BLIND RAGE

I just read a post by Pieces of Bipolar that made me face something I’ve been avoiding. My uncontrollable anger or rage. I used to think that I only experienced this while I was drinking. The truth is I only became physical when I was drinking. There are times where I bubble over and explode into a curse laden, head spinning, hate spewing, diatribe.

I honestly never start the explosion. There is usually a trigger. The other person has known there are triggers and warning signs and has continued anyway.

I’m trying not to make excuses but it’s hard. The day I fought with my brother in law I sat in my sister’s car later on and couldn’t remember most of what I said. I couldn’t remember the spittle flying out of my mouth with the words. I didn’t remember threatening him or calling him a “little f*cking man” who didn’t know how to step up and take care of his family. I sat in that car rocking back and forth with the sound of bees in my head and tears streaming down my face. I knew my hands felt hot and tingly and I was shaking.

I recently had a fight with my sister where I said horrible things to her. I called her the C word amongst various other lovely names. Again, my father found me later on the bathroom floor in a puddle of drool. I didn’t remember most of it. I knew it wasn’t good but I didn’t know just how bad it was.

I always thought it was the really crazy people that did these things. This wasn’t me. I wasn’t out of control. But I was. I was. I am.

How do you control it when the people around you refuse to believe or understand what you go through? They yes you to death or say to your face that you’re lying about what you can and can’t control. Some of them want actual scientific proof. My sister would like a note from my Doctors listing what I should and should not be held responsible for.

I have never asked anyone to not hold me accountable for my actions. I do have cognitive issues, trauma issues, that sometimes leave me in state of fear. I may get defensive but I mostly cry too much. I can count how many times I have had outbursts. I do not think it’s a coincidence that I became worse as it got closer to the time I needed my stents changed. Since having them changed my dad has noticed a change in my mood. A change for the better. I still have a fever and an infection but at least the stents are working.

I do have triggers. I know I do. If someone wants to argue with me about AA, or how CBT and writing about their 5 year plan saved their life, then they might want to run in the other direction. I have serious issues with both of these issues. When a Therapist you are meeting for the first time after trying to kill yourself tells you that you need to start a journal of how you see yourself in 5 years, that Therapists needs said journal shoved up their said asses. (Excuse improper language)

If you have had really bad experiences with AA on more than one occasion, but someone still insists on shoving it down your throat knowing how you feel, then you are allowed to explode. They’ve been warned.

If there are sensitive subjects involving your mother’s death but one person insists on visiting her grave constantly and stirring up trouble, get your safety hat on. You were warned. Repeatedly. In writing.

The public and our own families think they know everything there is to know from Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, Oprah, MSNBC, or some TV show that has a Bipolar character. They don’t. They never will. I’m tired of holding my breath waiting for them to get it. I’ll be dead before they do.

I thought my sister finally had when two Psychiatrists told her Bipolar Disorder is one of the worse illnesses to deal with. They wouldn’t wish it on anyone because of the way they see how their patients suffer. How a majority can’t find a balance and don’t make it. You think she would’ve understood things a little more. Because I am in that percentage that is predicted to “not make it”. Sometimes I find that to be a relief.