Hypocrites, Idiots, and Strawberry Wine

I’ll start by saying I’m a hypocrite at times. Or maybe too judgmental. I was watching a reality show and the woman on it was crying like they always do. She was crying because she was an alcoholic. She was drinking too much wine.

I am ashamed to say it but I laughed. I thought “Lady you wouldn’t know a real wino if one bit you on your Chanel ass.” See? Judgment and hypocritical. So many people didn’t believe I was an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic. To the outside world I came from a nice middleclass family. I was polite and quiet. That’s because I went 2 or 3 towns over to do my drinking so no one would know me. They didn’t see the “real” me that came out at night. It was like living a double life.

One night I stayed late at my favorite dive bar talking to the wife of a member of the band, when I looked up I saw my uncle mopping the floor. That wasn’t supposed to happen. The 2 worlds were not to meet. But I was plastered so what could I do except make an ass out of myself. They had just put my mother in a coma that day and I handled the news the way I handled everything. I drank. The Wylde’s were good people to a total mess of a person. It was a good thing that there were a few people like this along the way because I got myself in some pretty bad situations.

Anyway, I’ve also seen my share of heavy wine drinkers. They get a bluish/purple stain on their teeth and sometimes tongue and lips. They hide it well because wine is considered acceptable with lunch and dinner making it easy to hide HOW MUCH you’re drinking. But the woman on the “reality show” showed no signs of addiction at all. It was a low budget show looking for viewers. Unfortunately drama brings people in. Look at Celebrity Rehab. How many of those poor people actually made it? I couldn’t watch.

On to the Idiot portion. I don’t like name calling but it’s to make a point.

The Lord My Savior Jesus Christ will not cure BIPOLAR DISORDER.

GOD will not SAVE ME FROM BIPOLAR DISORDER’S DEMONS.

CHURCH is not going to HELP ME WITH ANY HEALTH ISSUES.

I ask nicely at first to stop. I ask nicely the second time to please refrain.

The THIRD TIME IS WHEN I TELL THE TRUTH.

I am a Sober Bipolar Atheist. I’m sorry if that offends some people but it also offends me to constantly have something shoved down my throat that I do not agree with. Maybe Atheist is the wrong word. I do not believe in going to a designated building to listen to a man speak and then putting money in a collection plate. I believe in Evolution. I believe in things I can see. I believe Religion has killed more people over time than any plague or disease. I believe you should be able to love with freedom as long as they are of age. To quote the great Dr. House “Everybody lies”. There is proof of this in the basement of the Vatican. There was a movie with Gabriel Byrne that had a Bonus Disc about the Vatican that was quite interesting. Everyone is free to choose what they believe in. What they are not allowed to do is infringe on my rights to stay calm and somewhat private on these matters. There is a Stigma attached to saying you are an Atheist. People get confused and conjure up images of Anton LaVey. That would be Satanist. Totally different. Lately many people have spoken to me about going to church. I have just smiled and kept my mouth shut. How many times am I expected to do this? I hate doing it. But I know if I open my mouth with anything close to the truth it will cause a shitstorm.

Don’t ask where the Strawberry Wine comes in. I just thought it sounded funny. I used to drink Boone’s Strawberry Hill Wine when I was 17 until I drank too many bottles and was violently ill. Never touched it again. Sometimes when it slips out what I used to drink my brother in law will say “You know you drank like a homeless person?”. Says the person who told me to bring Black Label to parties because no one would steal them. Kingers even. How soon they forget.

I know I’m going back and forth. I apologize.

When I happened to mention to my ex sister in law that I was an Atheist her response was “No you’re not. I don’t believe that. You’re just confused.” This was 3 years ago and I’ve had to tell her several more times because she keeps sending me religious stuff. It doesn’t sink in.

Never Discuss Politics, Religion, or Money (A Family Rule)

My father had always had the mentality that you never discussed certain subjects around a group of people. When it came to Religion it was up to us to decide what we wanted to believe in. The same with politics. He never pushed us in any one direction. I love him more for that. He might not agree with our choices but he let us make them. I learned a long time ago to keep my mouth shut about most things. There are too many right fighters out there. I refuse to take the bait. They don’t want to have an intelligent conversation where both sides listen, they just want to argue until they are blue in the face and you give in. My mind can’t handle it. Or maybe I’m the right fighter and just don’t want to admit it. Who knows?

I have been sober for 6 years now. I did it without help. My brother-in-law has been sober maybe almost a year with the help of AA. He loves AA. A lot of people do. It just wasn’t for me. I get questioned about it frequently. Why I even feel the need to answer I don’t know. I am tired of lying to people about why it wasn’t for me. So I’ll tell you. I didn’t like the fact that they would say they were not a Religious organization then force you to say the Lord’s prayer at the end of the meeting. This may have been in my geographical location only I don’t know. If you didn’t say it you were given dirty looks and told that you would “fail” in your sobriety. This I did not like. I was told to get on my knees every night and ask for help. If I didn’t I was doomed to fail. I was doomed to fail because I wasn’t ready to get sober yet. Plain and simple. I also have a lot of issues with Religion. I believe in the Earth, the Sky, the Ocean, Wildlife, things of that nature anything else I’m not sure of. As for Politics we’ll leave that for another day.

On my way to my sister’s house today a very expensive sports car flew by me. It was orange and had religious sayings painted all over it. My first thought was “jackass”. My second was if I did that with my beliefs on my car I’d be pulled over every 10 minutes. So what gives some people the right to do this and not others? How come some people can tell me I should be sterilized but if I respond I’m the one to get flagged or called names? So I continue to stay silent like I always have except here. Because the real world doesn’t listen to someone like me and it never did. I am invisible in the real world.

A Family member said to me recently ” you must get asked out a lot now that you’re thin, I mean you were always pretty but fat”. What do you say to that? I wanted to shock her and say ” actually I got more men when I was a fat drunk” but I didn’t. It’s true but I kept it to myself. I have not interacted with the opposite sex in about 6 and half years. I have to figure myself out first. There’s still so much to do but I can’t force it. I do have to find my voice, stutter or not. Swallowing all this negativity will eventually kill me.

So the next time someone tries to lecture me on AA or asks an inappropriate question I am going to answer them. If they don’t like my answer they shouldn’t have asked.