About Fear

I have always loved music and it has been a big part of my life. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not. I can become happier by listening to certain music, I also can become aggressive, extremely sad, and frustrated.

I was listening to a song that mentions how the lyricist has run from his pain, how fear holds you down, uses you up, and spits you out like you were never good enough. But now when he falls he gets back up, he doesn’t have to fall apart and let the damage take over.

This makes sense of course. It’s a great concept. But how do you get there? I know the person writing the lyrics is Bipolar and has struggled with addiction. I also know that he took the religious path to get where he is. I am not religious. I never have been. I don’t predict I ever will be. Does this mean I will never get back up? Am I doomed to fail? Will the fear constantly eat away at me because I have tried these methods and found them not right for me? The same with therapy. When you have been to 10 to 12 therapists and they all follow a cookie cutter script that makes you want to scream, why would you want to go more therapists? Am I so cynical and damaged it’s clouding my judgment?

Too many people tell me I am wrong. I have stopped explaining myself. When it comes to certain topics there is no middle ground. So I keep my mouth shut and take it as usual. If my sister only knew how many of these therapists automatically suggested sexual abuse by my father her head would spin. That is something I won’t tolerate. My father is the best he can be and never even spanked us.

He is the only one that even tries to keep me going and tells me he loves me everyday. My twin sister doesn’t. No one else does either. I’m happy for the artist that has found peace I just wish there were more options I could support. Because fear does consume me, it eats me up until I’m left with nothing.