The days where the aching pain, grief and loneliness get me are so bad I can’t describe them. I’m filled with guilt and tears, shame and regret. I want something to comfort me. I tried to hold the Papillon but he didn’t go for it. I put my head next to my laptop while Johnny Cash sang Hurt and cried. Nothing to comfort me. Before Pookie would be there to curl up with me. Now it’s a nasty look from my father as he leaves me and I sit alone again wishing for something or someone to help me or release me.
The doctors I have been to all agree that my Bipolar Disorder probably started at an early age. I would guess around 12. When anyone asks about being Bipolar I try to inform them as best as I can without scaring them away. If I told them the truth I’m afraid they wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore. But since not a lot of people talk to me anyway I have decided to tell it like it is for me.
I am on medications. I take 3 different meds. I drank heavily for 20 years and have been sober for 6 years. I have trouble socializing. For most of my life I have felt like an outsider. Standing outside a window watching everyone else live. I get an ache inside of me that is almost unbearable. It’s like a gaping hole in my chest that nothing can fill. I feel this way often. I have to go into the bathroom and curl up on the floor with a towel to muffle my sobs. Sometimes it’s so bad I make myself sick. My head hurts most of the time. There is always something in there telling me I’m not enough. I’m a burden, too negative, no one cares, I am invisible.
I often think of leaving this world. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to be here either. No one really hears me when I talk. My family says all I do is talk about my illnesses. If they took them seriously and actually listened instead of telling me what they think I should do maybe I wouldn’t talk so much about them. They don’t know the things I have done and seen or the things that were done and said to me. These things stay with me always. Some were traumatic enough to cause Conversion Disorder. A true case of Conversion Disorder confirmed by 2 experts because a true case is actually rarer than you think. They don’t understand how difficult it is for me when the stuttering starts. They shut me down and won’t let me talk.
Most days I wake up crying and it doesn’t get better until the afternoon. Everyday it gets harder. I run out of things that make me calm or give me a little happiness. I spend most days alone. I am told to make friends. It’s not that easy for me. I can barely get dressed most days. To hear a simple “I love you the way you are we’ll get through this” would help. Maybe. It isn’t easy knowing that people find you annoying and avoid you. So I don’t risk it anymore. This is the truth.
My father had always had the mentality that you never discussed certain subjects around a group of people. When it came to Religion it was up to us to decide what we wanted to believe in. The same with politics. He never pushed us in any one direction. I love him more for that. He might not agree with our choices but he let us make them. I learned a long time ago to keep my mouth shut about most things. There are too many right fighters out there. I refuse to take the bait. They don’t want to have an intelligent conversation where both sides listen, they just want to argue until they are blue in the face and you give in. My mind can’t handle it. Or maybe I’m the right fighter and just don’t want to admit it. Who knows?
I have been sober for 6 years now. I did it without help. My brother-in-law has been sober maybe almost a year with the help of AA. He loves AA. A lot of people do. It just wasn’t for me. I get questioned about it frequently. Why I even feel the need to answer I don’t know. I am tired of lying to people about why it wasn’t for me. So I’ll tell you. I didn’t like the fact that they would say they were not a Religious organization then force you to say the Lord’s prayer at the end of the meeting. This may have been in my geographical location only I don’t know. If you didn’t say it you were given dirty looks and told that you would “fail” in your sobriety. This I did not like. I was told to get on my knees every night and ask for help. If I didn’t I was doomed to fail. I was doomed to fail because I wasn’t ready to get sober yet. Plain and simple. I also have a lot of issues with Religion. I believe in the Earth, the Sky, the Ocean, Wildlife, things of that nature anything else I’m not sure of. As for Politics we’ll leave that for another day.
On my way to my sister’s house today a very expensive sports car flew by me. It was orange and had religious sayings painted all over it. My first thought was “jackass”. My second was if I did that with my beliefs on my car I’d be pulled over every 10 minutes. So what gives some people the right to do this and not others? How come some people can tell me I should be sterilized but if I respond I’m the one to get flagged or called names? So I continue to stay silent like I always have except here. Because the real world doesn’t listen to someone like me and it never did. I am invisible in the real world.
A Family member said to me recently ” you must get asked out a lot now that you’re thin, I mean you were always pretty but fat”. What do you say to that? I wanted to shock her and say ” actually I got more men when I was a fat drunk” but I didn’t. It’s true but I kept it to myself. I have not interacted with the opposite sex in about 6 and half years. I have to figure myself out first. There’s still so much to do but I can’t force it. I do have to find my voice, stutter or not. Swallowing all this negativity will eventually kill me.
So the next time someone tries to lecture me on AA or asks an inappropriate question I am going to answer them. If they don’t like my answer they shouldn’t have asked.