I wanted to start by saying that I have not celebrated a Halloween in years. When I woke up this morning and went on Facebook (my first mistake) to see if my Hair Stylist answered my question about her flat iron I burst into tears.
I saw my best friend dressed up hanging out with another couple having fun. It was at a local place. I could’ve handled being there and not drinking. After 6 and half years and after just going through kidney failure. The want is gone, the need is gone. The only things left are hurt and anger at being left out.
The last Halloween we were all together I admit wasn’t exactly pleasant. It was my best friend with her boyfriend, her boyfriend’s best friend and his girlfriend, then me. So I was odd man out. I was also 250 pounds with bleach blond curly long hair and blue eyes. My best friend- 5’8″ thin with a nice figure, long strawberry blond straight hair with some blond in it. The other girl- 5’6″ thin with a nice figure, shoulder length dark straight hair and a tan. Why am I describing everyone? You’ll see.
Everyone was laughing and joking at first. My friend was dressed as a “sexy pirate” and the other girl was a “sexy cop”. I really didn’t do costumes. There were never any at the store and felt like it was putting lipstick on a pig.
The other guy says “let’s get the 2 SEXY GIRLS TOGETHER for a picture”. That meant NOT ME. Ok I’m sensitive. But there were only 4 of us in the room. Him and us 3 girls. So it was obvious. I know that he wasn’t thinking and didn’t say it to be rude. He just thought of me as one of the guys as usual. To feel better I drank more that night. I had to drink way more than usual, I just couldn’t get it out of my head. This caused me to be sarcastic and a bitch. I think I was thrown out. Instead of saying “Hey you know I’m sitting right here. You’re being a d*ck.” I just drank it all down.
The problem was I would’ve done anything to be able to wear a “sexy” costume over those years. You know how many concerts I went to in jeans and a “nice” top because I couldn’t wear what the other girls were wearing? In the long run this worked for me. But that’s beside the point.
When I used to pray I would tell God he could have 10 years of my life if I could just be pretty and normal.
I’m 130 pounds, 5’6″ with long red hair and a very pretty shade of blue eyes, like the ocean. I am now called “pretty”. The man at that Halloween Party didn’t know who I was recently and called me “hot”. I ignore all of it. It wasn’t done through exercise or eating right. It happened because of Sobriety, Celiac Disease, Bipolar Medications and whatever other illnesses I have. It’s no victory. Except the Sobriety part.
So even though some might say I’m pretty, I’m still 42 and definitely not “normal”. Sometimes I’m ok with this and sometimes I’m not. It’s only when I see my “bestfriend” out having fun when she tells me she never does anything that I’m hurt. I need to start using something other than best friend. Maybe an old acquaintance.