The Power of Grief

You read about the stages of grief. Denial, anger, depression, etc. but there really is no timeline for grief. Is it a year? Is it 7 years? I don’t know. I have read that people who have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder feel grief stronger and longer than a person without Bipolar Disorder. I believe this to be true based on my own experiences.

I still grieve for lost pets. The grief I feel for my mom is at times unbearable. It gets to the point where I can’t function. I cry, stutter, and shake for most of the day. This usually happens in April and February. April is when her birthday is and you have Mother’s Day around the same time. February is the month she passed away in.

Today was an extremely bad day for me. I don’t know why. I knew it as soon as I woke up. I tried all my tricks and nothing was working. I decided to go get an iced coffee for me and my dad. Of course as I was walking up our front steps I dropped mine. I was then yelled at for making a mess. Mind you it was outside and a hose is next to the steps. I said I would clean it up but was told I wouldn’t do it right. My dad is weird about the yard and landscaping. I felt like more of a burden. His birthday is tomorrow and he will be 72. He’s on dialysis and cleaning up my mess. So of course I am inside crying. Which frustrates him and makes him feel helpless so he yells. I decide to call it a day at 2pm. I hide in my room, watch movies then I’ll go to bed and hope tomorrow is different.

People tell me I should be over my grief by now. I should be handling it better. They’re right I probably should. I have tried counseling and can’t remember the tools. I did write them down somewhere. There are online websites that have them listed but they don’t seem to help. My sister thinks I like to be in misery and pain. I’m comfortable there. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I have no idea what I’m doing. I do know on a sunny day with the sun on my face I want to feel happy and today I didn’t. That has to change or what’s the point? So some phone calls have to be made, I don’t want to make them but I have no choice anymore. When my dad looks at me with tears of his own and tells me he can’t take much more I know I’m in trouble. He is my only support. I lose him I have nothing. It’s up to me now. Even if it takes ECT again I am that desperate.

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