Author Archives: darie73

About darie73

I'm a daughter, a sister, and an Aunt. I've worked in the Hair Industry, Jewelry Manufacturing, and Retail Management. I'm also an Alcoholic, diagnosed Bipolar, Conversion Disorder, Anxiety, Celiac Disease, and other health issues. I talk about all of these things as honestly as I can. The stigma, medications, doctors, family problems, support or lack of support. I advocate for people like me, animals, and anyone else who feels like they don't have a voice. These are my opinions, I just ask that readers be respectful. Haven't we all been kicked enough when we are down? It's time to change that.


Sometimes I want to rage at everyone, all the liars, the manipulators, the insensitive ones, the ones who can’t look me in the eye or make time for me.

It was easy when I drank to release the beast inside. I screamed, threw things, swung my fists at the nearest offender.

The problem is there will always be a bigger, badder, beast than you. When that day comes it changes you.

You swallow any anger, rage, resentment, fear, sadness, for as long as you can. You are too afraid to release any of it because of that one moment you were crushed, broken into a million pieces.

There was nothing left of you after that. Your smile never quite reached your eyes again, your laughter sounded forced, fake, at least to your own ears. No one else noticed you just going through the motions. No one noticed how jumpy you became when a door slammed or voices were raised. How you had to have your back to a wall so you could see every person coming and going. NO ONE NOTICED.

They now notice a sliver of the beast creeping out here and there. Eventually you get full, you can only swallow so much.

What happens when the beast is set completely free? Self-destruction is the only hand I have left to play.

Everyone has gone. I stayed silent too long or not long enough depending on who you ask.




I went into Kidney Failure again, I should’ve recognized the signs but didn’t. All they could do is get rid of the excess fluid backed up in my one good kidney. They couldn’t do much else because I’m too sick to operate on right now. They sent me home late yesterday.

My white blood cell count and red blood cell count are both down, my blood pressure is would suggest I’m already dead, my temperature was 100 degrees but is now staying at 94 degrees. I have a headache that would make a Super Hero cry, I can’t even tell you about my sinuses and phlegm problem because I still hope to have at least 1 date before I die.

As usual I couldn’t reach my twin sister to tell her I was in the ICU. My Dad is also sick right now so he couldn’t be with me. She did text me back eventually. After I got out of the Hospital.

I haven’t talked out loud to anyone very much in the last year. My Dad is usually miserable and I’m afraid I’ll set him off. My twin sister doesn’t answer her phone but will sometimes send me a text. I told her today that I’m having trouble with the loneliness, I’m talking to myself, Dad’s yelling at me constantly and it would be nice to just talk about current events or TV shows we both watch because it’s bad.

She sent me a text 3 hours later that she “had” to nap a lot today but she “might” give me a call later.

I’m really feeling done.

When I mentioned I might spend 6 months to a year in Florida with my Aunt all of a sudden my Dad says he has no money and needs more money from me for bills. I’ve given him $2,000 in the last month and a half. There went the money I was going to use towards my lease/rental. I know it’s on purpose and he has money.

No one wants to be around me, no one wants to talk to me, but they don’t want me to leave.

My entire life they never had a problem leaving me behind. In many different ways. Physically and emotionally.

I’m always watching from behind trying to catch up, trying to belong, jumping up and down whispering “pick me, pick me”, they never have and after this long I don’t think they ever will. loneliness-wide



Kidneys are 2 bean shaped organs about the size of a fist. They’re located just below the rib cage, one on each side of the spine. They filter about 120-150 quarts of blood to produce about 1-2 quarts of urine.


Blood enters the kidneys through an artery from the heart. The blood is then cleaned by passing through millions of tiny blood filters. Waste material passes through the ureter and is stored in the bladder as urine. Newly cleaned blood returns to the bloodstream by way of veins. When the bladder becomes full the urine passes out of the body through the urethra.


Diabetes and High Blood Pressure are the most common reasons for Chronic Kidney Disease (CKD) or Kidney Failure.

What many people don’t know is that over the counter painkillers and illegal drugs like heroin also damage the kidneys. 3-5% of new cases of CKD each year is caused by the overuse of painkillers like NSAIDS.

Drinking large amounts of dark colored soft drinks is also linked to to a higher risk of developing CKD. Early detection can help prevent the progression of kidney disease to kidney failure.

