Suicide Shaming

I was scrolling through Instagram recently when a picture popped up of a musician who had done a charity event for a friend who had died in a car accident. He didn’t do much performing from what I understand he mostly talked. There were other musicians that performed but his name was more recognizable. I read the comments which I usually don’t like to do but I’m a glutton for punishment.

The musician I’m referring to had made comments about how his friend deserved a tribute unlike the “cowards who took the easy way out” these may not be his exact words because it’s been removed from Instagram in the last few hours.

He’s known for putting his large foot in his mouth and not really caring until it starts to interfere with his ticket sales or Social Media numbers. Then he back peddles.

I’ve always admired his vocal range and song writing. I read several interviews where he said he was sober. They were from reputable sources and he also said it on a TV interview. When another musician overdosed he had said that he didn’t understand because they had just had dinner together and were both sober.

This is a case of people in glass houses. Unless you’re perfect keep your comments to yourself.

I’ve met you, watched you drink from a bottle of Red under your chair, recognized the bluish-purple stain of your teeth, talked to you while you were drunk in the last 2 years. I don’t think you’ve ever truly been sober for any length of time. You belong to that secret club that believes you can drink as long as it’s “controlled”. There are other people in this club I know and it doesn’t work.

You have no right to say who deserves something and who doesn’t. You’re drinking to mask a pain you don’t want to face. These people were trying to face their pain but combined with mental illness it was maybe too much. I don’t know and you don’t know what was going on. I do know the pain, shame, and hopelessness you feel while at your lowest point. You don’t even think of reaching out. Some of us don’t have anyone to reach out to. We fear hospitalization because honestly it’s horrendous.

There’s no simple answer to this subject. It’s complex because every human is different with different brain chemistry, genetics, environment, life experience, you can’t predict or pretend to know what a person is feeling or how they will react.

I see more and more self-help propaganda that frustrates me to no end. We are talking about the brain. It’s so complex that the top scientists in the World admit they just don’t know when it comes to serious mental illness and brain disorders. THEY DON’T KNOW.

But go ahead and take advice from a person with no degree in Medicine, Psychiatry, Neurology or Neuropharmacology because they would know right?1037361horace-poet-it-is-the-false-shame-of-fools-to-try-to-conceal-wounds

Black Hole Sun~Until You’ve Been There

I was reprimanded today for crying over someone I did not know personally. The problem is in a way I did know him. I knew when I heard the news at 7:30 a.m. this morning what had most likely happened.

My sister sent me a text saying she had been crying all morning and we went back and forth a little. She has not talked to me in what for us is a long time. The communication stopped immediately when details were released later today. I knew she would discontinue communication when she learned what I already knew.

The life expectancy of someone with a severe mental illness like Bipolar Disorder is much shorter than the average person. If the person also has an alcohol/drug addiction you can take off a few more years even if they are now sober. I’ve done all the research there is do. I have a thing for statistics and research.

I cry over someone who writes lyrics that explain how I feel or have felt but could never put into words. Some lyricists write like they’ve been in my head or knew me at a specific time. It’s a tell like in poker.

Until you have stood on a roof looking down into a black abyss of pavement thinking “I can’t take this pain, this empty ache in my chest any longer” and you jump, I don’t want to hear your opinion. (I was closer to the ground than I thought and extremely drunk. I chipped a bone in my ankle and some cuts and bruises.)

Until you have had charcoal forced down your throat or your stomach pumped because you swallowed a bottle of painkillers while thinking “I never belonged here. I watch other people live but I don’t understand how. I don’t fit. I wasn’t meant to be.” I don’t want to hear your opinion.

Until you’ve been stitched up for you fourth time because you have no self respect and think you deserve to be treated like garbage I don’t want to hear your opinion.

Until you blow a .36 at the Police Station where you’ve been many times and the men in the room are wondering how you are still functioning and you hear the names they call you and are so humiliated it has gotten this bad you picture doing the unthinkable I don’t want to hear your opinion.

