I PUT ON MY MASK

I made plans with my sister yesterday to meet her at a clothing store. If you’re not familiar with my sister and I we are twins. Fraternal twins, we do not look like each other. We look related a little but not even remotely like twins. She had always been thinner and I always wasn’t. She has two beautiful boys now and has gained some weight. Instead of having children I drank, became sick, was diagnosed Bipolar and lost a lot of weight. This made me thinner than her. This doesn’t make her happy. She has made several comments about it. I have had to hear about how “fat” she is my entire life. Even when she had every bone showing I had to hear it. One time I lifted my shirt and said ” You want to see fat? I’ll show you fat you stupid bitch!” Then I took my three stomachs and rubbed them over her narrow face. She still didn’t get it. She has always had Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

My sister is now a size 12/14 and I am a size 10 sometimes going a little lower depending on how I feel. She has never been bigger than a size 14. Most of my adult life was spent in a size 20 or higher. If she wants sympathy on this subject she’s really going to have to go to someone else. I can’t. She was trying to relate to being scared of sitting on certain furniture. At that moment I wanted to sit on her head.

When I woke up the morning of our plans I knew I couldn’t be me. I knew I would have to wear a mask. I have not seen my sister since a few months before I went to Florida. It’s been a long time since I’ve hugged her. I knew I couldn’t that day. If I was too emotional or acted in a way she didn’t like she wouldn’t invite me out again. My sister is stubborn and refuses to listen to the advice of anyone. I tried to tell her she wasn’t exactly accentuating her best features. She did what she wanted. She texted me later upset because her kids made fun of her outfit when she picked them up from school. I felt bad but I can’t keep doing it.

It is extremely tiring holding back what you really feel and think for 4 hours. Watching every word and tone of your voice. A small gesture of your hand can give you away. I refuse to do it anymore. I love my sister but I can’t breath under this mask. I’m not a person that needs to be hidden, dulled down, shushed, or put away. Stop treating me like one.

Soon I’ll be gone and what will you think back on? The laughter or tears? What did we have the most of? It isn’t too late to change the ending of this story. You have to want to. I am often told that I have a fantasy of what sisters should be like. I don’t think I do. Our mom is gone, we were born together, and I have to pretend to be a good girl to spend time with my sister. There IS something wrong with that. Lately, I’m just too tired to care or figure it out. I’m too tired to be anything.

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