EXCRUCIATING! Watching Q & A’s On Social Media and Feeling Invisible.

From time to time I will watch a Live Question and Answer session on a Social Media platform. I don’t do it often because I find myself become irritated, sad, and then feeling more isolated than I already do.

When the person answering the questions has answered the SAME EXACT QUESTIONS AT LEAST 5 TIMES PREVIOUSLY and literally asks that no one else ask the same questions again, it’s more than annoying.

BUT not as frustrating as when I finally work up courage to write something and it’s always ignored or sent back to me. I don’t know if that’s just how it works because I try not to do it often. Why? Because I then start to do the infamous snowballing.

Questions start swirling in my overactive brain. Has everyone blocked me and I just don’t know about it? Do they think I am a security threat because it links to blog about Bipolar Disorder? Oh, wait! Everyone they follow has dark hair and I’m a red head, maybe they don’t like red heads? Everyone they follow that’s female is pretty. Maybe I’m not considered pretty enough to follow like a velvet rope system but for Social Media. Did I offend the person and not realize it? Should I apologize? Maybe I should consider breast implants or some Botox.

Then I think “I really miss drinking when I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought no matter who they were.” When I even told a famous singer to go F*ck himself because he grabbed me on his tour bus and wouldn’t let me go. I could see the track marks on his arm and he smelled like he hadn’t showered in months. Back then the alcohol made me not overthink everything. Granted it also helped my erratic behavior, impulsiveness, and sometimes I wasn’t rational enough to know when a situation had gone too far.

This spineless, doubting, invisibility, is killing me. I just want to know I exist sometimes. My entire life I blamed so much on my weight. Now that the weight is gone I actually hide more than I ever did. Now that I can actually dress up and feel like I fit in I do nothing.

The only thing stopping me is me. Fear that it will be the same. Rejection. I can’t go through everything I’ve already been through again. So what now?

RICKETS, SPINAL STENOSIS, OSTEOARTHRITIS, & A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE

I’ll start with what I have been diagnosed with and know for sure is accurate. There are a lot of big words with small definitions and some with more complicated explanations. I’ll try not to put you to sleep.

• Arthritis
• Osteoarthritis
• Degenerative Disc Disease
• Spondylolisthesis
• Spinal Stenosis
• Osteoporosis
• Familial Hypophosphatemia (vitamin D resistant Rickets)
• Bilateral Temporomandibular Joint Disorders

I have had problems with my back since my late teens. I never really thought about it. Most of my family has back problems. Mostly on my mom’s side.

My mom went to many, many, doctors. Almost all of them told her if she lost weight her pain would go away. I did not want the same said to me. So I ignored the pain.

In my late twenties I had begun to have back spasms and in my right hip I could hear a clicking when I walked. The spasms sometimes left me stuck in one place for long periods of time. When I was eventually stuck on the bathroom floor for 5 hours I decided it was time to see the Doctor.

There were X-rays taken and tests done. The verdict at the time was I was riddled with Arthritis in my hips, pelvis, and lower back. My Doctor also mentioned that a Hip Replacement wouldn’t be too far off. Hip Replacement? I was only in my late twenties.

There wasn’t much to be done about the Arthritis but deal with it. It wasn’t until my 30’s that things took a turn for the worse. I was working 50-60 hours a week, my mom had just passed away, I wasn’t taking care of myself, and I decided to lift a giant TV from the floor to about a foot above my head. Not one of my best ideas. I knew as soon as it happened. It felt like when you hit your funny bone only not funny.

Like everyone in my family except my mom, I waited to go to the Doctor. When I did she sent me for every test possible and while waiting for the results physical therapy. I managed a few sessions of physical therapy but when my back seized in the parking lot they refused to touch me. One of the therapists asked if my Doctor had talked to me yet. It had been a month. I told her no. She looked frustrated and said she couldn’t touch me until she knew what was going on. I gave her permission to call the place that did the imaging. The look on her face as she listened said it all.

A ruptured disc, 2 bulging above and 2 bulging below plus a lot more other problems that would have to be worked on. Who doesn’t let their patient know immediately that they are walking around with a ruptured disc in their back for over a month? I wasn’t happy.

I finally got answers. Some of it is genetic, some of it is because I have Celiac Disease and my immune system plays a part but it’s been a long road.

Osteoarthritis- cartilage between joints breaks down causing pain, stiffness, and swelling. The bones can over time break down and develop spurs. Towards the end stages cartilage wears away to nothing leaving bone on bone. I was told by one Doctor that once you reach the bone on bone stage the pain lessens. Doesn’t quite sound right but what do I know?

Degenerative Disc Disease- Discs help absorb shock between the bones of the spine and help the back stay flexible. These rubbery discs can shrink and lose flexibility causing pain. If the disc is dried out it can’t repair itself and will deteriorate. This happens mostly in the lower back and the neck.

Osteoporosis- When tissue breaks down faster than it can be replaced in bones. This makes the bones thinner and more likely to break. It also causes loss in height.

Spinal Stenosis- This is a narrowing of the spinal column that can press on the nerves in the spine causing neck and back pain. It also causes numbness or weakness in the arms or legs, or pain going down the leg. To diagnose this they usually do a MRI, CT, and Bone Scans. I also had a liquid dye injected into my spinal column so they could see what was going on more clearly.

Familial Hypophosphatemia-  This is a somewhat rare inherited disorder. It has to do with impaired transport of phosphate and altered vitamin D metabolism in the kidneys. Phosphate may not be well absorbed in the kidneys, in others the intestines. It causes softening of the bones, arthritis, spinal stenosis, and hip problems. Other adult symptoms are muscle cramps, bone spurs, dental problems, and hearing issues.(aka vitamin d resistant rickets)

I’ve had 5 Epidurals, a TENS machine, Physical Therapy, and medications I can’t take.

No one will do surgery because of a “domino effect” and that’s ok. I’m more worried about my neck now. I knew the stenosis went to the top of my spinal column but I’m hoping that isn’t what’s causing the pain. First thing in the morning I have to lift my head off my pillow with my hands because my neck is in too much pain.

W’s mom had similar problems with her neck and had to have discs replaced with cadaver bone. It was a long recovery. But she’s great now. I think it’s advanced since then. I would get second and third opinions before surgery and it wouldn’t be in my state.

You have to get second opinions. One Physician’s Assistant kept telling me my back pain was due to my mother’s death. She kept referring me to a Therapist. I know pain and the brain and can go together. I had enough finally and exploded. “My mother’s death didn’t cause a ruptured disc, bulging discs, Osteoarthritis, Osteoporosis, areas of my spine to be bone on bone or for me to go from 5’7″ to 5’6″ in a f*cking year!”. I never went back there for some reason.

Do your research but don’t over do it like I do. Always get a second opinion before surgery specifically with your back or neck. And never let the Doctor tell you what to do. There is no magic fix. Everything I read says Physical Therapy and Medications to ease Inflammation. As a last resort they will recommend surgery but most Doctors would advise against it unless absolutely necessary.

HOW SHOULD A “DO NOT RESUSCITATE” BE HANDLED IN THE ER WITH THE MENTALLY ILL

Our parents always taught us to respect people who were older than we were, anyone who was a professional or businessperson and Doctors. We said Mr. or Ms. and Dr. so and so. I never called my friends parents by their first names even when asked to. My friend W is the exact same. She called my mom Mrs. C until the day she died. Although my mom was funny, she wanted all of our friends to her mom. I didn’t like that. For those of them that came from shitty homes it was a wonderful thing. She cooked for them, made sure they had school supplies, and even clothed some of them. A few never forgot it and took her death as hard as we did. Honestly, I resented a few for it.

