My brain feels like a rusty cage. I’ve tried to hide the problems I’ve been having from my Dad and twin sister for at least a year now. I’m at a point where I can’t anymore. The other morning was proof of that. The look in my father’s eyes when he finally heard me trying to speak broke something inside me. He looked so sad, like it was his fault. He always blames himself for the things that are wrong with me.
I was born in 1973. I started to exhibit some “quirky” behavior at a very early age. My parents were young and had little money. They also had very little education between the two of them. In both of their families if someone acted in an odd way you accepted it and moved on. I started rocking back and forth when I was a toddler, as I grew older I banged my head on my pillow to get to sleep.
Now with the word grasping and something more than stuttering I’m a little scared. I find myself searching for the name of the simplest object like the “remote” for the TV or my car “keys”. I’m not a Doctor but I think I’m a little young to have these problems.
I’ve had Doctors suggest it’s from my alcohol abuse for so many years or being diagnosed as Bipolar can have cognitive problems involved, so can Conversion Disorder. What bothers me is that no one has run another brain scan since I had the first one in 2008. That one showed so many irregularities and swelling in one area that I can’t help but question if any of those findings factor in. Why have I lost so much grey matter? Why was there a lightning bolt pattern where there shouldn’t have been? No one answered these questions.
March 8th I’m changing Primary Care Doctors and I’m putting all of my expectations on this one visit. I want to be able to leave the house. I haven’t really left the house in a long time. My sister actually called and invited me to lunch and I said no because I couldn’t muster up the strength to take a shower and make myself presentable enough to be seen in public. The thought of it made me tired. Plus I could already imagine us getting into an argument over something or other and leaving the restaurant mad. (Her mad, me crying)
I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of feeling sick. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not normal.
I did leave the house today in my pajamas to get a Chocolate Shamrock Shake. It was for my mom. She always bought us Shamrock Shakes because we’re Irish and St. Patrick’s Day was her favorite Holiday where she did a Boiled Dinner. When my Papa was alive he actually dressed as a Leprechaun every year. It’s funny but he was the only one in the family that never really drank. He lived with us for most of my childhood but I never really knew him. He had favorites and I wasn’t one of them. Me, he forgot at the car wash for a few hours when I was around 5. My cousins Kerrie and Kendra he adored. He also had a strong bond with my brother. My family could’ve had it’s own TV show it was so strange and dysfunctional. Sometimes funny sometimes heartbreaking.