A NEW LEAF, A NEW ATTITUDE

These last few months I have been more than depressed. I’ve been lying to myself and others just how off the rails I have become.

I saw my sister today for the first time in a long time. It’s easier to pretend on the phone. When my fraternal twin sees me and hears me in person it’s a different experience. I can’t control all of my little quirks and mannerisms. I frightened her. I thought bringing her gifts would distract her from noticing anything.

She repeatedly asked if I was okay and if I needed to go to the Hospital. I wasn’t making eye contact at all. I guess some people like that. Eventually I spewed out everything that’s wrong with me and the World. She in turn told me I exaggerate. I told her she doesn’t know what it’s like to enter a store and KNOW the staff is talking about you. She asked how I even knew they were talking about me.

I know because I’ve been to this store often while manic. I talk too much while I’m there. I used work in retail for many years. The staff I managed did the same thing when people “like me” came in. “Oh God! I can’t handle her today! Will you take care of her?”. And the person would be standing RIGHT THERE. I may be many things but I am not hard of hearing, I can see when someone is looking straight at me, and so far no one has diagnosed me as paranoid. I’ve had my own family act the same way when I am manic.

I AM TIRED OF NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON CALLING BULLSHIT ON SOMEONE ELSE’S BAD BEHAVIOR.

I don’t care if it’s in a store, I don’t care if it’s on Twitter, Facebook, or Nightly News. From now on when I see or hear about a group of people or even one person telling someone with a mental health issue that they should “just kill themselves” I will call them out on it.

If I hear or see a group of people or one person making jokes about addiction or not stepping up to the plate when they should’ve or  saying “I liked you better when you drank”, I will personally call them out on it.

I am also disgusted with so called “famous people” using their fame for causes that guess what? They are not actually participating in! Don’t tell me you’re sober and when I meet you, you have half a bottle of wine in your hand. WINE COUNTS IDIOT! You are not sober if you are drinking a few bottles of wine a night and have wino teeth (a bluish tinge).

I don’t want to hear anymore hollow words from these people about Mental Health, Addiction, or Domestic Violence. I’M DONE!

I am not done with having MY VOICE HEARD. Send all the sterilization groups you want after me. You are beating a horse with NO VIABLE EGGS MORONS.

So I will continue to write what I want, when I want. The content will hopefully help some people because I’m tired of feeling helpless and hopeless in this place I have to live, I WANT TO LIVE. Anyone have any problems with that? I’m used to the unfriending, unfollowing and blocking so if you feel you must than it’s your choice. Just don’t let anyone else make it for you.

From here on out I hope to be less aggressive but I’m not promising anything.

Honesty and Confusion

Ok, some of you reading this might already know most of what I’m going to say then again I can’t remember if I’ve written about some of it before. Off subject- I really need to brush up on my grammatical skills. Dangling participles, where to put commas, and run on sentences. Although I received an A in English Literature at a college level the other stuff I was never good at.

My day starts at around 10:15 or 10:30 a.m. I get up have a bowl of Rice Chex and take my meds. I will then watch TV for a little while or go on the computer. There is probably crying in between there somewhere. When my Chihuahua was alive he would meet me at the bottom of the stairs first thing every morning wagging his tail. If I was having a really bad day I curl into  a ball on my side, on the couch. Pookie would curl into my stomach and try to lick my tears but I would start laughing because his breath was so bad from eating poop. We did get him to stop eating his own but then he moved on to the Pomeranian’s. This is a learned behavior sometimes when they are born. It wasn’t a lack of nutrition or anything medical. The mother does it when they are first born and some pups pick up on it and it stays with them. Anyway he would do anything to make me happy.

Sometimes I leave the house for a few hours to go to the store or my sister’s house. It isn’t often. Most of the time I’m sitting at home in my pajamas. My father would cook for all 3 of the dogs and feed them. All 3 slept with him. My bedroom is too cluttered to have them sleep with me. I go upstairs to my room around 4 p.m. or 5 p.m. because around this time of day I start to get low and tired. I sit in my bathroom and smoke cigarettes, drink water, Ginger Ale mixed with Orange soda over crushed ice, and watch TV or Movies on my computer. Sometimes I Blog. I take my night meds and around 12:30 or 1:00 I go to bed. This is my life. I usually do not speak to any people all day.

On October 15th I go to another Specialist to find out why I went into Kidney Failure. They want me to have a 5th biopsy. This time it will be riskier and there is a good chance it will destroy my ureter. The ureter is one of 2 tubes that goes from your bladder to your kidneys. I would have to have a fake one made and put in if they damage the one they want to biopsy. I’m told this is the only way to find out what is wrong with me and that it wasn’t a fluke thing. What happened to me mostly only happens to elderly men with prostate cancer. So I am one big mystery. I have stents in now keeping my kidneys functioning. They hurt like hell.

