The experience itself was demeaning, horrific, and one I’ll never forget. Someone had superglued all the locks to the clinic doors, I had things thrown at me on the way in and of course religious things shouted at me as I entered the building. I do not regret what I did at the time. I wasn’t ready and I was ill.

I regret lying to myself later in life whenever the subject of children would come up. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I couldn’t handle it. I was resentful of my sister for being able to have children and be a good mother.

At first it was the drinking, then it was my inability to find someone to be with. I didn’t want to admit the damage that had been done by men in my past. I am easily startled by loud boisterous men. Most men frighten me. Part of my Conversion Disorder is linked to this I think.

So the years went by and my body changed. I stopped getting my period 2 years ago at 40. I no longer have a choice. Part of this makes me sad. But I can honestly say that I as much as I love my nephews and other children I don’t think I could I raise one on my own. It would be unfair to the child and the people around me who would have to help.

This doesn’t mean I don’t feel an ache sometimes, I do. I also feel at times it’s a form of punishment for years ago. I have to deal with that. There is so much inside me I would like to forget but can’t. There is a never ending sadness. I can only deal with it a little at a time. Some days are worse than others. I do try. Some days I’m just too tired. I can only hope the next day will be better.


Love, Hate, Jealousy And Sibling Rivalry

The word Love means to treasure, respect, and cherish. Hate means to loathe, detest, and despise. Jealousy means to envy, be resentful, and spiteful. I feel all of these when it comes to my fraternal twin sister. Experts would call this Sibling Rivalry. I wouldn’t.

Scientists and Psychologists who have researched the subject say it has to do with the birth order and your parents. Maybe. My mother could have fed into the problem a little. The experts talk a lot about competitiveness. We never really were. I didn’t find out how my sister honestly felt until a few years ago. I was hurt and surprised. Our relationship has been going slowly downhill from there.

When I look back on things I feel like a fool. All the money I gave her, the gifts I bought her, and the favors I did. I did all of these things because I love her and I wanted her to love me back the same way. I didn’t know that wasn’t possible.

I still try to make her love me more. Even though I know you can’t force someone to do something they aren’t capable of. She does love me, I’m just not in her top 5. It sounds silly but it’s the only way to explain it.

My dad thinks I hate my sister or I am jealous of her. This is because I do complain about her frequently. I just can’t wrap my brain around her selfish disregard.

She hardly ever calls our father. He’s on dialysis and depressed. Her excuse is that he knows how to use a phone too. She NEVER answers her phone. She NEVER checks her messages. I had to text 911 in ER KIDNEY FAILURE! while my hands were shaking and the doctors were working on me because she wasn’t answering when the Hospital kept calling. She monitors her calls but reads any texts. I would’ve called my dad but he was at dialysis.

She told me a few years ago, after our mom died that I got all the attention and she got none. I got attention because I’m a screw up. My parents were too worried about me killing myself, getting arrested, and drinking to acknowledge all of her accomplishments. She had to pay her own way through college, (not true), and be “the good one”. My parents helped her with college and she chose to live in a house near campus even though our house was only 15 minutes from the college. This put a strain on my parents finances. Our family was lower middle-class. She didn’t care. I even paid her rent on many occasions when she had spent what my parents had given her. I didn’t go to college. She resented me but didn’t mind taking money from me. I was not allowed to go to her house near the college. I guess I can’t blame her because I was drinking. I wasn’t drunk 24 hours a day 7 days a week. She could’ve had me over for lunch without my turning into a monster and guzzling all the booze in the place. She never answered her phone then either.