I hope I’ve made it clear that unless you have been in a person’s situation it isn’t gossip or fodder for the media it’s someone’s son, daughter, sister, brother, husband, wife. Remember that and the suffering that goes with it.

To the person who is no longer here. You had empathy, talent, a light inside of you that you probably couldn’t always see, and you made a difference to me. You will be missed.

SUICIDE, FREEDOM OF SPEECH, AND HOW MUCH CAN WE HOLD ANOTHER PERSON RESPONSIBLE?

There’s a story in the local news right now that has been bothering me for a long time. It has to do with a young girl that had a mostly online/texting “romantic” relationship with a young boy. She knew he had tried to kill himself previously and that he was feeling suicidal again.

Instead of suggesting that he talk to his parents or a professional, she encouraged him to kill himself and even gave him suggestions. When he was in his truck inhaling carbon monoxide, she was on the phone with him. At one point he changed his mind and got out of the truck. She talked him into getting back in. They found his body the next morning.

Her defense attorney first tried say her texts were not admissible in court because they were protected by Freedom of Speech. I almost threw up when I heard that. When I read the transcripts of all of their interaction I was sickened at how manipulative she was. She reminded me of someone I knew.

MY STORY

I attended Middle School and High School with a girl who somehow was able to get people to do anything she wanted. She never got in trouble because her mother worked for the State as a Psychiatrist in the Juvenile Court System. Her mother knew many people. Her mother also turned a blind eye to what her daughter did.

The first time I had a problem with her was because of my sister. For some reason she saw my sister as a threat to her popularity. This was in Middle School. She told the biggest, baddest, scariest girl at the High School that my sister was talking about her. My sister didn’t even know who she was. I’ve said it before, talk all you want about me but don’t you dare do anything to hurt my family. So we were receiving phone calls from this older girl threatening to beat my sister up. I stepped in and told the girl to name the place and the time, but she wouldn’t be dealing with my sister she would be dealing with me.

I was known to be quiet but I was a lot bigger than the other girls and some people had seen me react to anyone who threatened my sister or best friend. The older girl asked around and the matter was dropped. It wasn’t for me because I knew who started it.

In High School my sister became friends with the trouble maker. She disguised herself well. Until she had falling out with a girl on the cheer leading team. After a party one night the cheerleader went back to her car to find a pig’s head left sitting on the roof. Another night my sister and some of her friends said something the little sociopath didn’t like so she took a rope, tampons, and maxi pads and connected all of the door handles together so they couldn’t get into the car. Then she hung tampons all over the car and stuck maxi pads everywhere.

She didn’t like her roommate in college so she dunked her toothbrush in urine, put urine in her mouth wash, shampoo, and put urine in a spray bottle and sprayed her sheets with it.

None of this compares to what she did to my ex sister in law’s brother. He dated her for a few years. I told him to get out of the relationship. She did things on purpose to make him jealous then tell him he wasn’t really a man. He had some depression problems and drank. Towards the end of their relationship he called her and said he was going to kill himself. Her response was “I don’t believe you. You’re a pussy. Why don’t you come down here and do it in front me? Or are you too chicken?”

He took a razor and a shotgun and went to her dorm room. She let him in. She said “I still don’t think you have the guts to do it.” He slit his wrists in front of her. During this time someone called campus security. She stood there laughing. When he heard that security was coming he took the shotgun and ran into the woods. They found him with the barrel in his mouth put he was almost passed out from blood loss.

Personally I wanted to beat the living crap out of her. But people like her don’t change. He stayed away from her but the damage was done. We’re in our forties and he has never had a successful relationship. I find that sad. He’s kind, extremely handsome, generous, loyal to his family, and loved my mom like his own.

Sometimes I think someone needs to be held accountable for their actions in situations like these. If you are aware that a person is unstable and encourage them to hurt themselves and they do some of that is on you. If you manipulate a person with your so called “love” then there should be consequences.

All of this really hits a sore spot with me. It angers me and makes me incredibly sad at the same time.

