Monthly Archives: November 2015

Falling Off The Wagon

In your quest for sobriety it will most likely take you more than one try. I could string together a few months, a year, and at one point 2 years. When I would slip up the shame and guilt was overwhelming. I figured what the hell I might as well keep drinking if I’m going to feel this way. If the people around me are going to monitor everything I do and everywhere I go I should give them a good reason. Who could blame them? I had destroyed all the trust they had in me.

It shouldn’t be this way. Yes, you are probably going to relapse a few times before you get it right. You shouldn’t have to feel overwhelming shame about it. Shame to the point where you feel you have no place to go but down. So you do. I didn’t expect hugs and kisses when I relapsed. I think talking about it would have helped. Talking about why I felt the need to drink at that time. What was going on in my life. I had not been diagnosed as Bipolar yet so maybe it wouldn’t have made sense but usually there was a trigger. A big one was the feeling that I was missing out on something. I didn’t know what it was, it was just a feeling that things were happening and I was not a part of them. This was bullshit. There was nothing important going on it was just my brain and self-esteem.

When you feel isolated and like the Black Sheep because you screwed up once again you think “who will understand”? My drinking buddies of course! They really don’t. They’re just glad to see you back in the muck with them. Misery loves company.

So it’s up to you to put away the shame and guilt and speak up. Tell the people around you that you are doing the best you can and keep trying until sober periods get longer and longer. Is it easy? No, of course not. I had to sever ties with all of the people I knew except one. I didn’t go out at night for the longest time. I know you can still drink during the day but I never did. I avoided any restaurants that were more like bars, I stopped going to concerts because I always drank at them.

Eventually I’ll ease back into some activities. I was invited to a Christmas party tonight but it was at a Salon with mostly young women. I knew I would feel uncomfortable and I didn’t want to put myself in that position. I would have only known one person. She knows my history. I went early and gave her a gift and a hug. She understood without any explanation. It’s what I like about her.

It’s starting to get easier. I’m used to going places on my own. I know my comfort zone and what I can handle. It’s a start. Just because I’ve been sober for over 6 and half years doesn’t mean I don’t have work to do. Half the battle is knowing my limitations and taking into consideration that I’m Bipolar makes it harder and easier at the same time. I know why I drink and what triggers my drinking. It helps to know that.

What’s hard is when people ask why you’re not drinking at a social event. I never know what to say. The truth? Lie? Just smile like an idiot? Say I’m allergic? It’s awkward and I hate it. 99% of me wants to tell the truth but it makes people uncomfortable. Why bother asking if you don’t really want to know? You have to have some clue in the back of your mind when you ask that it’s for a personal reason. Unless you expect everyone to say that they are the “designated driver”. You want to know the dirt but when you hear it you wish you hadn’t asked. Idiots.

Back to shame. Don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed for your mistakes. As long as you are still willing to try and you didn’t hurt yourself or anyone else you have nothing to be ashamed of. Keep going. Start again until one day you see a person that’s been drinking and you feel relief it isn’t you. The desire and the need is no longer there because you know the consequences and you don’t want to disappoint YOURSELF.

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Authority, Incarceration, Brutality and Celebrity

I am a Sober Bipolar Woman who happens to love movies. I also happen to have been arrested on several occasions in my drinking days. I was in my 20’s. I am also Caucasian. I live in a town where there are few African American families. There are not many in the surrounding towns either.

I have in my lifetime known quite a few men that have been in prison for long periods of time. They were all white. Their crimes were usually B & E or drug related. Some said it was illegal fishing but I fell for that only so many times.

I can honestly say that I have not met a police officer that I have found helpful or one that diffused a situation I was in. I was taught to respect an Officer of The Law no matter what and do what they tell you. My mother also said never run because it makes you look guilty. It was hard to stick to what I was told growing up.

I was always taken in for Drunken Disorderly. This happened in several towns. I can honestly tell you that each time the officers thought it was a joke, would watch me urinate, and leave me with nothing to cover myself or toilet paper. I was always dressed up to go out so they would leave me in my tank top and jeans and that was it. Then they would laugh. When I was beaten by one man the same officers did nothing except laugh again. They knew his father.