When my mother was sick she would moan and cry throughout the night. She couldn’t make it to the bathroom a lot towards the end but refused Adult Diapers. She was embarrassed and we didn’t know just how bad she was. I would have to get up in the middle of the night to clean her and change the bed. I slept little that year. I worked 50 or more hours a week and took care of my mom. My sister was nowhere to be found. She was living with her husband and expecting her first child. She was so happy and excited. My mom was too but she was sad because she wanted to be a part of everything but instead my sister was going to her mother-in-law. It hurt my mom to know this. At the baby shower my mom was put in a corner and made comfortable out of sight. I was furious. Meanwhile all the guests were saying sorry to my sister because it must be so stressful to deal with having your first baby and a sick parent. I wanted to scream “She doesn’t deal! I do!”. But what would be the point? I had a chance to take a vacation at the end of the 5th month of her pregnancy. I didn’t want to go far because of my mom. I decided to ask my sister if she wanted to go to Salem, MA with me for a few days to relax. She was happy and said yes. She was happy because she expected me to pay for everything. Her husband called me to tell me that they didn’t have any money  for her to go with me I would have to pay. I was lonely and overwhelmed so I did.

I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone. I mostly hurt myself. Now I torture myself with memories trying to figure out how I can make things better. The truth is I’ve apologized enough, I’ve paid for the things I’ve done ten times over. I can’t do it anymore.


Dear FDA,

When I go to my Pharmacy I am under the impression that the medications I am getting will not cause me harm. I expect some side effects that my Doctor has warned me about but nothing beyond that. I didn’t expect to see the FDA admit they can’t regulate Generic Medications adequately.

A Generic Medication must deliver the same amount of active ingredients into a patients bloodstream in the same amount of time as the Brand Name drug. Even with guidelines problems are not detected until after a drug is approved. The FDA admits concerns about Extended Release generics and their lack of therapeutic effect. They are “evaluating the issue”.

Irish company Mallinckrodt confirmed that it’s generic version of Concerta was suspected by the FDA to “Not be equivalent to Concerta”. They reclassified it and it’s still on the market. Mallinckrodt could be pressed to “voluntarily” withdraw the medication but that’s it.

The reason I’m going over this is because I take several Generics. One is Amphetamine Salts 30mg. Generic for Adderall. I was getting the brand Teva which was fine. At one point I was switched to another brand and noticed a difference right away. CVS was kind enough to switch them for me. I have Celiac Disease and some generics use gluten as a binder/filler. They won’t admit it but they do. I can’t afford to get glutened right now with my kidneys in danger and other health problems.

This last time I had my prescription filled I didn’t even think to look or say anything because there is a note on my file that I only do well with Teva. I get home and open the bag and see that they are different. The company is Aurobindo Pharma a company in India that has already had several sanctions from the FDA and thousands of complaints from patients. FDA has done nothing. CVS is only dealing with them now. I took them because I really didn’t have a choice. I was right. I’m more depressed, I don’t want to go anywhere, I feel the exact opposite of when I was taking the Teva. My crying and stuttering has increased to the point where I can’t talk to anyone until around 3:00 p.m. It’s horrible. The 29th I go back to the Urologist. I really do not want to be a mess in front of him again. He’s going to be going over some difficult stuff and I have to be able to handle it. He’ll be scheduling my biopsy and going over the procedure which is risky. I can’t fall apart. He already thinks I’m unstable and annoying. Hopefully my sister being there will help.

This is what the drug companies and the FDA don’t understand. If just one of my medications is off it effects everything. If there is gluten in one of them it effects my entire body and brain. As an example I now have Vitamin D resistant Rickets. Who the hell gets Rickets anymore? But because of the Celiac and my immune system I’m at risk for all sorts of odd things. Gluten is in the most unexpected places. It is irresponsible to not let a consumer know that their medication contains something harmful to them because it’s cheaper for the company to make.

I don’t see things changing anytime soon. It will take time. If consumers keep complaining and stand up for their rights maybe something will be done.


Just A Slight Breakdown

I may be a little manic. I went to bed at 4:00 a.m. after speed reading a book, smoking a few cigarettes, drinking plenty of fluids, and being released from the hospital 3 days ago from Kidney Failure.

I haven’t read a book in almost a year, I was and still am obsessed with the fact that I’m not drinking enough water which I hate. My father thinks it’s a contest on who’s sicker, the town is doing construction at the end of my driveway, I saw myself completely naked for the first time, everything is spinning in my head and I never went back on my antidepressants because they don’t know if they contributed to the kidney failure. They haven’t been on the market long enough to know long term side effects.

Safe to say I’m a little manic.

To top it all off today I started sobbing right before my brother-in-law dropped my car off. The door was open so he walked in. He asked if I was ok. I couldn’t even lie. He hugged me and said “Hang in there.” Asked if I needed anything then said “I got my buddy waiting in the street so gotta go, ok?”. What was I going to say? “No, I’m actually thinking of taking one of the jackhammers to the town hall and seeing how they like it and I don’t give a rat’s ass if I get arrested and cry until my kidneys shrivel up.” See not such a great mood. I’ve heard that about kidneys.

My sister keeps asking why I’m making everything so difficult when I only have 2 things to do. Rest and keep hydrated. She forgets I live with the man that didn’t like us staying home sick from school unless blood, a high fever or a trip to the ER was involved. That went for work too. You didn’t take a day because you had a head cold. Never. Bad work ethic. She forgets. Then says “move out” like it’s the easiest thing to do when the man has stood by YOU when he was healthier and could. And she thinks you have money hidden somewhere. Ugh! Sorry! I’m going to read the end of the book from last night again. Delicious Foods I think the title is. I know it’s good but I was speed reading so I didn’t maintain much.


Inheritance

I’ve mentioned previously that Mental Illness and Addiction is rampant on one side of my family. It’s actually quite severe. Scientists should have rounded up my grandmother, her siblings, and all offspring for a study when they had a chance. I’m certainly curious how one family could have so much illness and Addiction. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Brothers, Sisters, Nieces and Nephews. There are only a few that are not touched by it. But even that isn’t true because they were bystanders and effected in some way. We all were. With some I am ashamed to admit it annoyed or pissed me off. Often times my mother was left to deal with her families problems starting at an early age. She quit school in I believe the 6th grade. My grandmother kept having children and one point just left. She was in and out of their lives when she felt like it or needed something. There were 7 of them. My mother the oldest. When she passed away I have to say I felt angry that they weren’t on their knees giving thanks for all she had done for them. I’m being unfair. They took a lot of her time away from her own husband and kids without a second thought. But my mother was a person who gave too much of herself to help others. So much that eventually she had nothing left for herself. She was a fixer. I have learned not everyone can or wants to be fixed. These types of people will take you down with them. If someone is genuinely in need of help and I can , I will.

Both of my nieces have addiction problems and Mental Health problems. One was addicted to heroine and is Bipolar. Her younger sister cuts herself and I am not sure what her addiction is, I have been kept out of the loop on that. She fought hard to graduate high school and there was supposed to be a family party. She relapsed and they cancelled the party. My brother ( her father ) is no help.

For the first time today I broke rules and contacted her to offer support. I’m tired of watching how things are being handled. I’ve watched my sister-in-law do it her way for years now and IT ISN’T WORKING. She is of legal age and can decide who she wants to talk to. I didn’t push, I told her some of my story and that I’m here for her. Well that beautiful little girl of mine poured her heart out. Not really but she said ” Auntie Day I’m in so much pain and I don’t think I can do it anymore”. That’s all I needed to hear to know what point she was at. I’ve been there many times. I told her so. It helped her to know. It helped her to know one relapse doesn’t mean the end. Because I’ve been there too. I’ve had a relapse where I thought screw it and kept drinking for a few more years. And one where I haven’t looked back since, 6 years ago. We need to talk more about relapsing and how it isn’t a death sentence. It feels like one at the time but it doesn’t have to be. If we take the shame and humiliation out of it there would be more success in recovery. You can’t let one bad night ruin the time you put in trying and convince you to give up. I’m so happy I talked to her and we’re having lunch over the weekend. I just hope I’m doing things the right way, with love on my side I have to be.