 

The First Amendment, Social Media, And Cyberbullying (part II)*sensitive material*

This post may contain triggers and adult subject matter.

ME

I can’t remember the first time I hurt myself or the last. I do remember the overwhelming need to feel pain anywhere else than on the inside. The inside I could do nothing about.

There was no “Cyberbullying” when I was in school. I know I sound old but I have had the lucky fortune to experience it as an adult. I have to say that even as an adult I didn’t handle it well. I’m not sure anyone would. Who really wants to hear or read negative things about themselves? In my case I think them about myself most of the time with short windows of manic activity so I suffer enough. For some people (I use that term loosely) it isn’t enough. They can’t tolerate anyone different form them or anyone whose afflictions or differences they can’t comprehend.

If anyone thought when I was younger that I didn’t own a scale or a mirror they were bigger idiots than I thought. BUT as a kind woman once told me at the jewelry factory I worked at when I was 12, “You can still lose weight. They’ll still be ugly.” She meant inside. And even if she didn’t that’s what I took from it. I forgot it at times and was ugly on the inside and always regretted sinking to that level. Most of the time the person doing the bullying is craving attention mostly because they never received it themselves when needed most. It still does not excuse the behavior or make the statistics go down any smoother.

STUDIES AND STATISTICS

The University of Alberta’s Researcher Michele Hamm and her colleagues sifted through recent studies on Cyberbullying and Social Media. Thirty six of the studies specifically researched the link between Health and Cyberbullying in children ages 12-18.

ONE THING FOR CERTAIN, EXPOSURE TO CYBERBULLYING INCREASES THE CHANCES OF DEPRESSION. THE MORE CYBERBULLYING A PERSON SUFFERS THE MORE SEVERE HIS/HER DEPRESSION WILL BECOME.

  • Bullied students tend to grow up more socially anxious, have less self-esteem, and require more mental health services throughout life.
  • Over 160,000 miss school everyday due to bullying.
  • 38% of online girls report being bullied compared to 26% of boys.
  • Girls 15-17 are bullied more than any other age group.

RESPONSIBILITY?

Where does the responsibility lie? Parents? Social Media? The School System?

All of the above.

We know that in the time we live in most parents work. There’s nothing wrong with that, if you still manage to make the time needed to talk to your children. If you are just going to work, coming home and putting them to bed, it isn’t enough. Before anyone says it I will. I do not have children, I have nieces and nephews. What I am qualified in is years of torment and suffering at the hands of all kinds of bullies.

Monitor Your Children’s Social Media for Warning Signs

Sites like Tumblr and Instagram have a difficult time controlling the content on their sites. They have tried up to a point. The biggest problem they are up against are self harm, suicide, and pro anorexia sites or content.

The only thing Tumblr and Instagram are able to do is have a message pop up with information on where you can go to learn more or get support for anorexia, self harm, or suicidal thoughts.

But these people are not stupid. They carefully hide their agenda with hashtags and what they think are clever names. I’m only going to give ONE EXAMPLE. I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE ANY OF THESE GROUPS MORE ATTENTION THAN THEY ALREADY RECEIVE.

Instagram has a site/group #sue with 800,000 tagged posts. It serves as a “how to”, “fantasy”, “successful tips”, you name it. There are darker sites for anorexia that have not been monitored.

Everyone has choices in life. Some of the people visiting these sites are not fully formed people yet. Scientists now know that our brains do not reach full maturity until our early 20’s. Except for me because I started drinking heavily at 16/17 and that delays maturity. If a depressed, anxious, teenager with low self esteem visits one of these sites chances are it won’t end well. Their brains are not fully formed, they think what they are going through will never end, that they will forever be the fat/nerdy kid who was picked on. They do not see an alternative to their situation. They don’t know that 10 to 15 years from now most of the same people that picked on them are going to be fat, bald, divorced, have too many kids that they resent, look like they’re happy but are secretly miserable, and were probably miserable back then too. That’s what Reunions are for.