There are also inherited diseases, autoimmune diseases and malformations that occur while a baby develops in the womb that cause a narrowing that prevents a normal outflow of urine and causes urine to flow back up to the kidneys damaging them in the process.


The color of your urine says a lot about your kidney health.

  • Clear/Pale yellow: Good means you’re well hydrated
  • Dark Yellow: Dehydrated
  • Pink/Reddish: Can be caused by food or blood in your urine
  • Foaming/Fizzy: Protein is in your urine and is an early sign of kidney disease

There should never be protein in your urine. If your Doctor finds protein in your urine more than once it means CKD is present. Do not dismiss this finding.


It isn’t just Lithium that damages your liver and kidneys. Long term use of most psychiatric medications can cause kidney damage. Prozac is the one listed the most. Cholesterol medications have also been known to damage the kidneys.


My Primary Care Doctor had told me several times over the years that there was blood and protein in my urine. She eventually sent me to a specialist who said “Sometimes people just have blood and protein in their urine”. This is false. 

I began to lose weight rapidly and had no appetite. My Doctor saw my weight loss as a good thing because I was 250 pounds. She also assumed it was due to my Bipolar medications. I had lost 50 pounds in 2 months. I continued to lose weight and my blood pressure became extremely low. Still, no one around me said anything. Not even when my weight reached 119 pounds and I had trouble just standing up.

No one said “You look great!” or “You look like a skeleton” they said nothing. I know why my sister didn’t say anything, she was upset that I weighed less than she did. She actually told me this later. What everyone else’s excuse was I don’t know. To lose that much weight in less than year and not think something is wrong seems odd to me.

Then one day I woke up and both my feet were quadruple in size. I was shocked. I knew it was a bad sign so I drove myself to the ER. The Doctor there told me I needed to call my family and have them get there as soon as possible, then he asked if I wanted to sign a DNR and see a Priest. I couldn’t reach any of my family before I crashed and everything was out of my hands. The Doctor ignored my DNR which was a good thing I guess.

There were so many missed signs and symptoms that went ignored by my Primary Care Doctor. Dealing with all of the doctors after wasn’t fun either. No one knew why I went into kidney failure. In the end I was left with 1 working kidney. It functions now at 67-68% but has Hydronephrosis which means it’s swollen twice it’s normal size. I will get progressively worse until I need dialysis or die.

My Bipolar medications and the medications I take for Social Phobia, PTSD, and Conversion Disorder, never really work right because my body isn’t filtering them the way it should. They either build up in my system so I have too much or I get none at all.

The worse part is my illnesses can’t be seen so most people think I’m lazy or want attention.

The fact is I’m dying. I’m sick all the time. If it isn’t my body it’s my brain. I’m tired of trying to make people understand.

I miss laughing with my best friend, I miss going out, I miss a lot of things.il_570xN.1221202833_1udl




Misdiagnosis And Medications

I’ve taken a break from everything lately. I’ve been dealing with someone pretending to be “Steven Tyler” who somehow got my cell phone number and was using Google Hangouts to repeatedly send me messages. I didn’t even know what Google Hangouts was. Then he started texting my actual phone after I blocked him on the Google App. It took weeks to get it to stop. I still don’t understand what the end game was. He wasn’t asking for money or anything like that it was just creepy. I have to say it triggered a lot for me. Unfortunately this wasn’t the first time. Anytime an actual verified celebrity has liked a comment I’ve made or followed me this has happened. So I will try not to make any intelligent comments that musicians find interesting. Thank you very much stalkers.


I’ve had my fair share of doctors who have misdiagnosed an illness I have. I also had many doctors miss a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder for 20 years. What makes me angry is my Dad. A few years ago he was having severe headaches and went to the ER. The doctor did an X-ray of his head and told him he had Temporal Arteritis. He was put on a high dose of Prednisone for a year. It was hard to get him off it. He became a different person. He was aggressive, moody, confused, unsteady on his feet, and looked bloated. It was the aggression I had a hard time with.

The only way to diagnose Temporal Arteritis is to have a biopsy, you can not tell by looking at an X-ray. My Dad refuses to believe anything I tell him. When his headaches started again recently he called his GP and asked him for Prednisone. The GP gave it to him. I’ve been staying in my room ever since.

His blood pressure has been dangerously high after dialysis. 208/140 high. They can’t stop his bleeding when they take out the needles. This is all from the Prednisone. Which by the way actually says to tell your Doctor if you have: Kidney Disease, Heart Disease, High Blood Pressure, Cataracts, Stomach Ulcers, a History of Stomach Bleeding, or Depression.

