Monthly Archives: May 2018

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY AND TOXIC PEOPLE

I had surgery to replace my Ureteral Stents on May 14th. My twin sister drove me because my Dad has dialysis on Mondays. As soon as she got in the car I felt the tension. I was already feeling anxious and wasn’t allowed to take any of my Bipolar medications before the surgery. I don’t remember what started it. I think I started crying and it annoyed her. We also got lost on the way to the Hospital and she refused to listen to me. She wanted to drop me off at the door. I told her she had to come in and talk to them so they knew I actually had a ride home.

She wanted to valet park my car and I didn’t understand why when you could park yourself for free. She wasn’t paying for it. I always feel weird about valet parking. It’s a Hospital, you don’t need to valet park. This annoyed her further.

She didn’t want to come back with me while I waited for them to take me into surgery. One of the nurses must have said something to her because she eventually came back to sit with me. It was a mistake.

She was showing me pictures of my nephews. I love them more than anything. I didn’t know the older one spoke in front of the Mayor and 300 people on behalf of the Little League. They looked so grown up. Of course I started to tear up.

My sister said “You know you can come over any time and see them”. I looked at her with my mouth open. I then said “I have to wait for your husband to leave the house first?”. She didn’t answer right away. Then she said “Neither one of us like your behavior or how you don’t take responsibility for anything you say or do”. That was the beginning of the end.

The anesthesiologist came into the room to talk to me while my sister was there. He came back after she left. He asked if I was okay. I told him I was fine. He said he was asking because I have a history of not wanting to come out of the anesthesia.

Nothing went well. They blew a vein in my IV, one of the stents became embedded and encrusted, someone taped my top lip to the breathing tube and didn’t realize it until they pulled it out taking the skin of my lip with it, and they couldn’t wake me.

After 3 hours I woke up. The anesthesiologist came in again. He said that he knew I was upset before going under and that it can’t happen again. He said at some point I’ll stay under because of my Conversion Disorder diagnosis. When I’m stressed, anxious, or sad I don’t always have control of neurological functions. It’s scary.

All of this made me realize the people around me are not going to change. I have to change how I react, my environment, and how I cope. I also need to recognize toxic people and situations.

TO BE CONTINUED…..be5d9e9599909984881e21c7036e306e

Advertisements

TO MY MOM

It’s been 10 years since you passed away. It hasn’t gotten any easier. I still can’t bring myself to visit your grave. The rest of the family make comments about this. I don’t care.

You would be disappointed with us. I know you would. The petty fighting and grudges we hold against each other. Some things can’t be forgiven. You could always forgive and that’s why we loved you.

The one thing I had a problem with was your enabling everyone around you. I know it came from love but you never realized when someone wasn’t being truthful or sincere. Maybe I had been around too many liars, cons, addicts, and thieves so I spotted it easily. It would take years after your death for people to believe me.

There’s nothing worse than your family thinking your “too dramatic” or “making stuff up” all the time. One thing I don’t do when I’m sober is lie. Actually when I drank I was too truthful and that got me into trouble too.

When I first saw you in that hospital room I felt like I wasn’t in my own body. I was outside of it watching as it all happened. I didn’t feel anything for a long time. I somehow knew if I did it would end me. It almost did anyway.

Months later I found myself in the bathroom at work screaming into a bunch of paper towels. I couldn’t move or stop crying. All I could see was your face, eyes open and blank, bloody foam that wouldn’t stop bubbling from your mouth. All I heard were nurses laughing and Dad wailing like a wounded animal. I didn’t want to remember any of it.

Your oldest granddaughter decided to dedicate many tattoos to you and acts as if she was the only one who lost you. Her mother visits your grave often. Your granddaughter also decided to write me and say some of the most hurtful things I’ve ever had said to me.

She has replaced J as number 1 on my shit list. I’d rather be punched in the face than have someone say what the things she said. But she’s found God so I guess she thinks it’s okay to make someone feel like dirt. It’s okay to tell them they should’ve killed themselves because they are waste of space and their own mother didn’t love them as much as she loved other people. It was 3 pages of this crap.

I hope you don’t know what’s going Mom because you would be as hurt and angry as I am. Dad finally told me what you really thought today and you weren’t fooled after all.

