Isolation Will Be My Downfall

Isolation and lack of socializing is the number one reason I think people harm themselves or commit suicide. When you feel dismissed, or like you don’t matter, I start to think what’s the point? Why am I struggling so hard to get up everyday? Why am I going through all this pain if I don’t have to? And yes I do know that children are starving, soldiers are dying, there are homeless people suffering, and there are a great many people who probably have it worse than me. But you don’t really know me and what I’ve been through. Yes I have my arms and legs. They are weak and the muscle has been eaten away in places leaving odd gaps. This has happened in my face too. I am in physical pain most of the time because I’m losing most of the cartilage between the discs in my back. My back is also filled with arthritis along with my hips and pelvis. I have osteoporosis at 42. Also Vitamin D resistant Rickets. I was healthier at 250 than I am at 126 pounds. There is something seriously wrong with my kidneys and ureters that 4 doctors can’t figure out. My Bipolar Medications are not really working because of this.

My Psychiatrist keeps changing my diagnosis. One minute I am Bipolar I next visit I am Bipolar II the visit after that I’m back to I again and there was one visit where I was Unspecified. The Conversion Disorder, Anxiety, and Social Phobia stays the same. Catatonia was added recently and I don’t know why. At this point I don’t care.

I am mostly in the house all day alone. Once in awhile I will get to see my sister when she feels like it. My dad doesn’t talk much anymore. My friends have disappeared. Support groups have not worked well for me. It’s my own fault. I cry too much and people get annoyed. Crying is my way of talking. I can’t get out what I want to say so it comes out in tears. Whether I am angry, frustrated, sad, it doesn’t matter. I have trouble with my speech so this is how it comes out. I don’t blame people for not wanting to be around. If they would let me take the time to talk it would be better. But everyone is in a hurry. They have kids, husbands, jobs, etc., things I don’t have. It isn’t a pity party, it’s a fact. So what am I doing here? Surviving.

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About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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