HARD TRUTHS~ SUICIDE

I have not thought seriously about harming myself in years. Until a few weeks ago when I refilled my prescription for Generic Topamax. It was a completely different shape and size but the name of the company was the same. The pill went from a small round salmon colored one to a large oblong light pink horse pill. I didn’t have much of a choice because you can’t stop it cold turkey. I use it as a mood stabilizer and it helps with my stuttering and other neurological issues.

It’s obviously not the same as the one I was taking. I started to feel irritated, extremely depressed, and slowly a feeling of such grief and pain in my chest I couldn’t take it. A constant voice telling me I wasn’t good enough, I was a mistake and never should’ve been born, people were right to think I’m a loser and I serve no purpose on this Planet. My own twin isn’t capable of loving me so why am I here? I wanted to drink the pain away, hop a plane to a place with the most dive bars and drink until I died. I heard whispers from the past telling me words I never wanted to hear again. I curled up in a corner and cried until I blacked out 3 times.

All of this mostly due to a pharmaceutical company cutting corners or my one kidney has gotten a lot worse and isn’t processing the medication properly. It might be both.

Last night I only took half of one so 100mg instead of 200mg and today is a little better. I’m not hearing whispering or crying as much. The biggest problem is I can’t speak. I can’t form a sentence. My balance is off so I am falling into things which is bad when you live in a house filled with antiques and 2 small dogs. If I close my eyes while I’m standing I’ll hit the floor. I have to be careful how I move my neck and head, any sudden change in pressure and I either get a sharp pain like an axe in my head or I fall down. Some of this I don’t think is medication related which kind of scares me more.

Part of me doesn’t want to know. I was supposed to be having regular brain scans since 2008 but none of my Doctors followed up. It’s because there was swelling in one area and hyperintensity in another. The overall loss of gray and white matter was so unusual that it was suggested I be monitored due to that also. Then you have the lovely cysts in my sinus cavity that are actually on the border of where the sinus cavity meets the brain. And all of my excellent Doctors never bothered to follow up.

One more problem is my neck. When I wake up it feels like it’s broken. I have a high tolerance for alcohol and pain so when I say it’s that bad it’s bad. When I told my best friend she yelled at me and started crying. I forgot her mom has Degenerative Disc Disease like I do but hers was mostly in her neck. She had to wear a brace and was unable to move her neck for a year or she would be paralyzed. They had to replace bones with cadaver bone it was hard to watch. So W is afraid this is going to happen to me and was mad that I was brushing it off. I’m just so tired of Doctors I don’t want to go to anymore, I don’t want to find out anything new.

At least now, unlike years ago, I know I have an illness. There are slivers of sanity that break through and let me know that this isn’t me. I’m thankful for that. Ten or fifteen years ago I would’ve drank and I would’ve tried to hurt myself which is why no one should have to go 20 years before getting a correct diagnosis or a diagnosis at all.when-the-brain-dies-first-16-728

Advertisements

PSYCHEDELICS IN MENTAL HEALTH & WHERE’S DAVE?

I shouldn’t keep bothering poor Dave. I’m going to wind up with a restraining order when actually I’m just worried. I don’t want to date him, marry him, touch him (maybe his hair) or anything I just recognize the look in someone’s eyes that I’ve seen in my own.

Psychedelics are the new “IT” drug/treatment for Trauma/Addiction/Depression, the problem is there isn’t enough recent research on the effects of Psychedelics on different disorders to make it a sure thing.

From 1949 to 1973 there were 21 studies published involving a total of 423 patients. Only 4 of the studies used control groups and descriptions of the patients were not very specific. They didn’t differentiate between patients with depression or anxiety disorders. Most of the studies were done on inpatients who knew they were getting a psychedelic drug beforehand. This causes the person to have expectations or preconceptions before the study even started.

What researchers can agree on is that it does help with treating alcoholism/addiction. But funding for more recent research probably won’t happen. Psychedelics are not patentable so there’s no money to be made, patients would only have to take single doses rather then repeated doses. This means less money for Pharmaceutical Companies and they won’t let that happen.