You are MY MOM I took care of you and loved you. I think about you always and miss you often. I’m letting go of the toxic people. I don’t have the time to help people who don’t want to be helped. From now on I’m helping myself and Dad from time to time. I love you.11059761_10207494279902008_1407885758767048615_n


THERE’S A DIFFERENT GENERATION OF ADDICTS NOW THAT ARE HARDER TO REACH

I had the name of the street the apartment was on when the paramedics revived you. I drove up and down it for hours, holding my breath, hoping to see your face. I didn’t.

It scared me to read your posts on Facebook. I knew you were in trouble. I knew because we think the same.

The problem is this new generation of addicts with mental health issues think they’re the first ones to ever have these thoughts or do what they do. They’ve been raised to think everything they do is special and unique. I’m sorry but it isn’t. This is the problem.

Your parents think a week in detox makes you okay. You get out, they give you a big hug and send you on your way. They attend nightly meetings on how to “cope with their addicted child” while you’re back on the street again repeating everything you did the week before.

The mental health part is usually ignored or only touched on briefly because no one wants a child with a mental illness. A child that’s an addict is better. The shame of your child having both would be too much.

The parents created the problem. At least the parents I’m referring to did.

I offer my help multiple times over the years only to be told “No, she’s fine. Focus on yourself.”

This was my last time reaching out. My heart can’t handle watching a beautiful young girl slowly die any longer. I’m tired of biting my tongue and taking abuse from other family members for trying to help. So I’m done. I’m letting go.

I can’t spend what time I have left worrying about people who don’t want or need my help or even want me in their lives.

I laughed for the first time in a long time the other day. I talked to my best friend. The only one who ever really understood me. I had to tell her about my health and I wanted her opinion on making my twin sister my medical proxy. She agreed that I shouldn’t. If I can’t trust my sister because of the way she threatens me or uses my illness against me than I shouldn’t be giving her any control over any areas of my life.

I have the hardest time letting go. I have to get past it if I want to follow through with my road trip to Texas after my surgery. There’s just one thing I left to do and W agrees I should go for it. Granted W is a little out there like me which is why I love her. But she has always accepted me for who I am no matter what. d94bebff677aa86360da53bcc7ab03eb--addiction-quotes-addiction-recovery


I AM LOST

A Urologist is a doctor who specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of diseases of the kidneys and urinary system in men and women. They also perform surgery and treat tumors, cysts, and stones.

A Nephrologist is a doctor who specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of diseases of the kidney such as inflammation of the kidney, Chronic Kidney Disease, high blood pressure, and Diabetes. They prepare patients for the reality of dialysis and kidney transplant. They do not do surgery.

Patients with early Chronic Kidney Disease need to be evaluated on a regular basis to prevent complications from nephro toxic drugs, dehydration and low Vitamin D. Many prescription medications need to be adjusted with CKD because they build up in the body’s system.

Common eye problems for people with kidney disease include dry, red, sore eyes that feel gritty. This happens because of impaired blinking and tear formation causing dry eyes. Extra calcium and phosphate can also settle in the eyes causing irritation. Kidney disease can also cause pressure behind the eye making vision blurry. Low blood glucose also causes blurred vision and confusion.

My Glucose levels have been consistently low. My last 3 results from 3/16 to 3/17 were 64, 68, and 67. These were done without fasting so I had breakfast which included sugar, cinnamon, and chocolate and coffee with sugar and Mocha Almond Fudge creamer.

When I’ve gone to Nephrologists they tell me I need a Urologist. Urologists can’t answer my questions and tell me I need a Nephrologist or another specialist.

I asked if changing my stents would help with my fatigue and vision. The Urologist said my stents shouldn’t be the reason I’m tired and have blurred vision. I’m in Stage 3b of Chronic Kidney Disease which CAUSES CONFUSION, FATIGUE, AND CHANGES IN VISION.

No one knows why I have kidney disease and they are not lining up to find out. I can’t get a Primary Care Doctor because I have too many health problems with “unknown” origins. This makes me a “difficult patient” so they refuse to take me. Then the specialists I have complain because I don’t have a Primary Care.

SICK OF IT!

