I started this blog about alcoholism and being diagnosed Bipolar because I had some had experiences in therapy and in programs for alcoholics. Some do really well with therapy and substance abuse programs. I just wasn’t one of them.And before anyone can say I didn’t give either a chance I will tell you that I attended meetings for 2 years and saw many therapists. I was court appointed to a drug and alcohol therapist for almost 2 years. She was very nice but I didn’t stop drinking, this wasn’t her fault she didn’t know what she was dealing with.
I live in a small state. The smallest in fact. Eventually you run into someone who knows somebody that knows you. That wasn’t really the problem I didn’t think I was invisible when I drank. I did manage to hide it well from family and work. I just never felt I could speak honestly at meetings. The old timers ran everything no matter where you went. They didn’t tolerate certain kinds of sharing and you were publicly admonished if they thought what you shared was inappropriate. It made me angry and I am not a person that says anything. There were a few like me but not many. I was dealing with an undiagnosed mental illness at the time so my experiences were a little different. I had a sponsor that wanted 3 meetings a day out of me. I worked 50 hours a week and helped with my mom who was going through cancer. She was “I found time to drink I could find time for the meetings”. I drank at night usually on the weekends by this time so that didn’t t make sense to me. Then came the “we are not a religious organization but we say a prayer at the end of every meeting and if you don’t you will be given the stink eye and ostracized” thing. I know it isn’t like this everywhere but in my state it is.
When you are Bipolar you find it extremely difficult to socialize. When you are forced to it just makes things worse. Family, friends, and acquaintances have questioned my writing this blog. Some are even upset. I have told them not to read it. I don’t use anyone’s names except my own. My doctor thinks this is good for me because I am medication resistant and therapy resistant due to some cognitive issues and memory problems. I even got a second opinion just to shut up some people that had threatened to stop talking to me unless I went to therapy. Here’s another thing. There are only 6 therapists in my state taking Medicare right now and not one of them is seeing New patients. But I am to blame. This is what I deal with daily. In a 3 minute phone conversation with my sister the other day she said the words “if you were normal” at least 4 times. She said she couldn’t handle me anymore and sisters don’t talk on the phone everyday. I always thought they did especially when their father is in kidney failure and they have lost their mom and are twins. My mistake. I am an embarrassment to her. I always have been and she is afraid people will find out exactly how she treats her family. Too bad I am not going to pretend I am something I’m not always being compared to the one that went to college, got married, has 2 beautiful children, has traveled everywhere, was never called the fat one and never had to change our mother’s diaper. She can play the victim all she wants but I am officially done. If this means I am alone so be it. I would have given anything to have children and have someone tell me they love me instead of trying to drink myself to death because I never thought I was good enough for this world. Thinking I was so useless and disgusting I would give myself to anyone to try and prove I wasn’t. It’s why I have been celibate for years now because I do not have to prove anything. I still hurt inside but I am deciding not to show it anymore if I can, my stutter gives me away but maybe if I stop talking it will be ok.