I was also taught that Doctors were right and to TRUST THEM. That one has come back to bite me in the ass more times than I can count. I do not trust any Doctor. I do not care if he has worked on the most famous bowels and bones in the World. I still do my research and learn what I can. I also request a copy of any MRI/CT scans with the findings. Doctors have a habit of leaving stuff out. They also will mention something in passing that leaves you sitting there thinking WTF? Am I supposed to worry about that or not? Then you can’t reach them.

The problem is I had all the signs of something bigger going on that no one caught on to. It could’ve prevented me from almost losing my life 6/23/15. When I went to the ER a nice Dr. O’Connell treated me and knew the results firsts. I was surprised when I read them myself recently. “Patient came in with Significant Threat To Life”. As a Bipolar Person that’s hard to read. Your entire life is spent feeling like you want to die and then death is there.

I remember him telling me to call my family and tell them to come to the Hospital as soon as possible. As usual no one answered. The only one with an excuse is my dad. He was in Dialysis.

A nurse came in next and asked in one breath if I “wanted to see their priest and sign a DNR”. Uhhh…..scuse me? I said “I’m an Atheist and I’ll sign the DNR”. Why not? My family couldn’t bother to pick up the phone, I wasn’t getting any better mentally or emotionally, so let the chips fall where they may. I was being wheeled from room to room, having a million tests, I was in and out of it, at some point I signed the DNR paper. It was in my chart that I am Bipolar with Conversion Disorder. I had actually spent a few weeks in their psychiatric ward when I was in my late teens.

At some point the nice Dr. came over to me. He had a chance to look at everything including the signing of the DNR. He had tears in his eyes. He pulled a chair close to the hospital bed. He told me “I’m not going to lie to you. I know you’re too smart for that. It looks bad right now. You are in Kidney Failure and we don’t know why. If we don’t find out soon and do something it will start to affect your other organs. I have to ask you, did you really want to sign this DNR?”. I asked him if it mattered. He replied “To me it does. Your kidneys have probably not been working right for a long time. This could’ve had an impact on your medications. I want to make sure that you are making this decision with a clear head”. When I heard that my kidneys could’ve been interfering with my medications it changed some things for me.

Then in one hurricane like moment my twin sister descended upon me. I literally mean she descended upon me. She didn’t watch out for the tubes, needles, or wires. She had me in a death grip and was sobbing. That was the second thing that changed my mind. When I told her I had signed a DNR she was furious. For once not at me.

Which leaves the question, in emergency situations should people with a history of Mental Health Issues be asked whether or not they want to sign a Do Not Resuscitate Order? Should I have the right to make that decision on my own?

I think the smartest thing to do is unfortunately think ahead. You can’t plan for some things. When you feel you are at your best mentally and emotionally sit down with someone you trust. Talk it out and then write down what it is you want to do in case of an emergency. You can have it notarized if you want but I don’t think it’s necessary and give a copy to your Primary Care Doctor. You can also keep a copy on you.

You never think it will happen until it does. You never know where your emotions or brain will be at when it does.

I told Dr. O’Connell “Most of my life I’ve spent wanting or even trying to die. Now it’s a real possibility and I feel numb about it.” It wasn’t until after I saw my sister that I realized I wasn’t numb I was in shock and scared. He knew that and I thank him for it.

The First Amendment, Social Media, And Cyberbullying (part II)*sensitive material*

This post may contain triggers and adult subject matter.

ME

I can’t remember the first time I hurt myself or the last. I do remember the overwhelming need to feel pain anywhere else than on the inside. The inside I could do nothing about.

There was no “Cyberbullying” when I was in school. I know I sound old but I have had the lucky fortune to experience it as an adult. I have to say that even as an adult I didn’t handle it well. I’m not sure anyone would. Who really wants to hear or read negative things about themselves? In my case I think them about myself most of the time with short windows of manic activity so I suffer enough. For some people (I use that term loosely) it isn’t enough. They can’t tolerate anyone different form them or anyone whose afflictions or differences they can’t comprehend.

