Category Archives: Mental Health Medications


I’ve said previously that I knew I was different from an early age and so did my parents. I think part of this had to do with being a twin. Having another child to compare me to plus my Mom’s own family history put a lot of doubts in their minds. I know this because both of my parents had admitted it at one time or another.

I started drinking when I first turned 17 if I remember correctly. It could’ve been earlier I’m not sure. When I first tried alcohol I realized the butterflies in my stomach went away, I could look people in the eye and have a conversation, I wasn’t constantly worried about saying the wrong thing, I wasn’t afraid to go places or to parties, I didn’t care if someone called me names or didn’t like me.

By the time I was 18 I was drinking daily. It was always at night and I never drank alone. It was however large quantities of alcohol. I was a big person. I was over 200 pounds and 5 foot 7 inches. I was drinking roughly a case of beer and a pint of hard liquor a night. I would usually start drinking between 4-5p.m. and stop whenever.

My behavior changed. The people I surrounded myself with didn’t help. I first tried to kill myself at 18 and because of my blood alcohol level I was court ordered to see a Psychiatrist who put me on Antidepressants. I’ve been on over 30 different types of medication since.

I was hospitalized twice in my late teens and early twenties. No diagnosis was made I was just given Antidepressants.

I’ve been court ordered several times to see different Psychiatrists and Therapists where again no diagnosis was ever made except one Doctor did diagnose Social Phobia and put me on more Antidepressants and Buspar.

For over 20 years I was on Antidepressants. The problem is they made things worse. They put a person with Bipolar Disorder on the wrong type of medications.

All of the medications prescribed to me make a person with Bipolar Disorder worse.

The two I was on the longest, Paxil and Prozac, actually cause manic-depression, euphoria, anxiety, panic attacks, impulsiveness, alcohol abuse, irritability, worsening depression, all precursors to emerging suicidality. The physical side effects are just as bad. Weight gain, high cholesterol, diabetes mellitus, bradycardia, vertigo, urinary hesitancy, urine retention, polyuria, urethritis, kidney calculus, blood in urine, Acute Renal Failure, ovarian cysts, ulcers, acute glaucoma, anemia, sinusitis, and early menopause.

The Doctors said my Kidney Failure was caused by a thickening of both ureters. This can happen with urine retention. You don’t feel the need to go so you don’t. Eventually it causes damage. I went into early menopause and no one can explain it, I’ve had ovarian cysts for years but they said that wasn’t cause. I also have acute glaucoma and sinusitis, vertigo, anemia, an irregular heartbeat and an ulcer. I did have diabetes mellitus but that seems to have went away since my kidneys failed.

It has been explained to me several times that because I was given so many of the wrong medications it is now impossible to treat my Bipolar Disorder. I have run out of options.

A new brain scan showed I have even less white and gray matter for a woman my age. It also suggests a traumatic brain injury at some time and not an in utero infection causing the swelling.

It was awkward answering the questions about that.

I never even thought being hit over the head with a heavy chair could’ve been the reason for anything. I was wrong.

When my Dad wanted to know what the new team of Doctors had said I wasn’t going to tell him the truth. But I did. It was a mistake. He became angry at me.

He said I had embarrassed him and made him look like a fool that night. He was embarrassed to have a drunk for a daughter. He couldn’t protect someone who was a liar and a drunk so he didn’t. He said he wasn’t to blame for my problems I had put myself in that situation years ago.

I was shocked, hurt, and angry. I said some things back to him and his final reply was “I’m glad J kicked your ass!”.

He just started taking Prednisone again and I’m hoping it was the steroids talking.

I find myself wanting to leave here more and more each day.


Bipolar Medications & Being A Lab Rat

How many people have had bad experiences with their medications only to be told by their Doctor that it COULDN’T POSSIBLY be their meds?

It happens to me often. Around the third time of me saying it, a light bulb goes on in the same Doctor’s eyes and he agrees with me. Why do I have to suffer for almost a year before they believe me?

I think that Topamax isn’t doing me any favors. It’s making me cry and making me cranky. Even with Adderall  I just want to sleep. I think everything I do is wrong. My sister and ex sister in law keep saying I need to “be somewhere”. Where the hell do they think that “somewhere” is exactly? They don’t want to say it but they mean a hospital. Neither one of them have ever been so it’s easy for them to say. It isn’t like going to Club Med for a few relaxing weeks of fun in the sun where we make S’mores and baskets. Idiots. I’m extremely touchy about the situation because I’ve been more than once. None of my experiences were pleasant and I also didn’t receive any kind of help. So now I hide in my room and cry.

Medications For Mental Health

For a period of time I was on a combo of Topamax, Viibryd, and Adderall. Please excuse any spelling mistakes, my computer and brain are a little funky. I began having a problem where in the morning I was either crying nonstop or being an extreme bitch to everyone. Usually it would get a little better by 2:00 or 3:00 p.m. in the afternoon. When I had been in the hospital for 5 days for my kidneys they didn’t give me the Topamax. I noticed a change in my mood. When I got out of the hospital I tapered myself off of it. I did well for a few a few months but actually had put myself into a manic state. I went back on it but at half the dose. The same problem started again. I stopped again. I went to my Psychiatrist who said I needed to go back on it at the prescribed dose and give it 4 to 6 weeks to really get into my system.

It’s been a few weeks and I am having trouble handling anything without being mean or crying. Last week I found my dad unconscious on the front lawn with his pants and underwear halfway down. He was late coming home from dialysis. I had been calling his cell and looking for him. He didn’t know what year it was. He was exposing himself to the neighborhood because he kept insisting he had to urinate. He had somehow lost a shoe while driving home. How he drove I have no idea. How the dialysis place could have let him go like that I have no idea. They swear he wasn’t like that when he left.

Having Bipolar and Conversion Disorder while dealing with each new shock is wearing on me. My siblings are of no help. Did either one think of how hard it was for me to clean what was the equivalent of 4 blood transfusions off of our bathroom floor and walls? No. I did it though. Or to wake up and come down the stairs only to see him sleeping on the couch in his underwear covered in diarrhea? No. But like with my mother, I cleaned him and the rest of it. I can’t keep doing this. Yesterday he called me a bitch and told me if I left not to come back. I wanted to take a few days to myself and let them deal with things.

My Doctor is now afraid to do ECT on me. The Conversion Disorder has gotten worse. The last two times I had to go under anesthesia they had trouble bringing me out because my brain didn’t want to come out. I have to go under again the end of July and he’s worried. I have no choice. If I don’t change my kidney stents I die. My family doesn’t understand how broken my brain is and they let me continue to endure the stress with no help. My father refuses help from outside sources. If I let the state place me somewhere it would be in an emergency situation. This would put me with the most severe cases of mentally ill. All of my doctors agree that this would be a bad thing. I would decompensate and only get worse. I don’t know what to do anymore.

%d bloggers like this: