The diurnal depression is at it’s worse now and I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s the problems I’ve been having with my immune system and kidneys or if the medications just aren’t working.
It’s the same every morning. I have trouble physically getting out of bed. The muscles in my neck and shoulders hurt so bad it’s hard to lift my head from the pillow. I can’t stay in bed because my back and hips hurt too much from arthritis and osteoporosis. So I force myself.
I make myself eat a bowl of cereal even though I have no appetite. I drink water like I’m supposed to with my meds. The stents in the tubes going from my bladder to my kidneys cause me pain. The Urologist that was supposed to call to set up an appointment for a second opinion hasn’t called. It’s been 2 weeks. I called them and still got no response. My Hematologist called and wants to see me. That has me worried. He’s the one that is going to have answers. I tested positive twice for something called MGUS. It’s related to a specific protein in your blood. It also has to do with your white blood cell count and bone marrow. People with this usually get or have Multiple Myeloma.
This morning I was caught crying in the bathroom. My dad was in the basement and could here me. He yelled my name in his scary your in trouble voice. The one that makes the windows rattle. I could hear him throwing his tools and saying “Godamn!” repeatedly.
When I went to tell him goodnight he said “We’re going to have to sit down and talk soon”. I don’t know what he’s going to do. If he wants me to leave I have no place to go. My sister won’t put up with my crying either and I don’t want my nephews to see me like that. I won’t go to a group home. I’ll sleep in my car first.
I tried to explain what was going on. Everyone is sick of hearing it. They think I can turn it on and off at will. I try. I don’t want to live like this. I wish they knew that. I wish they knew how much it hurts.
I’ve been in a bad place for a long time now. If I’m honest more than 6 months. I’m kind of out of options at this point. I’ve tried all the meds available. With my kidneys now damaged and having to go for a biopsy I don’t think the doctor will risk putting me on anything new. I’m at the point where I would consider shock therapy again but again with everything else going on I don’t think they’ll do it. It isn’t just me who is suffering, my father hurts watching me everyday as I get worse. For some reason my crying is off the charts. My speech is getting worse and I don’t want to leave the house. I have no interest in anything I used to. No one can tell me if it’s because of my physical illness or not. I’m scared sometimes. I don’t have the energy to get dressed. I hope an answer is found soon.
When I started this blog it was because I was tired of seeing other blogs filled with sunshine and rainbows. I don’t know what meds they were taking but they certainly weren’t in the same ballpark as mine. In the last 4 to 5 years, I really couldn’t give you an actual number because my memory is shot I have been on a merry go round of medications that would make your head spin. This last one is leaving me with a fight or flight feeling most of the day, I was only paralyzed one more time so far, and my skin is itchy. I want to run away, I want to get dressed up and go to the bar. I want to find everyone who was ever cruel to me and tell them off. I want off this drug.
So I am. I’m taking 10mg of expired Viibryd. My Dr. gets annoyed when a drug he’s pushing doesn’t work for me. I’m not telling him. Maybe an antidepressant wasn’t the way to go. I could feel myself leveling off right before starting the Brintellix. I mostly had the mood stabilizer and Adderall in me. People had noticed that I was talking, and looking better. Adderall doesn’t work on me like it does on other people. It controls my stutter, tremors, and for some reason I cry less. Just like coffee doesn’t make me hyper it calms me down and helps me focus. So I will experiment. I’m tired of being other people’s experiment, or test subject only to be made to feel guilty if it fails. I’m not it discussing with my sister.
When I told her about being paralyzed and having no one notice her response was typical ” Now you know how I felt when I was having my seizures”. To be clear, there was NEVER any evidence that she was having any seizures. She was monitored for 48 hours in the hospital hooked up to machines to record her brainwaves and it showed NOTHING. The doctors all said she was just under stress. Yes, stress can be bad and I’m sorry she was stressed. But it’s apples and oranges. And she knows it. It isn’t a competition to see who as it the worse. I wish she knew that.
I can’t change any of that. I can change what is going on now. I’m lonely with no social skills. I have no idea how to meet people without going to a bar and drinking. This I have to learn how to do. Alone. It scares me. I sit in the parking lot of a nice restaurant saying I’m going to go in sit by myself, have an appetizer and see what happens. What happens is I sit in the parking lot for an hour until I cry then I go home. lol Baby steps. I also have to cut back on the negative music. Blasting Slipknot and Pantera from my speakers while driving just makes me more aggressive. As brilliant as Corey Taylor is I’m going to get in trouble some day. So hopefully I’ll figure some things out soon.
I don’t know if it’s the new medication or just me. In the last hour I have blogged, taken photos, told the police off, yelled at my dad, talked to myself a lot, cried, almost punched the wall and have felt like throwing up.
The police deserved it. The town decided to dig a 20 foot hole at the end of our driveway and not give us any warning. When my father came home from dialysis they were rude to him and made him park far away and walk back to our house. He had a problem at dialysis where his blood pressure dropped and they were going to have to call the ambulance. So I was pissed and went out there and yelled at them. Of course I sounded crazy because I think my words were a little slurred but you don’t treat an elderly sick man like that. I don’t care who you are. Meanwhile my father is in the house thinking they’re going to look up my name and see I’m Bipolar and have been in trouble before and I’m probably going to get tazered.
I made nice with them and just explained that he’s very ill and we can’t be boxed in. I still had this overwhelming feeling to hit someone. I used to get like that when I was drinking years ago. All you had to do was look at me, that’s it, just look at me. It’s only day 2 so I have to give it time. This weekend is hard anyway. I know people go out of their way to not talk to me because they’re having parties or gatherings and feel uncomfortable about me. So they just avoid me instead of dealing with me. They either don’t want me around the alcohol, past people that might be there or my babbling. I spend the summer alone. I am not the Incredible Hulk ready to start guzzling your Vodka while turning green and busting out of my clothes. I’m pretty secure in my Sobriety of 6 years and want to see 7.