I’ve said previously that I knew I was different from an early age and so did my parents. I think part of this had to do with being a twin. Having another child to compare me to plus my Mom’s own family history put a lot of doubts in their minds. I know this because both of my parents had admitted it at one time or another.
I started drinking when I first turned 17 if I remember correctly. It could’ve been earlier I’m not sure. When I first tried alcohol I realized the butterflies in my stomach went away, I could look people in the eye and have a conversation, I wasn’t constantly worried about saying the wrong thing, I wasn’t afraid to go places or to parties, I didn’t care if someone called me names or didn’t like me.
By the time I was 18 I was drinking daily. It was always at night and I never drank alone. It was however large quantities of alcohol. I was a big person. I was over 200 pounds and 5 foot 7 inches. I was drinking roughly a case of beer and a pint of hard liquor a night. I would usually start drinking between 4-5p.m. and stop whenever.
My behavior changed. The people I surrounded myself with didn’t help. I first tried to kill myself at 18 and because of my blood alcohol level I was court ordered to see a Psychiatrist who put me on Antidepressants. I’ve been on over 30 different types of medication since.
I was hospitalized twice in my late teens and early twenties. No diagnosis was made I was just given Antidepressants.
I’ve been court ordered several times to see different Psychiatrists and Therapists where again no diagnosis was ever made except one Doctor did diagnose Social Phobia and put me on more Antidepressants and Buspar.
For over 20 years I was on Antidepressants. The problem is they made things worse. They put a person with Bipolar Disorder on the wrong type of medications.
All of the medications prescribed to me make a person with Bipolar Disorder worse.
The two I was on the longest, Paxil and Prozac, actually cause manic-depression, euphoria, anxiety, panic attacks, impulsiveness, alcohol abuse, irritability, worsening depression, all precursors to emerging suicidality. The physical side effects are just as bad. Weight gain, high cholesterol, diabetes mellitus, bradycardia, vertigo, urinary hesitancy, urine retention, polyuria, urethritis, kidney calculus, blood in urine, Acute Renal Failure, ovarian cysts, ulcers, acute glaucoma, anemia, sinusitis, and early menopause.
The Doctors said my Kidney Failure was caused by a thickening of both ureters. This can happen with urine retention. You don’t feel the need to go so you don’t. Eventually it causes damage. I went into early menopause and no one can explain it, I’ve had ovarian cysts for years but they said that wasn’t cause. I also have acute glaucoma and sinusitis, vertigo, anemia, an irregular heartbeat and an ulcer. I did have diabetes mellitus but that seems to have went away since my kidneys failed.
It has been explained to me several times that because I was given so many of the wrong medications it is now impossible to treat my Bipolar Disorder. I have run out of options.
A new brain scan showed I have even less white and gray matter for a woman my age. It also suggests a traumatic brain injury at some time and not an in utero infection causing the swelling.
It was awkward answering the questions about that.
I never even thought being hit over the head with a heavy chair could’ve been the reason for anything. I was wrong.
When my Dad wanted to know what the new team of Doctors had said I wasn’t going to tell him the truth. But I did. It was a mistake. He became angry at me.
He said I had embarrassed him and made him look like a fool that night. He was embarrassed to have a drunk for a daughter. He couldn’t protect someone who was a liar and a drunk so he didn’t. He said he wasn’t to blame for my problems I had put myself in that situation years ago.
I was shocked, hurt, and angry. I said some things back to him and his final reply was “I’m glad J kicked your ass!”.
He just started taking Prednisone again and I’m hoping it was the steroids talking.
I find myself wanting to leave here more and more each day.