If anyone thought when I was younger that I didn’t own a scale or a mirror they were bigger idiots than I thought. BUT as a kind woman once told me at the jewelry factory I worked at when I was 12, “You can still lose weight. They’ll still be ugly.” She meant inside. And even if she didn’t that’s what I took from it. I forgot it at times and was ugly on the inside and always regretted sinking to that level. Most of the time the person doing the bullying is craving attention mostly because they never received it themselves when needed most. It still does not excuse the behavior or make the statistics go down any smoother.

STUDIES AND STATISTICS

The University of Alberta’s Researcher Michele Hamm and her colleagues sifted through recent studies on Cyberbullying and Social Media. Thirty six of the studies specifically researched the link between Health and Cyberbullying in children ages 12-18.

ONE THING FOR CERTAIN, EXPOSURE TO CYBERBULLYING INCREASES THE CHANCES OF DEPRESSION. THE MORE CYBERBULLYING A PERSON SUFFERS THE MORE SEVERE HIS/HER DEPRESSION WILL BECOME.

• Bullied students tend to grow up more socially anxious, have less self-esteem, and require more mental health services throughout life.
• Over 160,000 miss school everyday due to bullying.
• 38% of online girls report being bullied compared to 26% of boys.
• Girls 15-17 are bullied more than any other age group.

RESPONSIBILITY?

Where does the responsibility lie? Parents? Social Media? The School System?

All of the above.

We know that in the time we live in most parents work. There’s nothing wrong with that, if you still manage to make the time needed to talk to your children. If you are just going to work, coming home and putting them to bed, it isn’t enough. Before anyone says it I will. I do not have children, I have nieces and nephews. What I am qualified in is years of torment and suffering at the hands of all kinds of bullies.

Monitor Your Children’s Social Media for Warning Signs

Sites like Tumblr and Instagram have a difficult time controlling the content on their sites. They have tried up to a point. The biggest problem they are up against are self harm, suicide, and pro anorexia sites or content.

The only thing Tumblr and Instagram are able to do is have a message pop up with information on where you can go to learn more or get support for anorexia, self harm, or suicidal thoughts.

But these people are not stupid. They carefully hide their agenda with hashtags and what they think are clever names. I’m only going to give ONE EXAMPLE. I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE ANY OF THESE GROUPS MORE ATTENTION THAN THEY ALREADY RECEIVE.

Instagram has a site/group #sue with 800,000 tagged posts. It serves as a “how to”, “fantasy”, “successful tips”, you name it. There are darker sites for anorexia that have not been monitored.

Everyone has choices in life. Some of the people visiting these sites are not fully formed people yet. Scientists now know that our brains do not reach full maturity until our early 20’s. Except for me because I started drinking heavily at 16/17 and that delays maturity. If a depressed, anxious, teenager with low self esteem visits one of these sites chances are it won’t end well. Their brains are not fully formed, they think what they are going through will never end, that they will forever be the fat/nerdy kid who was picked on. They do not see an alternative to their situation. They don’t know that 10 to 15 years from now most of the same people that picked on them are going to be fat, bald, divorced, have too many kids that they resent, look like they’re happy but are secretly miserable, and were probably miserable back then too. That’s what Reunions are for.

There is another side I feel I have to talk about. If someone has taken their own life, it was their choice. No one has a right to pass judgement on them or their families. Walk a mile. More than half of you wouldn’t make it.

If you need help it is out there. There are people of all ages that have gone through something similar.

 

 

 

Entitlement And The First Amendment

We have reached a point in our Society where too many people feel a certain amount of entitlement. They feel they are entitled to say whatever they want to whoever they want without any thought to who it may hurt.

THE FIRST AMENDMENT

You are allowed to express yourself without interference or constraint by the government.

WHAT’S PROHIBITED?