James Rucker, MD, MRCPsych, PhD, of the King’s College London Institute of Psychiatry has done some recent research and gone over all of the old research. The one thing that is concerning is the recent research that suggests patients with a history of Bipolar Disorder, Psychosis, First degree relatives with Psychosis, histories of self harm or suicide attempts should be excluded from Psychedelic use.

People with Mood Disorders have been known to feel “self aware, enlightened or feel they see the world differently” but only for a short time before they enter into a depressive episode.

I’ve researched this extensively and this was the first time I had read this information. I have to say that it makes sense to me from people I know that have tried it.

The brain is so complex without further studies it’s too risky for me.

 

WAIT WHILE MY LAZY ASS TRIES NOT TO GET THROUGH THIS MANIC DEPRESSION

Manic Depression isn’t as fun as it sounds. I’m more irritable, short tempered, thoughts spin at a rapid pace and none of them are good. I also talk more and cry more, and I’m impulsive. My stutter will come and go as it pleases set off by the tiniest thing. I’m more aware of what’s going on and feel guilty about it. I also feel I’ve let everyone down once again because I can’t/won’t control myself/behavior.

When my family reads or watches something about mental illness that discusses how we benefit from exercise, breathing techniques, and CBT tools they then look at me and wonder why I’m still the same.

No one takes into account that I have more than one mental illness and autoimmune problems. I also have Chronic Kidney Disease and only 1 remaining kidney. I went into menopause way too early at 36/37 and this messes with so much of your bodies hormones and chemicals in your brain. By the way NONE of my doctors have ever questioned it which I find odd. They haven’t questioned the fact that I’ve gone from 5′ 7″ to 5′ 5″ in less than 2 years either. Or that my new body temperature is between 93-94 degrees. I find all of this odd but none of them do. Before anyone tells me to try new doctors I’ve been to so many including the best in Boston only to here “You’re definitely sick we just don’t know the exact cause”. Thanks for nothing.

I can’t exercise when every single joint hurts, I have arthritis throughout my entire body but it’s worse in my hips and spine. My neck constantly feels like it’s broken and my head feels swollen all the time. That could be the 2 cysts that way up inside my sinus cavity close to my brain that no one has bothered to check since 2008. Or the swelling in my brain that no one has bothered to check since 2008. One Doctor said I was looking at hip replacement soon and that was 8 years ago. But let me jog this depression off so you can feel better around me.

I had 2 good days that I knew wouldn’t last when I woke up this morning crying. I had dream that was really a memory. The same one I always have. The chair hits me over the head, I’m pinned to the floor, punched in the face over and over, I feel like I’m drowning in my own blood, I fly down a flight of stairs, and then I’m standing there soaked in blood and no one helps me. My blond hair is stained red and I will have a scar under my chin from a skull ring.

What made me cry this morning was thinking about how my best friend allowed this person into her home recently for a cook out. I’m not invited to cook outs. To be fair he wasn’t invited either but he wasn’t asked to leave. How could she sit there looking at him knowing how much he had hurt me? Seeing the clothes I had to throw away? Her boyfriend loves me like a sister and I can’t believe if he knew who the guy was he would’ve let him stay. I’m hurt and angry. I’m really angry. If I had known he was there I probably would’ve showed up and tried to grille his face. Sorry I shouldn’t say that. I wouldn’t have the strength anyway. I’m just hurt.

Letting go is hard and forgiving is sometimes not possible.

I’ll try to think of my two good days and hope for more.

BACK ON MY KNEES AGAIN

Dealing with other Mental Health Advocates is not always pleasant. Everyone has their own opinions and agendas. Some people just want attention or to feel better by making other people feel worse. Mental Illness isn’t one size fits all. No two brains are the same and no two people are the same (my twin can tell you that if she decides to take your phone call).

I tried to show kindness to someone and it came back to bite me. The subject was “Hope”. The man was clearly upset and frustrated by the over use of the word because he still does not feel better. He was being attacked by other people who had found “Recovery” and “Hope”. I found myself defending him because I understand how it feels when you see only positive sites and Tweets. You feel like a failure and ask yourself why can’t you be like everyone else once again.

I’ve already spent most of my life feeling like I didn’t fit in I don’t need to feel that way at 44 years of age. I refuse and I won’t be bullied into it either.

Do your research. Some people will never find relief from their illness for various reasons. A late diagnosis, wrong medications given to them before the right diagnosis, autoimmune diseases, kidney disease, brain issues, co occurring mental illnesses, the list goes on. Educate yourself before you decide someone is lazy and doesn’t want to do the work to get better.

I’m losing patience fast and Serotonin is building up in my system so it go either way. My organs will fail or my head will explode from the injustice I see everyday. I’m okay with either at this point I’ve actually done more than most in my life.

Not many can say they went to a wedding with a member of Green Day and actually know one of them or the fun I had in L.A. and the people I met. The crazy situations I’ve been in and the weirdest people I’ve known. Who robs a bank and only takes the change? With no car? Walks home in the middle of the night with bags of change? People I know. Or the guy Manson I knew for years, turns out that wasn’t even his name! everyone called him that because he looked like Charles Manson! Poor Ricky who wore women’s Daisy Duke shorts with nothing else underneath (he could get away with it because he was bulked up from prison and tan from working on boats) but he had 10 kids with 10 different girls and went back to prison every winter. Last time I saw him he had lost his charm from heroin.

Anyway I’ve been able to travel and meet a few of my favorite bands. At one time I had too many friends and went out every night so it’s okay I’m good with whatever happens.

I’D BE LYING IF I SAID I WAS OKAY

Something is very wrong and I don’t know what it is. I’m a different person from day to day, hour to hour and I never know when the change will come. My joints hurt, I have severe headaches, one minute I’m with my Dad at the mechanic’s and the next I’m screaming at him and I start to walk home. I only made it to the shopping mall up the street before my legs gave out and I sat there crying. This isn’t normal.

What part of it is Bipolar or Conversion Disorder? What part of it is my medications? What part of it is actually me? Because I don’t know anymore and the only two people I have are giving up on me.

I’m tired of Doctors not being able to give me a real answer. The Psychiatrist wants to change medications again when I think it’s stupid to do if no one can tell me how my 1 kidney is processing the medications. If it’s building up in my system than why would you want to just give me a different pill? And he keeps saying there isn’t a way to tell when I know they can do blood work. The Kidney Doctors are no better they give me the same answer so does the Gastrologist. I’m tired of it. How many states do I have to go to? How many times do I have to hear “We really don’t know”. I’m not going to pay you anymore then if you really don’t know. What’s the point?

I can’t function. I can’t talk half the time. My dog now is sensitive to what triggers episodes. Today my Dad started to get into a topic that upsets me and the dog jumped in his lap and started growling then howling at him until he stopped talking. He also knows when I’m more than down he’ll press the side of face into mine until it hurts, smushing our cheekbones together. It does make me laugh. That’s one good thing.

PRETTY LITTLE PILLS

Thump, thump, thump, is all I hear lately. It makes me uncomfortable and sad when I hear it for hours at a time. It’s a young boy playing basketball by himself everyday for hours on end. I’ve never seen him with anyone else he’s always alone. Being who I am I cry. For all I know he likes being alone and is perfectly fine with it. I’ve projected my own feelings into the situation. I do this often.

In the morning I talk a lot. I’m not sure why. When I have no one to talk to or I know I’m bothering someone I feel so horrible and embarrassed. Some of it is the medications but not all of it.

Actually I have no idea anymore what’s the medications and what’s me because still no one can tell me how all of these medications are breaking down in my system, if they’re breaking down at all, or if they’re building up into toxic levels. Serotonin Syndrome is a possibility but who knows?

I was thinking of surgery where they remove a section of the brain dealing with feelings and speech. I think the people around me would be much happier. I know I would be.