He has all of these! He has mesh in his stomach for an Aortic Aneurysm that’s already been repaired once!

Are these people stupid? I know the Hippocratic Oath isn’t legally binding but do they care if they kill someone?

The other day the dialysis center wouldn’t give him his treatment. They said his fistula was clogged. A Doctor came over and asked what was wrong. He looked down and noticed there was knot in the tube. He fixed it and went about his business. They were going to send my Dad for surgery he didn’t need because there was a kink in the tube that no one noticed!! And the Head Doctor acted like it was no big deal.

I read a study today that said a patient has 42% higher chance of a misdiagnosis if the Doctor thinks they’re “difficult” or “needy”.

They suggested patients be more positive when meeting with Doctors for the first time so this doesn’t happen.

Hey, sorry if I ask questions or cry because I’ve already been to 5 other Doctors who couldn’t/wouldn’t help me but let me make this more comfortable for you while I’m literally dying.

Here’s and idea, DO YOUR JOB! No one forced you to go to medical school you chose to go. If you chose to go only for the money than you should quit now because times have changed.

One more thing. No Doctor should be prescribing medications or making a diagnosis they are not qualified to make. Dr, Drew isn’t a Psychiatrist so he shouldn’t be making psychiatric diagnoses. A General Practitioner can’t diagnose Conversion Disorder. You need a Team to do that. A Psychiatrist, a Neurologist, and a doctor who specializes in Movement Disorders.

Your Psychiatrist should also have a degree in Psychopharmacology so they know how medications work, which ones work for different disorders and which only make them worse.

Advocate for yourself because no one else will.hippocratic


The Above Ground Charity Event is being presented by Dave Navarro and Billy Morrison in partnership with Revolver Gallery. The event is to raise awareness and funds for the treatment of mental health. Two iconic albums will be played in their entirety with an all star band and special guests. The event takes place at The Belasco Theater 1050 S. Hill St. Los Angeles, CA, Monday April 16th. Tickets are on sale now from ticketmaster and livenation. Proceeds donated to MusiCares.

This is an event I would love to attend. I’m just not sure it’s a good idea. My physical health isn’t the greatest but I could also feel worse because of my environment. I have flown to California alone before but I’ve never spent time alone there. It’s a decision making time and I’m not good at decisions. lol


Roughly 50% of people with a severe mental illness are also affected by substance abuse.

What is considered “severe mental illness”?

  • Bipolar Disorder
  • Schizophrenia
  • Major Depressive Disorder
  • Borderline Personality Disorder
  • Social Anxiety Disorder
  • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Mental Illness is caused by a combination of genetics (your family history), your environment, and other outside factors.

37% of alcohol abusers and 53% of drug abusers also have at least one serious mental illness.

Alcohol and drug abuse are often used to self-medicate the symptoms of mental health problems that have gone undiagnosed. In the long term this worsens symptoms.

Evidence shows that people who abuse opioid painkillers are at greater risk of depression and marijuana users have an increased risk of psychosis.

Alcohol abuse increases the symptoms of mental illness or even triggers new symptoms, it also makes antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, and mood stabilizers less effective.


  • Do you use alcohol or drugs to cope with unpleasant memories or feelings, to control pain or the intensity of your moods, to face situations that frighten you, or to stay focused on tasks?
  • Have you noticed a relationship between your substance abuse and your mental health? EX: Do you get depressed when you drink?
  • Has someone in your family struggled with either a mental illness or alcohol/drug abuse?
  • Do you feel depressed or anxious even when you’re sober?
  • Do you have unresolved trauma or a history of abuse?
  • Do you ever feel guilty or ashamed about your alcohol/drug use?
  • Have you ever blacked out?
  • Has your alcohol/drug use gotten you into trouble with the law?
  • Has your alcohol/drug use caused problems with your friends/family?


When looking for treatment make sure the program is licensed,  accredited and has  experience with your particular mental health issue.

The treatment addresses both substance abuse and mental health.

You share in the decision making process and are actively involved in the strategies used to help you cope with challenges and stress. It’s a waste of everyone’s time if you’re not going to do what’s suggested because you have trouble concentrating or memory issues. These things have to be shared and talked about so a program can be tailored to your specific needs.

I realize when I look at something in chart form or statistics I think it looks simple. Nothing is simple when it comes to mental health and addiction. If it was simple we wouldn’t have so many people dying.