Fighting Words~ speech that would incite hatred or violence.

Advocating Illegal Activity~ speech encouraging others to engage in illegal activity.

There are limitations placed on speech like obscenity and defamation which are monitored but not prohibited.

When Social Media came along the Supreme Court had to take another look at the First Amendment but found that most of the responsibility would fall into the hands of the FCC who already had their hands full. Most of the sludge that should be flagged slips through their fingertips.

JUST MY OPINION

Lately when I go on YouTube or Twitter I find myself in a state of anger or disbelief. I become defensive on behalf of someone I either don’t know or if I do I can’t say it and defend them. It drives me crazier!!!! (I don’t want to hear about how I wrote the word crazy when I am crazy and I can call myself that if I want)

Maybe there should be a test given before you are allowed free reign over the internet or social media. Some of the test would involve IQ type questions and some psychological type questions. Makes sense to me because then I don’t feel the need to make an ass out of myself defending a good person you just called an “irrelevant teen without a soul sell out douchebag”. Green Day members are all in their 40’s! Who’s the American Idiot??! Irrelevant? Does Bono call you and talk about what you both can do to help a charity or cause? Didn’t think so. Irrelevant? Did you take a Punk/Rock album to Broadway??!!

I know I go on about this stuff but these are actual people that were once children. Some of them had great childhoods, some of them didn’t. Some worked their asses off to get where they are. Some have never forgotten who helped them along the way.

Look, I personally know some people that I do not have permission to name. They are great people. One in particular. He made sure my sister and her boyfriend had a couch when they needed one, he wants to be treated like a regular person when he visits and has stayed at their house enjoying the kids, he spent time with a homeless drug addict dying from AIDS (my Uncle Jimmy) when he didn’t have to, and he helped make my sister’s wedding even more special than it already was. Even though another Uncle asked for 50 autographs to sell on Ebay. He didn’t mind. My sister likes to keep up appearances. She doesn’t have to. Yes, some are assholes and act like it. But you don’t know what they have been through or what their real lives are like. Because they are on Facebook or Twitter doesn’t mean it’s open season to take petty shots at them anymore than it would be to do the same to me or anyone else.

CONCLUSION

I just don’t understand the trashing/bashing of celebrities that you chose to follow or chose to watch for the sole purpose of trying to embarrass or humiliate them.

In case you don’t realize it you’re a gnat, a flea in their universe, you only manage to annoy people like me. A thing that is highly ill advised given my fragile state. Wait? Did I over exercise my First Amendment Right?

 

 

DEPRESSION MAKES IT HARD TO BREATHE

When you are left alone all day with nothing but tv voices and your own Bipolar Depression it’s like a horror movie. One where you are trapped in a maze, running in circles, no way out.

If you had someone to talk to, you couldn’t really tell them anything because they would want to put you in the hospital. How sometimes just knowing what people think of you is enough to make you quit. You’re so tired from trying to remember who you are supposed to pretend to be. You sometimes look at old scars and blue veins, watch the blood pulsing, and you don’t even realize you’re doing it. You’re scared there is just more darkness so you leave it alone.

You wait and wait for a something big to happen. It’s never going to. This is it. Crying on your couch, taking your meds, and talking to your dog. Every single fucking day for the rest of your life because you are paralyzed by fear and judgement and self hatred. I’m done.

 

TWITTER BOOBS (I have to clarify my statements again)

The people that were commenting on a podcast I was listening to about breasts were doing so in a comedic manor. They were not trying to be sexist or hurt anyone’s feelings. I have a tendency to take things personally because of my own problems with self-esteem and body image.

When I look in the mirror most of the time I don’t like what I see. I still see a 270 pound woman who was bullied and mocked for most of her life. That’s my problem no one else’s.