When my older brother was younger he was arrested all the time. He was 16 but looked 30. He stuck out in a crowd. He was 6’3″ and 220 pounds. When the police would break up a party who do you think they saw first? Who do you think ran first? My brother with the high IQ was always the first to run and the first to get caught. He had a court ordered curfew that a few on the local force would make him late for on purpose. Jaywalking was their favorite. He was hated by them. They would say his name like Seinfeld would say Newman. When he first got back from the Army and they found out, he was stopped and handcuffed because he looked like a “robbery suspect” they were in pursuit of. He was in uniform. His wife and newborn baby in the car with him. I admit a lot of it he brought on himself but some was over the line.

The point I’m trying to make is that not all people in a position of power are GOOD PEOPLE. Just because you passed the exam and you now have a badge doesn’t mean you are a good person doing the right thing. It isn’t an automatic and just doesn’t happen with different races, it happens with different economic classes also. Sometimes people abuse their power BECAUSE THEY CAN. So who has done more for me in the long run?

Now Quentin Tarantino has spoken out about Brutality involving some Police Forces. Not all. I heard him say it originally. Only the guilty, not ALL Officers of the Law. But Politicians and the Media would like to make a big deal out of it instead of looking in their own backyards and cleaning up the shit that’s there already. What does boycotting a movie do? Nothing. He’s still going to get paid and the movie is still going to be genius as always because he’s Quentin Tarantino.

Why do I write about this? One time when I quit drinking I did one thing. I watched movies. I watched so many movies they offered me a job. A job that lasted 13 years where I managed 2 stores at the same time for awhile. A job where I could watch all the movies I wanted and escape the pain of my life. Movies helped me with my Alcoholism, the death of my mother, and any other hard time I had. Without that escapism I wouldn’t be here. But I am not stupid. I do not let Hollywood influence my political or legal decisions.

I have not had any run ins with the law in many years. But if I have to drive by a place where I was incarcerated for the night it makes me feel sick and relieved at the same time. Relieved because I no longer live that life. Sick because I once did and it’s very easy to fall backwards.

 


Just One More Reason

 

 

I watched a beautiful video yesterday. The music was by Joey + Rory a married Country Duo. The song so poignant and mournful but heartwarming in a way. When I looked up the couple it made more sense to me. It also made me angry.

Here was a couple that seemed to honestly love one another. They loved what they did for a living. They fought to get where they are. And they fought to have a child together. They were a family filled with faith.

Their Faith in return was there for Joey when she was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer  not long after her daughter was born. Did I mention her Faith was there when her daughter was born with Down Syndrome? Her Faith was there after she had to undergo radical surgeries to remove the cancer in 2014.

I wonder if her Faith  was there when the doctors told her the cancer had returned in 2015 but in her colon. Was it there when they said it was terminal? Is it in her Hospice room?

I can’t answer for her, but I know I would have a problem with it. My mother had Cervical Cancer while pregnant with my sister and I. She had to have a hysterectomy immediately after we were born. She was devastated. She always wanted a big family. She was devastated at 52 when she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She spent a month in a medically induced coma. The Hospital “forgot” to hook up the feeding tube for the first 6 days. She had to be suspended so the bed looked like it was hanging from the ceiling upside down so fluid couldn’t collect in the 1 portion of a lung she had left. When that ended we got a better view of what was really going on. Which was nothing. Sheets were not changed, they would leave her in a soiled diaper for hours, no one would check on her for hours. She was forgotten. My mom had faith at one time too.

I can think of at least 20 people a piece that should be suffering and leaving this earth instead of these 2 women. I don’t have that power or right. But supposedly God does. He only gives you what you can handle or they are needed in Heaven? There are a million clichés that won’t erase the fact that the world ISN’T a better place without these people. So save it. I’ve heard it all before. I still don’t understand and I never will. I understand the actions of a Sociopath better than Religion. They are more honest.

I can’t share my views about this around me. When I do I am told “You really don’t believe that” or “you’ll change your mind”. No, I won’t. I have felt this way for over 20 years. I’ve lied about it but I’ve still felt this way.

When other Mentally Ill or Recovering Alcoholics/Addicts play the God Card to me I find myself feeling disgusted. If they see God as a higher power and mention him occasionally than ok. But when all they talk about is their religion and God than they are replacing one addiction with another. Or fixating. It’s like when someone get’s sober but doesn’t deal with why they were drinking. That person usually becomes a “dry drunk” and they have the same problems just sober. My father is like this.

My Psychiatrist’s secretary actually asked me if I tried Prayer or went to Church. She thought this would help with my Bipolar Disorder immensely. She told me where she went and invited me along. I politely declined. I could have complained and she would have been fired. That isn’t something I would ever do. I knew she was coming from a good place and it was the 1st and only time she did it. If it was repeatedly we would have had a problem. She still shouldn’t do it, but I wasn’t going to be the one to tell her. Besides I’ve had worse said to me and you have to pick your battles.

 


Did You Know Essential Oils Cure Bipolar Disorder?

I like to browse Pinterest. I look at recipes, art, Bipolar information, pretty much everything. When I see numerous articles about essential oils and diets that “cure” Bipolar Disorder I get pissed off. If it was that easy so many of us wouldn’t be struggling.

Let’s discuss my good pals the FDA. They really have no control over any of this. They don’t have the manpower and there isn’t any money in it for them so the only time they get involved is if a class action lawsuit is brought against the company or someone is seriously injured or dies.

It’s the same with how they regulate generic medications. Basically they don’t. That’s why most of them do not work the same as the name brand and the companies still use gluten as a binder even though they say they don’t.

I have to pay more for name brand medications and get a note from my Dr. saying I have to get the name brand because of an allergy. My insurance still fights me tooth and nail on this. They have refused to pay for some of them and that leaves me paying out of pocket.

To mislead the public into thinking natural remedies can cure Mental Illness disgusts me. Lavender oil, Oregano oil, whatever, isn’t going to do a thing for me.

I know there is a movement against medication. That is their right. I have the right to disagree. I have researched this illness up, down, and sideways. I have tried so many medications and ECT. Believe me if I thought there was another alternative I would gladly accept it. There isn’t.

I have family members who like to go off their meds. You know where it gets them? One goes back to heroin. One hears voices and hallucinates and ultimately gets committed. It’s the same thing every time. It effects everyone around them. The one with the heroin also self harms. It is difficult for me to hear when this happens. She’s my niece and I love her. She refuses to talk to me. We have not spoken in years. I called her out on her drug use when she stole my mother’s pain pills when she was dying. Everyone said “No she wouldn’t do that”. I went into her purse and got her compact. The pills were hidden underneath the mirror. I’ve been around addicts most of my life and I’m an alcoholic. I know how the game is played. She never forgave me. Maybe I should have handled things differently but it was a stressful time. I did the best I could.

So my opinion is stay on your meds. If they are not working talk to your doctor and change them. Sometimes it takes years to find the right combination or there could be an underlying problem where you are not absorbing them. Keep asking questions. Keep trying. That’s all I can say.


I Do Not Like Green Eggs

I can not tell you how much I loathe this new format. I dislike it more than seeing my father’s stubs for toes after his lawnmower accident. I detest it more than sitting through a Kate Hudson movie. My disdain for it knows no bounds.

Seriously. I just don’t like change. When I went to the help section and talked to someone online, she told me what to do in order to keep the old format. HaHa! Red flashing lights, a warning sign and a voice came on saying I was in violation, and porn! Thanks whoever that was! Like I don’t have enough problems being monitored. Actually, I doubt I’m that important but the FBI has been to my house for my dad. They had the wrong guy but still. And he did show up on the Irish terrorist watch list years ago when we went to Vegas. My luck they WILL show up again and take him away for illegal porn. I might let him stay there for a night just for ruining Thanksgiving.

Also, my feet and calves are swollen, I feel kind of sick, and I don’t want to tell anyone. I have a temp but it’s around 100, the hospital said not to worry unless it was above 100.4 so I have .4 points to go. I really hate the Hospital too. I’m very tired I know that. I still have to change the sheets on my bed and I don’t feel like it. Maybe I’ll sleep on the floor. The puppy threw up on me last night while I was sleeping. My favorite pajamas too. It was my fault. I gave him an all natural bone made of peanut butter and I don’t know what else, but it was too much for his belly. Not the best way to wake up.

Enough of my complaining. Here’s my THANKS!

Thank you blahpolar you inspire me and keep me here.

Thank you Wendy you’re the sister I need and I’ll always love you and no one else.

Thanks Dad for giving me life and saving my life more times than I care to count. And for giving me your wittiness. Yes, I know it rhymes with sh*ttiness. lol

Thanks Britt for letting me be me and look good doing it.