I admitĀ I have abandonment issues. I’m not sure if I’ve ever really admitted it. It’s always been there since I was very young. I never wanted to leave my parents side even to be babysat by a relative. They used to use my Grandfather on mom’s side and every single time I would get sick. I threw up in his new van once and he wasn’t happy. I was probably 5. He was the one that forgot me at the carwash and no one came to get me for 2 hours. I’m not sure if this is the cause of the problem but I don’t think it helped.

I can’t take the roller coaster of feelings constantly going on to the extreme. I’m never just happy or sad. It’s either super excited my head’s going to explode or so hopeless I see no point in anything or anyone. There’s no middle ground ever.

I can’t keep dwelling on “if they had only diagnosed me sooner” because they didn’t and I have to deal with it now. Has it made everything harder? Yes. My physical health doesn’t help either. When you have autoimmune problems it changes everything. Your kidneys are pretty important when taking medications if you only have one of course it’s going to change the way medications work. I did the research myself and called the drug companies. I no longer wait for a Doctor to tell me anything. If I did I would be dead by now.

The medications do work a little bit for a short time but it doesn’t help that CVS keeps changing manufacturers. They are not all the same. I’ve felt a huge difference taking this new generic of Adderall it’s awful. It’s neon pink and the company has had class action suits brought against it several times. No one really cares when you’re on Medicare for Disability that’s Mental Health related what quality of medications you receive.

The Pharmacists know by the medications you take what your problem is. If you go to the same Pharmacy often on too good days and on really bad days, the first few times they understand. After awhile you start to notice the rolling of eyes when you approach, they don’t greet you like they used to, they make you wait longer than other people in line even though you were there first, and they act busy if you have a question. It becomes harder to ignore these things not just from strangers but from your family too.

That’s why I figure if I can’t feel anymore it won’t be so bad. If I stop talking too much maybe people won’t mind being around me sometimes. 48d7ba3841d0261ea7e2c947ad1ab86b

 

FLAGGED, DR. DREW, DARK MATTER RADIO, DOCTORS

I’ve noticed lately when I view the source for my Blog that items have been flagged. I’m not sure why this is but it concerns me. Should I be flagged for honesty or what I perceive is true? Should I lie about my life as a Bipolar person and living with Conversion Disorder? Should I lie about the mistakes Doctors have made or how I’ve been treated by the health system?

I don’t intend to start lying or sugar coating anything. This is the one place I don’t have to.

I’ve come across several Doctors who for some reason or another did not like a medication I was on and refused to give it to me while I was staying at their Hospital. The medications were not the kind you can just stop without serious side effects, one of them being seizures. They did anyway.

Dr. Drew believes if you are and addict/alcoholic you should not be given any medication similar to Klonopin or Adderall. He will be discussing such matters on Dark Matter Radio tomorrow night. Dr. Drew is an addiction specialist with a track record that isn’t the greatest. You only have to watch Celebrity Rehab to see that for yourself.

The biggest problem I have is Dr. Drew blaming Chris Cornell’s suicide on Ativan. He said he never should’ve been given the medication at all. What I want to ask Dr. Drew is has he ever been diagnosed with a mental illness? If not he has no idea what he’s talking about.

Cornell had talked about depression with periods of being over excited and loving everything and then having that feeling disappear in an instant starting when he was 12 years old. By the way men usually show symptoms of Bipolar Disorder at this age. He also began drinking around the age of 12 to numb or self medicate.

Once again every Doctor who sees a person with an addiction doesn’t dig further to see what’s behind the addiction so the underlying illness is never really treated.

In Chris Cornell’s case he may have been taking medications for mental illness, he had severe anxiety but like most people who take antidepressants or antipsychotics doctors will also prescribe something so you are not a zombie who drools all day. Most of these medications make you feel like you’re floating under water in slow motion. It isn’t fun. Without Adderall I wouldn’t be able to make it down the stairs or have a conversation. Without Klonopin my ulcers would be back and I would be back to dry heaving daily. Neither is any way to live.

No one has the right to say what medications are the right ones for you. Only you and your Doctor can decide that. If you are happy with them and can function on any kind of a “normal” level I say “Good luck! I wish I was you”. And “Screw ’em” to the people who disagree.