Isolation Will Be My Downfall

Isolation and lack of socializing is the number one reason I think people harm themselves or commit suicide. When you feel dismissed, or like you don’t matter, I start to think what’s the point? Why am I struggling so hard to get up everyday? Why am I going through all this pain if I don’t have to? And yes I do know that children are starving, soldiers are dying, there are homeless people suffering, and there are a great many people who probably have it worse than me. But you don’t really know me and what I’ve been through. Yes I have my arms and legs. They are weak and the muscle has been eaten away in places leaving odd gaps. This has happened in my face too. I am in physical pain most of the time because I’m losing most of the cartilage between the discs in my back. My back is also filled with arthritis along with my hips and pelvis. I have osteoporosis at 42. Also Vitamin D resistant Rickets. I was healthier at 250 than I am at 126 pounds. There is something seriously wrong with my kidneys and ureters that 4 doctors can’t figure out. My Bipolar Medications are not really working because of this.

My Psychiatrist keeps changing my diagnosis. One minute I am Bipolar I next visit I am Bipolar II the visit after that I’m back to I again and there was one visit where I was Unspecified. The Conversion Disorder, Anxiety, and Social Phobia stays the same. Catatonia was added recently and I don’t know why. At this point I don’t care.

I am mostly in the house all day alone. Once in awhile I will get to see my sister when she feels like it. My dad doesn’t talk much anymore. My friends have disappeared. Support groups have not worked well for me. It’s my own fault. I cry too much and people get annoyed. Crying is my way of talking. I can’t get out what I want to say so it comes out in tears. Whether I am angry, frustrated, sad, it doesn’t matter. I have trouble with my speech so this is how it comes out. I don’t blame people for not wanting to be around. If they would let me take the time to talk it would be better. But everyone is in a hurry. They have kids, husbands, jobs, etc., things I don’t have. It isn’t a pity party, it’s a fact. So what am I doing here? Surviving.

I Refuse To Beg

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It’s another holiday weekend spent alone. One where once upon a time I would be getting dressed up for a cook out or party. I do not get invited to those anymore.

It could be because I no longer drink and most of the people at these events do. I am over 6 years sober and have been around alcohol with no problem. I have no need or desire.

It could also be that most people know by now that I have been diagnosed as Bipolar.

The last reason hurts the most. My best friend’s childhood friend is now dating the man that I drank with from the age of 17 to about 28. The last time I saw him we had argued. He broke a heavy wooden chair over my head, pinned me to the floor with his knees and repeatedly punched me in the face with a large skull ring on. Then he threw me down a flight of stairs.

There were no charges pressed. He brought me home and told my parents I fell. My father yelled at me that he couldn’t believe anything I said anymore because I was a “drunk”. This person bragged to several people about what he did. He said he was like “Mike Tyson”. My own brother still saw this person. He never stood up for me. No one did.

So now he sometimes stops by with my best friend’s friend. She ALLOWS him into her home. I hardly ever go there because I’m not invited. She knows what he did, her boyfriend knows what he did, yet they still let him come over. Out of respect for me she should tell her friend “You’re welcome anytime but your boyfriend can’t come here and you know why”. But they don’t. He’s manipulative and sadistic. I picture him sitting there laughing thinking he got one over on me because he’s sitting there with all of my friends while I’m alone at home.

I refuse to beg for companionship, for people to do what I think is the right thing, and for friendship. My own sister got what she wanted and now I can’t get in touch with her. A $300 hair service for free. I’m done.

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Superpowers

If my superpower is invisibility then could I please be truly invisible? Or maybe unaware? I see things or feel what others don’t. My sister and my long time friend will tell me I’m being paranoid or too sensitive. Then I have to prove it. Once I tell them what to look for, body language or the person’s eyes, they get it. I’m tired of this. Tired of going to CVS and knowing I am going to get an eye roll or talked about as I walk away. I’m sorry I talked too much after that one round of shock therapy, and after changing some of my meds constantly. I’m sorry for asking questions about my medications. I thought that was part of being a pharmacist. I try to be silent now. Even when the new generic I got isn’t working and all of the prices have changed. Today was hard, I couldn’t keep the tears in as I walked away from the counter. No one noticed the red head staring at the water cooler until she could control her emotions. They never do. This power of invisibility has been with me for so long now I wouldn’t know what to do if I was seen. My birthday parties were always for two. Only one celebrated. My sister and her friends had fun every year. I watched from the sidelines. I didn’t know until later she was counting the years until it could just be her. I was actually banned from her birthday parties when she was in college. It’s ok I was a full-blown alcoholic by then. Today I am sober and more alone than ever. I go from anger to sadness hour by hour. My health is in question so I am stuck in limbo medication wise and therapy wise. I’m forgetting words more often and my stutter is embarrassing. It’s been made clear that family and the public really do not want to be around anyone who is “sick” or “down”.  There is no place for me except with animals or by the water. If I could I would go to a place like that.

Selfish

I think I’m being selfish or self-absorbed lately. All I can focus on is the lack of response I’ve gotten concerning my health. Yes my sister was there for me while I was in the hospital, my best friend visited me in the hospital and so did my sister-in-law. Since then there really hasn’t been much contact from anyone. My brother never called, my Aunt who I am close to never called, no other family has called. Forget Facebook friends, there was no response there either. My hair dresser never contacted me and we are supposedly close. We’ve gone to dinner, exchanged gifts, I was invited to her baby shower and nothing.

I know I feel things at a deeper level. When my feelings are hurt they are hurt twice as bad as someone without Bipolar. I will overthink everything until I’m literally sick. So in my head it’s “no one cares”, “I annoy everyone so they don’t want to hear it”, “I don’t deserve anyone’s sympathy or understanding”, “who cares if I die I deserve to”. This goes round and round. My meds are probably not being metabolized correctly because of my kidneys. This makes things worse. I’m actually scared for once.

The seriousness of my situation is being downplayed. My family doesn’t realize how bad it is. My dad does but it frightens him so he won’t talk about it. My sister refuses to accept that there is anything seriously wrong. I would think my going into Acute Renal Failure for no reason and being asked about a DNR about ten times would indicate otherwise. Also the fact I’m being sent to an Oncologist and having a biopsy done because there are only a few reasons why what happened to me did. None of them are good. I’m stressed beyond my capacity. I just want answers so I can plan what to do. I can’t make people care or respond in ways they are not capable of doing. I won’t beg.