The Ass Maker

I have a habit of telling someone how I really see them or how I feel about them. It makes people uncomfortable to hear the honest, heartfelt, good observations about themselves. I’m not blowing smoke up any asses, I don’t need to. There are people who find this annoying and for that I say too bad.

If a lyricist has written a song that makes me feel something whether it’s sadness, anger, lust, or enlightenment, I want them to know. If later they think I’m a nut job for my observations then it’s a shame. And I then feel shame for voicing my joy and appreciation for an art form I use to speak for me at some of the most important times in my life .

Sometimes when I’m angry and I can’t release that anger because there is a tremor in my vocal chords and a stutter in my brain I put a song on that equals that emotion.

I get cut off on the freeway- Pantera “Walk”

I think about my mom’s death and me- Blue October “Hate Me”

I’m happy sexy- Aerosmith “Chip Away the Stone”

The drinking love song- Aerosmith “What it Takes”

The drunk belt it out songs- Motley Crue “Home Sweet Home” and Aerosmith “You See Me Crying”

I could do a great “Ace of Spades” when I drank too but not now.

Since I was little music was such a huge influence on me. It had nothing to do with fame or fortune. These people got to sing and have other people HEAR WHAT THEY WERE SAYING.

When I spoke no one ever really heard what I was saying. They didn’t hear:

Help me

I don’t want to be here anymore

No one loves me

I let them hit me because it means they must care at least a little bit

I don’t remember last night

I’m sorry I just don’t want to feel

Now they try to hear me but don’t have the patience for the way I think and speak. They walk away.

When I tried to communicate with a person or 2 that I mistakenly thought would understand me I was laughed at, blocked, and saw the report where I was called “annoying”.

This 42 year old woman has been through things in her lifetime that would make most men squeal like a bitch. But I took it all.

I am now sober and where once I would beg to be pretty I now know that I am.

I still have a lot of work to do.

I won’t apologize for telling someone I appreciate what they do. Thank you again Mr. Tyler.

I’m not The Ass Maker anymore I’m Dana like it or not. P.S. I’m the one with reddish hair the other person is my hair dresser who listens to me and let’s me take my time and think before I speak. In exchange she get’s to do what she wants to my hair except cutting it short.

Just A Slight Breakdown

I may be a little manic. I went to bed at 4:00 a.m. after speed reading a book, smoking a few cigarettes, drinking plenty of fluids, and being released from the hospital 3 days ago from Kidney Failure.

I haven’t read a book in almost a year, I was and still am obsessed with the fact that I’m not drinking enough water which I hate. My father thinks it’s a contest on who’s sicker, the town is doing construction at the end of my driveway, I saw myself completely naked for the first time, everything is spinning in my head and I never went back on my antidepressants because they don’t know if they contributed to the kidney failure. They haven’t been on the market long enough to know long term side effects.

Safe to say I’m a little manic.

To top it all off today I started sobbing right before my brother-in-law dropped my car off. The door was open so he walked in. He asked if I was ok. I couldn’t even lie. He hugged me and said “Hang in there.” Asked if I needed anything then said “I got my buddy waiting in the street so gotta go, ok?”. What was I going to say? “No, I’m actually thinking of taking one of the jackhammers to the town hall and seeing how they like it and I don’t give a rat’s ass if I get arrested and cry until my kidneys shrivel up.” See not such a great mood. I’ve heard that about kidneys.

My sister keeps asking why I’m making everything so difficult when I only have 2 things to do. Rest and keep hydrated. She forgets I live with the man that didn’t like us staying home sick from school unless blood, a high fever or a trip to the ER was involved. That went for work too. You didn’t take a day because you had a head cold. Never. Bad work ethic. She forgets. Then says “move out” like it’s the easiest thing to do when the man has stood by YOU when he was healthier and could. And she thinks you have money hidden somewhere. Ugh! Sorry! I’m going to read the end of the book from last night again. Delicious Foods I think the title is. I know it’s good but I was speed reading so I didn’t maintain much.