When I started this blog it was because I was tired of seeing other blogs filled with sunshine and rainbows. I don’t know what meds they were taking but they certainly weren’t in the same ballpark as mine. In the last 4 to 5 years, I really couldn’t give you an actual number because my memory is shot I have been on a merry go round of medications that would make your head spin. This last one is leaving me with a fight or flight feeling most of the day, I was only paralyzed one more time so far, and my skin is itchy. I want to run away, I want to get dressed up and go to the bar. I want to find everyone who was ever cruel to me and tell them off. I want off this drug.
So I am. I’m taking 10mg of expired Viibryd. My Dr. gets annoyed when a drug he’s pushing doesn’t work for me. I’m not telling him. Maybe an antidepressant wasn’t the way to go. I could feel myself leveling off right before starting the Brintellix. I mostly had the mood stabilizer and Adderall in me. People had noticed that I was talking, and looking better. Adderall doesn’t work on me like it does on other people. It controls my stutter, tremors, and for some reason I cry less. Just like coffee doesn’t make me hyper it calms me down and helps me focus. So I will experiment. I’m tired of being other people’s experiment, or test subject only to be made to feel guilty if it fails. I’m not it discussing with my sister.
When I told her about being paralyzed and having no one notice her response was typical ” Now you know how I felt when I was having my seizures”. To be clear, there was NEVER any evidence that she was having any seizures. She was monitored for 48 hours in the hospital hooked up to machines to record her brainwaves and it showed NOTHING. The doctors all said she was just under stress. Yes, stress can be bad and I’m sorry she was stressed. But it’s apples and oranges. And she knows it. It isn’t a competition to see who as it the worse. I wish she knew that.
I can’t change any of that. I can change what is going on now. I’m lonely with no social skills. I have no idea how to meet people without going to a bar and drinking. This I have to learn how to do. Alone. It scares me. I sit in the parking lot of a nice restaurant saying I’m going to go in sit by myself, have an appetizer and see what happens. What happens is I sit in the parking lot for an hour until I cry then I go home. lol Baby steps. I also have to cut back on the negative music. Blasting Slipknot and Pantera from my speakers while driving just makes me more aggressive. As brilliant as Corey Taylor is I’m going to get in trouble some day. So hopefully I’ll figure some things out soon.