I have days that seem to happen more often lately. From the time I wake up until around 1:00 p.m. I am extremely irritable . It’s to the point where I make an effort not to talk to people. Then there are days where I want to talk and almost want to argue with those around me. I never feel like I’m being heard. I feel invisible so often. I have felt invisible for so long. I say hurtful things to provoke a response. I do this with my twin sister the most. I think because I feel abandoned by her the most. I feel left behind.
It isn’t her fault that she could handle High School and College. She was able to go on dates with men and have actual relationships. She had boyfriends. My twin graduated from College and had a good job before moving to California to be with her boyfriend, who is now her husband. She took a huge leap but knew she loved him and went. It wasn’t all fun for her, she felt a little out of place there and it was hard to find work. What was I doing? Self destructing in the best way I knew how. Slowly but surely killing myself either with large quantities of Joaquin’s Ginger Flavored Brandy and Black Label or abusive men. There were too many times to count where I woke up with no memory of how I had gotten where I did or exactly where I was. A lot of times I had bruises, red marks, or cuts that I couldn’t remember either. Other people would have to tell me and that only happened if it was something they thought was funny.
I can’t remember a time where I didn’t seek my sister’s approval. She would say small things that cut me to the bone. I wasn’t allowed to drink or be drunk in her presence. I couldn’t use alcohol as a layer of protection. I remember in High School everyone was wearing leather Motorcycle jackets. I went with my sister to buy one. We each had saved money for one. She was always slimmer than me. I would guess a size 10 to my size 18. We started to try on jackets at a leather store in our local mall. She turned and looked at me in one. She started laughing loudly. I felt my face burn. I felt other people looking. She said “Never, ever, buy one of those jackets! You look so mean! You look like a big, bad, Motorcycle Mama!”. I put the jacket back and just watched her try them on, giving out compliments. She looks beautiful in all the pics she’s in with it on.
One afternoon we were out with my friend W. I don’t remember anyone else. They were trying on hats. I think Cowboy hats had made a comeback in High School. Again I was trying one on. I couldn’t get any of them to fit!! My head was too large for an XL hat! My sister made fun of this also and I laughed along. I probably teased her but I just don’t remember. She told me I wasn’t allowed to hang out with the same people she did. On our 21st? Birthday her roommates were having a surprise party for her. They felt bad that they were having a party for just her when it was my birthday too. She knew about the party and had told them that I was under no circumstances allowed to be there. She didn’t want to deal with me. Knowing these things hurt. They hurt more than I ever admitted.
I know and accept that I have hurt people with my Alcoholism and erratic behavior. I own any of the cruel things I’ve done and said. I wake up every morning with my brain screaming at me not to be here on this earth. I don’t think I was meant to be. My mom didn’t know she was having twins, I came out first. We were extremely underweight and had to stay in the hospital until we were over 5 pounds. I’ve never had a feeling of belonging.
FAR BEHIND~ CANDLEBOX (A FEW LYRICS)
Now maybe I didn’t mean to treat you bad But I did it anyway
And now maybe Some would say your life was sad But you lived it anyway And so maybe
Your friends they stand around They watch you crumble As you fall to the ground
And someday Your friends they stand beside as you were flyin’ Oh you were flyin’ oh so high
But then someday people look at you for what they call their own
They watch you suffer Yeah they hear you calling home But then someday we could take out time to brush the leaves aside so you can reach us
But you left me far behind
Now maybe I didn’t mean to treat you oh so bad but I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say your left with what you had But you couldn’t share the pain
Now maybe I could have made my own mistakes But I live with what I’ve known
And then maybe we might share in something great But won’t you look at where we’ve gone
But then someday comes, tomorrow holds a sense of what I fear for you in my mind as you trip the final line
And that cold day when you lost control Shame you left my life so soon You should’ve told me
But you left me far behind You left me far behind