BRAINSTORM

I’ve been thinking about my niece a lot. I want to drive cross country. I’m thinking I should take her with me. I’ve been sober 10 years, I have experience with heroin addicts, I know more than anyone should about mental health, I’ve been where she is, she would be locked in a fast moving vehicle with me, she would have to be responsible for some of the driving, it would give her something to focus on and get her away from a toxic environment, I could leave her in the desert if she gives me trouble (joking kind of), I really feel in my gut this would be good.

No one else in family will think it’s a good idea. I can already imagine all the negative comments. She’s 20, I’m 45, I believe I can honestly help someone I love. I haven’t been allowed to do so for some reason. I don’t know if her mother doesn’t trust me or if it’s something else but it’s better than letting her live on the streets.

I don’t know how you could refuse to let me try to help but kick her out and let her be homeless. Another week where all I did was cry. I heard nothing more about the situation until she overdosed and it made the news. I’m sad and a little angry.

If it is a bad idea let me know. Maybe I’m delusional or grasping at straw.


FOR ALL OF US WITH ADDICTIONS AND MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES

My Grandmother on my Mom’s side drank a lot when she was younger. She also had mental health problems that were never diagnosed. I know my Grandfather drank but I don’t know if it was ever a problem. I don’t know if there was mental illness on his side of the family either.

My Dad’s father suffered from Social Anxiety and General Anxiety. As far as I know there was no alcoholism or drug abuse from either parent.

My mother and father were both alcoholics. They each stopped drinking on their own when I was around 8 or so.

My mother had several “breakdowns” and was hospitalized a few times for them. She was never diagnosed. She would spend weeks in her bedroom sleeping and then be up laughing and cleaning the house.

My father has always had severe anxiety. My mother actually spoke for him in public places. He used alcohol to fit in and be able to socialize. He’s always had a quick temper.

My brother’s father was an alcoholic and committed suicide while my mother was pregnant with him.

My brother is an alcoholic. He also likes to gamble. He goes through periods where he thinks he’s King of the World and is extremely cocky. He also has periods of depression where he isolates himself, drinks and listens to his favorite music really, really, loud. He has bouts of anger which has led to physical altercations from a young age. He has refused to see anyone.

I am an alcoholic. I have been in remission for almost 10 years. I am also Bipolar and have Social Anxiety. I drank for over 20 years with people I normally never would’ve kept company with. It caused a lot of damage physically and emotionally.

When my brother met his wife he was so in love. The entire family loved her. But we also knew how my brother could be. He was prone to jealousy and self-sabotage. It wasn’t long before there were problems.

We tried to convince her to leave him. She refused. When he asked her to marry him we tried again to get her to leave him. She refused. There’s only so many times you can warn a person. When someone’s own mother begs you not to marry her son I think you should listen.

They drank and smoked pot together often. They were together 7 years before having their first child. I knew by the time she was 2 years old that there would be problems.

My sister in law stopped drinking but still smoked pot. They fought constantly. There was never enough money. Baby number 2 was on the way.

I can’t count the number of times my sister in law called us crying about my brother. I can’t count the number of times my mom had to go to their house and calm things down or pick up my sister in law and the kids on the side of the road because my brother was drunk and she refused to be in the car with him. She also called for money. Baby number 3 was on the way. She still wouldn’t leave.

Their oldest daughter started to self harm at 14. She then started drinking and using drugs. She was a heroin addict by 17.

Their middle daughter started to self harm at 13. She started drinking and using heroin by 16.

In the beginning of April she overdosed in an apartment with 3 other people. The paramedics were already there helping the other 3 that had overdosed. This will be her 7th time in detox and rehab. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard in my life.

Both of my brother’s daughters have been diagnosed with mental illnesses. Both became heroin addicts. The oldest one has been clean for a few years now but the middle one is slipping through cracks. Her mother chose the “tough love” route with her which I don’t agree with at all.

My brother is divorced now and I don’t even know how much he sees his children. His 20 year old overdoses, it makes it on to the news, and he’s no where to be found.

I have offered to help with her numerous times but my sister in law won’t allow it.

Who knows more than someone who has been where she is? Someone with 10 years of sobriety and mental illness?

The people she has been seeing are not treating her mental illness AND addiction. They’re only treating the addiction and that’s the problem. They are not asking why she feels the need to be numb, or what was it that made her start in the first place.

If it wasn’t for Narcan I would be attending her funeral. Something has to give.reverse-drug-overdose_copy


%d bloggers like this: