‘CAUSE I KNOW ALL YOUR VICES (Adult Content)

October marked my 11th year of not having sex of any kind. I was sick, tired, working, taking care of dying parents, sober, there are a million excuses. I really just didn’t want to get hurt anymore.

Fear of rejection, no self-esteem, and a constant feeling of not being good enough, all play their part as well. My body image could use a boost too.

I was 270 pounds for most of my adult life, going down to 119 pounds in 6-7 months then gradually gaining weight over the last year hasn’t left me feeling excited to be seen naked.

When you’re Bipolar with Complex PTSD you have an extremely hard time trusting people, you don’t think people are being honest, that they have a hidden agenda which includes hurting you in some way.

What happens when you meet someone who makes you feel special and safe?

Well if you’re me you pull back and think of running because it’s too good to be true.

For some reason this time I didn’t.

We had been messaging when I said: “It’s difficult to find people who are into the same things I am”. He took this to mean sexually and described to me what he’s into.

I wasn’t shocked. I kind of got that vibe anyway and finding someone to accept all of you and doesn’t want to change you isn’t easy. I know this and that’s why I don’t judge.

He likes BDSM which I have experimented with when I was younger.

There are a few things that I’m not comfortable with because they’re triggers for me.

I don’t know if I want to tell him more about my past than he already knows. He knows I’m Bipolar but doesn’t know about the Complex PTSD, Conversion Disorder, or the cause of it. At least I don’t think he does. I did confide more than usual to someone we both know and unfortunately I don’t know if I can trust them. One of the many reasons I haven’t talked to any of the same people we know since the beginning of September.

I don’t like not knowing how someone really feels. Are we acquaintances? Friends? Friends but we’ll see how it goes when you get back? Will you even want to see me in person? I try to ask these questions but I’m scared of the answers. I feel like I’m waiting for something that probably isn’t going to happen, whether we hang out as friends or something else. It isn’t a good feeling.

It was your hug that made me feel safe, comfortable and a lot of other feelings I haven’t felt in a very long time.

When you held my gaze I felt like the only person in the room.

A part of me is afraid that none of it is real.

I won’t do one night stands anymore. I don’t necessarily mean I want a traditional relationship either. Maybe I don’t know what I want except answers.

I don’t want to be another woman on your phone that I do know.