My family has never even commented on the fact that I am literally half the person I used to be. No one has said a positive thing about the way I look. They have commented when my weight went down to 119 pounds that I looked “horrible”, “skeleton like”, “anorexic”, and “sickly”. They were correct. I didn’t know I was in Kidney Failure and that was why my weight kept dropping. Now that I am at a healthy weight they say nothing. I don’t understand the reasoning behind this. Again it goes back to validation. Something I always seem to want. It’s something I have always struggled with. The need to fit in or to feel like I belong. Part of it is because I’m Bipolar and the feeling never goes away completely.

It isn’t easy to live a life where you constantly feel uncomfortable no matter where you are or who you are with. When you live with nonstop doubt in your head and feel you were never meant to be or exist.

This feeling is compounded by being a twin. For some reason I have always thought there should’ve only been one of us, my sister. She is the “normal” one. She has done everything that I imagine a “normal” woman would do. She went to college, dated, got engaged, married, bought a house, and had 2 children. I wasn’t able to do any of that and wondered if it was for a reason.

I have to try harder than most people to distract my brain from focusing on these thoughts. It isn’t easy. Medication and therapy has not been successful due to my late diagnosis, alcoholism, and other factors. But I keep trying. I will always make mistakes. I will always own up to them if I can realize that I’ve made them. Talking openly about it is the only way I know to work through it.

PETTINESS IN ME

Truth time. I find myself feeling jealous and angry way more times than I would like. It’s my own fault. I realize that. I had unreal expectations and I have to admit there were reasons I never lost weight previously. None of these reasons were medical.

There was a part of my diseased brain that thought if I could only be “skinny” my life would be perfect.

There was a bigger part of my diseased brain that thought “what if you lose weight and still no one loves you? Or you’re still treated like dirt and stay alone?”.

There was a part of my healthy brain that said “let’s not find out”.

I watched the people around me, taking in every detail, mannerism, and personality. I tried to mimic what was successful for other people. You can only do that for so long before you lose yourself. I lost myself and became someone I didn’t recognize. I still don’t recognize.

With each person in my life I have to be someone different. I have to try hard to remember what I can talk about and what I can’t. I have to know who I can be honest with and who I have to pretend with. The honest side has just gone to 0 as of an hour ago.

I talked to my best friend W about an hour ago. I know in the last few years she doesn’t want to hear anything “negative”. This means health issues, family problems, world wide problems or causes, nothing. This leaves her yard, her cats, her job, and her car. Today I told her I was considering a trip back to L.A. in December. She wanted to know why. I told her she didn’t want to hear negative stuff on a Holiday. She said to tell her. I told her it’s been stressful with my Dad and sister, I was going to continue but she cut me off.

She said “Instead of running or going on vacation every time and wasting money why don’t you save it instead. It isn’t going to get better with your Dad you need to start thinking about moving out. Some us wish we could just “take a vacation” every time we get stressed”. I held my tongue but I was furious. She squirrels away her money like Howard Hughes never letting anyone know how much she really has. I know. It’s enough to buy a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom house in cash. She doesn’t like to pay for anything.

I don’t like being questioned about how I spend my money and why. I don’t want to tell people that I might not be here in year or two so I want to do some things now while I can. As far as leaving my dad alone or putting him in a home, it isn’t happening. If I have to take little vacations to clear my head and relax than I will. It’s called a Credit Card. And as my dear mum always told me “D, You can’t get blood from a stone”.

Back to jealousy. I have 2 followers on Twitter. It shouldn’t bother me. It does bother me. This constant need to fit in and be liked. The hope that someone will say something positive about how I look is the hardest part to admit. Validation. I’ve never had it. Do I need it? Sometimes I think everyone feels they do at some point.

When I see someone I follow “like” or “Follow” someone that isn’t me but your stereotypical woman you would see in a Russian Strip Club for the mafia, fur coat and all, it puts a dent in your self esteem. I feel like an idiot for having any feelings about it at all. I think when I’m manic I get the idea that everyone should think I’m great. When they don’t I go one the defensive.

