Tag Archives: Bipolar Life

Far Behind

I have days that seem to happen more often lately. From the time I wake up until around 1:00 p.m. I am extremely irritable . It’s to the point where I make an effort not to talk to people. Then there are days where I want to talk and almost want to argue with those around me. I never feel like I’m being heard. I feel invisible so often. I have felt invisible for so long. I say hurtful things to provoke a response. I do this with my twin sister the most. I think because I feel abandoned by her the most. I feel left behind.

It isn’t her fault that she could handle High School and College. She was able to go on dates with men and have actual relationships. She had boyfriends. My twin graduated from College and had a good job before moving to California to be with her boyfriend, who is now her husband. She took a huge leap but knew she loved him and went. It wasn’t all fun for her, she felt a little out of place there and it was hard to find work. What was I doing? Self destructing in the best way I knew how. Slowly but surely killing myself either with large quantities of Joaquin’s Ginger Flavored Brandy and Black Label or abusive men. There were too many times to count where I woke up with no memory of how I had gotten where I did or exactly where I was. A lot of times I had bruises, red marks, or cuts that I couldn’t remember either. Other people would have to tell me and that only happened if it was something they thought was funny.

I can’t remember a time where I didn’t seek my sister’s approval. She would say small things that cut me to the bone. I wasn’t allowed to drink or be drunk in her presence. I couldn’t use alcohol as a layer of protection. I remember in High School everyone was wearing leather Motorcycle jackets. I went with my sister to buy one. We each had saved money for one. She was always slimmer than me. I would guess a size 10 to my size 18. We started to try on jackets at a leather store in our local mall. She turned and looked at me in one. She started laughing loudly. I felt my face burn. I felt other people looking. She said “Never, ever, buy one of those jackets! You look so mean! You look like a big, bad, Motorcycle Mama!”. I put the jacket back and just watched her try them on, giving out compliments. She looks beautiful in all the pics she’s in with it on.

One afternoon we were out with my friend W. I don’t remember anyone else. They were trying on hats. I think Cowboy hats had made a comeback in High School. Again I was trying one on. I couldn’t get any of them to fit!! My head was too large for an XL hat! My sister made fun of this also and I laughed along. I probably teased her but I just don’t remember. She told me I wasn’t allowed to hang out with the same people she did. On our 21st? Birthday her roommates were having a surprise party for her. They felt bad that they were having a party for just her when it was my birthday too. She knew about the party and had told them that I was under no circumstances allowed to be there. She didn’t want to deal with me. Knowing these things hurt. They hurt more than I ever admitted.

I know and accept that I have hurt people with my Alcoholism and erratic behavior. I own any of the cruel things I’ve done and said. I wake up every morning with my brain screaming at me not to be here on this earth. I don’t think I was meant to be. My mom didn’t know she was having twins, I came out first. We were extremely underweight and had to stay in the hospital until we were over 5 pounds. I’ve never had a feeling of belonging.

FAR BEHIND~ CANDLEBOX             (A FEW LYRICS)

Now maybe    I didn’t mean to treat you bad    But I did it anyway

And now maybe    Some would say your life was sad    But you lived it anyway    And so maybe   

Your friends they stand around    They watch you crumble    As you fall to the ground

And someday    Your friends they stand beside as you were flyin’    Oh you were flyin’ oh so high

But then someday people look at you for what they call their own

They watch you suffer    Yeah they hear you calling home    But then someday we could take out time to brush the leaves aside so you can reach us

But you left me far behind

Now maybe I didn’t mean to treat you oh so bad but I did it anyway

Now maybe some would say your left with what you had    But you couldn’t share the pain

Now maybe I could have made my own mistakes  But I live with what I’ve known

And then maybe we might share in something great  But won’t you look at where we’ve gone

But then someday comes, tomorrow holds a sense of what I fear for you in my mind as you trip the final line

And that cold day when you lost control    Shame you left my life so soon You should’ve told me

But you left me far behind     You left me far behind

 

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If You Knew Would You Run?