Thanks Dutch, even though you blew chunks on me, you’re just what I needed.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!


Ricky and The Flash

I just watched this movie on Amazon and though it won’t win any awards found it enjoyable for a few reasons.

The chemistry between Meryl Streep and Rick Springfield is undeniable. They work incredibly well together. I would like to see them collaborate on something else. I didn’t realize Rick Springfield was so good. His life story is an interesting one also.

Mr. Springfield has had to deal with depression and other issues in his life that I’m sure most of the public is not aware of. It is these struggles that make his work so genius in a subtle way.

Meryl Streep is Meryl Streep. There isn’t much you can say about her that is negative. She’s naturally talented. Born with a gift to make you laugh or cry.

The script could have used some tweaking. It was lacking some depth and felt a little rushed. They could’ve done more with it. It was still entertaining just not the caliber of work I’m used to with Ms. Streep.

The music is enjoyable and it’s fun to watch the both of them on stage. I forget how much I love Rick Springfield and now want to listen to “Jessie’s Girl” 20 times in a row. All in all I’d give it a 3 ***.


Holiday Torment

Every year my mom cooked for the Holidays. She was an excellent cook. She made the best stuffing I’ve ever had. I would make sandwiches out of it with just stuffing and mayo. I know it sounds gross but it wasn’t. She did Thanksgiving and Christmas. She also did Easter and St. Patrick’s Day. There was only one thing that she didn’t like to do or wasn’t the greatest at and that was baking. That gene went to me.

I remember most of the time we would almost be done eating by the time my mom got to sit down to eat. I never appreciated that. I remember her trying to hide the turkey from me because I would steal the cooked crispy pieces of skin. I would still get to it. I would hear my name being screamed and I would laugh and hide. When the turkey was brought to the table there would be bald patches where I took the skin. It got to the point where she would just cut me off pieces of the skin and slice up the turkey before bringing it to the table. This was because she loved me.

All Holidays stopped for me February 21, 2008 at 10:07 p.m. This is when she passed away in front of me. She was probably gone before I got there but they had to make it look good.

My Annie, my mom, gone at 62. After a life filled with sorrow and pain and then finally some joy is taken away. How can you celebrate a Holiday after the light in the room is no longer there?

This year I decided we needed to do Thanksgiving. My father and I have a lot to be thankful for. Both of us have survived or cheated death this year. I would say that deserves a celebration. So I am doing all the cooking if I can keep my father out of the way! What a pain in the ass! He cooked in the Navy and thinks he knows everything. He knows Creamed Chipped Beef on Toast! I’m making an Italian Love Cake, Turkey, Stuffing, Mashed Potatoes, Gravy, and a Vegetable his Highness can agree on. I remind you this all has to be Gluten Free. Not so easy but if I’m left alone it’s easier. I just want the Italian Love Cake.

I’m hoping this will help change things. I’m also going to slowly bring in some Christmas decorations. My mother wouldn’t want us to be this way. She would want us to be loud and laughing like she always was.

My father and I will never be loud but we can try to have a good day together. Maybe.867961e557f4b8a6c46fdeba855a6ed4


Desperate Happiness

Sometimes I feel that being diagnosed as Bipolar is at once the best and worse thing to happen to me. The best because I finally know why I feel the way I do, and sometimes do the things I do. On the downside I can no longer get away with my past behavior of drinking, partying, and causing trouble. I know it sounds selfish. It is.

The last couple of years of my drinking it was weekends only. I would try to jam Monday – Friday into Saturday night. I did a pretty good job. The problem was I didn’t recover until Tuesday.

My best friend was usually with me. People have asked over the years why she never stopped me. She couldn’t. Andre The Giant couldn’t have stopped me. If I wanted to drink and I was upset about something then I was drinking. An example.

I really had feelings for one man. He was not a good man. He had a teardrop tattoo under one eye, he had done 5 years in a Florida Prison, he was also French/Italian, tan, muscled, white teeth, and would rob his own mother. I was mad one night over something to do with him. He came up to me, held my face in his hands and said ” If you drink 1 more drink we’re done. I mean it. I will NOT talk to you anymore.” I stood up, went to the kitchen counter, poured a shot, and drank it. He still talked to me. Where else was he going to get money from?