I miss dressing up, going out, and drinking. It seemed so much easier then. I know I hurt people, mostly I hurt myself. My parents were always worried about what I was doing and when I was coming home. The real damage was done to myself. I don’t like to say I’m in recovery or even sober anymore. Remission is my word. It doesn’t mean I’m making plans to drink, I would vomit right now if I did. It means if I did relapse there isn’t as much shame and guilt attached. You get back up and carry on. You don’t “start over”. This deters people from continuing their sobriety. When you tell them that one night erases 15 years and they have to start over some of them think “Why bother?”. That shouldn’t be the case. 15 years shouldn’t disappear because of 1 night. I strongly disagree with that.

Ok, I’ll wrap it up because I’m tired. I am thankful for my Dad, my animals, my sister, my brother, the love my mother gave me, movies, music, adult coloring, and Cocoa Pebbles.

 

 

A LIST OF SOME OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITE MOVIES (Because we don’t do Holidays anymore)

I love movies. I have watched thousands of them. Managing two video stores for at least 13 years I was able to watch as many movies as I wanted. I still went to the movies also. I watched many movies before I started working for the video store. They were a way to escape from my depression. I would watch 5 movies in a day if I wasn’t working. I also read thousands of books but my eyes can’t handle reading or the concentration it takes to read anymore.

There were times when movies were all I had. There still are. So here is a list of my favorite, some may be obscure and when someone asks what is my number 1 favorite I always get an odd look when I answer.

• Platoon~ 1986 Charlie Sheen, Willem Dafoe (One of the best movies about the Vietnam war ever made Willem Dafoe shows up in a few of my picks)
• Gladiator~ 2000 Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix (Brilliant script and acting Joaquin Phoenix actually steals some scenes, the battle scenes were shot beautifully)
• Gangs of New York~ 2002 Leonardo DiCaprio, Daniel Day-Lewis (I’m Irish, I loved Daniel Day-Lewis in this I watch it every time it comes on. I’m not a DiCaprio or Diaz fan but they did their jobs)
• Fandango~ 1985 Kevin Costner, Judd Nelson (One of few comedies on my list but me and my friend W quote from this all the time. We love the sky diving instructor.)
• Reservoir Dogs~ 1992 Harvey Keitel, Tim Roth, Tarantino (Does it need explaining?)
• Bronson~ 2008 Tom Hardy (Plays a real life convict who turns a small sentence into a life sentence, uses an alter ego based on Charles Bronson to cope. It really shows what solitary confinement does and the mindset of some prisoners. Hardy is in the majority of the scenes by himself and does his best acting.)
• Valhalla Rising~ 2009 Mads Mikkelsenn (Mads plays the Viking slave “One Eye” there isn’t much dialogue but what Mads has to say he does so with his one eye and body language perfectly)
• Unforgiven~ 1992 Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman (I love a good western and this delivers. The cinematography and acting has no flaws.)
• Bram Stoker’s Dracula~ Gary Oldman, Wynona Ryder (I don’t care I love the opening scene where he denounces God and that explains his creation, I also love Gary Oldman’s portrayal of Dracula he’s sexy either way)
• Johnny Dangerously~ 1984 Michael Keaton (A comedy about gangster who’s mother doesn’t allow him to swear. My best friend and I quote often from this one too although we might have changed a few you fargen icehole.)
• Million Dollar Baby~ 2004 Clint Eastwood, Hilary Swank (I took my dad to see this in the theater. We both stayed in our seats when the film ended. I could see my dad’s eyes were watery and knew I was right, it was a great film.)
• Empire of The Sun~ 1987 Christian Bale, John Malkovich (One of the first films Bale ever did and it was a huge one at such a young age. My sister and I both love this film. It’s heartbreaking.)
• Leon: The Professional~ 1994 Gary Oldman Jean Reno (Action/Mafia/Hitman film with heart)
• The Wrestler~ 2008 Mickey Rourke (He should’ve won the Oscar for this performance, it was the best of his career. It’s also a film that tells the truth of what really happens to some wrestlers when they are no longer popular or can’t wrestle anymore. One example would be Jake “The Snake” Roberts, there are many others. If you added up all of the deaths in the WWF/WWE it pretty staggering.)
• Amadeus~ 1984 Tom Hulce, F. Murray Abraham (The story of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart told by his rival Antonio Salieri. Hulce portrays Amadeus with a child like lust for life who takes nothing seriously. It’s the reason women love him and his rivals hate him. I still adore this film.)
• Pan’s Labyrinth~ 2006 Guillermo Del toro (Foreign film which I was annoyed that no one in the audience was aware of and started walking out because they actually had to read. It was one of the best of his films, I cried at the end.)
• The Revenant~ 2015 Tom Hardy Leonardo DiCaprio (Fur traders and military men in the wilderness are attacked. The scenery is stunning, the silence is necessary, DiCaprio does all of his acting with his eyes and facial expressions, he is at his absolute best, Tom Hardy is actually despicable and I didn’t even find him despicable in Bronson!)
• NightBreed~ 1990 Clive Barker (One of my favorite adapted Clive Barker films. I’m not sure why, maybe I secretly wish there was a secret place for us outcasts, unwanted and freaks.)
• Hellraiser~ 1987 Clive Barker (What can I say? It’s Pinhead!! But seriously a mind that can create that kind of detailed version of Hell has to be either mad or genius.)
• The Machinist~ 2004 Christian Bale (I honestly had no idea how this was going to play out until almost the end. This is how a movie like this should be. I have one issue and that is I hope Mr. Bale refrains from accepting anymore parts that require him to drastically lose and gain weight. I personally would like to see more of his acting and that won’t happen with continued stress on his heart. He’s too brilliant for that.)