 

I went to the Urologist today. I went alone. I was 10 minutes late so they punished me by making me wait 2 hours. I overheard this while making out the check to pay them. What was I going to do? I needed to see him. He was polite but told me things were not looking good. He had taken out my stent on the left side of my ureter. I knew something was wrong because feet had been swelling and I had been feeling sick. I was right. My creatinine levels had gone back up. Normal levels should be a 1.0 to a 1.3 and I was at a 2.0. Still no way near when my kidneys failed. I was at 10.71 when that happened. But this means 3 more procedures to find out why. I’ve already had 4 biopsies and several other procedures with no answers. I hate telling my family. At this point they have lost their empathy, sympathy, whatever.

No one knows I’m getting worse all around. I just want to sleep. I don’t care about anything anymore. I don’t make jewelry anymore, I don’t take pictures anymore. I sit on the couch and pretend I have not been crying. No one likes it when I cry. I get reprimanded. Or they ask me if I need to go to the “Hospital”. Why? They don’t do anything for you there. You stay there for a few days, take your meds with some Benadryl, and do arts and crafts. That’s it. There’s no therapy or Dr. to talk to.

My appointment today made me late for my Primary Care Doctor. The Urologist’s office kept trying to call her office but couldn’t get a response. I was told I would be dropped as a patient if I didn’t make this appointment. Guess what? I don’t care. She doesn’t want to take Medicare patients anymore and this was her way of weeding them out. Congratulations. I see all specialists so what was she going to do for me?

I hate this time of year. Holidays, the anniversary of my mother’s death, the cold weather. I could do without all of it.

If the people in my life only knew what it took me to wake up. I feel sick all the time. Depressed all the time. I can’t enjoy food, my vision is going in and out, I’m cold all the time. I’m so f*cking tired. Not one person notices that my skin is the same color as a piece of chalk. Or that there is bruising under my eyes. How can they not see it? I’m tired of trying to force people to care. I don’t care. So we’re even I guess.


I Scare People

I find myself being too honest and babbling with people. When I walk away I’m left feeling sad and wondering if I’ve just made an ass out of myself.

An example would be yesterday. I went to a big dog friendly shopping center to show my hair stylist my puppy and to get him some chew toys.

She’s outside with me talking and petting the puppy when her boss comes over. Her boss is handsome, my age, divorced, and has winked at me at least once or got shampoo in his eye.

He’s asking me about the puppy, what kind of dog it is and I say ” It’s a Blue Chihuahua because I had a long haired Chihuahua but he died a few months ago and he was my therapy dog because I’m Bipolar and my Dr. said I should get another one fast”. He left fast after that. I couldn’t help it. I feel like people can see a red B on my forehead and I have to explain. When I don’t. Next time I’ll tell him I’m also a Sober Atheist who likes poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.


Be Careful What You Wish For

I’m tired, confused, my head feels like an axe is trying to split it in two. I forgot to eat and drink yesterday. All of this is due to what I wanted. A dog. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a puppy. It’s hell. I can’t do my routine at night and I do not like change. I look like the Grim Reaper. My father isn’t being helpful at all. I was ready to give up on the idea because part of me knew but then he asked why I wasn’t looking for dogs anymore. And when I rejected 2 that we went to see he got pissed. Then he pushed me to keep looking. Now he won’t watch the puppy for me to even go to the bathroom. Or to go to the store to get supplies for the puppy.

I’m having major panic attacks all day and when I went to the Doctor he told me I’ll be having 3 more surgeries. Who’s going to watch the puppy? And I may be left using a catheter for the rest of my life. It won’t be in all the time just as needed. But still who wants to do that? So I’m stressed out, stuttering, getting yelled at, not sleeping, sweating (don’t ask), and an all around mess.

But I love the dog and I’ll figure it out. I’ve never given up on an animal, a person is different an animal never.


Invasion of The Doctor Snatchers

I had the most interesting doctor’s appointment today. My sister came with me as back up because I have trouble remembering things. My appointment was with the Urologist that can be a little overbearing and I always take what he says the wrong way. Even my sister has heard him through the wall being an ass to an elderly man with prostrate cancer.