My father finally agreed this morning to let me try to adopt 2 Chihuahua brothers I met at a Rescue. It was love at first sight. They had Pookie’s soul. But now I’m thinking is it fair? Will I change my habits? Will I be healthy enough to take care of them? Will I let it fall to my father who has enough to deal with? Or will this be what makes me finally take that step to change my ways? I did start to clean out my room when I first saw them and thought my dad wouldn’t have a problem with it. I gave up and went deeper into depression when he said no. The 2 of them together do not even equal my 1 Papillon. One is short haired and the other is long haired. Their names are Ham and Eggs. For the hour I was with them I thought everything could be ok. Sometimes I look into the eyes of an animal and I just know. They were both like that. I don’t know what to do.

About my other 2 dogs. I love them but they are not mine. Neither one has ever really paid attention to me. They are my dad’s. Even though Pookie slept in my dad’s room it was me he came to and me he bonded with. I want to do the right thing for the animals. I don’t want to be selfish. They have been at the rescue for a long time because the rescue won’t separate them. They are trained to go on a leash and to go outside they are also crate trained but I’m not fond of keeping dogs in crates. We’ve never done it. I know some dogs feel safe in their crate. Who knows? I’ll wait and see.

Love, Hate, Jealousy And Sibling Rivalry

The word Love means to treasure, respect, and cherish. Hate means to loathe, detest, and despise. Jealousy means to envy, be resentful, and spiteful. I feel all of these when it comes to my fraternal twin sister. Experts would call this Sibling Rivalry. I wouldn’t.

Scientists and Psychologists who have researched the subject say it has to do with the birth order and your parents. Maybe. My mother could have fed into the problem a little. The experts talk a lot about competitiveness. We never really were. I didn’t find out how my sister honestly felt until a few years ago. I was hurt and surprised. Our relationship has been going slowly downhill from there.

When I look back on things I feel like a fool. All the money I gave her, the gifts I bought her, and the favors I did. I did all of these things because I love her and I wanted her to love me back the same way. I didn’t know that wasn’t possible.

I still try to make her love me more. Even though I know you can’t force someone to do something they aren’t capable of. She does love me, I’m just not in her top 5. It sounds silly but it’s the only way to explain it.

My dad thinks I hate my sister or I am jealous of her. This is because I do complain about her frequently. I just can’t wrap my brain around her selfish disregard.

She hardly ever calls our father. He’s on dialysis and depressed. Her excuse is that he knows how to use a phone too. She NEVER answers her phone. She NEVER checks her messages. I had to text 911 in ER KIDNEY FAILURE! while my hands were shaking and the doctors were working on me because she wasn’t answering when the Hospital kept calling. She monitors her calls but reads any texts. I would’ve called my dad but he was at dialysis.

She told me a few years ago, after our mom died that I got all the attention and she got none. I got attention because I’m a screw up. My parents were too worried about me killing myself, getting arrested, and drinking to acknowledge all of her accomplishments. She had to pay her own way through college, (not true), and be “the good one”. My parents helped her with college and she chose to live in a house near campus even though our house was only 15 minutes from the college. This put a strain on my parents finances. Our family was lower middle-class. She didn’t care. I even paid her rent on many occasions when she had spent what my parents had given her. I didn’t go to college. She resented me but didn’t mind taking money from me. I was not allowed to go to her house near the college. I guess I can’t blame her because I was drinking. I wasn’t drunk 24 hours a day 7 days a week. She could’ve had me over for lunch without my turning into a monster and guzzling all the booze in the place. She never answered her phone then either.

When my mother was sick she would moan and cry throughout the night. She couldn’t make it to the bathroom a lot towards the end but refused Adult Diapers. She was embarrassed and we didn’t know just how bad she was. I would have to get up in the middle of the night to clean her and change the bed. I slept little that year. I worked 50 or more hours a week and took care of my mom. My sister was nowhere to be found. She was living with her husband and expecting her first child. She was so happy and excited. My mom was too but she was sad because she wanted to be a part of everything but instead my sister was going to her mother-in-law. It hurt my mom to know this. At the baby shower my mom was put in a corner and made comfortable out of sight. I was furious. Meanwhile all the guests were saying sorry to my sister because it must be so stressful to deal with having your first baby and a sick parent. I wanted to scream “She doesn’t deal! I do!”. But what would be the point? I had a chance to take a vacation at the end of the 5th month of her pregnancy. I didn’t want to go far because of my mom. I decided to ask my sister if she wanted to go to Salem, MA with me for a few days to relax. She was happy and said yes. She was happy because she expected me to pay for everything. Her husband called me to tell me that they didn’t have any money  for her to go with me I would have to pay. I was lonely and overwhelmed so I did.

I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone. I mostly hurt myself. Now I torture myself with memories trying to figure out how I can make things better. The truth is I’ve apologized enough, I’ve paid for the things I’ve done ten times over. I can’t do it anymore.