ROCKFEST 2014 ~ Aaron Lewis

I wasn’t sure where I was going to post this or if I was going to post this. Then I remembered being at a show where Fight was playing. My best friend and I have always loved Rob Halford’s voice. I was close to the stage and someone kept touching my rear end. I would  try to look behind me but we were packed in like sardines. I was getting annoyed and I was drunk. Not a good combination for me or anyone around me at the time. But I was letting it go. That was until the person put his hand between my legs then it wasn’t going to be ignored. Since I couldn’t really move, but knew it was the guy behind me, I made a fist and swung it backwards connecting with his face. He wasn’t happy. Security wasn’t happy and was trying to get to me. I explained what was going on but they didn’t care. I was getting angrier.

At certain shows they didn’t like girls up front or in “the pit” because we got in their way. Bodyslamming was a guy thing. I didn’t spend money to be in the back of the room so these morons could run into each other. Another time we tried to get up front for Pantera. I was doing ok but my Barbie resembling friend wasn’t so I had to take a few elbows to the face to get to her. We were lucky there were some decent guys we knew that got involved to break it up. She was being groped everywhere and I was just getting stomped. Ridiculous times. But when you add alcohol to events like these, and a pack mentality, sometimes it’s what happens. What always bothered me was the acceptance of it.

When I found the YouTube video of Aaron Lewis stopping in the middle of playing to yell at some guys for touching an underage girl while she was body surfing I was blown away. It’s sad that I was because I haven’t seen it happen before. I have been to many, many shows in my time and that was the first time I’ve seen an artist intervene. In a perfect world he wouldn’t have had to but I give him credit for doing it when no one else has that I know of. Others may have but the way he did it was memorable. Maybe more will become aware of the problem.


Accountability, Honesty, and Being Your Own Advocate

Sometimes I forget to hold myself accountable for my actions and words. I also forget to give myself a break. I got myself to where I am today. It’s nice to be able to have the help of music and other things I enjoy. I am grateful that some people have reached out to me. I am grateful that some musicians and artists are honest in their own work. That being said, they are in no way responsible for any of my actions past or present. Or in the future. I can show my gratitude and respect but it doesn’t mean they are responsible for my well being. The only person who is, is me. I may not do the best job at it but it’s still up to me to do it. I am the one who needs to look up new advances in medicine, or side effects of medications, what scientists have found recently, or if my doctor is still the right fit for me.

If you have a doctor that discourages you from reading about an illness you have been diagnosed with than I suggest you look at other doctors. My favorite doctor is a Hematologist who was actually pleasantly surprised at what I knew about Celiac Disease and Bipolar Disorder. It made his job a little easier. He encouraged me to keep reading about my illnesses because medicine is constantly evolving. Too bad my primary care doctor and a few others do not see it that way. They take offense when questioned and rush you out the door without even listening. This is one of the reasons I have not been to a regular doctor in a year. I have only been to my Psychiatrist and had my kidneys tested by one blood test. Which showed something going on but not what. They couldn’t do further testing because it was just to see if I could donate to my dad.

So it’s my own fault that I’m ill. My hair is falling out, I have constant migraines, light hurts my eyes, I have pain in the upper middle of my stomach where my ulcer is and where I get gallbladder pain, I have pain under my right ribcage, my hands and feet swell, my neck and shoulders are almost unbearable, my face hurts whether this is from the two cysts in my sinus cavity or not I don’t know. I’m more and more confused and forget things. I see words rearranged and write them wrong. My skin has too much pigmentation in some areas and not enough in others. I’m probably going through menopause at 42 but a year ago my primary care doc said “no”. Women with Celiac tend to have Polycystic Ovary Disease and go through menopause early. I have always had all the symptoms of Polycystic but no one ever said anything, as usual. I have not had a period in over a year so…….? I’m celibate so unless I was visited by aliens there no other explanation. But it’s ok after April I will go to Boston where there is a Celiac Center and let them do what they want and they can also help with the Bipolar. I’m kind of done complaining with no one listening it’s time to just DO something about it. I don’t want to be on the outside looking in anymore.


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