When he entered the room he apologized profusely for being late and gave me a hug. He said he loved what I had on. He then said hello to my sister and said how great it was to see her again. We went over what the plan was going to be for my kidney problem. He wanted to take out one of my stents in their office surgical suite but wasn’t sure.

I was trying to explain to him my problem with waking up from anesthesia because of the Conversion Disorder. I was stuttering and getting emotional. It’s embarrassing when this happens. I needed him to be aware so his staff would know. At the hospital they are a little more equipped with dealing with these problems.

My sister was getting annoyed and said “He doesn’t need to know all this.” He actually hugged me again and said ” Look I love you and care about your well being so I do need to know. If you think the hospital is better than we will do that.” I thought I would fall off the chair. My sister looked even more annoyed.

I think she looked annoyed because she was diagnosed with a version of Conversion Disorder that was easily taken care of. Mine may never go away. Her’s was due to being fired from her job, having 2 small children, and her husband’s addiction issues. Mine is caused by multiple traumas. I also have a coexisting condition that makes it harder to treat. She will never understand this.

When at one point she tried to “shush” me, I said “Don’t you dare do that to me”. It didn’t come out clearly like that because of my stutter but she got it. So did the doctor. On the way out I got more hugs from him. When my sister and I got outside we both started laughing. We couldn’t believe the “hugging” and the “I love you’s” during my visit. I told her there was something not quite right with the guy. You never know what you’re going to get. But I’ll take today’s visit over the other ones anytime.


I’m Crazy?!?

I was getting some negative feedback from you know who about getting another dog. Even my dad was against it. Now my dad has done a 180 and is obsessed with finding another dog. He actually was mad at me for not connecting with one we looked at today! He was mad the entire ride home. He isn’t even putting up any money for fees or anything. He’s beginning to annoy me. I’m still holding a grudge for the “perfect” ones he let get away. If he had went with me to fill out the paperwork it would have looked better. He kept saying no and waited until the last minute to say yes. I love him but he’s stressing me out. And my sister isn’t talking to me at all. I guess that isn’t such a big loss. I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone.


What Makes A Good Day

Today I went to the salon and had my hair done. My hair stylist has been on maternity leave so I have not seen her in long time.

I had forgotten how much I love the smell and sounds of a salon. It made me happy.

I had forgotten how  the person who does my hair always has a light around her. She wears the jewelry I make and posts pictures of it on her Pinterest page and Facebook. When she does this she always has kind words to say about me.

She also has a best friend that is Bipolar. She never treats me differently and always offers words of encouragement and compassion.

She invites me out for coffee or dinner. Most times I decline. I’m too afraid. She knows this and doesn’t push but still continues to ask anyway.

She tells me I am beautiful, kind, smart and one of the best people she’s ever met. She tells me these things even after seeing me cry in her chair.

She likes my rambling. She says it doesn’t bother her because sometimes she learns something new.

I know I am paying her for a service but she has plenty of clients and doesn’t need to blow smoke up my ass to keep me as one. She is genuinely concerned about me and takes an interest in what I do. That is rare.

She has invited me to go to a corn maze and I will try to make myself go. It’s time.

I told my sister I would be limiting my contact with her. Every interaction with my sister leaves me feeling worse than when I started. It isn’t her fault. She’ll never be able to fully understand me. Truth is she never did and never tried. I have to accept that or keep getting hurt by it. I can not handle the hurt anymore. She’s my twin and I love her with everything I have but sometimes you have to take a step back for awhile.

So today was a better day and tomorrow we’ll see what happens.


I Once Had An Epiphany Too

There was a time, just recently, where I thought to myself I am loved.

I am wanted. I would be missed. I need to start doing things that make me happy.

It was just hours before I came close to dying. The hospital staff had been in with the Do Not Resuscitate papers and asked if I wanted to see a Priest.

No one could reach my family.

I thought for a frightening minute this is how it was suppose to be. Me dying alone.

My sister came running in shaking and crying. She held me like my mom used to and told me it was ok.