There really isn’t much to pick from these days. There are no sagas. I hate paying for a movie that is 1 hour and 40 minutes of nothing. If I pay give me at least 2 hours of something I can sink my teeth into. Why hasn’t anyone tackled Geek Love as a movie? Instead of remaking old movies there a million original books that can be made into movies. I’ll never understand.

BREASTS AND TWITTER MAKE YOU A BOOB

I recently listened to a radio podcast where the people speaking were discussing Twitter. A person was trying to get herself unblocked. One of them asked why “am I blocking this cute girl with tits” this is not an exact quote but close to it. They were looking at other followers and commenting on how he would usually follow a cute girl with tits. By the way I hate the word “tits” for some reason. I don’t know why I always have.

I was once a size 42DD and it wasn’t attractive at all. Some men were fascinated by them but forgot that real breasts that large are not like porn breasts of the same size. There is gravity at play and other factors. Sorry guys I don’t mean to spoil it for you but that’s the way it is. Women with real large breasts are going to have some sagging and most likely some stretch marks thrown in also. Deal with it.

My neck, shoulders and back hurt constantly. I consulted a few of the best Doctors about getting a breast reduction. Unfortunately even after I did all of my homework he still botched the job. He took me from a 42DD to a 40 barely B. For someone of my shape and bone structure I looked absurd. Now it isn’t so bad because I’m smaller.

I am still left with scars that are significant. They bother me physically and emotionally. I let my sister see them for the first time a year ago and she cried. I had the surgery over 11 years ago. When she finished crying her first words were “I would support you if you wanted to get implants even though I’m against them”. Thanks for loving me the way I am.

When I take selfies I focus on my best assets. My hair, eyes, smile, etc. I have also been told that I have great legs and my ass isn’t bad either but I’m not taking selfies of them.

You learn the most about a person from their eyes. So like them or don’t but this is me.

Ok, I’m showing my legs but I cut myself shaving so they aren’t that great. The one with Sebastian Bach isn’t great either but these are all I could find.