Drinking Daze and The Brain

I reacted oddly to alcohol. It’s the reason I loved it so much. Most of the time it was a stimulant for me, I would still be drinking at 4:00 a.m. while everyone else was passed out. I would start at 5:00p.m. and continue until the next morning. When I drank I usually felt sure of myself, cocky, almost even attractive. I would talk to people and laugh. I was the complete opposite of my sober self. I even had a backbone at times which always got me in trouble. What I couldn’t say sober would all come out when I was drinking. Which made me one sarcastic bitch. Half the time people didn’t realize it because I always hung with a group that drank or partied a lot like me but were from a different background. I had graduated highschool and one semester of college where most of them had quit highschool and had been in jail at one time or another. This was from the age of 17 to maybe 28 I’m not 100% on the timeline. It was when I drank not the most but more frequently. Binge drinking is just as bad as everyday drinking. Binge drinking took more of a toll on my body and brain. I also react differently to painkillers. I will get super hyper but still have pain so I have to be careful with what I take. A lot of Bipolar people are like this. Alcohol helped to mask my Bipolar symptoms and make me feel like I belonged in the world. Sooner or later that ends. The worm turns and it doesn’t work for you anymore, you’re just as desperate as you were 20 years ago.

You do meet some characters and go to places you normally wouldn’t. Every year this family had a “Mega-Kegga” where you paid $10 to drink as much as you wanted, there was a pig roast and a live band. They rented “port-a-potties” and everything. I usually had a fun time I think. One year it had rained the night before and the grounds of the family home were muddy. I went into a port a pottie did my thing and was pulling up my pants when I heard my friend John shouting at me from outside. I was drunk so I didn’t understand he was telling me that the pottie was sliding and getting ready to tip over. Yup. It did. With me inside, pants only half way up and other people’s waste on me. At the time I was laughing but it was gross.

Another time I went to a dive bar with a couple of older guys I knew. I was underage. I wasn’t paying attention until I heard the guy near me scream. My friend had thrown a dart in his foot. When I asked him why he said because the other guy we were with was trying to sell me to him for $10 and it pissed him off. I just said ok and we left. Second time we went there someone was shot and I said that’s it we’re not going there anymore. Stupid me didn’t know that’s where they were getting their heroin from. I also didn’t know the one I was “dating” was using or that the teardrop tattoo under his eye didn’t mean he was “sensitive” or that he did 7 years time in Florida. Things I probably should have asked more about.

My brain does have some issues. No Dr. will say that the issues are definately alcohol related or not. I have a significant loss of white matter and a T2 hyperintensity that looks like a lightning bolt on one side of my brain. I have word grasping problems. Where the word is there in my head but I just can’t grasp it. And I stutter under stress or when really upset. I see words jumbled now when I didn’t before. It takes me longer to figure out what to say and the world is not a patient place. Sometimes I don’t talk to a person for days and when I do I get over excited and talk too much about everything that’s been in my head. Then the person is scared off or annoyed. It’s a lonely place to be.