I was reading an alleged interview with Colin Farrell recently. In the interview he was quoted that he was scared to have sex sober for the first time and waited awhile before he did. I thought it was an extremely honest thing to say. These things are rarely talked about in recovery as far as I know. I’ve never heard anyone talk about it and I went to AA for 2 years and various other programs. Maybe you’re expected to only speak to your therapist about it if you can afford one.
I started drinking at 17, my first kiss was at 17 and I was drunk. The first time I held hands or slow danced with a man I was also drunk. I have never been on a date. I have never had an actual “boyfriend”. When you’re a drunk and an undiagnosed Bipolar person who believes they are worthless you try to prove your worth unfortunately in the wrong ways. Sometimes I was just manic and when I was manic I could drink more. I would act like a cat stalking it’s prey. Don’t ask how I even succeeded. I was over 200 pounds with bleach blond hair. I had pretty blue eyes, a pretty smile and good skin. I also had style for a plus sized women and always had the right make up, perfume, clothes and hair. I also went on spending sprees when manic. But I still couldn’t have been that appealing in my over confident, cocky, delusional, drunken state. I still managed to make myself a reputation. One for brawling and the other for well you know.
I am 42 years old now and I have been sober for 6 years. I wasn’t diagnosed as Bipolar until about 5 years ago. I still have not done any of those things sober. Right now I’m sick and thinking I might not ever hold, kiss, or slow dance with a man sober. Or go on a date. I guess the date comes first? lol What do I know. I’m no longer the girl that gave it all away in the hope that someone would love her. I’m stronger now, not a lot , but enough to know my worth. Maybe this will help others that are scared. Life is short. Find a kind, funny, person and go for it. You never know what the future might bring and be honest.