I was reading an alleged interview with Colin Farrell recently. In the interview he was quoted that he was scared to have sex sober for the first time and waited awhile before he did. I thought it was an extremely honest thing to say. These things are rarely talked about in recovery as far as I know. I’ve never heard anyone talk about it and I went to AA for 2 years and various other programs. Maybe you’re expected to only speak to your therapist about it if you can afford one.
I started drinking at 17, my first kiss was at 17 and I was drunk. The first time I held hands or slow danced with a man I was also drunk. I have never been on a date. I have never had an actual “boyfriend”. When you’re a drunk and an undiagnosed Bipolar person who believes they are worthless you try to prove your worth unfortunately in the wrong ways. Sometimes I was just manic and when I was manic I could drink more. I would act like a cat stalking it’s prey. Don’t ask how I even succeeded. I was over 200 pounds with bleach blond hair. I had pretty blue eyes, a pretty smile and good skin. I also had style for a plus sized women and always had the right make up, perfume, clothes and hair. I also went on spending sprees when manic. But I still couldn’t have been that appealing in my over confident, cocky, delusional, drunken state. I still managed to make myself a reputation. One for brawling and the other for well you know.
I am 42 years old now and I have been sober for 6 years. I wasn’t diagnosed as Bipolar until about 5 years ago. I still have not done any of those things sober. Right now I’m sick and thinking I might not ever hold, kiss, or slow dance with a man sober. Or go on a date. I guess the date comes first? lol What do I know. I’m no longer the girl that gave it all away in the hope that someone would love her. I’m stronger now, not a lot , but enough to know my worth. Maybe this will help others that are scared. Life is short. Find a kind, funny, person and go for it. You never know what the future might bring and be honest.
I have written about some of these topics before but they have come up again and I need to get them out somehow. My family has a hard time understanding any of it and are part of the problem.
Most of my life I have felt the need to prove I am “good enough”, “that I belong”, and I am not “worthless”. I have always felt this way and those feelings were reinforced by kids at school and sometimes family. I’ve mentioned before my twin sister and even though we are not identical aunts and uncles would get us confused. Their way of telling us apart was by me being the fat one and my sister the thin one. Even my mom would say things without thinking. Introducing my sister as the one in college with a boyfriend and turning to me and saying “oh and that’s her sister”. I never said anything, not even when I was laughed at in school and called names.
In high school I would go to parties with my best friend. My sister-in-law’s brother went to school with us and went to the same parties. He was cute and popular and so were his friends. I remember one of them mooing at me one night, my sister-in-law’s brother said nothing. I just drank more. This happened a few times until I was drunk enough to tell them off. It made things worse. I started showing up with a few guys from a new crowd that were older and bigger, they left me alone then. Problem was the new crowd was way worse.
When I went to bars I always tried to look my best even at 250 pounds. If a guy I liked was ignoring me I would drink more and act like an ass. Proving points my friend Christian called it. He also said I was proving points to people who weren’t worth it and I was hurting myself. He was right. I had been proving points my whole life.
My niece’s graduation party is soon and there will be people there I haven’t seen in a long time. They don’t know I have lost over 120 pounds and now have red hair. I mentioned wearing something nice to my sister and she got mad. She said it wasn’t my day or about me. She doesn’t understand how it feels to be at family functions constantly tugging on your clothes because you feel fat and ugly. I’m also thinner than her now it makes her mad. Where was she when I was being spit on and being called “a fat f**king pig”? She was having fun at college. She knows the humiliation I went through she just worries about herself. So I was told not to dress up or anything. My sister-in-law’s brother will be there. Did I mention he would flirt with me if we were alone? Funny. I will look my best no matter what anyone says. I’m not going to wear an evening gown or anything but I’ll try to look nice because I always did anyway. Shame on anyone that wants to take that away from me. To finally be ok with myself at 42 I think I deserve it.