The diurnal depression is at it’s worse now and I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s the problems I’ve been having with my immune system and kidneys or if the medications just aren’t working.
It’s the same every morning. I have trouble physically getting out of bed. The muscles in my neck and shoulders hurt so bad it’s hard to lift my head from the pillow. I can’t stay in bed because my back and hips hurt too much from arthritis and osteoporosis. So I force myself.
I make myself eat a bowl of cereal even though I have no appetite. I drink water like I’m supposed to with my meds. The stents in the tubes going from my bladder to my kidneys cause me pain. The Urologist that was supposed to call to set up an appointment for a second opinion hasn’t called. It’s been 2 weeks. I called them and still got no response. My Hematologist called and wants to see me. That has me worried. He’s the one that is going to have answers. I tested positive twice for something called MGUS. It’s related to a specific protein in your blood. It also has to do with your white blood cell count and bone marrow. People with this usually get or have Multiple Myeloma.
This morning I was caught crying in the bathroom. My dad was in the basement and could here me. He yelled my name in his scary your in trouble voice. The one that makes the windows rattle. I could hear him throwing his tools and saying “Godamn!” repeatedly.
When I went to tell him goodnight he said “We’re going to have to sit down and talk soon”. I don’t know what he’s going to do. If he wants me to leave I have no place to go. My sister won’t put up with my crying either and I don’t want my nephews to see me like that. I won’t go to a group home. I’ll sleep in my car first.
I tried to explain what was going on. Everyone is sick of hearing it. They think I can turn it on and off at will. I try. I don’t want to live like this. I wish they knew that. I wish they knew how much it hurts.