My best friend worried. Of course she did. But she knew she would be pushing me further away if she said anything. Also most of the time we had fun. We really did. Yes the bad always sticks out more but we did have fun!

Meeting rock bands in crazy ways. The people we met! No one remembers them now. A lot of these meetings I don’t remember! Like Pantera, I wish I remembered that one and forgot Voivod. Winger, Ratt, Slaughter, Black Label Society, White Lion (lead singer was so nice he’ll be happy they’re making Stephen King’s Two Towers into a movie) , Shots at the Rainbow with Lars Ulrich, Greenday, Slayer, Sebastian Bach, there are more but I can’t remember. I called my memory but she wasn’t home.

We also did stupid things together. Haunted houses, dive bars, weird keg parties with a male stripper for the women and a female for the men. Too bad the female had a better mustache than the male and the deck collapsed when the men had to go out on it. No one was hurt. The Haunted House was fun. Freddy Krueger asked me out on a date and Rat Man asked how old I was.

I love horror movies. Haunted Houses and Haunted Fields not so much. My best friend usually leaves with a few bruises and her shirt stretched out from me clutching it. So when Rat Man asked how old I was I screamed “TOO OLD!” and ran. My best friend was laughing and trying not to wet her pants. She finds me hilarious because I dislike the same things she does.

I never laughed harder than I did with her. Drunk or sober. I can still tell her anything without judgment or her wanting anything in return. She knows all my secrets and I mean ALL of them. She loves me anyway. I am the only person she has ever really cried over. She understands without me  having to explain over and over. We can go months without talking and pick up where we left off.

She is afraid. She’s seen me try to destroy myself for 20 years. I’ve lied to her more times than I can count. I’ve promised not to drink and then hid in the bathroom with a bottle. She’s come back from the store to find me surrounded by people covered in blood. She’s had to bail me out of the police station after I was arrested for DUI. I’ve put her through a lot. She’s still here. We still laugh. I don’t see her in person much. She lives with her boyfriend and works a lot. When they do have free time they do things with another couple her boyfriend knows. I love her boyfriend. He’s extremely kind. I think both of them care too much to see me backslide. It wouldn’t take much. The wrong comment or look from someone I used to know would probably do it. I have to be honest here I’m not sure what I would do. I would like to think I could handle it. But I’m not sure what I can handle right now.

All I know is when I talk to my sister I feel like I’m in a play. I have to get all my lines right or I’m fired. When I talk to my best friend it doesn’t matter what I say she accepts me as I am. I am thankful for that.

 

 


Some Photos

These were taken at a local cemetery yesterday. I was surprised at the condition of the place. I had been there about 2 months ago and it was fine. This time there were sink holes and trees that had fallen on grave sites. It used to be a beautiful place.


American Eugenics

Eugenics is something I knew went on in the past. I was surprised to find out it was still going on in some places in the United States. I am ashamed to call myself a human being because of it.

Eugenics is the compulsory sterilization of the “unwilling and unwitting people” in the U.S. starting in 1907.

These people consisted mostly of (their words not mine) the insane, the feeble minded, the dependent, and the diseased. These Compulsory Eugenic laws were adopted by over 30 states that led to more than 60,000 sterilizations of people they considered unsuitable to procreate. This did not stop until supposedly 1970. The state that used this the most was North Carolina. North Carolina’s Eugenics Board sterilized 7,600 people between 1930 and 1970.

The states thought these people were unable to regulate their own birth control so did it for them permanently. Once this was legitimized, for certain groups, it led to further divisions using race and class. Unfortunately this did not end in the 70’s.

In 2013 a report of incarcerated women found that around 150 of them were illegally sterilized in California prisons. The procedure would be discussed with them while they were giving birth or during another procedure so they would be vulnerable and perhaps under the influence of narcotics given during surgery.

California also didn’t follow procedure regarding who was to pay for these sterilizations. Another no no.

North Carolina became the first state to provide reparations in 2013.

Sterilization is still being used as a bargaining chip in some courtrooms. Often the woman doesn’t realize a tubal ligation isn’t reversible and agrees to the terms. Of the cases involving a man it is often a sex crime. Chemical castration doesn’t make the urge disappear, they just can’t act on it, they can still have power over their victims so the system isn’t really doing anyone any favors there.

The entire Eugenics situation needs to be investigated further. I have no doubt in private facilities it is done more often. You can’t stop something you have no knowledge of.


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