There is another side I feel I have to talk about. If someone has taken their own life, it was their choice. No one has a right to pass judgement on them or their families. Walk a mile. More than half of you wouldn’t make it.

If you need help it is out there. There are people of all ages that have gone through something similar.th4wjg08ss

 

 

 

MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS *(may contain triggers)

I told him how I would find a Hotel. Rent a room. I would put plastic down on the floor so there wouldn’t be too much of a mess. I would drink as much as I could prior to doing anything. I wouldn’t leave any identification to be found. I would find a way to get a gun. I told  him I’m tired of being a living ghost and invisible.

I looked over at him. He was stabbing his tablet with the stylus saying “Goddamn, Goddamn!”. He had not heard a word I had said. I may think about what would happen if I did kill myself but I wouldn’t do it. I’m too afraid to find out there’s nothing but darkness when you do. That’s what scares me about death. Right now I fool myself into thinking that there’s a happy place everyone goes where I would see my mom, other relatives, and my animals. Not Heaven, just a beautiful place where everyone, no matter what finds peace. Suicides are not allowed in Heaven as far as I know but they would be allowed here and they would find what ever it is they’re looking for.

I had a brilliant idea to start a company where you can hire a friend for a day. Someone who sits and listens to you, has lunch with you or a movie. You could watch TV and joke about the absurdity of it all. This is how pathetic I’ve become. I would legally change my name to Ghost if it wasn’t also a drug dealers name on TV.

It doesn’t feel like anyone is becoming aware of the Mental Health situation at all. We are treated like experiments. For once I would like to go in and have a Doctor say I’m going to give 1 pill and it will make everything better. That will never happen.

What my family and the rest of society will never understand is this is as good as it’s going to get for me personally. I’ve been told by numerous Doctors. At this stage of the game with other illnesses going on I WILL CONTINUE TO GET WORSE.

Instead putting restrictions on our relationships and ultimatums why don’t they just spend as much quality time with me as they can? I am alone and all I hear is “You’re not seeing the right Doctor, You need more therapy, Maybe acupuncture”. NO, NO, NO! LISTEN! I don’t need anything but a hug and some support. I will continue with the medications I’m on for now. There is nothing else to be done. I am so tired of explaining myself and apologizing.

CAN ANYONE BE HELD LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR A SUICIDE?

I’m not referring to medically assisted suicide. That is an entire different issue. What I am talking about is if someone commits suicide using medication that was prescribed to you. If you willingly gave it to them or they took it from you. If they left behind a suicide note explaining their reasons for taking their life and you are one of them.

This is my opinion. The decision to take your own life is one only you make. Some people call suicide selfish. There are those in Society that ask why didn’t that person think about the loved ones they would be leaving behind? The truth is most of them are thinking about their own pain or how much of a burden they are to their loved ones. They are ill. When you are caught up in your illness you are not thinking clearly.

The media published someone’s suicide note not long ago. This made me furious. This was a private communication that wasn’t supposed to be seen by the public. It was heavy subject matter and heartbreaking. I read it before realizing what it was I was reading. I now wish I hadn’t. The person who committed suicide has a family that is now looking to blame someone and has brought a lawsuit against the woman’s ex-boyfriend. His name was on the prescription bottles and mentioned in the note.

The real problem is that she had these issues before. This wasn’t new behavior. There is no living person to blame. She chose to take her life because she was in unbearable pain. The kind of pain most of Society knows nothing about. The kind of pain that gnaws at you 24 hours a day and never stops. The kind of pain where you feel like there’s a hole in the middle of your chest, a giant aching hole. The kind of pain where you scream and cry into a towel or a pillow so no one can hear you until you fall asleep. The kind of pain that makes your hands feel numb or tingle and there’s a static in your brain, you find yourself rocking back and forth for long periods of time with tears streaming down your face. The kind of pain no one understands or wants to really talk about.

This could be me.

The above story is true. Jim Carrey is going through it right now. I wish him the best of luck. Two troubled people fell in love. One is dead by her own actions and decisions. It is incredibly sad but there is no blame here.