THE TRUTH ABOUT SEX

I apologize if you thought you were going to read some Erotica or learn something new about sex. You might learn something new but it will have more to do with a darker side of the subject. What happens when you have a Mental Illness that isn’t diagnosed and you self medicate with drugs or alcohol. You are probably wondering what any of this has to do with sex, actually a lot more than you think.

I started drinking at 16/17 and also started having sex. I was probably a late bloomer for that time period, it was around 1991. The first time I had sex I was drunk and sex was like that for me for the next 20 years.

I drank because something was missing inside of me. I had a hard time talking to people and never felt like I belonged anywhere, not even with my own family. I had a constant ache in my chest like a hole was there. I always had butterflies in my stomach and felt like I was going to throw up whenever I had to be around people. School was torture. I hid as best as I could but that was hard to do considering I was taller and heavier than the rest of the girls in my school. I always felt that I was the ugliest, less intelligent, and shouldn’t be there.

When I discovered alcohol all of those feelings went away. I did have times before I started drinking where at home I would talk too much, too fast. I would also stay up for days reading in my room or watching movies. This was hard to control at school. Somehow I did. I know that I smoked pot at school sometimes and I think I did other drugs too.

While manic there was nothing more exciting than getting ready to go out. I could also drink more while manic. I was always trying to prove points. I would pick up the best looking guy and sleep with him as if this proved I was worth something. Sometimes it was just part of the chase. The people I hung out with then compared me to a guy in the way I acted with men. I chose to act that way after being hurt too many times. If I leave first than you can’t hurt me. This didn’t always work.

Promiscuity is a well known symptom of Bipolar Disorder. Not many people talk about it. I do because it was a big part of some of the things I can’t forget or remember.

When you are an alcoholic and Bipolar (but don’t know it) it can be a recipe for some scary situations. I would wake up and not know if I had sex or not. I wouldn’t know if I had said yes or not or who the person was. This happened more times than I would like to admit.

When I stopped drinking I also stopped having sex. That’s correct. It has been quite a few years. When people see this they assume that I am a troll or hideous. Today I wanted to plaster Twitter with pictures of myself to show that I’m not. But that would be proving points again that I don’t need to do anymore.

The fact is part of me is scared. The other problem is I don’t socialize very much and I hate to admit it but I’m picky! I like a sense of humor, kind eyes with something behind them, usually dark hair, the person doesn’t have to be a male model but I have to be attracted to them in some way. We have to share some common interests. It’s a lot to ask for. I don’t like dating sites. I still have it in my head that I’m going to meet this person at a bar (not drinking) or a concert.

The reason for this is that your maturity level kind of stops when you start drinking. I still have the thoughts of a 16/17 year old girl. Which if you think about it makes sense.

So it’s okay to be celibate. It doesn’t mean no one wants you. It’s a choice for a period of time until you feel ready. 14191969_10210844810143170_6249931150507043504_n

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WHAT ISN’T TALKED ABOUT IN BIPOLAR DISORDER~ HYPERSEXUALITY

I often see a quote that says “Bipolars, great in bed, hard to live with”. I would have to say I agree on some level.

Not many people are jumping to talk about their sex lives. Maybe a few are but not many women are willing to tell the truth when it comes to how many partners they have had or one night stands. This is the same for a Bipolar woman or a woman without a mental illness. There is still a double standard.

Before I was diagnosed as Bipolar I drank heavily for most of my life. It felt like most of my life starting at 16/17 and continuing until 35/36. I’m sorry for not being accurate but cognitive and memory problems go with the territory for me on most things.

I had many Manic Episodes while drinking. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions to begin with and the symptoms for mania are poor decision making and impulsiveness. Your sex drive also increases.

For me it was more about the ritual of it. Getting dressed up, drinking, becoming the hunter, and the pursuit. It wasn’t actually about the sex itself. I had more self-confidence and wanted to push boundaries. I also had people who encouraged this.

The person I drank with liked to pick out a guy he thought was way out of my league and taunt me into trying to hook up with him. He would sit back at the bar with the rest of guys and wait to see what happened. For me it became a game of pride. I was tired of being the fat girl with a pretty face that was every guys friend. I was also tired of the bullying that went on around other people.

I’m not proud of it but I usually succeeded. At the time I didn’t feel anything. The next day was another story.

Waking up in strange places, not knowing someone’s name, not remembering if I did have sex, not remembering if I consented at times, having bruises I couldn’t explain, it went on and on for years.

Several years ago right before I quit drinking, my best friend’s boyfriend said to me “D your always trying to prove a point that you don’t need to prove. You are a beautiful girl inside and out”. It took me a few days to digest what he said and to realize he was right.

When I quit drinking I also stopped having sex. The truth is I wouldn’t know how to talk to a man sober, hold hands sober, kiss sober, or anything else sober. It’s a scary thought for me.

Am I isolating myself on purpose because of this fear? Probably. At 43 soon to be 44 I don’t see a way to change things anytime soon. There is so much other baggage that has to be worked through. It doesn’t mean I’ve totally thrown in the towel. If it happens it happens if it doesn’t then I’ll still be here working on myself.726e46d6a15067d0002389b77fe4b3b8