Society is worried about gun violence when Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among 15-34 year olds. It’s 3rd among 10-14 year olds and the 10th leading cause of death overall.

There were 47,193 Suicides last year compared to 17,793 Homicides. I think the focus is on the wrong subject.



When I hear people use words like “sicko”, “deranged”, “nut job” or other hurtful slang words to describe a person with a mental illness I cringe inside.

When I hear or read those words coming from the President of The United States I wonder if realizes or cares about the harm he’s doing and the added stigma he’s creating.

People who are diagnosed with a mental illness are not “monsters” to be feared or taken off the streets and institutionalized.

This is a fact, people with mental illness have more violence done to them than any other group in the United States.

40% of women with a mental illness have been raped or sexually assaulted in their lifetime. 

Our answer to this is to make them feel worse about themselves? More ostracized? More frightened by society than they already are?

I find it disgusting.

If you’ve never had the chance to see the inside of a State run institution I suggest you check yourself in for a few days and let me know what you think. That is if they release you. If you lived in Rhode Island from 1950-1997 chances are you were put in an over crowded facility where you slept in a chair, on a table, or a floor. Look up just how many Pauper’s graves were found on the grounds of this lovely institution. Hundreds of thousands of unidentified human beings that were treated like animals.

You might ask how I know this for sure. My Grandmother was a Nurse there. She should’ve been a patient. My Uncle, her son, actually was a patient for a few years. How anyone could do that to their own child I’ll never know. I’m not too surprised because she later abandoned all 7 of them without a place to live. They lived in a chicken coop for some time.

You can look it up. It was called the Howard Center and the IMH in Cranston, Rhode Island. The newer facilities are not much better.

It’s difficult enough when people find out you’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar or Schizophrenia without the Government making it sound like we all want to kill or mame everyone we come into contact with.

I am part of that 40%. I have also been slapped, spit on, kicked, punched, thrown down stairs, had concussions, and other violence done against me. I thought I deserved it. I DON’T ANYMORE.

I’m not a doormat or a punching bag. I am a human being who is more sensitive than other people. I startle easily and I stutter when frightened or under stress. I love animals, my nephews, my dad, my twin sister, my brother, and I miss my mom more than anything in the world.

Am I capable of violence? I think the question should be who isn’t? Everyone has their breaking points. If someone was to hurt your child would you protect them with violence? I think most people would. Does this make you a “sicko”? No. It makes you human. Try to remember your humanity when you listen to or read whatever vile crap is being spewed by people in positions of power who don’t know when to be quiet.


Many people would not be able to stay sober without a 12 Step Program. I acknowledge this and accept it. I wish it went both ways. I have often been told that I “would never make it without a program”. I’ve been sober or in remission for over 9 years without a program. It isn’t for everyone.

I couldn’t handle being in a room filled with strangers and feeling their pain plus my own. I’m like a sponge that way. I also wasn’t hearing anyone say anything similar to my situation. No one admitted to drinking because they were afraid of meeting new people, afraid of talking to people, afraid to make friends, or just simply afraid.

No one admitted that at times they wanted to hurt themselves because they felt they didn’t belong anywhere. That they would look around a room and ask themselves “Why can’t I be like other people?” never feeling comfortable in their own skin. Or how much of a failure they felt like because the person that was born with them was able to do everything they couldn’t.

I can’t remember how many times I watched my twin sister and wondered if maybe there wasn’t a mistake made at the hospital. We were so different. Because we are twins people felt it was ok to comment on how different we were in front of us. I was always the fat, quiet one, she was always the thin, outgoing one. After years of hearing this it’s how you start to identify yourself too.

No one told stories of getting wasted and having sex with more than one guy in a night or waking up and not remembering if you had sex or not. There were no stories of hanging out with men who thought it was fun to make you cry or hit you. It was a group of men that for some reason wouldn’t let me go and I couldn’t get the courage to escape from for years. Some tried to help while others made things worse. Yes, I put myself in that situation because I thought I deserved it. I didn’t know I was sick or an alcoholic I just knew that at that time it was the best I could do. Secretly I hoped one of them would kill me and so I drank more.

There were no stories like that. I didn’t feel like I could tell them either. I needed a lot more help than a 12 Step Meeting could provide. I just didn’t know it yet. It would take several more years to figure it out.

Mental illness coupled with self-medicating is one of the hardest things in life you will ever go through. If you actually get through it I’m proud of you because it’s a Hell of journey and not many of us make it. It takes more than one or two relapses before you get it for some reason that’s just how it is. I’m here to say that if that happens don’t wast time beating yourself up. Ask yourself why? After that let it go and move forward. If you don’t you will keep repeating the same pattern.


Imagine you have had severe anxiety from a young age. You taught yourself not to make eye contact, to look at the ground while walking, used baggy clothes and long hair to try to be invisible. You felt more comfortable in long sleeved hoodies where you could pull sleeves over your hands because it made you feel safe. Imagine feeling nauseous 24/7 and throwing up or dry heaving daily. This started at 9 years old.

You discover something that makes it all go away. Alcohol. The thing is alcohol didn’t work on you the way it did on everyone else. Alcohol is usually a depressant but the majority of the times you drink you’re hyper, impulsive, talk fast, promiscuous, and stay up all night. You don’t think it’s odd because you don’t know anything else. But when the hardcore alcoholics you hang out with comment on it you start to wonder.

Eventually you aren’t the happy, hyper, drunk anymore. Events and circumstances change. Depression starts to creep in while you’re drinking. So does jealousy and anger. This leads to more negative events that change you dramatically.

When things get to a point where you’re given an ultimatum, a 12 Step Program or being homeless, you agree to the 12 Step Program. You shouldn’t have.

You had been to a few Psychiatrists who diagnosed you with Social Phobia/Social Anxiety Disorder and put you on medication that wasn’t exactly working.

You’re forced to meet a person you don’t know and agree to make her your Sponsor. She goes to meetings 3 times a day. The first meeting you have to go to is a large open meeting where everyone knew each other. There were about 70 people and believe me people noticed when I walked in.

When a thrust a person with Social Anxiety into a group setting where they don’t know anyone, they’re there for something they feel ashamed of, and they also have PTSD but haven’t been diagnosed yet, it isn’t a great experience.

When you then force that person to get up and speak in front of everyone it causes harm. I hated it, I never wanted to go back, I disliked the people, I disliked the several comments made when a few men noticed the scars on my wrists, I hated that they monitored what you could and could not say at an open meeting, I hated that my sponsor wanted me to go to 3 meetings a day while working 50 hours a week and taking care of my Mom who had been diagnosed with Lung Cancer. My sponsor’s response was “You found time to drink didn’t you?”

I didn’t drink like other people. I never drank during the day. I always drank from 4-5 pm to around 1 am on work night and later if I had the next day off. I never drank alone. I know this doesn’t matter, I’m still an alcoholic. But everyone is different in their patterns and behaviors.

The worse part were the comments about not really being “sober” if you’re on medication. I knew this was directed at me. Every meeting someone brought it up. How antidepressants were a crutch and a substitute for alcohol. I think I have permanent scars on the inside of my mouth from biting my cheeks and tongue.

I never felt like I could be honest at meetings. The stress was overwhelming. When my sponsor had us go to a meeting for a group of male convicts to speak that was it. I lost it. I told her I couldn’t do it. She told me I better get on my knees and pray because I bound to fail and go to Hell. When it comes to religion and anyone telling me I’m going to Hell or to pray it’s like waiving a red flag in front of a bull.

Things didn’t end well. I refused to put myself in a room where I might run into someone I used to drink with, someone who hurt me physically and mentally. I was right not to because there were 2 men in there that I did know. If they had seen me or I them I would’ve had a breakdown or worse.

People with mental illness and addiction have to be treated in a different way. 

I don’t believe a person with mental illness who is self medicating with drugs/alcohol should be thrown into a regular 12 step meeting. It isn’t going to work. We need more than that.

I’m more sensitive to the concept of shame. Shame actually had a lot to do with my failing to stay sober. When I was able to take shame out of the equation I was able to achieve sobriety. Too much importance is put on “How many days do you have?” or “What is your sober date?” First of all I have damage to my brain and don’t remember my sober date or how many days. 

Second, keeping track like that is setting yourself up for failure. Life isn’t about numbers unless you’re an accountant. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s what you’re intent was/is when you made them that matters.


I’m not a “Woman Of The World” that’s one of the problems but it is one of my favorite Aerosmith songs.

I’ve always been addicted to People, Places, and Things. This causes me to act irrationally and think irrationally. I know this yet I do it anyway.

I’m still being contacted by “Steven Tyler” who I know isn’t actually Steven Tyler. I don’t have that kind of luck. Nope. I get men who want to show me their glass eye by popping it out, men who choose to have an actual hook for a hand instead of a normal prosthetic, men who have tear drop tattoos under one eye and yes they have been incarcerated and also want me to pay their child support for them. I also attract other alcoholics/addicts, a lot of homeless men, many violent men, “musicians” and “tattoo artists” that don’t have studios or legal equipment and mostly do “prison style” tattoos. I would show you 2 of mine but one I had re-done and the other is in an area best left unseen. It’s a heart with wings.

Maybe I am a Woman Of The World. Just not your World. I’ll always look like I’m going to a concert. I can’t help it, well I can I just don’t want to. Love me or not that’s your problem.7706d56d2ba6d2837c4f649f8fe18580


I’ve said previously that I knew I was different from an early age and so did my parents. I think part of this had to do with being a twin. Having another child to compare me to plus my Mom’s own family history put a lot of doubts in their minds. I know this because both of my parents had admitted it at one time or another.

I started drinking when I first turned 17 if I remember correctly. It could’ve been earlier I’m not sure. When I first tried alcohol I realized the butterflies in my stomach went away, I could look people in the eye and have a conversation, I wasn’t constantly worried about saying the wrong thing, I wasn’t afraid to go places or to parties, I didn’t care if someone called me names or didn’t like me.

By the time I was 18 I was drinking daily. It was always at night and I never drank alone. It was however large quantities of alcohol. I was a big person. I was over 200 pounds and 5 foot 7 inches. I was drinking roughly a case of beer and a pint of hard liquor a night. I would usually start drinking between 4-5p.m. and stop whenever.

My behavior changed. The people I surrounded myself with didn’t help. I first tried to kill myself at 18 and because of my blood alcohol level I was court ordered to see a Psychiatrist who put me on Antidepressants. I’ve been on over 30 different types of medication since.

I was hospitalized twice in my late teens and early twenties. No diagnosis was made I was just given Antidepressants.

I’ve been court ordered several times to see different Psychiatrists and Therapists where again no diagnosis was ever made except one Doctor did diagnose Social Phobia and put me on more Antidepressants and Buspar.

For over 20 years I was on Antidepressants. The problem is they made things worse. They put a person with Bipolar Disorder on the wrong type of medications.

All of the medications prescribed to me make a person with Bipolar Disorder worse.

The two I was on the longest, Paxil and Prozac, actually cause manic-depression, euphoria, anxiety, panic attacks, impulsiveness, alcohol abuse, irritability, worsening depression, all precursors to emerging suicidality. The physical side effects are just as bad. Weight gain, high cholesterol, diabetes mellitus, bradycardia, vertigo, urinary hesitancy, urine retention, polyuria, urethritis, kidney calculus, blood in urine, Acute Renal Failure, ovarian cysts, ulcers, acute glaucoma, anemia, sinusitis, and early menopause.

The Doctors said my Kidney Failure was caused by a thickening of both ureters. This can happen with urine retention. You don’t feel the need to go so you don’t. Eventually it causes damage. I went into early menopause and no one can explain it, I’ve had ovarian cysts for years but they said that wasn’t cause. I also have acute glaucoma and sinusitis, vertigo, anemia, an irregular heartbeat and an ulcer. I did have diabetes mellitus but that seems to have went away since my kidneys failed.

It has been explained to me several times that because I was given so many of the wrong medications it is now impossible to treat my Bipolar Disorder. I have run out of options.

A new brain scan showed I have even less white and gray matter for a woman my age. It also suggests a traumatic brain injury at some time and not an in utero infection causing the swelling.

It was awkward answering the questions about that.

I never even thought being hit over the head with a heavy chair could’ve been the reason for anything. I was wrong.

When my Dad wanted to know what the new team of Doctors had said I wasn’t going to tell him the truth. But I did. It was a mistake. He became angry at me.

He said I had embarrassed him and made him look like a fool that night. He was embarrassed to have a drunk for a daughter. He couldn’t protect someone who was a liar and a drunk so he didn’t. He said he wasn’t to blame for my problems I had put myself in that situation years ago.

I was shocked, hurt, and angry. I said some things back to him and his final reply was “I’m glad J kicked your ass!”.

He just started taking Prednisone again and I’m hoping it was the steroids talking.

I find myself wanting to leave here more and more each day.

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