My sister in law came and told me she loved me.

My best friend came with her mom, both with tears streaming down their faces.

I was happy for the first time in a long time.

The doctors were able to save me for the time being.

This was in July and since then everything has gone back to the way it was.

No more hugs from my sister. She just yells at me to get “Your shit together!”.

No calls returned from my sister in law.

No interaction with my best friend.

And my dog died.

So the happiness of living and wanting to live disappeared. The Black Hole Of Bipolar came and swallowed me up.

I called my sister yesterday to hear her voice. I asked her to please just do one thing. Just tell me you love me. Instead I got a backlash of how I’m not normal and need help. How it isn’t fair that I hold everyone hostage with my illness. I hung up on her.

Yesterday all I wanted was a hug, some human kindness. I begged, I pleaded, my dad walked away.

How many bricks need to fall on my head? How can I not feel unwanted, unloved? How can they not see how close they are to losing me?

I am ready to leave. Go anywhere that isn’t here.

I know I’m supposed to pretend everything is fine. I was never good at pretending. Do you know what FINE means? Fucked-up, Irrational, Neurotic, Emotional.  So I guess I’m fine. And yeah I stole that from The Great Steven Tyler.


Smiles

Sometimes I smile. When I do it brings tears to my eyes. Tears of happiness. For the feeling is so rare and precious.

When my nephews hug me and tell me they love me. They don’t see me as different yet.

When I stand in the sunshine and see a ladybug. That’s my mom.

When a stranger compliments my jewelry. Because I’ve made it myself.

When I see a wild animal and it doesn’t see me.

When a favorite song comes on the radio.

When I look at pictures of loved ones no longer here.

When I read a comment that makes me feel normal.

When my dad has a good day and jokes like he used to.

When my Papillon gives me the stink eye.

When I have a day without pain.

It isn’t much but it’s enough.


Bipolar is A Thief

Do you ever feel like Bipolar Disorder or any other mental health problem has stolen from you? I do. All the time. When I have too much time alone to think. It’s always worse then. It’s at that time my brain wants to play a game of Would’ve, Should’ve, and Could’ve. It also wants to play the Memory Game. This is like a movie playing in my head of everything bad thing that has ever been said or done to me. I dislike this one the most. Some days I can stop and some days I can’t. There are days I question everything about myself and the people around me.

If I wasn’t Bipolar would I have ever started drinking? Would it have gotten as bad as it did? Would I have made the decisions I made?

I’m told that I blame being Bipolar but really it’s me. I chose to drink. I chose to hang around bad people. I let those same people use and abuse me. I chose not to go to college. I chose to be alone. I chose not to have children. Some of this is kind of true and some of it isn’t.

I never learned how to interact with society as a sober adult who fears people. The interactions that I did have sober were always negative for me. I always felt like an intruder. I would stand in a corner at any social gatherings by myself and wait until it was time to go home. My sister’s wedding was hell for me.

Bipolar stole so much time. Time I should’ve been with my mom. It stole kindness and sympathy. When I was manic and trying to take care of her, work and drink, I would become irritable. I directed that at my mom. She didn’t want to live anymore and I could see it. I just didn’t want to deal with it. So I got worse.

The relationships I’ve ruined, the people I’ve hurt, and even now the annoyed looks I get all bother me. I’m told that I over think things and that people are not even paying attention to me. WRONG. I know when someone is talking about me, or rolling their eyes when they see me coming. I’m not “crazy” when it comes to that.

That brings me to another issue. My sister thinks it’s ok to call me “crazy” or “nuts”. So last time she did I told her she better remember I have written proof that I am. It’s like a “get out of jail free card”. She didn’t think that was funny. I didn’t think it was funny that she was calling me names.

Since my mom died and I quit drinking I no longer participate in life. I did for awhile after having a round of ECT. I went to Florida alone. I went to zoos alone. I went to places that interested me. It lasted for 6 months.

I’m not sure I care anymore. I’ve become my mother. We didn’t listen to her, we walked away while she was talking, we forgot about her. Maybe this is my punishment. If it is I accept it.


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