Love, Hate, Jealousy And Sibling Rivalry

The word Love means to treasure, respect, and cherish. Hate means to loathe, detest, and despise. Jealousy means to envy, be resentful, and spiteful. I feel all of these when it comes to my fraternal twin sister. Experts would call this Sibling Rivalry. I wouldn’t.

Scientists and Psychologists who have researched the subject say it has to do with the birth order and your parents. Maybe. My mother could have fed into the problem a little. The experts talk a lot about competitiveness. We never really were. I didn’t find out how my sister honestly felt until a few years ago. I was hurt and surprised. Our relationship has been going slowly downhill from there.

When I look back on things I feel like a fool. All the money I gave her, the gifts I bought her, and the favors I did. I did all of these things because I love her and I wanted her to love me back the same way. I didn’t know that wasn’t possible.

I still try to make her love me more. Even though I know you can’t force someone to do something they aren’t capable of. She does love me, I’m just not in her top 5. It sounds silly but it’s the only way to explain it.

My dad thinks I hate my sister or I am jealous of her. This is because I do complain about her frequently. I just can’t wrap my brain around her selfish disregard.

She hardly ever calls our father. He’s on dialysis and depressed. Her excuse is that he knows how to use a phone too. She NEVER answers her phone. She NEVER checks her messages. I had to text 911 in ER KIDNEY FAILURE! while my hands were shaking and the doctors were working on me because she wasn’t answering when the Hospital kept calling. She monitors her calls but reads any texts. I would’ve called my dad but he was at dialysis.

She told me a few years ago, after our mom died that I got all the attention and she got none. I got attention because I’m a screw up. My parents were too worried about me killing myself, getting arrested, and drinking to acknowledge all of her accomplishments. She had to pay her own way through college, (not true), and be “the good one”. My parents helped her with college and she chose to live in a house near campus even though our house was only 15 minutes from the college. This put a strain on my parents finances. Our family was lower middle-class. She didn’t care. I even paid her rent on many occasions when she had spent what my parents had given her. I didn’t go to college. She resented me but didn’t mind taking money from me. I was not allowed to go to her house near the college. I guess I can’t blame her because I was drinking. I wasn’t drunk 24 hours a day 7 days a week. She could’ve had me over for lunch without my turning into a monster and guzzling all the booze in the place. She never answered her phone then either.

When my mother was sick she would moan and cry throughout the night. She couldn’t make it to the bathroom a lot towards the end but refused Adult Diapers. She was embarrassed and we didn’t know just how bad she was. I would have to get up in the middle of the night to clean her and change the bed. I slept little that year. I worked 50 or more hours a week and took care of my mom. My sister was nowhere to be found. She was living with her husband and expecting her first child. She was so happy and excited. My mom was too but she was sad because she wanted to be a part of everything but instead my sister was going to her mother-in-law. It hurt my mom to know this. At the baby shower my mom was put in a corner and made comfortable out of sight. I was furious. Meanwhile all the guests were saying sorry to my sister because it must be so stressful to deal with having your first baby and a sick parent. I wanted to scream “She doesn’t deal! I do!”. But what would be the point? I had a chance to take a vacation at the end of the 5th month of her pregnancy. I didn’t want to go far because of my mom. I decided to ask my sister if she wanted to go to Salem, MA with me for a few days to relax. She was happy and said yes. She was happy because she expected me to pay for everything. Her husband called me to tell me that they didn’t have any money  for her to go with me I would have to pay. I was lonely and overwhelmed so I did.

I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone. I mostly hurt myself. Now I torture myself with memories trying to figure out how I can make things better. The truth is I’ve apologized enough, I’ve paid for the things I’ve done ten times over. I can’t do it anymore.

What I Thought And What It Is: Being A Twin

She came out 5 minutes after me. A beautiful blue eyed baby girl. Right away they said she was different than me. She demanded her bottle, pushed my hand away from her, and knew what she wanted. I was the quieter one, patiently waiting to be noticed or for my turn to come.

I had problems early on with things like nosebleeds in my crib. It was the kind on wheels and unfortunately one night I had stood up and smeared blood all over the walls while rocking the crib across the floor. My parents had gone out for the evening so when the babysitter came in she thought I had been stabbed and called the police. Not good. So I mistakenly received attention. I also had a habit of rocking or bouncing my head to get to sleep or in the car. Another oddity. As twins my mother liked to dress us the same. We’re fraternal but people still had trouble telling us apart. My sister loathed the idea. I didn’t mind.

Starting in kindergarten they separated us. Twins were not allowed to be in the same classes at all. This frightened me and excited/relieved my sister.

I was not allowed to have the same friends as my sister. This was her rule not mine.

As we got older she would borrow money from me for rent or food. I never got it back but I thought she’s my twin sister it’s ok.

She never liked it when I introduced her as my twin sister. She would say ” Why do you have to do that? Why does everyone have to know we are twins? Why does it matter?”

It mattered because no one will ever know her or love her longer or stronger than I do.

I always thought twins shared a special bond. We don’t. I’ve tried so hard to get her to love and accept me, to just spend time with me, I have begged. It falls on deaf ears. When she says she can’t because she’s meeting friends I want to scream. She knows why I’m asking. She knows I’m at the end of my rope. She just doesn’t want to deal with it. But she expects me to deal with her issues or she’ll never talk to me again.

I’m having a biopsy on Friday and it’s risky. My poor dad has to drop me off before going to dialysis because she has to meet her friend. She might be there when I wake up. The Dr. called last night for me to get a prescription because when I went for my pre-op test the urine test was complete blood. It even shocked the lab tech. So this biopsy is now riskier. I do not do well with anesthesia. I usually wake up crying. I am better if I see a familiar face. Why did I always think we should be closer? That being twins gave us a special bond? Was it the movies, tv, books, or my own imagination? This is another feeling of grief I can’t let go of.